jdj he/him | Mad | phys&cognitively disabled | young adult | schizodissociative (pf-did ; childhood onset schizophrenia ; personality disordered*) | expecting diagnosis like sle or mctd soon
CONTENT WARNING: there is mature content on this blog and occasionally guro. my tags system is under the cut, curate your experience.
there may also be untagged unreality and/or disorganized speech, I try to tag it, but I don't always realize / i can't always tell
this is primarily a vent blog, sometimes I write less unstable posts about my issues, sometimes I reblog things that comfort me
i do not partake in syscourse or care to discuss or learn about non-CDDs because that is the framework i use to understand myself, i only care if you are spreading misinformation about what we currently understand to fit into the framework of CDDs. do not reblog my CDD posts with your discourse stances or I will block you.
i may discuss very 'taboo' sexual experiencing, 'paraphilia' is not a real diagnostic category and exists purely to oppress the queer and sexually traumatized while giving acting predators the insanity plea, the distress i have is due to my other distresses
this applies especially to 'paraphilia', but in general, if you believe mental illness to be ontologically real instead of theories about clusters of observed traits which are constantly being re-defined, get off my blog. leave your username at the door so i can block you, too
if you are a minor: understand that my relationship to my sexuality is not healthy, and you should not model yours after mine. you will be horny and you will want to interact with sexual content and i cannot control what you do with your internet access, but i encourage you to learn about youth liberation, transfeminism, and RACK, safe-sane-consensual, and trauma-informed kink practices. porn can be harmful only if others use it to harm you.
i will not respond to your ask if it is off anon or you indicate your identity in any way, that is the only rule of my askbox.
❄ my tags system:
#df: dolls, figures, #jk: jirai kei, #of: other fashion
#xx: guro, #ox: various objectums, #sx: ""palatable"" sexual expression (boobies tag)
#ct: dissociative & personality disordered & other trauma posts
#hb: hebephrenic post markers - usually i go back and add these after a fit has ended. this is to mark that my speech was highly disorganized at the time of writing.
#un: unreality post marker - same as above, to go back and add after a fit ends, to mark the post as being highly psychoticized and/or dissociative.
#asks: this one doesnt need a fancy little two letter funny i dont think. asks i get on this blog. htats all
i also use regular tumblr community tags when i want a post to be seen, on those posts I use trigger warning tags following the format "tw [trigger]." feel free to send an ask if anu post needs to be trigger warning tagged. sometimes i don't feel like something can be adequately summarized into a set of tags or that i don't know what to tag it as, so i just put it under a readmore and describe in more length the triggering nature at the top
i must be built incorrectly or fundamentally opposed to nature because what do you mean i can do calculus but not make a sandwich most days , why was i built like a machine to be used ,why can't i do anything for my self
i can't even do that, i've been struggling with basic arithmetic as of late. i don't want to degrade even further i don't want to watch my mind slip way from me...i like math i want to be able to play with numbers and graphs in my head. i need to start doing some sudoku puzzles every day
simebody screamed a t me that i was a useless retard and nobody will ever love me aAAAaaAAAAAaaAAAAA it's so loud it's so loud i'm so overwhelmed i want to be alone leave me alone
i keep hearing noise flickering in from the right channel it hurts who is trying to keep talking to me i said iw anted to be left alone
i ha,te this house and this city i can't wait to getout themonster s and shadow peoplr areonly getting more crowded inmy room i can't wait to get out of this house nobodylistened whe n i said there was a portal that opened up at night that let mosnters through anr everytthing around the house kept breaking untirl they finally decided to get out .don't you understand it was cursed from the moment we entered...i tried to be careful at night and prevent them from getting in but i stopped caring and they're crowding everywhere anyways... i'll be closer to my friends at the new house with the deck next to all the trees......friends below me...... my celium #mycelium
i've had this idea every now and then that i think would make me more comfortable longterm keeping a blog like this where i would go back and delete all of the older vent/diaries and archive them in a text file
i'm scared to confront how well i was functioning that long ago though !??! i need to cling onto the vague idea of some level of health and sanity to feel morally good because i have internalized ableism and saneism from the environment in which i was raised!!!!!!! Woe is me!!!
i,m a hedonist at the end of the day i want to havemy sweeties treat AND cut myself . i have so many cakes and i get to eat them all because i am a Princess
they're tellking me i nedd to shed bloofd as pay ment as punish ment ment ment meant mean meant mean lean Feel can fee l their eyes onme they'ere Waiting for my blood i needto pay them Topaymy deb t or they're going to come and kill me and everyonei care about They're senidng me signs everywhere They;re getting impatient i'm Sorry i'm Sorry i'm Sorryu im not enough ti'm Sorry im nevr enough I'm sorry i'm sorruy i', orry
aaAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAA aaaAAAAA aaAAAAaaaathey'er e taking away mgy medicaton they want me dead god wants me dead they don'twant me they cdon't want me u' r bpeopl'e ffolllwing me everythiwhere i need to cut myfslr it's what they wan t eveyrone want s me to ut ymyslf Eyes staring from wveeyrhw eyes starring frm weveryhweee Novody wants enaything to do wit h me a ll of my need s are too mych I'm a parasit ei need to Kill myself i ne ed to drain my bloof from my body unti' i dcna't get out ofbed
AHHHHHH AGHHHHHAGHGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO BURN. ALLOF IT!!!!IDON'T WANT TO KEEP ANY OF IT!!! I WANT A TOTAL ECLIPSE OF SOLITUDE!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! I NEVER ASKED FOR ANY OF THIS!!!! SHOULD'VE GIVEN ME A SIGN UP CONSENT FORM LIKE THEY DID IN DISCO ELYSIUM!!!!!
i should kms i fucking hate people leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone leave me alone why can't you listen to me and leave me the fuck alone when i ask i WAS SUPPOED TO START GETTING SHIT DONE 30 FUCKING MINUTES AGO I HATE PEOPLE ALL THEY DO IS FORCE THEMSELVES ON YOU
oh i can use front tracking to guess who made a post
like if i don't remember making a post, i can note who was fronting around the time it was posted, and go ask them. and if they also don't remember the assumption is either 1) it was somebody else that didn't log front for whatever reason or 2) they don't want me to know it was them and both of those options are like, fine
"I'm going insane" are you? are you really? cause let me tell you I am—mentally, clinically and legally—and when someone who is clearly sane but just distressed it boils my fucking blood
i fucking hxte hxte hxte how much of my life is just on a fucking computer or phone screen I literally can't do anything else like before being fucking photosensitive and being unable to spend a picosecond in the sun without dying of the black plague and having to be resurrected by a months long forbidden ancient ritual literally nobody would talk to me or want to talk to me or want to listen to me or would scream or hit me or look at me weird or make fun of my speech or scratch my face until it bleeds for being a widdle weird because their comfortable little boxed brains couldn't handle the slightest deviation from norms and now I'm too disabled to do anything else bc you fucking gormless bastards kept letting me deteriorate and you all bash in my skull every day for being deteriorated while still neglecting the fact that i'm still getting worse
It's all just everybody thinking they're better than everyone else and that one's own needs are more important than others it's not profound or anything to point this out but it is immature to think you're also somehow exempt from it The collective trauma of the shittiest method possible to combat scarcity being the default system and if you were designed to be antithetical to its design you have nobody to fucking help you and then they will whine about how important their needs are to your face as if theirs are being met less than yours because they don't care. They don't care about your needs and they aren't going to listen to them. Every single person is less than worthless to everybody but themself that's just how the world works at large
there's nothing you can do to immediately overthrow the system and start communism for real all by yourself because doing things in isolation is quite antithetical to communism at all so you have to find purpose in defying this fuck ass system elsewhere Have something for yourself and other outcasts and have something just for yourself groupthink will drive you insane
this is a garage kit by the maker "yousei no hakoniwa" of the character "nana" from the "vampire/darkstalkers" series of games. she is 1 of the cat girls that appears in felica's "help me!" super move. she is actually part of a set that includes all of them. u can see that she's supposed 2 be carrying a marble. here is her myfigurecollection entry.
