$LAYYYTER
ojovivo
Kaledo Art
Andulka
Aqua Utopia｜海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
Peter Solarz
taylor price
tumblr dot com
will byers stan first human second
RMH
One Nice Bug Per Day
Cosmic Funnies
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
No title available
roma★
todays bird
sheepfilms
trying on a metaphor
NASA
🪼
seen from United States
seen from T1
seen from Malaysia
seen from South Africa
seen from United States
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Canada
seen from Kenya
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Poland
seen from United States
seen from United Kingdom
seen from United States
seen from Australia
seen from United States
@versaceviagra
Sunday 06/16/2024
Today is Father's day and im with Ehleen, Joseph's kid. Anyways, it became a whole ass issue. Either way, he's a weirdo and I just realized that. He cant even be with his kid properly. I dont want to give a fuck about him and I dont. He is a sad ass person, that is all that I can say. I dont want to deal with him anymore. Im sleeping next to her tonight but i did drink a bit so i can only say so much tomorrow.
Sunday 05/26/2024 3:51 PM
I am at home , today was supposed to be an online class day for Maternal 2 enhancement but the speakers wifi gave out. Anyways, I've just been chillin and crocheting and now I'm watching Sex and The City and the episode is about Carrie not having any money. I have about $1,000 saved up but I'm not sure what to do with it. I don't necessarily want anything apart from clothes which i'll be using 20 (1k pesos) of that to buy some clothes at the ukay shop hehe. Anyways, I just got into crocheting! Right now, im trying to make a crop top but I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how to make it into a "circle" , but im not really particularly looking into videos as well to fix it hehe.
Aya still hasn't sent me MY $360.00 but she's gonna send it over when she gets her next paycheck, I KNOW IT. It's shameful that she's used another persons money much less her sister. She's gonna be sending it over out of shame and just to get it out her mind that she used up MY money. Shame will do things to ya. I'm glad i'll be getting it soon :)
Thursday 05/16/2024 1:30 AM
This is me now! A quick little update about me, I am now currently single after a long battle of toxicity and abuse (on both ends) from my last relationship with Joseph.
Anyways, I've been on this journey of 'self-healing' and basically trying to regulate my nervous system and trying my best to handle my emotions better.
I no longer smoke a pack (or two) a day which was normal for me last year. Actually, my last bout of smoking was this past January but quit due to the fact that it's really hard to smoke during duty hours of clinicals.
Im about to pass my 2nd year of nursing school and moving forward with 3rd year, how exciting! i will only have one more year to go after that and then its working, im excited to make my own money again and to get away from the hells and holds of my mother who has decided to only give me and Desiree 6k pesos a month (which is absolutely atrocious). Anywho, she will not actually go through with it because she is aware of the surging prices here in the Philippines and its at a small cost to her.
I know i've been real scared about hooking up here in the PH , especially since ive only had one partner but I did hook up with this one guy who is apparently a micro-celebrity or more so an influencer here in the PH and yes, we did have protected sex, and yes, his dick was big. Another experience was this foreigner named Hass (or Huss) and honestly? Did not wanna go through that shit because i only really went for free drinks and he ate me out for like 5 seconds and after that I came to my senses, washed up, and left. Honestly, what is up with foreigners going to a lesser developed country to get some pussy anyways? It never made sense to me and its reeking desperation, its also creepy.
Anywho, right now I'm just in bed and unable to sleep. I think ill be getting my period in the next following days because my cravings are so intense that I had a THIRD supper which consisted of hot milk, loaf bread dunked in, bits and bites of my nephew's spaghetti , and a mug full of Laing and rice.
I just know that when i get back to America, life will flourish for me significantly. I will be able to breathe again and be away from the stressors that I'm not bringing upon myself.
I survived a month of mama and Aya being here last month. Aya was an absolute fucking bitch and a nightmare and she still has to give me my $360.00 . Like. It's my fucking money, yknow? ugly.
I can't think of much else to type.
In my future, I just KNOW im going to be wealthy. Like, private yacht , beach front house that is tall over looking the ocean (wont be my only home), expensive skin care, makeup, purses, and shoes type of wealthy. With the 500+ count egyptian cotton threading that is super soft to the touch and with a tall gorgeous husband who only loves me and has eyes for me. That's going to be my future. Sipping wine by the outside of the restaurant and absolutely just loving the peace, quiet, and love that is pouring in. Of course, with my 2 kids that I love dearly and will have after I've accomplished my career goals and money that I was able to accumulate. Whatever it will be, however it happens, I will get there and I am 100% sure of it.
I think that's all I wanted to share for now :)
I'm happy of the person I am at the moment. Just absolute peace and quiet. I don't have any friends for that matter, but I am okay with it unless I actually want to go out and party.
Thanks for reading this, if you've come across it.
Thank you future Becky for everything you're doing for US and for me right now. I thank you for that. Don't be too hard on yourself because everything will fall into place regardless.
Wednesday 4-6-2022 1:03 AM
Joseph went to go drinking with the other interns earlier tonight and I had told him to be safe and to make sure he had money to take a taxi. He decided to take a ride home on a motorcycle with another intern home. He’s thankfully home safe but what if he wasn’t? I’m fucking worried at what he did, how irresponsible it was because what if he became another statistic? What if they weren’t safe. Maybe I was being too harsh with getting upset at him about the situation. The thing is , is that I do trust him to drink but i entrusted him to be safe taking a taxi. I can’t take a chance at him dying on me, I can’t take a chance on him dying over something stupid. He called me stupid because I said I was going to do something just as irresponsible to see how he would react because I want him to feel how I felt about what he did. He called me stupid and hung up. And it honestly hurts because I wish he could just see how worried I am about him, how much I care. Should I have cried my eyes out to show him? Should I have just not said anything? I was shaking from how scared I was and I wish he would just take the extra steps to be careful at all times. It’s whatever. I am hurt, i am still shaking in worry, I am still wishing he just took that taxi instead. Is it wrong to react the way I did because I was worried? I don’t know anymore. Our relationship feels like its just going down the drain and I dont know what to do about it. is it my fault? I think it is. I dont know what to do anymore. I think i should just shut up and never voice my opinions or worries again... I just wish i never knew he was drinking. I wish i was drinking right now, I just want to forget about the whole interaction, i want to just forget how horrible I feel and how unloved I feel and how terrible i feel like i am.
At least he’s home safe. I just hope he is safe always and especially in future situations like that. I just wish he understood how i felt. How worrying it is to lose someone you love and how helpless it feels.
Im going to try to sleep now, I just had a cigarette and I think ill just try to watch videos to calm myself down and go to sleep.
Oct 12, 2021 8:17 PM
I hate that I can’t stop thinking about Sky. It’s on some bullshit. Desiree was right when they said that Sky cared more about himself than my safety especially with the way he dragged me out his house by my hair when he knew I was losing hair rapidly, told me to lose weight while I was actively anorexic, and told me he wanted to do Anal during my abortion week, and did not offer any help when I was actively homeless. It’s just so fucking sad to me that the person I thought cared about me never really did. He didn’t take me to the museum multiple times that I’ve asked but he decided to take someone else for a first date. Im just sad, and im upset that I allowed myself to get treated this way. I can’t decide for others how ive made them feel, but i genuinely don’t feel like ive done anything wrong apart from a few things that I was dishonest about but only because he was as well.
Im just exhausted thinking about him day in and night out , It makes zero sense anymore. Only thing I can do is just wait until the thought of him goes away.
September 28,2021 9:10 PM
I dreamt of Sky last night, I cant fully remember the dream nor can I fully recall how I felt afterwards but I definitely felt confused and longing. I get so upset whenever I recall all the hurt he put me through, and through all the bullshit he made me go through and I just wish I could turn off my feelings about it and just move on. He dragged me out his house by my hair because of donuts and other reasons and his reasoning was he was protecting his home. He wasn’t there during my psychosis and he was not there when I needed him most, always. He fucked me on his birthday night last year while I was experiencing psychosis from alcohol and acid. I wish I never met this man, but that is no longer a possibility. As much as I know and can acknowledge that I won’t always get an apology for other people’s wrong doing, I at least wish he would acknowledge it. Like, some sort of accountability , I just want him to fess up or to cry about it or something. It sucks knowing that Im the only one left feeling heart broken and confused while he could just move on like nothing because as he says “I care more about myself than I care about you”. It shouldn’t hurt , but it does. He’s been upfront from the beginning about how he felt about me and our whole situation - I really wish I listened and just moved on then.
I feel like a rotting shell, a carcass . There is no “me” before , but by god do I wish this was one less trauma I did not have to experience.
Karma, maybe? Not sure, I just gotta stick through it and attempt to move on with my life and focus on what is important which is bettering myself and moving towards life long healing. Always.
From baby to full grown
dance that makes you bigger
thats the sound of his bones grinding
Sept 7, 2021 - A Return
Well hello my old Tumblr blog. It has been so long and I swear i’ve been trying to come back and start journaling here because I seriously can’t do it with pen and paper. Maybe i’m lazy to write or maybe its just faster to go type out my thoughts as they come because I know I forget thoughts as they come sometimes.
Anyways, I am actually in the Philippines right now. I am completing a 10 day mandatory quarantine here at Hotel Kimberly with mama and Desiree and it’s been a bit hectic and boring. This whole experience at the hotel is starting to feel like “a streetcar named desire”. Im here in the Philippines because i took mama’s advice on just getting an education and she’s right. I truly want an education to state that I have one and to boost whatever career I want to follow in the future. Im gonna be doing Nursing with Desiree and honestly, I am feeling a mixture of anxiety and excitedness. Anxious because what if the curriculum is hard and I can’t pass? Excited because I’m finally going to be getting an education. None the less, I will be utilizing my time here in the PH to rejuvenate myself and heal myself of the toxicity that I’ve endured within the last 22 years of my life. I can’t wait to go to Baguio and take in that mountain air, and I can’t wait to go to Baguio and hike and be around nature and to truly ground myself to my surroundings and familiarity. I am so excited to have a slower pace of life but somehow a feeling of anxiety washes over me when I realize that I only have the $2.3 I took with me and not much else. Either way, there is always opportunities to make money within the next 4 years, I cannot be stuck in that “lack” mindset. I’ve gone through so much this year. I was essentially homeless and bumming it with Seby for months and going back and forth from his space , to Sky’s place, and to that forbidden apartment that I never got to enjoy peace and happiness in. In February, I went through an abortion during the Texas Winter Storm and had to experience the pain of that, plus the freezing temperatures outside with no running water or electricity, it was very tough. I am thankful for Sky’s dad, Mr. James Walker for allowing us into his home and for making sure we weren’t completely suffering from the weather. Nonetheless, I went through a tough time. I’ve had to work at 2 different property management companies (Avenue5 & TI Communities) and dealt with the stress of those jobs and a month prior to leaving to the Philippines, I worked at the booty club. San Antonio Men’s Club: The City’s largest gentleman’s club I was a waitress and the opportune to dance at Capisce Club . For a whole month from Aug 1 to Aug 30 I was waitressing and having fun at the booty club, that experience has been my most favorite yet. I learned how to be comfortable with my body in public and I learned how to be tough and how to remain afloat in the Sex Work industry. I also learned how to balance my vices since I was drinking nearly every weekend (every shift) while high as hell off thc and c*ke. My last Sunday in America, I went to Temple of Flesh with my friend Kiana and I got to cross something off my kink list: To be roped and suspended in the air. I was roped in the sexiest way while topless and c*ked out while he suspended me in the air for 10 minutes. Im sure I looked sexy and gorgeous the way eyes were staring at me ,mesmerized and smiling. The feeling i felt when people danced under me and called me beautiful and enticing.....was just intoxicating. Nothing can compare. I’m excited to come back to the scene after i come back because i’m kind of set in being celibate during my time here. However, I need to heal and work through my traumas and hyper-sexuality. I’m glad that I can be stable in every situation presented in front of me while maintaining a level of pleasure and enjoyment as well. Now i’m in a whole different country and about to apply to nursing medical school and continue on with the next phase of my life. My life has been filled with craziness and blessings this year and I am just barely recognizing the blessings and the strength it took for me to accomplish all that I did and the things I went through. I cannot believe my life.
Just searching for a place I’ll fit in.
