Our paradox is that we are forced to live three lives...
The life you live at Indiana Academy,
And the life we live together.
Maybe it is because you understood this early on and is why you are able to consciously separate your two lives. But me, I am not so quick to learn, and my attempts to coerce the three lives to crossover, consciously or not, must cause you frustration. This distinction was never so clear to me as it is now.
But why is the division necessary? Is it necessary? Even I agreed that we both need to work and study in order to live our dream of being together. Another way of saying this could be: We both need to put in the labor in our individual lives so that we can build our life together.
So one solution seems to be allowing this to pan out by living our lives separately. Believe me, I pondered and considered it too. In fact, I was always the one who said that part of the reason I was single was because I am married to my dreams, and I did not want to be distracted by a relationship. But what I failed to realize at the time was that you are part of my dreams and aspirations...
To be living separately - solely in our life at our respective schools - is to live ignorantly of our life together. We would be living in illusion if we alienated our life together. This is because regardless of if we admit it to ourselves or not, our life together would continue exist and feel the effects of our separate lives.
And this is another challenge of our paradox: that our separate lives directly affect our life together. This seems obvious enough, after all, this is the logic behind "working toward our future together." But perhaps another element we are prone to forget is that our separate lives are actively and immediately affecting our life together as well. But when we project our frustrations from our separate lives onto each other's separate lives, or even our life together, it should be no surprise that the three do not always understand each other.
The easy metaphor for this would be water trying to mix with oil. But of course, I feel our life is more poetic than that, and me being an artist, I will also consider this from a painter's perspective. In painting, acrylic and oil paints are difficult to incorporate into a single painting, and it is usually advised that you do not mix them... Similar to how some people do not understand our relationship. An untrained hand would allow the acrylic paints to crack over the oil paints, blotch up the blending, and eventually end up with a fucked up painting. However, with the right amount of patience in allowing the paints to dry, with the right technique of layering, it is possible not only to get acrylic and oil to mix, but to create a beautiful painting out of the two... So maybe our lives are like acrylic and oil trying to mix, but we, as the painters, need to be conscious of the intensive care it takes. But in the end, we are destined for the same canvas. Hmm, this sounded like a decent metaphor in my head, but I'm not so sure it will deliver the sense it allowed for me anymore. My skill in figurative language is still not quite up to par to yours. But I digress.
If you recall, whenever we are in the mode of living our life together, we seem to always work everything out and with ease. I just recently became more conscious of it, though perhaps you always felt this, but it feels we are engaging different relationships when we are together and we are apart. Where our life together seems to always gravitate toward our love for each other, our separate lives tend to pick up on our last conflict. Our life together understands itself, that our nature is for our souls to intertwine and dance with each other. Maybe this is why I still feel that our worldly troubles and stresses seem to melt away when we are in each other's arms, gazing into each other's eyes. Everything at peace. Do you still feel this way?
Okay, so all of that above mishmash may or may not be logically sound. What I realized, is that while we are both intelligent enough to address this paradox analytically, there seems to be a much simpler solution to all of this, and this is through something that you have taught me.
All of this complication and grief can be dispelled with unconditional love. If we would just love each other unconditionally, then matters such as "winning back my heart," or "wanting to win back my heart or not" seem to dissolve... I must admit, it does feel somewhat unnatural for me to say that I want you to win my heart back. So I remember what you said about how we should love each other unconditionally and just bring to the table what we can.
I know this is something that is not going to happen overnight, but it is something we can strive for. Perhaps it is something you did all along, but from now on, I will try to love you unconditionally and completely. This is probably something that should have been happening all along, but now I feel I have a much more developed understanding of what it is to love unconditionally.
You should know that the core of me always loved you unconditionally, for this must be the love that persuaded me to hold onto you despite the pain you caused me. So I know it is there - a deep, undying, and inevitable love for you. Rather than being distracted by my worldly portion that feels bitter because of the pain you caused me, I feel I now have the faculties to focus on and draw upon my unconditional love for you. I apologize for my hurtful words and actions in the meanwhile. It did hurt to hear that you were unsure whether you wanted to win my heart back or not. Can you forgive me for the hurt I caused?
I know my heart is longing for you. I can feel it falling back in love with you, especially after this weekend. I am sorry that we fell back into conflict once we were separated again, but even then, I feel it was one of our more delicately handled conflicts. I feel our hearts' desire to return to each other is growing each day closer to our one year anniversary.
I think we are emerging from one of the most difficult challenges in our relationship. I am excited about how strong our bond will be when we get through this together. The truth is, I always loved you. I love you so much. You may not always feel that, but I will try. To love you, unconditionally, is still one of the most exquisite, supreme experiences.
My eyes are yearning for rest, and I am afraid of whether or not this writing will make sense in the morning. Sweet dreams, my Avery. I love you.
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