Find Out
Two friends sit at a kitchen table drinking coffee. AMANDA brings OMAR a cup of coffee and then grabs one for herself while the friends catch up.
OMAR: Did I show you that picture of Oscar catching that fish?
Amanda is instantly interested.
AMANDA: No! He’s growing up so fast.
Omar smiles and swipes across his phone between photos.
OMAR: Next month he’ll probably be bigger than the fish!
They both chuckle at the thought.
OMAR: Have you seen Ben lately?
Amanda stops. Looks up from Omar’s phone.
AMANDA: …yeah. He comes by a lot.
Suddenly we hear the sound of a loud boom box coming from outside. Amanda sighs. Omar is curious and pokes his head through the window to see what’s making all the noise.
BEN, a late 30’s male, is outside rollerblading in full Daisy Duke attire, twerking to the music. Next to him is a street busker-style box that says DONATIONS on top. A few loose dollar bills are stuffed inside.
OMAR: What is he doing?
Amanda rubs her temples.
AMANDA: It’s some new fucking nonsense every day. OMAR: (sigh) what do they say? “Fuck around and find out…?”
Amanda opens up the window, and for a moment the boombox music gets way louder.
AMANDA: BEN! HEY!
Ben pauses his twerking to wave back to Amanda.
AMANDA: Hi. Quit fucking around!
She slams the window angrily. Ben has now turned the twerking into doing a sexy carwash for some car that has pulled over. We follow Ben through a montage of his other hijinks. In the next scene we see a high school principal pull his car into his reserved parking spot. Cut to the principal returning to his car later in the day, only its not there. It’s now on the roof where Ben is dancing around, very pleased with himself. The principal screams up at Ben.
PRINCIPAL: Quit fucking around with other people’s property! I’m calling the police.
Cut to a Wendy’s drive-thru window. We see the Wendy’s employee extend a softserve ice cream cone through the drive-thru window, only to suddenly see that it is Ben who is in the driver’s seat. He grabs the soft part of the ice cream with his hand and drives off holding a glob of soft-serve ice cream. He’s laughing so hard. We cut back to see the Wendy’s employee holding a mostly empty cone, very confused.
EMPLOYEE: One day he’s gonna fuck around and find out.
We cut one more time to a church. A solemn funeral is in progress. A teary eyed woman approaches the podium to say a few words about the dearly departed.
WOMAN: Grandpa Joe was one of the most gentle, loving, generous– JOE: Why WHO are all these people? Are they here for me?!
We cut to show Grandpa Joe, sitting up in the casket. Only he’s definitely still dead. He’s being marionetted by Ben, who has somehow attached strings to both of Grandpa Joe’s hands and is also making his mouth open and close. Ben isn’t doing a great job of making Grandpa Joe’s voice convincing.
The entire church gasps in horror at what Ben is doing. Someone stands up and yells “somebody stop him!” The woman at the podium screams tearfully.
WOMAN: Grandpa Joe! No!
We cut to outside the church where we suddenly see Ben sprinting for his life with a small army of the bereaved chasing after him. We punch in on Ben’s face where his smile couldn’t be larger.
Ben’s smile is getting too big. He’s too pleased with himself. Just when his mouth is ready to collapse in on itself from how gigantic his smile is, he’s pulled up into the sky in a beam of white light.
The light is so bright, Ben is temporarily blinded. As he struggles to see, Ben suddenly comes face to face with God.
GOD: Benjamin, my child… BEN: Am I dead? GOD: No, my son. I have much to discuss with you. You are the chosen one, spoken of in the lost book of Jebediah. You are “The One Who Shall Know.”
Ben is distracted by his heavenly surroundings.
BEN: Are these real clouds? GOD: Let’s stay on topic. The prophecy has been passed down verbally from generation to generation. It was once said that “he who lives a life most frivolous will be granted infinite wisdom.” But the kids know it as “fuck around and find out.” And find out you shall!
And without another word, Ben is immediately enveloped in even more light. He screams and it sounds like he’s in a lot of pain. The screen fades to white just as his screams fade from earshot.
We cut back to Amanda who is at home. She takes a sip of her coffee and notices…silence.
She pokes her head out the window. No Ben. She gets in her car, driving by the church – they’re singing songs about how God is cool or whatnot. No Ben. She passes the Wendy’s, again he’s not there.
She finally pulls up to Ben’s house. Light is radiating out through the windows, even with the shades drawn. We can hear an oscillating hum coming from the house as well. Amanda lets herself into the house and wanders around to check on Ben.
AMANDA: Ben? Are you…okay?
Ben is floating above the ground, in a meditation pose. His eyes are closed and fire swirls around him.
BEN: Amanda, my friend and fellow human being. What troubles you?
Amanda has no idea to make of what she’s seeing.
AMANDA: Are you flying?! What the fuck is happening?! BEN: All is as it should be. I have evolved into my true form. AMANDA: And what is…that? BEN: I am the container of all the knowledge in human history. And all the knowledge outside of human history. AMANDA: How did this happen? BEN: I fucked around and found out. Everything. AMANDA: Wow. So…was 9/11 an inside job? BEN: …yes.
THE END

















