â please tell me that i'm not crazy and that everything will be okay because i don't think i can handle being a mistake â _____________________________ what is this madness ? will i ever be okay ? is this world too big for me ? please save me _____________________________ â now i die kiss your tender lips goodbye i pray to god who hears my cry â
Iâm unsure how to even respond to your question. Iâm just as clueless? I just â wow, I donât know? I am so sorry; I feel really inadequate right now.Â
Screaming at the top of her lungs, Vesper shot up. Heavy panting and breathing were the only sounds that no echoed the small room. The tears wouldnât stop streaming as the small girl trembled and desperately glanced around. Another night of her nightmares. Another night of waking up. Another night of feeling crazy. Another night of feeling depressed. Fingers gripping onto the fabric that lay beneath her, her hues shut tightly, as if she was trying unsee what has appeared into her dreams, darkening it with horrid pasts. She couldnât sleep, she could never sleep. She could never sleep, it all started when she was just four. How could a four year old sleep soundlessly if her own flesh and blood would beat her till she was black and blue? How could a six year old sleep knowing the blood of her father was in her hands? How could a seventeen year old sleep when a stranger took what was left of her and tried to do the same to her sisters? How could a seventeen year old sleep knowing his blood remains in her hands? How could a seventeen year old sleep knowing her mother doesnât care about her? How could a seventeen year old sleep knowing she was alone and may make the mistake of killing again?
Chapped lips and tousled hair, the raven haired girl fumbled in her sheets as she stepped onto the hardwood floor. Making her way into the bathroom. Her palms were pressed agains the cool surface of the sink, and her dark reflection came to view. Bringing her down to the darkness, lower lower and lower. Her breath hitched in her throat as the memories of her nightmares, her past, flashed into her mind. Asleep and awake. She just wanted it to be over already. Wanting to never see the day again. Just wanting the darkness to consume her fully. No more pain. No more suffering.
Somehow in the dark time of deep in thought, her fingertips lay across the silver blade once again. It lays on the white surface of the sink. Calling for. Wanting her. Speaking to her, telling her to end it. Just end it all. No one can hurt her the way many already has. Everyone is a monster. Even she is a monster. Teeth sinking into her lesser lip, the blade was gripped firmly into her once trembling hand. Placing it above the flesh that already had former scars laying across. Clearly visible to her. With one breath, she sliced and watched as the blood came pouring out. Another slice, another, and another. Each one becoming easier and easier as the nightmares replayed in her head.
âNo more daddy! No more!â The six year old cried out as her little body tried to squirm away from the manâs hold. One punch after the other, the little girl was seeing stars. Screaming and crying at the top of her lungs as her tiny hands tried to move his large hand away from her. âShut up you piece of shit!â He threatened as another swing met her face. A yelp fell from her lips until her little chocolate brown tearful hues widened as his hold was now around her neck. Becoming tighter and tighter. âDad! Let her go!â She heard a muffle and watched as tiny hands gripped onto the older man. As if her older brother tried to pull him off. Then all she saw was red. Her little palm grabbed the first thing before plunging it into the chest of the older man. Whose eyes widened and took a step back. By the time Vesper was able to stand, the man has collapsed onto the ground. Watching him bleed out until he stopped moving. Stopped breathing. He was gone. Glancing at her older brother, his eyes widened, staring at her in disbelief. Her bottom lip quivered as she attempted to cover her bruises and hide away from him, but all she felt were his small arms wrap around her tiny body. Whispering over and over again, âItâs okay. Itâs okay.â
The seventeen year old grew frustrated as the older woman just sat there, possibly minding her own business and not daring to listen. âMom, will you just for once quit caring about yourself and listen to me!?â Vesper cried out as she waved her hands in the air, âThat asshole you fucking married is a creep! A dirt bag! Heâs been creeping around my room, and not just me! But Charity and Tatiana! Donât you even fucking care that maybe heâs a pervert and could sneak into one of our bedrooms and hurt us?!â She shrieked before watching the older woman point at her, âNow you listen, Robert is here to take care of us. Heâs a good man so quit being an ungrateful brat and leave my room, now!â With a huff, she quickly turned and stormed out of the room. Once dinner was over, the young brunette made her way into her bedroom and laid onto her bed, staring at the ceiling, just wanting the night to pass away. But her eyes flickered to her opening door. Realizing who it was, she sat up quickly, âRobert, get out of my fucking room!â But a chuckle fell his lips, causing her heart to drop into the pit of her stomach. Eyes widening, she tried to make a run for it, but she was only thrown back to the bed. âNow now, little one. Youâre going to be a good girl for your daddy. Hearing what you said about me? Well, you princess deserve a punishment.â Heart beating rapidly, she spat in his face, âGo to hell!â But then a giant blow was pushed into her stomach. Gasping for air after the punch, she was thrown back onto the bed, immediately feeling the manâs wait above her. Clothes being torn off and met with the floor, she attempted to scream and cry, but only to be muffled by the palm of his dirty hand. But a loud scream was muffled as he entered her. The territory that no one has dare crossed. Tears were streaming down her face as she could feel the blood oozing out between her legs as he thrusted harder and harder into her as she began to see black.
Whimpering and sobbing as she collected her clothes and placed them on, she felt disgusted. She felt dirty. Everything ached, and now all she had left was now taken away from her. But the screams of her sisters echoed through the halls. Fed up with all the bullshit, she made her way to the kitchen, grabbed the largest knife, and stalked towards the screams. Watching as the man attempted to touch his sisters, she gripped onto the blade and stabbed the man. Watching him collapse before her eyes. Seeing red and boiling with anger. Blood was smeared into her palms as she watched her siblings stare at her. Unsure what they were thinking, she found herself darting back into her room and shut the door behind her. Locking herself in the bathroom as she stripped and sat onto the hot white tub. Scrubbing every inch of herself. As if she could still feel the manâs touch. But once she reached between her legs, she scrubbed. Scrubbed harder and harder as her screams surrounded the quiet bathroom. Tears wouldnât stop falling as she cried out, âNo more! No More! NO MORE!â Her scrub was thrown to the side as now the silence filled the bathroom. The drops of water now echoing. Drip. Drip. Drip. Deep into her thoughts she sat up. âItâs her fault.â She muttered to herself, repeating but louder, âItâs HER fault!â In a flash, she was fully dressed and made her way into her motherâs room.
Standing above the woman, Vesperâs hues darkened with anger as she grabbed a pillow in her hand. With no hesitation, she placed the pillow against her motherâs face, watching her begin to squirm. Hot tears began to fall as she screamed at the woman she once loved, âItâs YOUR fault! Itâs your fucking fault! Itâs your fault that you married two assholes! Itâs your fault that dad continued to abuse me! Itâs your fault that your second husband raped me! Itâs your fault that your second husband almost raped Tatiana and Charity! Itâs your fault I killed them! Itâs your fault for letting me be born! Itâs your fault Iâm alive! ITâS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT!!â Pressing the pillow hard against the womanâs face, she felt a pair of arms, four arms. Tatiana and Axel. Pulling her off of their mother. Continuing to scream, their mother sat up gasping for air as she stared at the other two, âCall the police!â
Blood. Blood was now everywhere. The tears have no dried against her freckled face. Her eyes red and puffy. Dropping the blade into the sink, she rinsed off everything. The tile floor, all over the surface, the blood stains off her wrists. Fresh scars were now visible as the reflected her true colors. Vesper is depressed. She sunk lower and will never be happy. By the time no red substance was visible, she made her way back into the room. Collecting her blanket and stepped out. The starry night lay above her as she stepped further and further into the sand till she laid upon a bench and curled herself into a ball. âOne day..â She whispered to herself as she shut her eyes, âOne day I will end it all. One day, no one will ever see Vesper Santiago again..â
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