Overtly Pretentious & Covertly Overrated

Just some musings amongst the countless other :)

[vhaatever]

Her

Night cradles me in her arm, Sings me deep silent lullabies. She holds me close & woos with charm, Her passion fills with energies

She weaves stories with me Fiction both old and new. She helps me reel my pride in, She brings my worth onto my knees.

I want to leave her and meet the Day But she is sisyphean and never-ending Just when I gain the strength to break She pecks me on my wretched lips.

Her taste is different every time Every time a unique surprise Her charms as ever-entwining It becomes a hopeless enterprise

I writhe in pain and toss around She enjoys in tragic silence Just when I fall out of her reach She catches my deliverance

But fate is cruel, for Day calls me, He is persistent as she is sublime She slowly fades and clears the way I feel her watch and bid the time.

Almost relieved as she leaves For my humbleness is peasantry. She loves all, and still her touch puts me in worthless agony

She was like a burning wick Her memories last forever, Even when he wakes me I never choose to forget her.

Still, it's not the Night that scares me. For she and I are meant to be. But it's him. The Day. That leaves me reeling Who gives my lonely company

[vhaatever]

Feel

I would rather feel something a second late, if it meant feeling it for a little longer

[vhaatever]

The next

I think i get it now For the next time is always easier

The next verse, The next song The next strum for all I care

The next package The next arrival

The next sob The next pain The next shoulderless grief The next crime

The next smile The next laughter The next euphoria

[vhaatever]

Again

I saw her again. It was a silent tryst And uneventful gest An evening turned mist

The crowd turned dumb Time slowed around Heartbeat drummed My feet fell high onto the ground

My eyes drooped like crescent moon My head swayed a bit and swooned

Her calm enraged me For it showed me the world The world that could be The world of creationist co-existence

The lost words deafened my will to speak The lost shakes petrified my pace The lost glances fogged my vision The bitter jealousy harsh like ash

The person besides, primordially favoured The comfortable silence, painted a canvas The autnomic trust, the binding musts

The smarter thing to do. Is to plead my case The selfish thing to put myself in pain For my pain validates my sacrifice For I became me to be the one who forfeited

[vhaatever]

Alcohol

It wasnt the alcohol. No. For my emotions were more than mere molecules.

My repressions, my supressions, my random internal interjections.

My conscious awareness reigned my sober state of living. But the sleep I lack kept on scratching my bone deep within The subconscious aware and transiently woken up by the active ramming of my conscious instincts

My turmoil past the point of recognition for there was nothing to recognize But agony sheltered deep within inder the balnket of comfort amd recognition

My eyes dark even as the sky turned pink. My feelings a mess even as the things I do are under a rainbow of protection

[vhaatever]

I seek

I seek comfort in sadness. And why not? That is how I saw attention and love without consequences

I seek comfort in misery. And why not? That is how I understood coping and acceptance of failure

I seek comfort in grief. And why not? That is how I learnt to feel the immensity of human emotions

I seek comfort in blame. And why not? That is how I gauged the barometer of self importance and impact

I seek comfort in loneliness And why not? That is how I explain all my embarrassing conversations to me

I seek comfort in overthinking And why not? That is how I believe I will prepare myself for what I will feel

[vhaatever]

One step at a time

I don't know where it begins, The light at the end but a mere glimmer.

I am exhausted, have asked everyone for their help, I have consumed all my social contracts.

I am worn out, hearing the same thing "Other people have it worse"

I have questions about my questions I am left searching for answers in other's reflection

I found the answer in me. For even if I don't like what I am, I like what I want to be. Every step I take towards that might make me hate myself less.

My answer- One step at a time

[vhaatever]

Cigarette

The white I see,

The red it bleeds,

It burns with calm passion.

...

The warm glows

The wispy blows

It waits in silent attention

...

The grey I breathe

The tar I spit

It puffs in swift motion

...

My head feels light

My body feels heavy

It's toxic in its attraction

[vhaatever]

IF YOU WOULD... I COULD

If you would notice me like a bee notices the flowers

If you would walk with me like the moon across the stars

I could see you smile, and not feel any pain

I'd accept my fate still, and be happy apart

...

If you would see me like I saw you that day,

You would see all that the world has to offer

You would see that this irrationality is benign

Its both rotten and sublime

...

I couldnt stop thinking and everywhere i saw you

I dreaded seeing you, for i didn't know what i'd do

...

I needed help and you came for me still.

I cursed at you from all my heart, and you heard it still

I think that is what was the bad about the situation

That you got to see the worst of me

...

I wish I could change myself and meet you again,

Just to show you the best of me

I now know i have no chance, for we aren't meant to be,

I dont want anything in return, just your simple company

...

You hate me for what I do.

And for what I have done to myself.

I wish I could take it all back.

And not panic next I see you

[vhaatever]

IF I COULD... I WOULD

If I could smile at you like the leaves smile at the sun

If I could hold you like spiders' web well spurn

I would choose you like the clouds choose the sky

I would inhale you like a sweater well worn.

...

If I could hear you like the shore hears the sea

If I could feel you like the earth feels the sleet

I would touch you like a snowflake on the nose

I would enclose you like the trees and their canopies

...

If I could talk about you like the bard and his folklore

If I could heal you like turmeric and ginger clove

I would cherish you like the morning does the sun.

I would hug you like autumn's leaves on the winter floor

Continued-

If you would notice me like a bee notices the flowers If you would walk with me like the moon across the stars I could see you smile, and no

[vhaatever]

Deservence

I don't deserve half of what I get I have wasted all I have gotten already All those second chances and 'iss okays All those you can call mes and I'll be theres.

The go to gym for you have to feel better, The go to class, for you have to be better. The calorie junkies and nutritional maniacs The lets go on a walk together, if it makes you feel any better.

I know i havent but I feel I have failed them already, I know I have still time, but everything just feels so heavy. I havent been out in a while, and my interests are not what you would call general. My non specific interests are also but ephemeral

My love seems fake and so does my personality For I accept and nod at everyone's reality I talk without giving things second thoughts For it takes me long to think, its almost as hard as any sport

[vhaatever]

The clouds

The clouds clout the clear skies Moon moored across many miles

My breath breaks blind silences Heathen heartbeat howls with hesitances

These visceral views violently violate These gentle gloating glades enrage

I step slowly over these steep steps I power past these powerless plains

[vhaatever]

The Night

It is 4AM. I walk alone The tress provide me company ... The night so cold The moon. It holds, It contains silent epiphanies. ... The hushed breeze The gentle rustle It calms my lonely gluttony.

[vhaatever]

PAIN

Hi pain!

I see you have worn a new dress today.

I want to admit its your worst yet but

I dont remember what it was yesterday.

...

I think I liked it when your vulnerable tshirt

Matched well with your  remorseful shoes

Or when your indifferent apathetic jacket but

Contrasted well with the despairing sock blues.

...

If I am being honest

Your presence is oddly displeasing

Its always hyperbolic

And always weirdly nauseating

...

I saw you coming from afar,

But the distance is almost always misguiding

Your eagle eyes filled with voyuer

Each step you take is enterprising

...

I thought you would only say hi!

But you started telling me your entire life story.

You planned callbacks, setup and punchlines.

Each sentence ended up worth exploring.

...

[vhaatever]

Damoiseaux

Yes. I am a damoiseaux.

The dictionary doesnt capture my pain.

I wait and stare and watch the shore

For the shining armor will come and save.

...

I dont want to be pulled up,

for I have already fallen down for you,

If I ever meet your eyes again.....

I dont think I'll ever get over you.

...

For your eyes will haunt my dreams forever,

I will look forward for my nightmares to come.

Your skin shines like ember in the dark

It lights up my lonely empty heart.

...

In the palace of my memories,

I have reserved a special place for you,

Its lit up like your smile lights the room.

Its ambrosial like your sweet perfume.

...

I am too scared to ask for help.

For i know you'd do it out of grace.

Like a fallend angel you'd walk this earth.

My homeless heart would find its peace

...

When my minds been acting all unfriendly,

I know its your acquantaince I desire.

For your presence is beautiful and heavenly

Each word you say is filled with life,

Its as fresh as a midnight bonfire

...

I would never wanna see you frown,

Nor make you feel any pain.

I would walk a thousand miles for you

And if you asked, I'd do it again.

...

I feel lonely when you are not around

But I love that you are always surrounded.

When i see your smile I faint,

My agony is again compunded.

...

[vhaatever]

The voices, they grow, they saturate

They laugh, the jeer, they exaggerate.

...

They call me names, they isolate,

My dreams, my goals, they vioalte.

...

I hear truth but lies they annihilate

My worth, my 'steem they dialate

...

My pain, the veins, that are in the brain

Wreak havoc and it feels like tombs await

...

My breath quickens and I ventilate

Would I survive at this rate?

...

The voices question my final fate.

I can hold on still, I estimate.

...

[vhaatever]

GRIEF

I met grief today. He is a very old friend.

It seemed only yesterday when i last met him.

...

Maybe it was in seventh grade? When the girl of my dreams turned into my nightmare?

Or was it in second when i first fell down the slippery stairs

Or it was in sixth when I saw tears fall down my mom's eyes.

______

...

Grief's encounters are suprising

His conversations ever-enterprising

He seems to know me more than I do

For he has drank my bottled up pain and then few

...

He doesnt talk loud, but only whispers

These whispers echo and ricochet

They cut and wound everything they touch.

I almost welcome the momentary pain

...

He is forgettable yet he himself doesnot forget

He is an asshole yet he has many friends

Memories of him are non impressive and boring

He justifies his twisted faye without any ammends

...

He calls me names.

I forgot I used to call me them too.

He recollects pain.

I forgot I used to feel the same too.

...

He is an old friend. Yes.

As old as my memories last.

I forget all about him.

Until he brings up all the past.

...

His stories seem almost uniquely different

As if, a lot has happened since last.

But no, the stories are almost verbatim,

For that hopeless fuck knows how to live in the past.

...

Almost relieved as he leaves,

For meeting him is exhausting

It starts of as pleasents,

It becomes a tape recorder repeating

...

I wish to see him again,

Even though the bandaid doesnt cover the scars.

I wish to hold on my end,

Of holding up my friendship with a bleeding heart