I'm heavily considering suicide. I'm crying again in bed with the hoodie.
Everything. Everything in the letter and those recordings.
I know those razor blades are sharp enough now. I can't. I hate this. I hate this pain, the reliving, the emotions of confusion, helplessness, and nilhism. I hate feeling like I'm being judged by loved ones.
I'm heavily considering suicide. I'm crying again in bed with the hoodie.
Everything. Everything in the letter and those recordings.
I know those razor blades are sharp enough now. I can't. I hate this. I hate this pain, the reliving, the emotions of confusion, helplessness, and nilhism. I hate feeling like I'm being judged by loved ones.
I'm heavily considering suicide. I'm crying again in bed with the hoodie.
Everything. Everything in the letter and those recordings.
I know those razor blades are sharp enough now. I can't. I hate this. I hate this pain, the reliving, the emotions of confusion, helplessness, and nilhism. I hate feeling like I'm being judged by loved ones.
I was trying again today. Trying to not think about these memories and how I blame my myself and all of that.
I went on Twitter and i just apologized to my older brother about disappointing him.
He didn't deny it and said there's no improvement without error.
I know he means and he does do well. But that made me very upset. Then these other memories of that on bully, then Alice talking about... something sexual, which I didn't mention explicitly in the letter or in the video, but I did say she never talked to me about stuff like this or I never could try to bring the idea up...
I hit myself with the Xbox controller in the face. Twice. I was half expecting my nose to bleed from it.
I hate feeling like I'm sending him a reluctantly sending him a hug emote out of spite. That I'm being abusive again. Not because I genuinely want to hug him or out of kindness. I want to hurt myself again.
I was hurting myself again because of the bullying memory I talked about over and fucking over. I was wincing because of it.
Then I was nervous scratching again and rubbing my eyes and I assume there was some sort of pepper or something left on my finger from these baked beans I made and it was burning my left eye.
I already stomped and hit myself with the phone with the one bullying memory, my mother heard this and both of my eyes were closed because I was trying to play it off as I was tired. Which I kinda am but more like mentally tired.
She noticed anyway and asked if there was something wrong with my eyes. Before I responded how I did above. After all of that I just said please go to sleep.
Then she came back and I was already upset from this looping memory and my eye, then asked if I needed a benedryl.
Just today in the summer or so in 2020 when Alice was still here, how I was already on edge and my mother was just... pushing me. She knew I was irritated but I was hiding it, then was asking was she irritating me. Then she sat down next to me and said "Guess I am."
Which I then snapped and yelled "I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING
I just want to be left alone "
Before hiding my face in my hands, and Alice was worried because I got very silent for a while. Which I'm beating myself up because that's when that fear was starting again and was trying to flirt with me about how thick her character was. "I don't wanna think about that"
"Okay Hun.."
I'm going to punch myself
Just as I remembered that today, with all of this going on, when she asked and was trying to help, I got very angry and jumped up, not looking at her and said "OHHHHHHH COME ON, JUST GO TO SLEEP"
She got startled and is now currently in the back doing something idk.
I hate that I feel a bit relieved again. For being abusive. Again.
I really hope my past bullies fucking suffer. I hate feeling fucking stupid when someone was trying to act better than me over something petty when I was trying to be nice and funny. Please fucking die. It's everyday. Please fucking suffer and die. Everything I've talked about in the recordings, is to this day. It won't stop.
After I snapped. I want to hurt myself. It shouldn't have happened at all. Im going to hurt myself. It's not fine. It's never going to be fine.
I didn't want that. I never wanted that. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong.
I'm not trying to be abusive. It's 2016 all over again. It's me being a bratty ungrateful child all over again.
Not like the time I made Alice cry with that vent I made with that crippling fear that ate me alive as the relationship went on, none of it.
If Allie saw this she would just say the same thing she did back then. Upset at me for doing this to myself. "You refuse to let things get better"
I hate when I'm silent and trying to speak that it reminds me of the bratty child I was, trying to be silent but still try to apologize. Last time it happened from what I remember was 2016 and I got angry with her teasing me, then I barely audibly said I was sorry. I'm going to hurt myself.
I want to hurt myself. I already have today with all of the other memories, my forehead is slightly sore from all the hitting.
I was trying again today. Trying to not think about these memories and how I blame my myself and all of that.
I went on Twitter and i just apologized to my older brother about disappointing him.
He didn't deny it and said there's no improvement without error.
I know he means and he does do well. But that made me very upset. Then these other memories of that on bully, then Alice talking about... something sexual, which I didn't mention explicitly in the letter or in the video, but I did say she never talked to me about stuff like this or I never could try to bring the idea up...
I hit myself with the Xbox controller in the face. Twice. I was half expecting my nose to bleed from it.
I hate feeling like I'm sending him a reluctantly sending him a hug emote out of spite. That I'm being abusive again. Not because I genuinely want to hug him or out of kindness. I want to hurt myself again.
I was hurting myself again because of the bullying memory I talked about over and fucking over. I was wincing because of it.
Then I was nervous scratching again and rubbing my eyes and I assume there was some sort of pepper or something left on my finger from these baked beans I made and it was burning my left eye.
I already stomped and hit myself with the phone with the one bullying memory, my mother heard this and both of my eyes were closed because I was trying to play it off as I was tired. Which I kinda am but more like mentally tired.
She noticed anyway and asked if there was something wrong with my eyes. Before I responded how I did above. After all of that I just said please go to sleep.
Then she came back and I was already upset from this looping memory and my eye, then asked if I needed a benedryl.
Just today in the summer or so in 2020 when Alice was still here, how I was already on edge and my mother was just... pushing me. She knew I was irritated but I was hiding it, then was asking was she irritating me. Then she sat down next to me and said "Guess I am."
Which I then snapped and yelled "I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING
I just want to be left alone "
Before hiding my face in my hands, and Alice was worried because I got very silent for a while. Which I'm beating myself up because that's when that fear was starting again and was trying to flirt with me about how thick her character was. "I don't wanna think about that"
"Okay Hun.."
I'm going to punch myself
Just as I remembered that today, with all of this going on, when she asked and was trying to help, I got very angry and jumped up, not looking at her and said "OHHHHHHH COME ON, JUST GO TO SLEEP"
She got startled and is now currently in the back doing something idk.
I hate that I feel a bit relieved again. For being abusive. Again.
I really hope my past bullies fucking suffer. I hate feeling fucking stupid when someone was trying to act better than me over something petty when I was trying to be nice and funny. Please fucking die. It's everyday. Please fucking suffer and die. Everything I've talked about in the recordings, is to this day. It won't stop.
After I snapped. I want to hurt myself. It shouldn't have happened at all. Im going to hurt myself. It's not fine. It's never going to be fine.
I didn't want that. I never wanted that. I wasn't trying to do anything wrong.
I'm not trying to be abusive. It's 2016 all over again. It's me being a bratty ungrateful child all over again.
Not like the time I made Alice cry with that vent I made with that crippling fear that ate me alive as the relationship went on, none of it.
If Allie saw this she would just say the same thing she did back then. Upset at me for doing this to myself. "You refuse to let things get better"
I hate when I'm silent and trying to speak that it reminds me of the bratty child I was, trying to be silent but still try to apologize. Last time it happened from what I remember was 2016 and I got angry with her teasing me, then I barely audibly said I was sorry. I'm going to hurt myself.
I want to hurt myself. I already have today with all of the other memories, my forehead is slightly sore from all the hitting.
I was trying again today. Trying to not think about these memories and how I blame my myself and all of that.
I went on Twitter and i just apologized to my older brother about disappointing him.
He didn't deny it and said there's no improvement without error.
I know he means and he does do well. But that made me very upset. Then these other memories of that on bully, then Alice talking about... something sexual, which I didn't mention explicitly in the letter or in the video, but I did say she never talked to me about stuff like this or I never could try to bring the idea up...
I hit myself with the Xbox controller in the face. Twice. I was half expecting my nose to bleed from it.
I hate feeling like I'm sending him a reluctantly sending him a hug emote out of spite. That I'm being abusive again. Not because I genuinely want to hug him or out of kindness. I want to hurt myself again.
I was hurting myself again because of the bullying memory I talked about over and fucking over. I was wincing because of it.
Then I was nervous scratching again and rubbing my eyes and I assume there was some sort of pepper or something left on my finger from these baked beans I made and it was burning my left eye.
I already stomped and hit myself with the phone with the one bullying memory, my mother heard this and both of my eyes were closed because I was trying to play it off as I was tired. Which I kinda am but more like mentally tired.
She noticed anyway and asked if there was something wrong with my eyes. Before I responded how I did above. After all of that I just said please go to sleep.
Then she came back and I was already upset from this looping memory and my eye, then asked if I needed a benedryl.
Just today in the summer or so in 2020 when Alice was still here, how I was already on edge and my mother was just... pushing me. She knew I was irritated but I was hiding it, then was asking was she irritating me. Then she sat down next to me and said "Guess I am."
Which I then snapped and yelled "I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING
I just want to be left alone "
Before hiding my face in my hands, and Alice was worried because I got very silent for a while. Which I'm beating myself up because that's when that fear was starting again and was trying to flirt with me about how thick her character was. "I don't wanna think about that"
"Okay Hun.."
I'm going to punch myself
Just as I remembered that today, with all of this going on, when she asked and was trying to help, I got very angry and jumped up, not looking at her and said "OHHHHHHH COME ON, JUST GO TO SLEEP"
She got startled and is now currently in the back doing something idk.
I hate that I feel a bit relieved again. For being abusive. Again.
I really hope my past bullies fucking suffer. I hate feeling fucking stupid when someone was trying to act better than me over something petty when I was trying to be nice and funny. Please fucking die. It's everyday. Please fucking suffer and die. Everything I've talked about in the recordings, is to this day. It won't stop.
I was trying again today. Trying to not think about these memories and how I blame my myself and all of that.
I went on Twitter and i just apologized to my older brother about disappointing him.
He didn't deny it and said there's no improvement without error.
I know he means and he does do well. But that made me very upset. Then these other memories of that on bully, then Alice talking about... something sexual, which I didn't mention explicitly in the letter or in the video, but I did say she never talked to me about stuff like this or I never could try to bring the idea up...
I hit myself with the Xbox controller in the face. Twice. I was half expecting my nose to bleed from it.
I hate feeling like I'm sending him a reluctantly sending him a hug emote out of spite. That I'm being abusive again. Not because I genuinely want to hug him or out of kindness. I want to hurt myself again.
I was hurting myself again because of the bullying memory I talked about over and fucking over. I was wincing because of it.
Then I was nervous scratching again and rubbing my eyes and I assume there was some sort of pepper or something left on my finger from these baked beans I made and it was burning my left eye.
I already stomped and hit myself with the phone with the one bullying memory, my mother heard this and both of my eyes were closed because I was trying to play it off as I was tired. Which I kinda am but more like mentally tired.
She noticed anyway and asked if there was something wrong with my eyes. Before I responded how I did above. After all of that I just said please go to sleep.
Then she came back and I was already upset from this looping memory and my eye, then asked if I needed a benedryl.
Just today in the summer or so in 2020 when Alice was still here, how I was already on edge and my mother was just... pushing me. She knew I was irritated but I was hiding it, then was asking was she irritating me. Then she sat down next to me and said "Guess I am."
Which I then snapped and yelled "I DIDNT EVEN SAY ANYTHING
I just want to be left alone "
Before hiding my face in my hands, and Alice was worried because I got very silent for a while. Which I'm beating myself up because that's when that fear was starting again and was trying to flirt with me about how thick her character was. "I don't wanna think about that"
"Okay Hun.."
I'm going to punch myself
Just as I remembered that today, with all of this going on, when she asked and was trying to help, I got very angry and jumped up, not looking at her and said "OHHHHHHH COME ON, JUST GO TO SLEEP"
She got startled and is now currently in the back doing something idk.
I hate that I feel a bit relieved again. For being abusive. Again.
I really hope my past bullies fucking suffer. I hate feeling fucking stupid when someone was trying to act better than me over something petty when I was trying to be nice and funny. Please fucking die. It's everyday. Please fucking suffer and die. Everything I've talked about in the recordings, is to this day. It won't stop.
I was trying again today. Trying to not think about these memories and how I blame my myself and all of that.
I went on Twitter and i just apologized to my older brother about disappointing him.
He didn't deny it and said there's no improvement without error.
I know he means and he does do well. But that made me very upset. Then these other memories of that on bully, then Alice talking about... something sexual, which I didn't mention explicitly in the letter or in the video, but I did say she never talked to me about stuff like this or I never could try to bring the idea up...
I hit myself with the Xbox controller in the face. Twice. I was half expecting my nose to bleed from it.
I hate feeling like I'm sending him a reluctantly sending him a hug emote out of spite. That I'm being abusive again. Not because I genuinely want to hug him or out of kindness. I want to hurt myself again.
I was trying again today. Trying to not think about these memories and how I blame my myself and all of that.
I went on Twitter and i just apologized to my older brother about disappointing him.
He didn't deny it and said there's no improvement without error.
I know he means and he does do well. But that made me very upset. Then these other memories of that on bully, then Alice talking about... something sexual, which I didn't mention explicitly in the letter or in the video, but I did say she never talked to me about stuff like this or I never could try to bring the idea up...
I hit myself with the Xbox controller in the face. Twice. I was half expecting my nose to bleed from it.
this is my arm currently. I've been putting peroxide anr Vaseline on it often and obviously wrapped it up better than originally. I don't have any... actual medical wrap, so I just used a wipe this time around with that cut part of the shirt I had since middle school.
It's...healing surprisingly better than I expected. It's still ugly and the deepest one I've ever had...
Obviously because of the memories that are in my head daily outside of the bullshit Alice put me through, but the bullshit from my teen years. And I see this.
I've had my left sleeve up after this and cried a bit while listening to this one song I found last year.
I wish I could go back to 2019 and 2020. Including the last months of 2020 with what was happening to me.
I took the razor blades I had gotten last year in January around the time when I first started making those recordings, and held them. From those cheap BIC razor blades.
I was so upset. It was the usual shit, the memories. Everything. Everything I've talked about in the recordings, including the bullshit with Alice.
There was something playing in my head, the usual stuff but I was so frustrated and upset. I have a very light pain on the left side of my head since yesterday, I think because I had banged my head against the wall from that one bullying memory.
While I was in the bathroom with the razor blades, there was something about Alice playing in my head. I've been... out of it the rest of the day. I think it was just the usual stuff, everything I talked about in the letter. Her being happy, all the art commissions within a span of a month, her changing everything so quickly after lying to me about coming back on the 20th, after I found out, abandoning me, and just...
I cut myself.
I was already having the urges to because of the pain but just...
It was the worst cut I've ever given myself.
There was no blood originally. I thought it didn't even do anything originally. And I saw...white in my skin. Like that's what was holding the rest together, which makes me very squeamish thinking about it. I think it'll scar worse than the other ones that I gave myself in the relationship. I don't think I cut that deep, but it was deeper than all the other ones I gave myself.
Blood trailed down my arm and I got some toilet paper, drizzled some peroxide on it, and placed It on my arm. Then I cut some of my old shirt I've had since I was in middle school, and tried tying it against my arm to tighten it. Then I put on the fallout hoodie, and I've had it on the rest of the day.
After it happened, not too long after I felt...relieved.
I know that people who did that to themselves talked about that feeling but just...I never felt it until today.
Since January of last year, after I made the original letter, I made a recording where I talked about them. I had mangled open a Bic razor blade to get to them and I just didn't expect them to be...that sharp. I said in those recordings I didn't think they were, even though whenever I tried to get them from my pocket they nicked my fingers.
And obviously the entire year I kept saying by 2023 I was going to kill myself with said razor blades and just..I had the doubt in my head that if I did attempt, it wouldn't work, because of how flimsy and not sharp they are.
I guess today I found out how sharp they really were.
I wish Allie was here.
She told me she would cut herself too, but really on her legs, not her arms. Probably another lie.
I know Andrew and everyone else have judged me for literally anything I did regardless of reason. Everyone, including her, thinks I'm crazy.
