Page Around The Corner

[victoriavmw82]

When The Music Fades and All Is Striped Away

You ever have a mean girl for a friend? Ever worry what others think about you, instead of what you think about yourself? Have you ever had people expect something to happen to you and as it turns out, it goes the exact Opposite? If so, grab a drink and curl up for more.

A friend of mine I went to church with she had this love hate thing with me. She loved me, but at the same time she was jealous of me. She loved to hate me if that makes any sense. She for years since the whole time I had known her thought I wanted her man and her man wanted me. When we had social gatherings, I was darned if I do and darned if I didn't. The way she would go out of her way to embarrass me or hurt my feelings or worst of all exclude me on purpose. The way she would treat me during Bible Study when she would lead it there she'd be with all of her friends and they were to me, the "Mean Girls" . They didn't up lift you or make you feel empowered they made you feel worthless and yucky by the time they got through with you and the worst part was they did it all in the name of Jesus.

I'm sure had you asked her when she was alive who she'd expect her husband to be with it probably would have been me. I remember one time I gave her a compliment on her plates saying we had similar taste and she presumed I was being manipulative and was actually wanting her plates; based on the fact I complimented them. She then told me when she died she'd be sure to let me have them as she was already sure I would have them🤔whatever that was supposed to mean. When I shocked her by saying no I expected nothing,she was shocked. I think a part of everyone thought that David would end up with me......including myself as much hell she gave me. Well that and the fact he had once told me he fancied me at the worst possible timing. The truth is that was the furthest from the truth, he actually wants nothing to do with me at all. Of course there was things he did when she was alive that made her feel the way she felt in regards to him; he flirted, but asking him from his perception of things he has never flirting. He was only a dad figure🙄I could spend a whole blog elaborating, but I'll spare you. I over looked alot and played dumb to a lot. In my opinion, I can weigh in somewhere in the middle, I believe to some extent he did, things said and done ,however ,some things was just part of his nature. He genuinely was more than likely charsmatic. I think the more I sank in rock bottom is when I lost my glamour and wonder and it was more like looks of disappointment after that.

She never told me she was disappointed in me, but when I began to be excluded in things like social gatherings were before I had always been invited,that is when I knew. When they threw a surprise party and I had no way to get there or home but had an invite that's when I knew I was no longer wanted there. The expectation was that I find a way, no one was allowed to give me rides🤔so the disappointment was much on my end as apparently there's. I always felt that was on purpose to make me believe I was wanted there when actually she really preferred me to not be around. She once refused to do a Christmas booth picture with me claiming she was pictured out, yet there was literally handfuls of people she took pictures within the same photo booth set up at church that year right afterwards. There was even a group picture of her dearest friends from over the years I was not invited, I stood in the distance and with tears in my eyes watched as she made it clear that the friendship I thought had been was an illusion.

If I wore makeup she made it about me trying to get her husband's attention or her son's🙄If I didn't I was acting depressed. If I got anew outfit it was always because I wanted to look my best for her husband in her opinion itcould never just be because I wanted to. She talked so much shit about me that after she died her friends came out of the wood work to let me know how crappy of a person they thought I was. I wonder if she ever loved me like she had said she had, as daughter? She never liked it when I stood up for myself and challenged her. She once grabbed my hand and yanked me close to her and told me to shut up... at church. She told me that day, you wanna see how much power I have this day everyone will remember that you were the one that grabbed me not me... that's how much influence I have. I blew it off she told me her son would remember it that way..... I always assumed because he watched his mom publicly shushed me like a child he would have noticed she had grabbed my hand and pulled me close to quietly scold me that he saw she hadn't finger, my hand... He remembers it exactly like she said he would. To have that much power is crazy to me.

The part that is shocking is that ever since the day her husband had picked me up for work and told me he liked me; the honest truth is there was that part deep inside of me that wanted to turn acknowledge he was speaking to me and say, "If you do like me,prove it!" "Cuz I call BS!" There was that part of me that wanted to be a bitch back as much as she had been a bitch to me and her family members mainly just her eldest son and company and say, "okay, well if your ever single and not married, okay, ya.... then we can discuss this! " He wasn't a bad dude, old enough to literally be my dad but none the less a good guy. It would be the only exception cuz I would know he wasn't an abuser or just wanting sex from me, like most older guys. Instead I ignored I heard him.

Now the thing I ever talk about is what I'm about to say: In all honesty, He was the jerks dad. But the thing is I was attracted to him, not the jerk. He was charming, funny and honest. But it was more like when you go to work or somewhere and your asked hey what do you think about this person honestly you never think to act on it if that makes any sense so it always bothered me she just assumed I would be like a homewrecker when I was all about just wanting her approval if that makes any since and wanting her to be proud of me.

He never addressed any of his feelings after she died but he was so quick to find a replacement. I was left with so many feelings, especially when I'm the one getting the shitty looks from her friends when it should be the girl he's dating and marrying not me so why am I the hoe. He even assumed that dating time involved sex when I tried to talk to him to get him to talks about it. I was so hurt, he even made it sound like it was all in my head. Her friends talked so much shit about me "because" he use to flirt with me though it went over my head... No like literally till a friend sat me down and as a friend pointed it out to me and for him to play dumb was so like every other guy in my world. I always thought of him as the perfect husband other than the flirting🤔😂just laughed it off as the south rubbing off and being a typical older guy in the south🤦🏻‍♀️😂I always imagined him to be the perfect dad and perfect Pastor when he was one..... the moment he made it out like it was alloy head, the blinders came off and I saw him like his wife had saw him God rest her soul. She shared some things in Bible Study and I always just listened to it and thought she was just being parinoid that he was going to cheat and jealous and possessive, I never actually thought that he actually had almost cheated on her. She tried to commit suicide. It was part of why she was, the way she was. Why their eldest son was the way he was all this taking place around the time he was born Imagine you could cut the tention in the air with a knife. It made a testimony I had heard from what I thought was the crazy lady at church,every church has one or the story of one😂🤣the lady that is like the apythony of a gold digger, botax and desperate house wife junkie🤣😂or wanna be rather. So this lady had married this guy, yes he was wealthy and yes he was well a typical guy. Thinking with the wrong head if you get my drift. So I had called her one day cuz I was one of the few people she actually liked. I thought it was weird I could hear Pastor in the background, I also thought it was suspich she was at the movies🤨She came up with a believable excuse I filled it away as useless knowledge. Years later she appears after being MIA and she states she had been asked to leave the church by Pastors son cuz he knew of the affair she was having with Pastor David🤔🧐😳In my head I was like this lady done slid off her cracker it was only when David's wife died that I thought about that story again but much differently and I began to wonder.🤔What do you think?

[victoriavmw82]

Where The Sidewalk Ends

So, did I leave you hungry for more of the story? We're you wondering the rest of the tea? Get out of the wolves den and come down the rabbit hole with me to were it all began.

Yes, I had been dating this guy and I was crazy about him, he actually broke up with me because he thought me and the jerk were having an affair. I actually had to take up for myself and the jerk. He was literally on vacation on the occasion I was accused of cheating he had sabatagged my project so it would fail cuz he wanted digital graphics and did not want me part of his tech crew he wouldn't say that to his dad who wanted me to help so he created a legit reason to take me off team.

Before that I had a long standing crush on the guy who lied on me and got me in the worse trouble I had ever been in.....His name was Ben. I thought the sun shined out of the rack of his ass. I soon found out that he would do anything to make sure I failed and looked like an idiot. His dad had abused his mother. Now statistically,most guys take after their mothers......in this case with his cunning crafty skills; he clearly took after his dad.,at least in my opinion. It all started when he changed my volunteer schedule cuz he didn't want me serving in the office having to work with him. Apparently he hated me🤷🏻‍♀️I never knew why. So then the jerk found out and after chewing me out, chewed him out, apparently. The war started everything from telling me the wrong things to do in the office;knowing I would get scolded, to blaming stuff on me that I hadn't worked on. One time,staging a call to go wrong to make me look incompetent and let's not forget, staying in the bathroom for half an hour. Part of which he was supposed to be waiting on a phone call that the jerk would rather him take instead of me. Him knowing that, he went MIA, he reappeared in time ironically enough to hear the jerk repeating all the lies that had been told about me. The thing that always got me was he just believed all of it, he never once researched any of it to see if I was speaking truth.... he just assumed I was the bad guy. That I think is what really got to me. That and the fact he repeated some knowledge that you could only know had you known one of my X's........ a crazy one at that! The guy was literally off his rocker. I had dated him and he was a foreplay junkie;yet he was the poster child for the Absence Program in our community 🤔😳🤣😂 I broke up with him because his best friend showed up at my work and told me the 411 that he acts like he hates her yet he in private acts like they are dating and was mentally abusive to her. He also was a drink he had a heavy drinking problem and he would just show up drunk demanding to be let in when prior he had drunk called you telling you off. Major loser! So I had moved on and me and a coworker began to be Friends with benefits we didn't actually date. But we should have. We were crazy about each other. Time goes by,then one day my answering machine was beeping when I get home one night. On it was a dozen messages with him calling claiming to only want to meet up to return a CD and to apologize. My FWB didn't want me to go alone so he had my best friend go with me. Now the suspicious thing for us was, he knew where I lived and worked why not just drop off there and be done or what have you and second thing was it had to be at his work. When we arrived he got in my face and falsely acused me of stalking him me and my friend looked at each other cuz all the time frames he was mentioning I was at work with my FWB and it didn't add up. It also didn't add up cuz I didn't have a cell phone and I literally was always at work or at my friends or well outside my work in the parking lot with my FWB🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😂🤣So ya!

He accused me of calling and I literally hadn't, he said all this infront of his co-worker that was apparently his girlfriend. He accused me of doing drugs and I literally didn't and accused me of being a drunk when he was actually the one that had a drinking problem, which my friend pointed out cuz apparently she knew some dirt about him too. My aunt confirmed cuz she use to go drinking with him and his friends and confirmed he was a pill popper he would get it from work he was going to medical school🙄go figure! I only knew he was trying to be a Radiologist Tech. Or something like that. So the incident escilated when he got in my face and grabbed me like a bodyguard would, my friend Sharon came to my rescue and we were asked obviously to go outside. He grabbed my car keys and accused me of having been out drinking and he was doing his civil duty by taking my keys, the truth was I had just gotten off of work and so had my best friend who worked were I worked at. She literally still had her shirt on I had went to the restroom and had changed out of mine cuz I had a cussing problem so I always took my shirt off after work when we went out cuz my mouth always ran like Deadpool's 🤣😂🤷🏻‍♀️🤣😂So at that point that's when Sharon realized this dude was the one that had the problem and had not let "me" go. He was showing off infront of his girlfriend to make me look like something I wasn't which is what he did to his best friend like all the time. Eventually after he scratched up my CD and literally almost took off with my keys we finally got them back the Store manager came to our rescue kinda and made him give me my keys back he never took sides cuz he knew my character and thought he knew his employees but he did expect better out of me, we were literally almost having a smack down in the parking lot. I don't hit people so it was on my end me screaming and defending myself however he slapped the shit out of my face upon which my best friend almost got him only I grabbed her. I got shoved into my car.

The version Professor M aka the jerk heard was, I was in the wrong he heard the version that guys girlfriend had heard the side leaving out all the facts. The dude would call my phone and prank call, drunk dial me. I eventually changed my phone number. That was the truth. When I broke up with him it had been chapter closed. He was the one that kept the chapter open not me. The fact that M never believed me and just assumed he thought he knew something about me and had some dirt on me was disrespectful. He never corrected himself either when people confirmed I had spoke truth or when time told him he had been mistaken that was another thing that was annoying. He just tried ten times harder to make himself right🙄

So, through all this I came quite literally to end of myself questioning my sanity, questioning myself, questioning others and questioning God. Years later I climbed back up to the top of Earth somewhere and life just looked different. I was described in my childhood and my early adulthood as having rainbow colored glasses those glasses were definitely taken only thing is I never found them again after that. What does one do when they come to the end of themselves? I would imagine if they are like me,the discover themselves or reinvent themselves, is this the solution? I don't have all the answers just know from my own personal experiences.

[victoriavmw82]

When You Fudged Up On The First Day

Do you have that one person in your life that always has to be right? Even when they aren't right they make themselves right. Do you have a real life Nemasis? Have you ever been hurt by other Christian's? Have you ever let someone get to you, to the point you come to the end of yourself? Have you ever had someone hate you without all the facts? Has anyone ever spread rumors about you and though they aren't true, they become true because of who believes them and spread them? If so this story is for you.

One thing I have always liked about the movie Love Actually is that I could identify with the girl that rolled the snack cart around the prime ministers office and other stuff. The reason being is much like her I worried if I had made the right impression upon people.

I have many wonderful memories of serving in ministry, however I also have memories of heart ache and disappointment in my fellow colleagues. I was warned before I moved to the country how social politics worked I had never let it phase me being that I grew up in a large city. I much had the attitude, "Bring It!" and well one day, they brought it. I have many theories why things happened the way that it did but one thing was for sure it was a tatic used to shut me up and break my spirit and make me feel like I didn't belong in a world where you are supposed to belong, right?! Or do we really?! That's a topic for a whole other day though.

The phone rang it was late into the night I had just gotten off from my job at the time The Butcher Shop a local favorite. I worked in the back Bakery and my job was very physically and mentally draining for me.So I was used to coming home much like a zombie eating, and falling asleep either while eating or watching a movie. One time I fell asleep on the phone with my biological mother🤦🏻‍♀️😂🤣she was pissed, to say the least. So the phone rings and I'm thinking it's my best friend needing a ride to work or the grocery store as her rides were always bailing on her. But nope much to my surprise the asshole had waited till he and his wife and their friends were having some fun to continue the bullshit from the previous day.At first I thought it was my phone stalker ironically enough who had one night called my number by accident and, well, just kept calling every so often I guess to liven my dead ass phone up🤷🏻‍♀️I do not know, but we had this thing were we bantered each other back and forth,then they would hang up. They usually called back, acted like they weren't there and then they were done for a couple months 🤣😂 They did not believe that the person they were trying to reach was not at that number. This time it was different, I recognized the voice and right off the bat I charged in with a comment about them being tech savvy. They immediately got offended and came at me with a slut comment. Now for some reason everyone in the community thought I was a hoe, the stuff that would get back to me......I mean, who needs to sleep around when your living vicariously through the imaginations of the people around you, it was definitely more interesting then my actual boring life. I had, had it rough been through some things so when it came to that, I didn't let that phase me......I had been hearing it my whole life so to speak. I came from abuse, got left in abuse and walked right into some more, bless my heart, I just had the wrong kind of luck so to speak, it was like the tear jerker that never ended the kind that goes into details about one character for pages or a whole chapter rather.

I didn't like the dude, mainly cuz from the first moment he met me he was judging me with his eyes, the way he shook my hand to the way he realesed his hand from the hand shake.The way he acted fake to me infront of his dad, the way he made sexual advances above my head that I ignored and played dumb. I actually acted like I thought he was for real talking about a clarinet when I really knew what he was asking me and it just sickened me. At that time that's all I knew is that I was like this bond servant going from one dude to another being abused. I over looked the way he was always touching his friends wife shoulder, I grew up in the church I knew whatever you thought you saw or saw......you kept your mouth shut and you acted like you didn't see it or hear it, if you knew what was good for you. I knew there was more to "them" by the way she treated me in private when she took me places and how she twisted things I said around trying to get him to hate me even more.....she knew I had caught his attention unwillingly. Most would think it a dream come true, however I saw right through the wool and what was actually there enough to know it was a nightmare.

My hunches were confirmed when his mother invited me over one time and brought her son up even though that was a subject that was supposed to be off limits. She insisted that we had a past which insulted me, she presumed that my best friend was jealous of her son which would imply that she thought I had liked him and she mentioned that her son was a bully and that in a round a bout way him bullying me and his friends was because he actually liked me and she had known and had favored it more than his present marriage for reasons I can not say. I was sickened.

Back to that night, he was amused with himself that I knew and so he asked me in french if he could suck my cunt and lick my pussy and eat me out since I was acting like one. He was not banking on the fact that for whatever reason I knew exactly what he said and heard it like I was hearing English being spoken to me and said, "No, hell no!" In so many words. The jerk was actually shocked I had rejected him. I could hear his wife and her friend laughing in the back ground, that just made him more mad and everytime I hung up he called back. We played a game on the phone, not by choice because he threatened, It was confirmed it was him, cuz he brought a suitcase to church the next day, just like the deal was in our deal or no deal game. I repulsed obviously, left right after church. Nobody ever heard that part of the story or the fact his worker was the one who gave me his number after refusing to do his job and call and made me do it knowing I was right that it would be me who got in trouble. Nobody ever heard that part ,that for thirty minutes at the first fall fest he and my best friend went MIA for thirty minutes his brother looking for him and me her and years later before a picture was posted she described in detail a tattoo on his body that you wouldn't see unless he wanted you to ... which in the picture he's revealing his tattoo. It always gets twisted that I was the one doing all the calling and harassing, when it was actually the other way around and he kept tabs on me for months after.

I go to another church and this guy finds out about all that and he uses that for his advantage; I was accused of having an affair with the worship leader and he was accused of the same; I was in discipleship program and when I defended both of us rightly so and said that the incidents being acused of were false because I was at work or with this person or serving I was called a liar. That instructor twisted the facts to them protecting her falsehoods and rumours told to her and the fact she was covering up she had been dating a guy and lying about it and making stuff up about me to get me out. By the time my friend attempted to help me fix the problem and lay down the law of I'm not putting up with anymore shit the story had been twisted. They never knew I and he was actually accused of having affairs with each other and flirting. I never once did anything to suggest that, nor did he. I have always thought that's the real reason I was asked to leave because he didn't want to defend my honor like I had his, he used what he had already heard about me and made it look like to everyone....that this was a round two thing.

Interestingly enough Professor M after that has not spoken to him again and they don't do business with each other anymore🤔🧐 curiously enough. Makes you wonder.

When asked one time, before I could ask what I was going to ask he answered and said everything that covered what I was basically going to ask and it offended him to his core that I would even think they spoke.

The truth was, I sent copies of text messages anytime I ever messaged "MJ" I never was alone with him and was always accompanied by another female or someone else. Always! He always put me on speaker phone. At the time we were supposedly friends like family 🙄ya.

I allowed him in like a brother and when he didn't have my back and his wife turned on me knowing I hadn't done nothing but defend myself against lies and then wouldn't let me speak to them the truth and what had been said and just believing lies over me, that hurt. I let her speak to me like I was nothing and he as well like I was nothing. Such snobs and a half.

Sometimes, I wish I could fix my timeline and make it right much like in The Avengers. But then I wonder once people know the truth and you realize that the person you put so much faith in screwed up big time would it be enough for them to recover. Most people want the antagonist to be punished and go through righteous hell, me I'm like no no I've been through the hell and trust me you don't want it....even if it's just. I'm like can we just call a truths?!🤷🏻‍♀️🧐🤷🏻‍♀️

The truth is that one person changed my life forever so many bad things happened to me as you clearly saw in third half of this blog, but at the same time I had some good things happen as a result of that event. I no longer just go to church and just take what the person says at face value gosple truth, I actually do the research and open my bible. It made me not want to have sex so while most people in their mid 20s go through that phase... Ya no I was safe and so I look at it kinda like birth control 😂🤣I did not sleep around, I instead tuned into the Victoria gossip channel and laughed at the shit people thought I did. I stayed away from the Desperate House Wives of such and such🤣😂 I eventually quit hating them.

I can already guess what your wanting to know, "Did I ever actually like him?"

The answer is, "no" I never did he reminded me too much of the guy I was best friends with my whole life which means I know what their demons are. He made me want to kill myself and I was almost successful, because of the rumours, lies, making up stuff etc. He never apologized abusive behavior or bullying is not attractive. No. To believe second hand knowledge like it was the gospel truth is beyond me and not even try to research it.

If he ever apologized to me or reaped what he sowed in how he treated me I'm not sure my reaction. But one thing is for certain if you can't love yourself who in the hell else is gonna love you?! So be good and be good to yourself!

[victoriavmw82]

How long will the outage be for Facebook and Instagram? Does anyone know?

[victoriavmw82]

Jarvis

When I first got introduced to Iron Man it was my boyfriend's favorite comic book character, Soo me liking Superhero movies he figured I would like it. Now, I have an old soul, so to speak, if you were to ask me were I knew Robert Downey Jr's work from it wouldn't be like most people in my generation. My answer would be Soap Dish, Johnny Be Good, Weird Science......my favorite being Soap Dish. I imagine they would be looking at me much like this🤨😳🧐But it's true, I for whatever reason though the actor might not like this movie himself, I loved everything about it. So me remembering these movies I wasn't sure if I would like it, if he could do Superhero. So I really didn't pay much attention to the first one, other than he faught Sandman.

Time keeps slipping; Years later I found myself faced with this movie again as I was filling in the pieces of the timeline of the MCU. I was reminded of the first time I went to stay at Hwy 80 Rescue Mission. I did not want to go for shit, I faught the whole process. I went as a kinda, Last Resort in the words of Papa Roach. When you meet me, you discover when I'm comfortable with you it's like, where's the off button. I can talk your ear off.😂🤣But when I don't know you it's like.... "They do speak right?!"🤨It's like the light is on but no one is home, you think I'm joking, I'm totally being serious.

When I first became homeless it was 3-4 months before I spoke, I didn't talk at all, the Trauma I'm assuming. When it happened again and I ended up at the exact place I didn't want to be, I became quiet again. Some regard my silence as I'm "mad, stuck up, etc" little do they know I was a quiet child, soft spoken, I didn't talk a lot. I use to be one of those people that was a person of few words, however when I spoke it was of great importance and you listened. Me talking was a learned thing; when I started going to church the other women didn't like the fact I was quiet. It made them uncomfortable and so therefore they put me in situations were I was forced to talk. I did children's ministry at the time and they just couldn't understand how I could go in to the classroom and be like a one woman show for the kids and then come out and be a person of few words for the adults.....turning it on and off like that. When I became homeless, this trait of mine was twisted into something else, being labeled as stuck up, vain, villianious, all because I was shy. However,being quiet I learned to be observant and anticipate another's needs. They called it having a servants heart.

If you think about it Vision originally Jarvis, is much that type of person. Jarvis spoke when it was time, was there when it was time, perfect timing. To me a humble person and having loyalty. I have always felt this is why he was able to lift Thor's hammer when the others couldn't; not because he was an Android, rather because he truly had proven himself worthy. I became that type of person for Brian Livingston; at the time the Family and Children's Director. I did whatever task he wanted me to, followed whatever instruction he gave me and originally before I became comfortable with him I spoke when needed and was quite when needed, anticipating the needs of my master so to speak, much like a servant would be.

I feel as though in ministry the problem comes when we think we know more than our master. When we close our eyes so to speak to what's going on around us and forget our part, which throws the other team mates off. When we forget humility and purpose, as Vision reminded Ultron. When we allow ourselves to get distracted. In our lives let's take a valuable lesson from Jarvis/Vision and be that type of person for others. Team work,makes the dream work!

[victoriavmw82]

Wake Me Up, When September Ends

9/11 I can tell you where I was at and what I was doing, I remember it like it was yesterday; I was a college student at Kilgore College. The whole day was weird if that makes any sense at all. After School was released for our safety because Longview was under bomb threat as well as ALL the college's we were sent home. Strange feeling turning on the TV and there was no TV. VJ's and journalist were attempting to keep stations going though there wasn't much to keep going. People rushed to the gas station, I got my gas stolen by another customer impatient with how long it was taking me to get gas. I had to purchase gas twice, at the time I had spare emergency money,so I wasn't too much worried about it. My friend in journalism, told me to fill up;cuz gas would be selling out within the hour and told me to fill up my gas can,if I had one, just in case my uncle wasn't released from the factory he worked at. Within minutes of that conversation gas sold out everywhere. I went home and the phone rang. Now when you have loved ones in the military when the phone rings during national crisis, it's never a good thing. I hesitated but mustard up enough nerve to answer. Just as I had guessed it was one of my friends. He is like a brother to me, we had tried dating but ended up realizing we were just too much like siblings at heart. He called to tell me he loved me and to even though it could have gotten him I trouble let me know what was going on; where he was at, what was going on where he was at, what he had saw from where he was at. The phone went dead during that conversation, but the phone didn't go dead, if that makes any sense at all. I figured the phone was tapped and well the conversation needed to end. This conversation took place before the third bomb went off. For 48 hours I thought he was dead. Another friend called me and let me know everyone was okay;by everyone all of our friends serving actively in the military. I take 9/11 very seriously, It's a day that lives alive in my mind just as much as the day my dad died. I think for a lot of Americans we have our opinions about 9/11 and the events that lead up to it, all that aside one thing that stands firm is that together we made it through it, standing strong.

For a lot of us growing up before we got us some "get right" we made our fair share of mistakes. Someone thought it was funny to name my melt down moments a 9/11 code. Like if I was to have a melt down that would be the code for security. They choose to tell me this, I was deeply offended for a lot of reasons. As an American citizen, that was offensive to me on a deeper level.

I feel as though if someone is going through a lot in their life and is truly finding healing at church/ God's home who are we to judge that. A lot of people "fake it till they make it" and aren't real with themselves nor with God, so who are we to judge someone whom is allowing God to be the great physician and heal their wounds.What better place to do so than a church. Secondly, having had friends that died in 9/11,lost friends, family members,those injured in 9/11 and served in the military during 9/11 to me that was not a joke and shouldn't be mocked or be twisted into you don't like someone so your making a jab at them using a day that is dear to a lot of Americans hearts. To me that was more offensive than anything I might have done wrong in my behavior during a disagreement or in the process of learning a life lesson.

I almost walked away from Christianity because of that joke, thank God I didn't. My argument was, "this is why it is so damn hard to bring Non- Christians to Christ, furthermore, to Christianity even.....this attitude!" Some Christians just don't get it and will never get it. Church is like a hospital, people aren't going to have it ALL together yet for a lot of congregations, for a lot of Pastors they think one should, when coming to church. If someone is having those sloppy tears, or is angry and needs someone to pull them aside and talk to them, minister to them even, that's your freaking "job". It's not a burden, something you grudgingly have to deal with or put them in category of "special needs" that's life, they are reacting, feeling what they are supposed to feel appropriate for the situation. I wish we could all be fake and act like we have it all together not real with ourselves,not real with our family members and more importantly not real with God, yet that's not realistic. That's not dealing. Now having said this I do agree, some people just have no concept of how to handle situations in social settings, however that is were I think elders, people whom are wise or call themselves more spiritually sound should humble themselves and be the solution and not the problem.....show them, teach them,guide them. You never know the shoes someone else has walked in Truama is like hitting a pause button, don't be so quick to make a judgement call on a person's character without educating yourself to that person. Putting labels on someone or their character. It's easy when you don't like someone to regard a person's actions or words wrongly. As the joke goes, "Look at them, eating that chicken" though funny, that is a good illustration of the stuck up attitude I'm referring to.

I keep waiting for the world to change so to speak, at times I feel it is in vain, other times I feel as though we've accomplished a small victory, however it is still a Victory. I was made more aware of this when I could identify with one of my favorite actors on Christianity, though we've chosen different paths I could completely see their stand point on a lot of things and had even come to Christ with the same questions about Noah's Ark and about God. I'm not just saying this,I'm being for real; as a Christian seeking God for real in my life not just what was taught to me or for the sake of tradition, I myself searched for evidences of God in my tangeable life, how he applied to me personally. I began asking adult/ mature questions about the Bible. "Well if this happened, how? Why? Was it really like that or is this just what we are told? I'm going through this and I'm not sure why God is allowing this, what is the reason? Timing is everything, so I've learned. There is hope that one day Christians will stop judging other Christian's, will stop condemning nonchristians and get it so to speak, will it be in my lifetime, that I'm unsure of, however hope is the evidence of things unseen, hope leads to faith. Sometimes in the words of George Michaels, you just gotta have, "faith."

[victoriavmw82]

Da Funk

Since I have been staying at my friend's pad, one of her dogs took a liking to me. It was her sons dog, Sir aka: Rookie Wookie. That dog just loved me to pieces, why I have no clue, he would sit by the door and wait for me, sit infront of the bedroom and lay in the hallway.....hoping I would cave in and let him lay with me. I was tempted to take him out and do a photo shoot and me dress up almost as if I stepped right out of an episode of Star Wars.....the vintage story more like around the time frame of Dryden Vos. I imagining I was the love interest or one of his captives/ assistant. Rookie Wookie even made sounds like Chewbacca which was hilarious. The first time he did it to me it caught me off guard because he had gotten out and typically when dogs get out of they run wild and your forever trying to catch them......this morning it was different he and LG had gotten out. Now LG is a pit mixed,Sir/ Rookie Wookie is a red heeler mix. I believe he is red heeler and spaniel mixed.....but my friend will swear up and down he was a German Shepherd mixed🙄 So Rookie Wookie he did what I call a victory run and then he went to pee. LG followed suit. I walked over to them, LG continued to use the restroom and looked at me as if to say, "Do you mind?!" Rookie Wookie sniffed the grass and as soon as he saw me he ran over making the sound 🤣😂I didn't realize it but if Harrison Ford had been standing there everything that I said and did afterwards, well sounded like I was talking to Chewbacca 😂🤣I was even trying to whisper cuz it was morning🤣😂The dogs listened😮 Surprisingly! I told Wookie it was time to go in and he followed me sniffing everything along the way, LG ran over to me. LG got in the door we had to wait before it was Rookie Wookie's turn he heard the camotion and began to howl looking at me between breaths of howling much like Chewy would😂🤣I realized this in the second round of howling and played the part, laugh out loud. Rookie Wookie knew when I was upset, knew when I was happy and knew when I needed a laugh or was sad. My first night at my friend's I even woke up to him literally sleeping in my lap, almost like he knew I needed a hug, the next night he slept at my foot which is the biggest compliment ever. I find it interesting that it was him that took up with me because I happen to be a HUGE Tom Hiddleston fan, like huge. Tom Hiddleston, apparently has a fur pet, named Buddy I'm not sure if Buddy is a Cocker Spaniel or Red Heeler or a mix of the two but needless to say Sir/ Rookie Wookie looked very similar. This season has been a very weird one since January mainly since March, there are times for me as fan getting ready for the release of Loki and then me as a fan going through all in one season the fandom of Loki;catching up,cuz I spent most of those years in a shelter.......ALL the MCU movies I watched while in the shelter. The whole reason we began was to pull me out of my funk, imagine that, going through something and a friend suggested we start watching the movies and ya know it worked. We for a short while, at least while the Avengers and Thor was doing their thing....we became family, doing what the Avengers would do, pausing to eat together.....me being the Loki at times.....a lot of times actually 🤣😂looking back on it and then turning around and being genius in the kitchen dispite what I was going through and like Dr. Strange rocking it out, being taken out of the kitchen and feeling much like Dr. Strange did afterwards and me like Dr. Strange forced to find higher purpose to heal myself and well getting a result much like Dr.Strange.

I've spent most of this season honestly trying to figure out if I'm to risk everything and try, try to break through at age 38 now 39 with the purpose of trying to see Lady Deadpool come to life on Cinematic screen or if I'm supposed to at age 39 go for it and try to make it as a make-up artist and or hairstylist. I considered risking everything and trying to go for a chance of a lifetime for a series that actually wanted to train those wanting to learn.......the only thing that stopped me was it was in a different country and it's one thing to be homeless close to home but homeless going for your dreams in a foreign place I actually was like.....Ummm if I fail,it's gonna be an epic fail and Well ya!" Although Scotland sounded like a dream hashtag goals and well, I do know a lot of biblical info enough to have the average person left going😲😮Like you stored that away in your brain....what the heck! Why aren't you a scholar or something 😂🤣 So I found out that my buddy that found me parelled his, I just keep wondering if this was a sign. I was not the dogs owner, and yet it listened to me as if I was, almost like he choose me. So I'm still up in the air what I should do honestly, I've been inspired by so much this season it's hard to put it all down and honestly some strange things that have happened that almost make me think I should try. I've been debating on if I should move to New York. Why New York, I haven't got a clue it just keeps coming up. There was a job opening recently that was in New York, I felt it was a job I should have applied for because I could have rocked it out, I let fear get in the way from applying, again being homeless in New York, is not ideal or starting over again.....it's literally sink or swim. Cold winter.....being homeless in the winter sucks ass, just saying. Imagine being up North......No!!!!!! So that was the factor that stopped me that and Pandemic issues in regards to the Delta Varient. However, it does keep coming up, should I try starting over again in another state, would I be more successful? Who knows, in my opinion I think it would be the same, just different people and scenery so to speak but hey I could be wrong. I keep thinking that my life is gonna some how change drastically for the good by moving to New York, like almost as if it was destiny type thing. I don't believe much in destiny but it keeps coming up, the whole New York thing. The shelter systems in a way are even better, the programs and the success rate and resources are better. However I'm not sure if those statistics are based off of women with children if this also includes women without children and women in my age bracket, that also plays a factor believe it or not. Not living there I can already without digging probably guess that shelters are gonna probably be in or near Brooklyn, so to me then there is the factor of how do I get to interviews, jobs, if I do pursue my dreams schooling or classes. Restaurants are probably gonna be on the other side of the bridge then there's the factor of the bridge, during the winter is that something I need to be doing. How long are these programs for time line wise am I looking at a couple of weeks to get a job,save and find something or is it 90 or 180 days or something between those two numbers. What are the other variables. I can tell you all about Texas, TABC, Food handlers, etc but in another state what's it like? Health care, would my situation medically be able to be fixed there through indegent programs or are my chances better here in Texas??? Cuz that has to be taken care of at some point.

My goal if I do this would be to move there, get in a shelter cuz I have nothing, first get my medical issue taken care of then work on what I'm calling physical therapy (losing weight)training down to the size I'm normally at which is an athletic size 12 or 14, while I'm doing that since medical issue is taken care of working and saving, finding a place then from there either going back to school or doing the crazy and attempting to start an acting career or technical backstage career either as makeup artist and hairstylist or just makeup artist and possibly my other strength in tech; props and set building, believe it or not. I already asked my high school drama teacher when I thought I was gonna apply for the Good Omens job opportunity if she'd be willing to write me a letter of recommendation and she hands down was all for it.....soooo I'm not sure. I mean it would be a big risk. I keep having reoccurring dreams were I'm in New York, I'm not sure if it's a sign or if there's something else that is being said to me in my dreams and I'm just focusing too much on the literal. Either way I've been doing a lot of thinking since February 😬.

Back to Rookie Wookie, he passed today. It came as a shock to me. Like I said for whatever reason he was brought into my life even if it was, just for a short while to help me along to the next part of my journey but I must say, my jaw like to have hit the floor that again on the fact that a four legged friend mine was similar to someone I admires fur baby. What is so weird about this is,in my dreams, Sir/Rookie Wookie was there with me in New York, I had asked my friend if he could go with me and she had said yes. We walked a trail together in a park, if that even exist and we would go have coffee together and I'd feed him pieces of apple or frozen green beans🤣😂sounds weird, I know and I even got him certified so he was my service dog, I imagined him a Wookie and me dressed space age😂🤣even the collar. I know I had waaaaay too much dream thought into this and then he'd sit with me head in my lap while I read to him whatever book I was reading or with me enjoying whatever music I was listening to. In my dream we even jogged together. I firmly believe that some animals have a spirit about them, almost as if they are like sent from God to be with you or that they have a human type personality Rookie Wookie was that type of animal and he will be missed greatly.

[victoriavmw82]

Blaze of Glory

I just got through watching Green Lantern. A friend of mine, has spent her whole life in ministry; her dad is second generation being a director of a mission, eventually she will be third generation. He started I believe if my memory serves me correctly in youth ministry at the mission, being the child advocate. That was her role for most of the time frame I knew her. She did it well, she loved kids and we'll, they loved her. We both shared a love for comics, her favorite is The Green Lantern. I avoided seeing it though one of my favorite actors played the lead role, Ryan Reynolds because there was to many memories attached to the character. Though at times I felt like she hated me, deep down I knew we were friends we both just had the same problem....the fear of being friends. I've always felt that our friendship was basically the female version of her dad's friendship with a long time friend that did end up working for him Brian Livingston. I have always felt I was her Brian in her life....the female version that is. I also arguably felt I was supposed to work for her Before she left to be mentored. I think that situation was one of those things were it was like everyone saw the signs except for the two people that mattered, us. We both fslaught it, I'm assuming for the same reason I did, fear.

She was able to reach me through the actor, Ryan Reynolds. Before it was known that in addition to being hilarious and talented, he also is very genuine....struggles like we do. So at the time frame she used him as an example to reach out to me she used his humor. Later between us, Deadpool was used. I would go there like Deadpool. But imagine saying something like Deadpool, but being in a church😂🤣yes the one place your not supposed to be like that or say that, yet I would. I would say what everyone around me was thinking, the thing your not supposed to say, the only thing was is I was in a shelter environment. Though people would be laughing, retelling it to people like her or Brian they would have to over their face at times much like you would a kid who innocently just said the truth though it was Mischievous to say it🤣😂.

It is known that Ryan Reynolds is not a fan of this movie he did. During this season of my life it was/has been a reason I haven't as well. Until today, today I caved in and in the words of Catwoman discovered the man behind the bat so to speak. I have to say that in my humble opinion it's not him nor supporting role Blake Lively. I feel as though the plot was lacking at times, the effects could have been up there with a Batman movie yet for some reason wasn't and I'm not exactly sure why cuz I can see so much potential it could have had in the DC Universe had it been great and done well. I feel like script was lacking in some parts so it was probably more than likely left up to them;the actors to "figure" it out. I feel as though they might have been trying to be too much like MCU as well in this movie which is what makes me not like it. MCU is MCU, DC is DC I've always appreciated both, heck as a child I would imagine a world were they at least during super bowl came together to have fun. Your probably reading this and saying, "ya right!" No seriously I would literally do that every year. I think that to many times we gotta be one or the other. Another example; my mom loved both Star Wars and Star Trek she could appreciate their differences. In the case of The Green Lantern, I can totally see why that one director when he was given a chance to finish his cut of a DC movie offered to give him a noble go round with the role. Because to me I feel as though in watching the movie, I could see the birth of the acting it takes to play a superhero, which lead to him playing Deadpool, to me, I can see the beginning of something great in that. Though I am one to find the good in almost anything, though I can do my share of criticizing. I think when it comes to your own work though,I know for me, I am my worst critic. So maybe that's the case here, but for what it's worth....... though it wasn't a complete waste, I mean the means justified the ends even if it's to simply say, doing that role he did meet the love of his life, so maybe if I'm the only one on the planet that can appreciate Green Lantern as a movie....there's always that and I remember reading somewhere....."faith, hope and love, yet the greatest of these, is, love" so they you have it😉🖤❤️🖤

[victoriavmw82]

Give a Little Bit

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Microsoft Word Document

[victoriavmw82]

I am sharing 'You Give Love a Bad Name' with you

You Give Love a Bad Name.docx

Microsoft Word Document

[victoriavmw82]

First time for everything. I'm not a female that gets jealous, never been my thing. However today, I'm not so sure if it was a female thing or if it Just was, damn wish someone cared about me like that to drop everything and just care. I've recently became homeless and quite frankly peeps in my inner circle on social media could care less.....even the ones I thought would care. I'm never the type that gets asked; do you need anything....not do I expect it, but shouldn't someone naturally ask that. I've been struggling for two weeks trying to figure out a ride to food pantry to get food for the whole house hold since my friend is letting me hob a squat at her place and even that has become a chore. I felt like telling one of my friends, yes, yes your right, that's not protocol, however, dang all things considered you couldn't just help a person out I mean you volunteer there.... SERIOUSLY!!!! Yet this person thinks because they serve so many hours there they are doing their part....no boo it's a state of mind and heart thing. My whole life is like being turned upside down, I find out I can NEVER have kids, I lost my car and my apartment, then lost my job lost my insurance paying for medical treatment, I have tumors that are cancerous on my uterus, my uterus is swollen, my hemoglobin keeps dropping, I have tons of fibroids and because of tumors they can't operate. Down fall of having good insurance when I had it doctors take their sweet ass time with the process running test after test sometimes over again though it was already ran and that was away at your stuff, so then you end up having to pay out of pocket 😵It would be nice just to be treated differently than what I know to be my reality. The reality that I know is,ain't nothing for free and at the end of the day if you don't look, talk act a certain way or fit into someone's agenda they could care less about you. Branches and leaves I have very few roots in my life.

[victoriavmw82]

Who else is feeling Madonna Dick Tracey era vibes????

[victoriavmw82]

[victoriavmw82]

[victoriavmw82]

[victoriavmw82]

[victoriavmw82]

PSA: Please come get your child!!! Pa-Leeease, for the love of God!!!