When The Music Fades and All Is Striped Away
You ever have a mean girl for a friend? Ever worry what others think about you, instead of what you think about yourself? Have you ever had people expect something to happen to you and as it turns out, it goes the exact Opposite? If so, grab a drink and curl up for more.
A friend of mine I went to church with she had this love hate thing with me. She loved me, but at the same time she was jealous of me. She loved to hate me if that makes any sense. She for years since the whole time I had known her thought I wanted her man and her man wanted me. When we had social gatherings, I was darned if I do and darned if I didn't. The way she would go out of her way to embarrass me or hurt my feelings or worst of all exclude me on purpose. The way she would treat me during Bible Study when she would lead it there she'd be with all of her friends and they were to me, the "Mean Girls" . They didn't up lift you or make you feel empowered they made you feel worthless and yucky by the time they got through with you and the worst part was they did it all in the name of Jesus.
I'm sure had you asked her when she was alive who she'd expect her husband to be with it probably would have been me. I remember one time I gave her a compliment on her plates saying we had similar taste and she presumed I was being manipulative and was actually wanting her plates; based on the fact I complimented them. She then told me when she died she'd be sure to let me have them as she was already sure I would have them🤔whatever that was supposed to mean. When I shocked her by saying no I expected nothing,she was shocked. I think a part of everyone thought that David would end up with me......including myself as much hell she gave me. Well that and the fact he had once told me he fancied me at the worst possible timing. The truth is that was the furthest from the truth, he actually wants nothing to do with me at all. Of course there was things he did when she was alive that made her feel the way she felt in regards to him; he flirted, but asking him from his perception of things he has never flirting. He was only a dad figure🙄I could spend a whole blog elaborating, but I'll spare you. I over looked alot and played dumb to a lot. In my opinion, I can weigh in somewhere in the middle, I believe to some extent he did, things said and done ,however ,some things was just part of his nature. He genuinely was more than likely charsmatic. I think the more I sank in rock bottom is when I lost my glamour and wonder and it was more like looks of disappointment after that.
She never told me she was disappointed in me, but when I began to be excluded in things like social gatherings were before I had always been invited,that is when I knew. When they threw a surprise party and I had no way to get there or home but had an invite that's when I knew I was no longer wanted there. The expectation was that I find a way, no one was allowed to give me rides🤔so the disappointment was much on my end as apparently there's. I always felt that was on purpose to make me believe I was wanted there when actually she really preferred me to not be around. She once refused to do a Christmas booth picture with me claiming she was pictured out, yet there was literally handfuls of people she took pictures within the same photo booth set up at church that year right afterwards. There was even a group picture of her dearest friends from over the years I was not invited, I stood in the distance and with tears in my eyes watched as she made it clear that the friendship I thought had been was an illusion.
If I wore makeup she made it about me trying to get her husband's attention or her son's🙄If I didn't I was acting depressed. If I got anew outfit it was always because I wanted to look my best for her husband in her opinion itcould never just be because I wanted to. She talked so much shit about me that after she died her friends came out of the wood work to let me know how crappy of a person they thought I was. I wonder if she ever loved me like she had said she had, as daughter? She never liked it when I stood up for myself and challenged her. She once grabbed my hand and yanked me close to her and told me to shut up... at church. She told me that day, you wanna see how much power I have this day everyone will remember that you were the one that grabbed me not me... that's how much influence I have. I blew it off she told me her son would remember it that way..... I always assumed because he watched his mom publicly shushed me like a child he would have noticed she had grabbed my hand and pulled me close to quietly scold me that he saw she hadn't finger, my hand... He remembers it exactly like she said he would. To have that much power is crazy to me.
The part that is shocking is that ever since the day her husband had picked me up for work and told me he liked me; the honest truth is there was that part deep inside of me that wanted to turn acknowledge he was speaking to me and say, "If you do like me,prove it!" "Cuz I call BS!" There was that part of me that wanted to be a bitch back as much as she had been a bitch to me and her family members mainly just her eldest son and company and say, "okay, well if your ever single and not married, okay, ya.... then we can discuss this! " He wasn't a bad dude, old enough to literally be my dad but none the less a good guy. It would be the only exception cuz I would know he wasn't an abuser or just wanting sex from me, like most older guys. Instead I ignored I heard him.
Now the thing I ever talk about is what I'm about to say: In all honesty, He was the jerks dad. But the thing is I was attracted to him, not the jerk. He was charming, funny and honest. But it was more like when you go to work or somewhere and your asked hey what do you think about this person honestly you never think to act on it if that makes any sense so it always bothered me she just assumed I would be like a homewrecker when I was all about just wanting her approval if that makes any since and wanting her to be proud of me.
He never addressed any of his feelings after she died but he was so quick to find a replacement. I was left with so many feelings, especially when I'm the one getting the shitty looks from her friends when it should be the girl he's dating and marrying not me so why am I the hoe. He even assumed that dating time involved sex when I tried to talk to him to get him to talks about it. I was so hurt, he even made it sound like it was all in my head. Her friends talked so much shit about me "because" he use to flirt with me though it went over my head... No like literally till a friend sat me down and as a friend pointed it out to me and for him to play dumb was so like every other guy in my world. I always thought of him as the perfect husband other than the flirting🤔😂just laughed it off as the south rubbing off and being a typical older guy in the south🤦🏻♀️😂I always imagined him to be the perfect dad and perfect Pastor when he was one..... the moment he made it out like it was alloy head, the blinders came off and I saw him like his wife had saw him God rest her soul. She shared some things in Bible Study and I always just listened to it and thought she was just being parinoid that he was going to cheat and jealous and possessive, I never actually thought that he actually had almost cheated on her. She tried to commit suicide. It was part of why she was, the way she was. Why their eldest son was the way he was all this taking place around the time he was born Imagine you could cut the tention in the air with a knife. It made a testimony I had heard from what I thought was the crazy lady at church,every church has one or the story of one😂🤣the lady that is like the apythony of a gold digger, botax and desperate house wife junkie🤣😂or wanna be rather. So this lady had married this guy, yes he was wealthy and yes he was well a typical guy. Thinking with the wrong head if you get my drift. So I had called her one day cuz I was one of the few people she actually liked. I thought it was weird I could hear Pastor in the background, I also thought it was suspich she was at the movies🤨She came up with a believable excuse I filled it away as useless knowledge. Years later she appears after being MIA and she states she had been asked to leave the church by Pastors son cuz he knew of the affair she was having with Pastor David🤔🧐😳In my head I was like this lady done slid off her cracker it was only when David's wife died that I thought about that story again but much differently and I began to wonder.🤔What do you think?












