avant-garde alliance

vi | aftg — knox’s ambassador

[la-vivienne-roses]

[viiiiiliiiii]

Andreil: having an absolutely heated make-out session on the roof, literally fucking each other’s throats with their tongues, while Andrew's hand was buried up to his elbow in Neil's pants.

random Foxes returning to the dorms at night, who just happen to glance up at the stars: hmm. Interesting.

[viiiiiliiiii]

I’ve been thinking about this line from Andrew for an absurdly long time. every time I come back to it, it brings up the same thought that I can never quite put into words, because I still don’t fully understand how far that thought actually goes. the simplest conclusion I keep drawing from it is that it’s obviously a confession from Andrew. but the more I think about it, the more I realize that’s far too simplistic. he isn’t just admitting that he’s attracted to Neil. he’s being much more careful, and, at the same time, much more intimate, about acknowledging what could potentially exist between him and Neil if Neil ever figures himself out.

Neil is trying to understand whether Andrew’s physical boundaries are absolute. whether there is anyone for whom those boundaries could be different.

and Andrew’s final answer is: “It doesn’t matter to a man who doesn’t swing.”

and this is where it gets much more interesting to me. because Andrew doesn’t give Neil a straightforward “no.” he doesn’t say, “I don’t like being touched at all.” “I don’t let anyone touch me.” “I don’t want you touching me.” Instead, he does something very specific: he ties the relevance of that information to Neil’s sexuality. and that’s where I start reading the line as a confession.

because if Neil genuinely isn’t attracted to men, then Andrew is right: there is absolutely no reason for Neil to know who Andrew allows to touch him, where exactly his boundaries are, or whether there is anyone he allows closer than that. none of it matters to Neil because Neil isn’t a “potential participant in that situation.”

but then there is the OTHER possibility: If Neil figures out his sexuality and realizes that he is attracted to men, suddenly that information stops being abstract. and this is where Neil’s status in Andrew’s eyes changes.

as long as Neil doesn’t know whether he is attracted to men at all, Andrew has no reason to give him access to that information. why would Neil need to know where Andrew can and cannot be touched if Neil doesn’t even know whether he would ever want to touch a man that way?

but if Neil eventually figures himself out and realizes: yes, men attract me (or, more accurately, yes, Andrew attracts me, heh) then the situation becomes completely different.

now Andrew can look at him and, theoretically, think: you could be someone for whom there is room for something deeper than just getting each other off with your hands cuffed together.

and that’s why Andrew’s boundaries stop being just information. they become coordinates.

and a much more intimate reading of the line suddenly becomes possible:

“If you realize that you’re attracted to men, then I can show you my boundaries. I can tell you where you’re allowed to touch me. I can give you permission to go places I have never let anyone else go.”

knowing Andrew’s boundaries doesn’t only mean knowing where you can’t touch him. potentially, it means learning where you can. and that is a huge difference.

because that is where Andrew’s confession lies for me: in the fact that he is allowing for the specific possibility of Neil gaining access to him.

theoretically, there is a chain of events:

Neil figures himself out → realizes he is attracted to men → Andrew has a reason to consider him potentially interested → Andrew’s boundaries become relevant to Neil → Andrew can give him that information → and along with that information, he can give Neil permission to cross boundaries that were previously off-limits. (a pass into a level of physical and emotional intimacy that Andrew has kept forbidden to everyone around him. especially when Andrew is clearly already interested in Neil in a way that goes deeper than his earlier casual hookups.)

and that, to me, starts sounding almost like an invitation to take their “nothing” further.

not necessarily in the sense of a relationship or romantically. but to stop keeping the physical intimacy between them at the level it exists at now.

and I keep coming back to the fact that Andrew introduces this specific condition at all:

“a man who doesn’t swing.”

because that means Neil’s sexuality isn’t merely information about Neil. It becomes the reason Andrew could potentially let Neil closer than anyone else.

and that is the part that feels so significant to me: Andrew already has the desire and interest in Neil. the only thing separating that desire from actually letting Neil further into his boundaries is, in a sense, the formality of whether Neil has the necessary sexual orientation to want what Andrew could give him.

and that is why I read the line as such a careful confession:

“If you don’t want men, there is no reason for you to know what I might allow you to do. But if you realize that you do want them, then you might become someone I would allow to do those things.”

now we’re talking about Andrew choosing a specific person who could potentially be given access to something he has never given anyone else access to.

and yet, he still doesn’t promise anything. but he also doesn’t cut off the possibility with an absolute no. he leaves a condition.

and that condition essentially amounts to: if Neil ever realizes that Andrew is someone he could be attracted to, Andrew is willing to consider Neil as someone he could let closer.

and I think that’s exactly why this line feels like a confession to me even though, technically, Andrew never directly confesses anything. It isn’t a confession in the form of: “I want you.” It’s a confession in the form of:“I could potentially give you something I don’t give other people, but first you have to figure out whether you’re capable of wanting it.”

and suddenly “It doesn’t matter to a man who doesn’t swing” stops sounding like a deflection. It almost becomes an instruction with a condition attached. It becomes a conversation about access, permission, trust, and the possibility of becoming an exception for Andrew.

and I think that’s probably why this line feels so much like a confession to me. because Andrew doesn’t tell Neil: “There’s nothing between us.” he tells him: “Right now, this is nothing because you don’t yet know whether it could mean something to you. But if you ever realize that it could—then the situation might change for me, too.”

and that might change is the most important part of the entire line to me.

because Andrew leaves open the possibility that one day nothing might stop being simply nothing.

because he is admitting that, if Neil really does turn out to be someone who is attracted to men, Andrew might choose him as the person he allows to come closer.

closer than anyone else.

[viiiiiliiiii]

both Jean and Jeremy have lost a sibling, and both blame themselves for failing to protect them.

[viiiiiliiiii]

there are two wolves inside me. the first one is thirsting for happiness: a sweet life together, Jerejean’s first tender kiss, those tentative first steps toward each other, long walks along the shore at night. and the other one… the other one wants to see Jeremy completely destroyed. I want to watch him hit rock bottom, to the point where my own heart tears itself apart as I watch him become shattered and apathetic. I want to see him on the brink of depression, plagued by severe suicidal thoughts, all compounded by a violent relapse, a car crash, trauma, abduction, and both physical and psychological abuse. my life lacks angst. but when it comes to the final version, I want to know that our boy will be safe and happy after everything he’s been through.

[viiiiiliiiii]

Jeremy’s future little tail son, (def a Golden Retriever), has a small round sleeping mat shaped like a wheel of cheese. but as he grows, the mat becomes smaller and smaller beneath him until he can no longer curl up on it, and the little tail gets absolutely heartbroken. “We have to find the same one,” Jeremy insists. and eventually, one day, a giant wheel of cheese appears. so the little tail gets to reunite with his beloved childhood bed and curl up on it all over again, while the tiny wheel of cheese that once felt enormous has become nothing more than a little pillow to him.

[innatelyglacial]

So if Riko is king of the court, then Kevin is queen, is Jean prince?

IS NEIL PRINCESS???

[viiiiiliiiii]

"I'm Jean Moreau. I know my place." yeah, and your place is on this damn bed with Jeremy's ass right on your face!

[viiiiiliiiii]

thinking about how Nora is literally out here looking for any possible way to kill Jeremy.

Nora: Okay, this plotline doesn’t work for us. Everything’s working out great for you here… fuck 75K words!

Jeremy, sitting in the corner: But… that was a good option. Maybe we should keep it…?

Nora: No, that was a bad plotline.

Jeremy: But—

Nora: types “reasons that could lead to a car accident” into the search bar.

Jeremy: pulls the blanket tighter

Nora: …

Nora: “…and an earthquake.”

[logeeka23]

[schnuspi]

I was only alive because he made me promise to survive. If he died who could hold me to that?

[viiiiiliiiii]

Andrew was sucking on a little lollipop while talking to Neil when Neil’s eyes widened slightly the moment he fixed his gaze on Andrew. “Show me your tongue,” he asked. Andrew frowned, only squeezing his lips together more tightly. “No, Andrew,” Neil drawled, leaning closer. “Come on.” Andrew still furrowed his brows, but eventually stuck out just the tip of his tongue. “More,” Neil urged, a grin stretching across his lips as he edged closer. Andrew obeyed. the sight of Andrew’s brightly colored tongue sent Neil reeling back against the couch, bursting into laughter. Andrew rolled his eyes and punched him lightly on the shoulder, already preparing to walk away. “It’s blue,” Neil managed to say, catching Andrew by the fabric of his t-shirt before he could escape. he pulled him closer, cupping Andrew’s cheeks in his hands. deep down, Andrew was grateful that Neil’s palms were covering his slightly flushed cheeks. “May I try it too?” Neil asked, still smiling. when Andrew gave him a short nod, his expression remaining deeply gloomy, Neil leaned in. the slow, lingering kiss soon made the tension drain from Andrew’s body as he shared the sweet blueberry flavor with Neil. even though Neil is not particularly fond of sweets, he clung to Andrew’s lips with a passion that made it seem like this was the greatest thing he had ever craved. “Now we’re both blue,” Neil said between quiet laughs, still leaving a few short kisses against Andrew’s cloyingly sweet lips. “You’re an idiot,” Andrew muttered before silencing Neil with another kiss.

[mooreauux]

[viiiiiliiiii]

In other words, Jean calmly accepted Xavier’s transgender identity, Cody’s non-binary identity, and Ananya, Pat, and Cody’s polyamorous relationship. but Jeremy sometimes likes to have a little Double Menu for dinner…? 🤨🤨 OUT ➡️➡️🚪🚪🛑!!!!!

[viiiiiliiiii]

Neil was certain it was his last second at Evermore, standing in front of Ichirou. he was absolutely certain the gun would be fired against his temple. and this time, he had no chance to say goodbye to the Foxes. to Andrew. no final “Thank you. You were amazing.” no chance to say anything at all. just the last game, followed by that quiet, ordinary moment before heading back to the locker room, when he had been so sure they would both be sitting beside each other on the bus, their knees are touching on the way back to the dorms. but he had said nothing. he had not even looked at Andrew or reached for him one last time. he had simply walked away, leaving his “family” behind. he never got to kiss Andrew goodbye. never got to thank him for everything. and Neil would regret it so deeply, because when he thought he was about to die, the last thing he wanted at his fingertips and on his lips had been Andrew.

[midgart]

stretching :)

[viiiiiliiiii]

Neil doesn’t look at Andrew, not even in the mirror, as Andrew straddles him with his back turned, knowing that Andrew is more comfortable when no one can see the pleasure on his face. Andrew, however, keeps watching their reflection, just to see Neil melt beneath him, throwing his head back against the pillow and gripping Andrew’s sides without ever once thinking to look in the mirror, perfectly content to simply take whatever Andrew gives him. and seeing Neil like that only makes Andrew want him more, so he picks up the pace again.