Villain vs. Vanilla
Where we track the movements of sports figures along the villain-to-vanilla axis.
Our opinions of players, coaches, owners and teams change all the time, but they all live along the axis from Villain to Vanilla. The Tom Brady who poses with goats, hawks Uggs and sweats aw-shucks from his pores? Even when his team was accused of videotaping opponents, Brady was above the fray and basically vanilla extract.
But the Brady who takes soccer dives during confrontations with Jets’ defenders (we have the video proof!) and the Brady who might, maybe, could have (oh, who are we kidding, he totally) ordered those balls to be deflated? He’s got a bit of the ole twisty moustache about him.
Brady isn't quite on par with his coach Bill Belichick, at least not until the NFL gets around to completing its investigation of Deflategate, which is already old news.
Luckily there are plenty of other sports figures who have been making some moves along the Villain-vs.-Vanilla axis, so let's pass some judgment on their characters.
Violator: Jameis Winston.
It’s not so long ago that Famous Jameis was raping people (allegedly), stealing crab legs (definitely) and standing on a table in the middle of the Florida State campus and screaming the meme, “Fuck her right in the pussy!” That, of course, all happened before the Seminoles were unmasked as national title frauds and denuded by the Oregon Ducks in the semifinals of the four-team national playoff, a game in which Winston attempted one of the best (read: most enjoyable) plays in college football history.
Not much has been heard from Winston since, as he’s going out of his way to convince teams like the Bucs (who hold the No. 1 overall pick) and the Jets (who are plenty dumb enough to draft him at No. 6) that he’s an upstanding citizen who won’t come to your city, rape your women, steal your crab legs, and try to exhort Frank the Tank to go attacking women in their baby-makers.
Most recently Winston was spotted in California, where he is training with noted NFL quarterback guru George Whitfield. Was Winston captured throwing tight spirals through tires? Hell no, nothing that milquetoast. He was captured riding a jet pack in the waters off San Diego, and only because Jimmy Fallon didn’t invite him to join the cast of Bayside High for the “Saved by the Bell” reunion.
Winston is going to be saying and doing all the right things (ya know, relatively speaking) in the days leading up to the upcoming NFL Scouting Combine, all in the hopes that he lives up to Todd McShay’s scouting report that has him as the second-best NFL quarterback in the last decade next to Andrew Luck.
Verdict: Getting more vanilla
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Violator: Jerry Rice
Jerry Rice has long been as unblemished as a baby’s bottom. The best wide receiver in NFL history and arguably the best player ever, Rice has never been able to convey much menace, especially since his trademark pirate earrings make him about as intimidating as the old Buccaneers’ logo.
But Jerry decided to inject himself into the Deflategate saga by saying that deflating the balls was cheating. Note, I am not a Patriots fan and I was at the Tuck Rule game in 2002 (a game in which Rice played) and Charles Woodson made a great play on Tom Brady and caused a…wait for it…fucking fumble.
Anyone with two eyes knows that was a fumble, which is part of why that bullshit rule has since been changed. But here’s where Jerry screwed up: He admitted using stickum during his playing days, which was illegal (and still is), and which makes him now look slightly more villainous than the old Bucs’ logo. Slightly.
Verdict: More villainous.
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Other figures making moves along the axis:
Richie Incognito: More vanilla. The Bills see good in him!
Jim Boeheim: More villainous. FYI, he doesn’t give a shit if you think his program is dirty.
Richard Sherman: More vanilla. Has he said a single ass-face thing since his son was born? He’s going soft.