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Last night being twenty. I hope I could be wiser, less shallow, more perceptive. Looking back, the past me had so many great achievements. It must be hard for the future me to top that. But hey, I got you, Me. We're gonna rock. Here's to another great year, Me 🍻

Me: What kind of a friend doesn't make it to their bestfriend's wedding?

Her: The one who really is unable to. Hey. It's okay.

Pemilihan Internsip

Btw, baru tau loh dari web KKI, kalo tulisannya internsip, bukan internship.

Karena mau internsip selama satu tahun, rasanya ingin untuk mendokumentasikan dari fase awal. Bahkan sebelum ke daerah tujuan. Jadi nanti tumblr ini ke depannya akan aku isi dengan cerita seputar internsip.

Fase pemilihan wahana. Untuk pemilihan internsip, dilakukan pada dua hari. Hari pertama untuk pemilihan wahana lokal, jadi kalau dari Universitas Andalas (Padang, Sumatera Barat) dapat memilih wahana lokal di provinsi Sumatera Barat tanpa ganggu gugat teman-teman universitas dari provinsi lain. Dari keseluruhan daya tampung wahana, kuota yang ditetapkan adalah 80% lokal, 20% nasional. Jadi untuk hari pertama hanya dibuka 80% dari kuota saja. Pada hari kedua, seluruh peserta dapat memilih seluruh wahana dengan kuota 20% dan sisa dari hari pertama, secara nasional. Kalo kita sebutnya udah semacam hunger games. Awalnya aku anggap gurauan saja, ternyata, it is indeed a hunger games, no mercy at all.

Okay, here’s my part of the hunger games. Waktu pemilihan wahana lokal dilaksanakan pada tanggal 22 Agustus 2016. Kebetulan Sumatera Barat tidak membuka wahana, dan aku memang berencana untuk internsip di daerah Jawa. Targetku waktu itu adalah Depok, Bogor, dan Sukabumi. Dengan kuota masing-masing 21 peserta. Dihitung-hitung, kalau kuota lokal laris manis, aku harus berebut untuk 20% dari 21 kursi, yep, memperebutkan 4 kursi se-Indonesia. Mulai ciut deh nyali.

Di sore hari pertama, aku cek ketiga target terkait; alhamdulillah kuota masih penuh, yaitu 21 orang di ketiga daerah tersebut. Which means, tidak satupun peserta asal Jawa Barat memilih wahana Depok, Bogor, dan Sukabumi. Aku sudah merasa setengah menang dan lebih optimis untuk memilih keesokan harinya.

On the defeat day, August 23rd, pemilihan dimulai pada pukul 9 pagi. Waktu itu, aku masih bekerja sebagai staf magang di Departemen Pendidikan Kedokteran FKUI, dan sedang mengadakan acara Pelatihan Clinical Teacher di Kampus Rumpun Ilmu Kesehatan UI Depok. Dan tugasku kala itu adalah menjadi master of ceremony, time keeper, menilai pre-post test, dan merekap kuesioner seluruh peserta.

Aku izin dari jam 8.15 untuk ke Perpustakaan Pusat UI, The Crystal of Knowledge, tepatnya di ruang iMac. Aku sudah log in dari pukul 8.30. Berhasil log in.

Dag dig dug serr hingga tepat pukul 9, akun internsip ku hang. Server nya down, ga bisa klik apapun. Panik. Di grup peserta internsip dari Unand, ternyata pada susah masuk juga. Sepuluh menit menjelang, tidak ada perubahan. Tapi temen udah mulai dapet satu per satu, Tebet, Ciawi, Sukabumi. Aku makin panik.

Aku hubungi temen dari UIN Jakarta, ternyata dia sudah dapat di Palu. Konon, dia dan rekannya menyewa satu warnet untuk pemilihan internsip ini. Aku minta tolong di-log in-kan. Ternyata tidak bisa. Log in hanya bisa di satu tempat, kalau mau log in di tempat lain, harus log out dulu. Kenapa ga log out aja? Karena ga bisa, ga gerak, ga bisa ngapa-ngapain. Makin panik :’)

Pukul 09.30, aku baru bisa buka daftar wahana, dan yang bagus-bagus udah HABIS. Se-Pulau Jawa abis. Nice. Milih apa nih? Dasar anak mama, langsung telpon Mama. “Ma, Vini baru bisa masuk. Depok abis. Jawa abis.” “Semarang, Semarang?” Mama masih ngeyel. “Se pulau Jawa abis Ma.” “Sumatera apa yang ada?” “Aceh, Nias, Sumatera Selatan” “Sumatera Selatan dimana?” “Lahat sama Musi Rawas” “Bentar.. Kalau anak wak di RSUD Sumatera Selatan, ma ancak di Musi Rawas atau Lahat?” Mama nanya ke temen sebelah …beberapa detik… “Musi Rawas aja Nak” “Oke” Pas diklik, wahana penuh :’) Pas balik lagi, Sumatera Selatan udah ilang, pun Lahat, pun Musi Rawas. “Abis Ma” “Hah? Abis? Cepet bangeet. Apa lagi yang lain?” “Ya itu, Aceh, Nias, Kalbar, Kaltim, Kaltara, Sulawesi, Maluku, Nusa Tenggara, Papua” “Kaltim nya apa?” “Kutai Kertanegara” “Hem ga ada yang lain lagi?” “Engga.” “Aduh gimana ya” “Yaudah, November aja ya Ma. Vini keluar dari website nya ya.” “Oke Nak”

Your account has logged out---

Aku sudah pasrah. November aja lah. Ga ada pilihan lain. Bahkan udah ngabarin ke temen juga, kalo ga milih. Lalu aku buka grup, masih ribut, ada yang dapet di Papua, Kalimantan Barat, Aceh, Nusa Tenggara, rata-rata solo career, alias sendiri dari Unand. Bahkan ada yang belum bisa login sama sekali. Sampai aku melihat ada yang tulis…

‘Nita, Mejik, sama Egi di Nunukan’

Hatiku mencelos. Bagiku, ga masalah dimana, asal ada teman, ada wajah yang familiar, aku sanggup. Tanpa pikir panjang, aku kembali log in dan menelepon Mama. Saat membuka daftar wahana, RSUD Nunukan masih tersedia. “Ma, ini ada tiga temen Vini di Nunukan Kalimantan Utara, 2 cewek, 1 cowok. Gimana ma?” “Kalo ada kawan, ambil aja” “Ambil nih Ma? Yakin nih?” “Iya” “Bismillah ya….” Dan aku pilih RSUD Nunukan, Nunukan, Kalimantan Utara.

Keluarlah pakta integritas, menyatakan bahwa aku ditempatkan di RSUD Nunukan. Kalimantan Utara.

I was overwhelmed. Speechless. Breathless. Dah macam ditembak cowok aja. Rasanya nano nano.

Wait a second, aku gatau Nunukan itu dimana. Ternyata, dari hasil pencarian google, Nunukan itu merupakan daerah perbatasan Indonesia-Malaysia. Ternyata, kata om ku yang pernah ke sana, untuk mencapainya, aku harus naik pesawat terbang 3 kali, Padang-Jakarta-Balikpapan-Tarakan, lalu naik speed boat sekitar 2,5-3 jam ke Nunukan. Saat itu, bahkan aku tidak tau ibukota Provinsi Kalimantan Utara itu apa.

It was like there is this big lump on my throat, ga pernah ngebayangin bakal internsip ke tempat sejauh itu. Target awal cuma Pulau Jawa. Pun kalo ga, ya Sumatera.

At the end, I think to myself. Maybe this is destiny, that I have to be in Nunukan, North Kalimantan, for one year. At first, I have logged out, and decided not to choose Batch August. But then I logged in again, and it’s still there for me. Waving at me, asking me to choose it. Nunukan. North Kalimantan. Ka-li-man-tan. A river full of exes. So far away. Maybe this is one of those YOLO choice that I made. Or maybe this is one of the choice that actually make me.

Bismillahirrahmanirrahiim...

dr. Vini Jamarin

RSUD Nunukan, Kalimantan Utara

Internsip Periode Agustus 2016-2017

P.s. Saran buat temen-temen yang mau milih internsip.

Sebelum D-Day, caritau seluruh hal tentang beberapa wahana. Buat list pilihanmu sebanyak mungkin. Cari tau seluruh info. Akses transportasi, listrik, air, koneksi internet, tempat wisata, dll.

Cari tempat internet dengan koneksi maksimal, konsumen minimal. Misal seperti temenku dari UIN tadi, nyewa satu warnet.

Waktu pilihan abis, dan ada kemungkinan pilihan yang oke enough, langsung pilih. I repeat, langsung pilih. Jangan buang waktu untuk berdebat. This is hunger games. No mercy.

Kalo ga nemu tempat koneksi terbaik, titip ke temen dari awal. Karena ini single log in. Jangan sok sokan log in dulu. Tapi ya resiko juga, serahkan semua ke temen, kalo temen salah klik wahana, jangan marah.

Tunggu laman web selesai load seluruh daftar wahana. Jangan mainin mouse. Jangan klik apapun dulu. Temenku, mouse nya hang waktu daftar wahana muncul. Kepilih MERAUKE. Cuma sendiri aka SEORANG DIRI se-Indonesia. Lagi ngurus relokasi nih, semoga bisa pindah ya.

Perbanyak doa dan amal.

#internsip #nunukan #kalimantan #docslife

Terkadang Tuhan bercanda. Namun aku yakin candaan-Nya penuh rahasia indah.

Kini tengah mempersiapkan lahir bathin untuk mengabdi di RSUD Nunukan, Kalimantan Utara. Daerah perbatasan. Sulit dijangkau. Bismillah.

It’s better to leave the friendship dusty than ruin it.

Especially when we possibly don’t get to meet in the next couple of years.

Papers, Publications, Anyone?

I need to warn you, this is a long post, containing whine and hope.

Currently I work as the staff intern at medical education department, in the best university in my country.

And I see that every teacher here is encouraging their students to write papers, publish articles, and submit posters to any conference held.

How about me? Already a doctor, yet no paper published anywhere. The closest thing I have to publication is my own thesis, in my college website, which I don’t count as a real publication. Cause I have to admit, my thesis is far from good. I just made a simple one, so I could finish my study sooner. And I did, but I had no skill in writing, I think.

This is where this post gets whiny and sappy.

If I got into the best college in my country, would it have made any difference?

If I were more serious about my thesis, chose a more complicated field, would my writing skill have been better?

If I met an encouraging teacher, who pushed me so hard, would I have written many papers and attended many conferences for presenting my papers?

I’m not saying I regret my study, hell, it was a long journey. And I’m not saying I’m not proud of my college, don’t you question my loyalty. I’m just sad and hormonal (first day of period, pardon my endometrium).

I will start writing, I promise you. I will start something simple, then upgrade my writing skill little by little, step by step. Hopefully I could tackle the fear of writing.

I just feel like I could make something out of this. And I will think about it.

Posting unfinished drafts (1)

One time when I had a night shift in peds ward, there was an incoming 1.5 year old patient with susp opportunistic infection. My friend was interviewing his mom for the history of illness. I wasn’t really paying attention, cause I was assigned on chronic ward, not acute. I was just keeping my friend company.

“Aaa Doc! We meet again!” The mother got excited when she saw me. At that point, I was wearing a mask cause I was just done assisting a resident in composing a chemotherapy mixed drug. So I wasn’t quite sure she recognized me only by my eyes and hair only. I wasn’t even sure she was talking to me.

“Me, Ma'am?” “Yes yes! Err.. Doctor Vini, right?” “Yes, it’s me.” But I was confused. I couldn’t remember her. “We’ve met before. Maybe you forgot since you had quite many patients.”

I stopped and thought, but nothing sparked in my brain. Did I meet her a couple days-weeks before? Had this child been hospitalized before when I was at Acute wardnservice? Hmmm I didn’t think so. I must’ve known if she was my patient. Did I help at her baby birth? Argh I didn’t know. “I’m sorry, Ma'am, I kinda forgot…..” “That’s okay. You have a lot of patients. You may forget. But we patients don’t.”

I was curious. I kept thinking where I met this woman. And when.

Till my friend asked one important question. “Have you been known for HIV/AIDS Ma'am? Have you ever been hospitalized?” “Yes, I was hospitalized here, in internal medicine ward, like 2-3 months ago.”

Aaah. That’s it. She was my patient at internal medicine!! “Ma'am I remember now. We met when I was having my shifts at internal medicine.” “Yes yes! now you remember me, Doc.” “Yeah I’m sorry, but you look different, you look a lot fresh.” “Yes Doc. Cause I always take my medicine.”

Patients don’t forget their doctors. Even a silly young doctor like me.

So, be good to your patients. Cause they remember.

Posting unfinished drafts

Tidakkah kau melihat wajahku terenyak? Tidakkah kau perhatikan bahwa aku terdiam sejenak, dalam tiga detik?

Bukankah kau pernah berkata kau memiliki feeling yang kuat?

I call your name but you're not around

I really thought you were on my side

But now there's nobody by my side

I think I’m losing my mind now

(The Chainsmokers ft Daya - Don’t Let Me Down)

Is currently hating conversations that start with either: "Vini kan sudah 20 tahun,..................." "Vini kan sudah jadi dokter,..................." "Vini kan sudah berhasil menyelesaikan satu fase,..................."

Aku mencoba untuk tidak sentimentil, karena berbeda sendiri. Tapi kamu berubah. Semua berubah. Dan keadaan ini cukup membuatku emosional dan defensif.

When I knew I passed my final medical exam, I called my Mom, Grandpa and Grandma, and all of my aunts and uncles. At that time, I worked in Jakarta, so I stayed at my uncle's. I called him. "Halo?" "Halo, Vini lulus Om." "Oyaya, selamat ya. Om tutup ya." He always does that in phone call, tell him what you wanna say, then he hangs up. He said why waste money on phone call? So then I went home. When I opened the door, he walked to the front door to welcome me, and shook my hand. "Selamat ya" with his big smile. And in his eyes, I see proud.

It's a bless and a curse to feel everything so very deeply

Perjalanan 2.5 jam dengan kafein berdesir pada aliran darah, mata melemah menuntut istirahat, perasaan bergejolak atas terlalu sedikitnya waktu, ovarium murka menginduksi PMS yang mengganggu, pemikiran-pemikiran absurd yang menuntut untuk direka, dan 43 kilometer regulasi pembasahan kornea kedua mata.

Last night you creeped into my dream. Said something's different between us. Said you like my red lips. No no no. No. No.

I could finally almost see that fine thread between us, but then you did that terrible thing. Now I don't see it anymore. I don't know. I don't know. It's just you were gone the moment I needed you the most. Now let's see what will happen.

Akhirnya aku sampai pada satu kesimpulan. Kalau panik, kalau takut, kalau galau, jangan cerita ke orang. Mereka bisa nanggapin berbeda. Ada yang simpati, mencoba mendistraksi pikiranmu, ikut berdoa bersamamu, bahkan ada yang bilang "don't be that person". Jadi, cukuplah kamu duduk bersimpuh. Lalu rendahkan hati dan kepalamu dalam sujudmu, ceritalah panjang lebar padaNya. Mohon pertolonganNya. Semoga Ia mengijabah doamu.

Writing a grammatically annoying journal is considered a crime. True story.

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