Vink

Just the mind of a depressed person. Kinda like a collection of thoughts.

[vink-charles]

Starting new to see how I can ruin it this time

Laughing, trying out new things, feeling good

Just to have the same feeling resurface

Over and over again

I am trapped

Others often won't even notice

Scars increase, alcoh0l brings me to sleep

Yet I keep on smiling, trying to forget about it

Noone is coming to save you

It will keep on happening

[vink-charles]

Looking forward to be away for a while

Just pretending that nothing is real

In a land I don't know nor will ever live in

It gives me the power to breathe

I hope my demons can't follow me there

Otherwise I don't know if I'll come back

[vink-charles]

Every decision I make increases my headaches

The guilt rises up until it's hard to breathe

I rather stay put and avoid more pain

Yet life forces constant decisions onto me

'What will you eat today?'

Nothing, I just want to rest

'When will you finally get a job?'

I can't handle more responsibility

'Will you continue living?'

...

It's too hard

[vink-charles]

There is this constant voice in my head

"You aren't good enough"

It makes me push myself over the edge

"Is that all you can do?"

Until I burn out completely

"I knew you were a failure"

Unable to move, it swallows me whole

"You should just give up"

And it's getting harder to resist it

[vink-charles]

The year is about to end

I am standing on my balcony

The cold railing pressing into my stomach

It's the same every year

This dreadful feeling that creeps into my head

Tears that fall onto my hands

Can I still go on?

Fireworks fly into the sky

People laugh and drink with each other

Why can't I be happy like them?

My ears get cold from the winter's breeze

Yet I can't let myself go back inside

I will regret it again

Keep on being in pain

So I stay outside

Waiting for a decision I will never make

[vink-charles]

Tears were meant to express what's inside

Yet I only find myself dripping from my eyes

No emotions behind it

Like a leak in a pipe

It feels strange, as if I am malfunctioning

Why does it lift and also increase the burden?

Getting rid of my inner darkness

While making room for more again

A cycle with seemingly no gain or loss

Truly a useless thing to exist

[vink-charles]

I am a failure again

Barely leave my home

Ignore all my friends

Gave up all my dreams

All I do is stay in bed and rot away

I hope everyone can forgive me

For I am just a mess

[vink-charles]

There was a time I really wished, craved, to be terminally ill.

Just so that people would stop pleading with me.

If I were visibly ill, people would stop bargaining, would stop expecting me to stay.

My mind is like a tumor that is untreatable, I wish people would understand that and let me pull my own plug.

[vink-charles]

Sick and tired of depression being romanticized. It's not an aesthetic, it's being unable to leave the bed even if you crave for water. It's not being lazy, it's being unable to move so you watch the maggots form in dirty dishes. It's not an excuse, it's almost throwing up whenever you have to leave the house.

Depression is no fun, depression isn't pretty, it's torture and sometimes bad enough to end your life.

[vink-charles]

I am never going to be good enough

I will never achieve anything big

And I won't ever be satisfied

Yet I strive for perfection

Try to upgrade my talents

All for the illusion of success

Just so that I stop hating myself

[vink-charles]

Watching the waves move as they want

See them burst with energy

Be calm as can be

I yearn to be that free

Seeing the sea do what it wants

While I would get judged or hated for it

It's a weird kind of envy

[vink-charles]

I am scared

What if I feel this way forever?

What if it gets worse?

Everyday is like taking a chance

Will it be a managable day?

Or one of those unbearable ones?

I am getting tired of hoping

I just want to be okay

[vink-charles]

Never in my life do I feel more in a rush

than when it's right before my birthday

Feeling like I shouldn't continue the cycle

not go for another round over and over

My head gets consumed by impulsivity

while trying to hold on until it's too late

Like a survival game that goes until midnight

yet you don't even know if you want to win

[vink-charles]

The total hours you get is less than 3

You beg your body to rest

Yet it refuses

Forcing you to lay with your thoughts

Making it even harder for you

No matter what

You will stay awake

Trying, and trying..

Just to be awake again

[vink-charles]

How much can a single person really change?

Can it make one love life again?

Will it show me happiness?

Or will I depend on them

Just to be thrown away again?

Loosing more than I could have ever gained?

[vink-charles]

How come that I relapse

Then get better

Only to relapse again?

One way or another

I will destroy myself all over again

[vink-charles]

It's not the same anymore..

Listening to my favorite songs

Waking up in the morning

Eating the usual meals

Feeling happy

... It's not the same without you next to me.