november 13, 2019 sometimes i lie awake at night and wonder why i came back. im drifting amongst an ocean of ruffled blankets and an empty space above my shoulders. it used to be full but now i sleep off the pain that resides inside the skull beneath my skin. im sorry is all i can say. im sorry for lacking the ability to control myself once the hundred proof hits my lips. all i ever want is to make people happy and shove myself in a closet full of all the other utterances i had once said. down down down, far enough so no surgeon nor priest can revive the secrets, memories and sinful thoughts that exist inside my soul. sometimes when i talk, soft piano notes protrude from my mouth it's the sound i used to make when i was glued to the instrument as a child and now the only thing that my loved ones find it difficult to pull me away from is drugs and sex. and i guess i evolved; i guess i became wiser but is it worth it to be wise and in pain or to be ignorant and content? ignorance is bliss. i mean it's surely better than this; this being the constant radiating pain leaking from my toes to my neck the pain of my past. well, i guess it's really the pain of not gathering up enough love to forgive myself. at a point, it physically manifests into an eerily uncomfortable ticking inside my beaten, rotting brain. it's bearable at times in which i place a mind altering blanket over myself and at other times, my bones are vibrating under my skin; cracking, shattering and fixing themselves back into place again. so i guess that, there, is how to perfectly sum up how i feel everyday: it hurts to be broken down, and sometimes being built back up can surpass any feeling of pain i have ever felt.
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