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My New Years Resolution to read more, quickly spiraled into 52 books in 52 weeks and has now come to a sad third week. I'm reading Patti Smiths book "Just Kids" and although I made a little goal with myself, the last thing I want to do right now is finish it. I've been trying to read it here and there but nothing works like lying in bed when everyone else is asleep and reading about all of her adventures. So raw and so unbelievable but all undoubtedly true. I found out today I'm moving out earlier than expected and I can't help but feel I've seen myself as an adult for more of this year than I have my entire life. It's bizarre to sometimes take in what I say and do and know I'm no longer a kid.

I am thankful for risks. I am thankful for collaboration. I am thankful for the unknown future. Today I visited my impending housemates and my soon to be new house. It felt relaxed and calm and I'm so excited to become that little bit more independent in life. It's bizarre how terrifying yet exciting the future can be. So unpredictable.

I am thankful for conversations and connections.

I consider myself a bit of a hermit at times and I mostly put that down to being an only child. I became comfortable being by myself and going about tasks without anyone to be by my side. I find it peaceful to completely isolate myself and just be selfish every now and then.

But in saying that, I’m also focusing on creating more genuine connections with people and going outside of my comfort zone. Going on road trips with friends and moving out of my childhood home and into a new house with friends. It’s all completely unknown but so exciting to me at the moment.

Today nothing outrageous happened but I come away from it treasuring the conversations I had along the way. Speaking to those people you may not talk to each day but can catch up like nothing has passed. It’s nice.

I am thankful for confidence. I am thankful for support. I am thankful for knowing who I am. I grew up with a mentally abusive father. It pains me to write that, to admit to myself that his behavior affected me but it is sadly true. In my blooming years of becoming a young girl the only memories I have of him are negative. So negative that I have spent my adult years trying to build back what was ripped down so easily by him. A couple of months ago, after years without contact, he added me on Facebook. I hesitantly accepted and awaited a message - to no avail. Nothing. But then out of nowhere he starts posting photos of me as a child and begging for sympathy from friends because he hasn't seen me, that he is a poor father with an unruly daughter. And then on top of that he posted something about women holding children from their fathers soon to be an illegal act and I was triggered. I instantly wanted to message him. Tell him exactly why I hadn't seen him and how many terrible memories I have had to suppress because of him. I got so caught up in the moment that I drafted him a message voicing all of the things I have kept inside for so long and suddenly all of those horrible memories came pouring out in tears. I eventually finished my message and felt content with my release. My last paragraph revolved the idea of "accept me for who I truly am and we can have contact" but then as if I had stumbled upon my own answer I realised that even best case scenario I don't want that. I don't want to see him. The risk of seeing him and building a relationship is not greater than the risk of once again losing myself and all that I have built. I am not willing to risk that again with hopes that my father could change. A message to everyone that you should never feel guilt towards someone who treated you badly just because they are family. You are not obliged to anything. They have a job to care for you and they are not entitled to use a sympathy guilt card if you summon the confidence to say no to their bullshit. Although this man is biologically my father he has done nothing to father me except show me what not to do. I eventually deleted the message and removed him from my Facebook. I may have fueled his sympathy fire but I just can't let myself be broken by someone like that. I wanted to write three things I am thankful for about him but I honestly have nothing.

I am thankful for music. I am thankful for learning photography. I am thankful for being able to capture moments. Today I photographed a festival I wasn't too keen on. I woke up and just had this idea that I didn't want to spend ten hours trapped in a field surrounded by munted punters. BUT, to my disbelief, I had an excellent day and I'm so happy I went. It's just crazy to think when I was actively using this blog it was when I was establishing myself as a photographer and now without realising it I'm at my goal. I get to photograph the biggest festivals in Australia for the festivals themselves and it's just so crazy to believe I actually got here. Anyway, today I took a few snaps which made me remember why I do this (I've included iPhone edits / uploads above). But then out of nowhere Empire of the Sun graced the stage and I have never been so bewildered in my life. Empire of the Sun are the most unique band I've ever seen perform. I have literally photographed hundreds or maybe even thousands of bands but when this band came out it was different. They're the most unique band I've ever seen because they take all of these things that make them them and times it by a thousand. Their gig isn't just a gig, it's a performance. A performance filled with raw talent, terrifically curated sets, incredible costumes and back up dancers gracing the stage throughout the act. That combined with the colours and the lights and the projections behind the band and the pyrotechnics and just everything made me completely and utterly speechless to what I was witnessing. When I was taking photos I was like a kid in a candy store running around and capturing everything that caught my eye (literally everything) but once I took that camera away and took in the set for what it was I just had no words and started to cry. I'm just so lucky to love music, be a part of music and get so close to these experiences. Being able to do what I love and photograph people doing what they love is just such an emotional experience that I sometimes just need to cry. Cry to release how happy I am that this is my little life. My 2017 has been made and I'm only seven days in.

I am thankful for documentaries. I am thankful for rational thinking. I am thankful for aburi salmon sushi. My day consisted of Mount Everest Documentaries / Fact Research, thinking of a what-could-possibly-go-wrong-plan at work for the next three month and planning on how I'm going to move out. I've finally decided to leave the nest and move out. I'm equal parts excited and terrified knowing that with each day I'm cementing the fact I'm growing up and making decisions. WILD.

I am thankful for living near the ocean and the salty air. I am thankful for my long walks in the afternoon. I am thankful for puppies and their endless supply of happiness.

It’s not hard to tell but I’ve gone from not posting in two years to trying to post everyday. The sudden change is due to me realising I had become so, fucking, negative.

Every time I would go to open my mouth it would be at the jeopardy of someone else. The constant things ticking over in my brain were negative and whenever I was talking to people it became even more apparent. I put this down to the three main people in my life at the time being in a constant state of discontent.

At Woodford I hung out with inspiring friends and it quickly dawned on me that I couldn’t wriggle my way into bitching about people in conversations because it just wouldn’t fly with the other person. All of a sudden I’m sitting there talking to friends, trying to remember how to talk to someone without relying on negative topics.

I’ve slowly tried to adjust myself to be more welcoming, positive and assertive - and I’ve done this by observing the good instead of the bad. By identifying what makes me happy instead of constantly dwelling on the negatives.

Anyway,today a topic came up amongst friends which resulted in someone complaining about someone else. Definitely nothing out of the ordinary. But there I was, sitting there, waiting for the topic to change. Usually I would take this little negative fire and throw as much as I could onto it but all of a sudden I just couldn’t care less. It astounded me. All I wanted to talk about were little craft projects I have on the go, what books I’m reading and places I want to visit.

I’m kind of blown away with how quickly this little habit has kicked in. I didn’t realise how boring I had become and now all I want to do is create and explore. Feels nice.

I am thankful for my curiosity. I am thankful for my love of numbers. I am thankful for excel.

Today was my first day at work without my manager. He resigned on the last day of work before Christmas and due to confidential information regarding the business was asked to leave early.

It’s just an absolutely horrible situation. Although he took me under his wing and showed me all he had to offer, I still feel helpless navigating on my own.

Decisions I would confidently make in the past are now second guessed knowing that I have to rely solely on myself to pull through. It’s so much easier to hide in the shadows than stand in the limelight and have to react and guide in the good times and extremely bad times.

The one thing it’s shown me is how far I’ve come. I was hired for a one month stocktaking role and three years later I am the sole data analyst and have a hand in steering the business into new and hopefully successful waters.

For the second time in my four jobs I’ve unintentionally created a role within the business and having had no formal training in absolutely anything, everything I’ve learnt has been from picking it up at work.

Knowing that a lot of weight is currently on my shoulders the owner of the business took me out for coffee today just to make sure I was okay. A gesture that I didn’t expect and also one that I’m very thankful for.

Although the apprehension / nerves / overwhelming need to succeed will loom over me for the coming weeks, it was reassuring to know that the owner of the business trusts me. He trusts a 23 year old girl with no formal experience who used to count stock for him. And even though I am terrified, I am currently in a position where I am growing and developing at the same rate as the business - paving the way for unconventional ideas and innovations which potentially could lead to flourishing, well at least I hope.

I am thankful for books. I am thankful for my always happy puppy. I am thankful for the smell of rain. Today I finished a book. It was called "a million little pieces" and it was written by James Frey. From memory I purchased this over a year ago because I liked the cover (sorry everyone, I'm one of those). But I picked up this book, read the first few chapters and was hooked. Unfortunately I have this bad habit of being distracted from books and never finishing them. I literally have a room of books sitting on my shelves with dog eared first halves and the rest of the book unread. I think this comes down to a combination of my attention span and also my hatred of finishing books and feeling lost as to what to do next. But, despite my fears I finished the book. I finished it in four days and was so enthralled the entire time. My favourite part about it was how it was written. The way that sentences were used and spaces we're included. It made the story incredibly interesting and powerful. I want to make a deal to read 52 books in 52 weeks but it sounds exhausting considering it's an effort to finish one. I guess I'll just have to see how I go!

I am thankful for the sun rising and setting with each new day. I am thankful for my ability to learn things quite easily. I am thankful for my morning coffee. I entered 2017 standing on a hill under the stars, surrounded by 5,000 people celebrating the new year and 30 of us standing in a circle linking arms and jumping ecstatically. Once we heard that countdown end we immediately released ourselves of each other only to run into the centre and embrace everyone individually sharing well wishes for a new year and a big old New Years kiss. Repeat this 29 times for all of the friends there and it ends up being minutes spent running around frantically with a huge grin on our face and happy tears in our eyes. Woodford this year was perfect, as always. Our crew embarked on Bush Dancing, sharing intimate speeches of what we're proud of ourselves for, 3 minutes silence in a candlelit amphitheater and the last sunset of 2016. Throughout all of this were feelings of complete joy - making absolute idiots of ourselves dancing in a packed hall, relief - that we're able to wipe the slate and start fresh, empathy - hearing each other's journeys and struggles for the past 52 weeks and of course the feeling of being content knowing we're exactly where we need to be. My goals are to listen, release and improve. I hope everyone had a lovely New Years as well x

One thing I'm going to remember (that I missed last year) is setting little goals. Last year I got so wound up in doing everything and always being somewhere that I spent most of my time wondering how happy I could be if I did something else instead of actually feeling good about what I did have at the time. I think it's part of our generation, we've been groomed to believe that anything is possible (which is of course an excellent thing) but it's kind of weird now if we are content with something or if we're happy with our achievements - it's almost perceived as selfish or shows that we aren't striving for more. I've just found that I am constantly going full steam at a goal but that goal post is always changing. I'm never taking the time to realise how far I've come or even identifying that that hard work did lead to that original goal and I'm never giving myself that pat on the back. Today at work I was feeling down about something but instead of blaming myself (for something out of my control) I identified something I did in fact do that kicked ass and it felt great. Something I had no idea about two months has now become second nature - so much so that I'm starting to not only do it but do it well. It felt so great. Small wins rule.

wordsnquotes

“The sign of intelligence is that you are constantly wondering. Idiots are always dead sure about every damn thing they are doing in their life.”

Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev (via wordsnquotes)

This time last year I was a Casual Warehouse Packer at Black Milk and took photos here and there. Right now I'm a full time Merchandising Planner for Black Milk and have an active say in where the brand is going, what we need to do and how we need to get there. I've spent the weekend being paid to photograph places to take dogs and got paid to go to Splendour in the Grass. I just can't fathom how I've gotten to this point and how things seem to keep getting better and better. So so wild!

I remember reading a quote when I was in college about how the first few years you try something, you don’t create quality work. You have that idea and you have the drive but it’s only after you start doing it for a while that you actually begin to create work your proud of and you find where you fit and your style.

I’m so proud to say it but I think i’ve finally found my style. I don’t really care about the whole “will people like my work?” idea anymore because i’m creating content which i’m proud of and that makes me happier than anything.

My main goal in College that I set for myself was to photograph Splendour in the Grass and it was the absolute turning point in my photography for me to realise that yes I can do this and yes i’m doing a pretty good job.

I finally feel that I can visualise the photo before I take it, that i’ve nailed that “decisive moment” and i’m no longer furiously shooting hoping that I get one photo. That combined with my technical skills improving and my editing results in photos that i’m proud of. It’s just really exciting for me to be proud of my photos. Lately i’ve felt so underwhelmed after I shoot something because I feel like i’m just not nailing it and giving it my all. I’m not producing what I had set in my head and it’s hard to get over that.

But right now at this point I can see how far i’ve come. How constantly shooting and trying to get better at what i’m doing has paid off and that it’s quite a natural process now. I guess I just never thought I could actually pursue this thing that I really love doing and it’s bloody brilliant.

I can't remember the last time I posted on Tumblr and it's kind of bizarre. I used to use this as like a running progress log and I could always look back and see how I felt and where my next goal would be and it's been kind of weird not having that. However in the last few weeks I've gotten a huge promotion at work, conducted some of the biggest shoots of my career and achieved my life goal of being able to photograph Splendour and even topped it somehow because I am actually one of the official photographers for the festival and ah! The past few months have been rewarding but also so difficult at times. I've found myself at my highest and then at my lowest, completely questioning what I'm doing and then being so stoked with myself. I guess some things never change. Also if you want to see more frequent posts than once every blue moon (like on here) my Instagram is biancaholderness ✨

Life's been pretty strange lately. For the past few years I've always had goals to aim for and measure progress on but at the moment I have nothing. It's been getting me down a bit and making me really narrow minded and negative so it's only when I look back at the weeks worth of photos that I notice what I did. This week was mostly food. I've sorted out my finances so try and pay my loans really quick and I've had to cut back on buying meals so I'm instead trying to make them. Also I got to take a few photos for work that got featured in different areas so that was also nice. If these two weeks go perfectly to plan I'll be shooting Fall Out Boy, Marilyn Manson and Future Music. Unfortunately I have this sinking feeling that they're all gonna fall through so once again I'm in this horrible place of wanting to look forward to the future but coming to terms with it also not happening. What a sad post.

wordsnquotes

لا أبحث عن نصفي الأخر لأنني لستُ نصفًا.

Unknown

translation: "I’m not searching for my other half because I’m not a half."

(via wordsnquotes)

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