[cheaphalloweencostume]

my least favorite literary smut turn of phrase is when a guy is like “im gonna ruin this pussy” “im gonna wreck this pussy for anyone else” like stop.. thats not yours…!

[goofda]

“Imma destroy that pussy” my friend 😔

[vitamindeeznutz]

hi everyone this is my sister nintendo #nintendo

[rodentwithmanners]

oh sorry i spillt juice i hope you dont come lick me all over

[woodwool]

severely deficient in whatever vitamin makes u a person

[ka-waltz]

rhyming couplet written by craigslist

[bgm05]

Would it be considered “gay” to go for a walk in the evening?

[flareonfloof]

let me make this easier for you: our daughter, Falin Objectum Smith, ate a leadberry because you didn't become pregnant with a proper gun safe and now she's getting a surgeryjob from a doctor with big scalpels

[akashicrecord]

Uncouth behavior on my part. Not the time or place to squirt

[tall]

[syzygynephile]

Me, trying to impress my date with a display of my boundless humility: I would like to order one single, solitary crumb.

Waitress taking my order: Such arrogance! Not only do you presume to boast under the guise of being humble, but your order employs the most decadent of linguistic excesses - the tautology!

My date, who until recently thought "tautology" referred to the study of tensile strengths and upon learning her mistake compensated by reading through its Wikipedia article: That would be more correctly identified as a "pleonasm".

The editor I hired to curate my posts who styles himself as a sort of scheming court advisor: My liege, this one is getting away from us. The punchline loses much of its impact when the rest of the joke is derailed by this increasingly self-indulgent meta humour. Were it up to me, your Grace, which of course it is not, I would cut the others and leave myself as the only supporting character. You need noone else, Your Majesty...

My card: Declines

[akashicrecord]

Enjoying that discounted set of Egyptian cotton sheets you found on Facebook Marketplace? Well just know that before they were unopened they were on my mattress where I was doing anal and eating teriyaki chicken

[akashicrecord]

I want to be the world's first plus size gay porn star with moderate scoliosis

[tothechaos]

any tips for developing discipline? ive been going through life on a lackadaisical hedonist build but ive got a bunch of mysterious problems that i may or may not be at fault for

[bobdylanyaoi]

how do i get my cuck to stay put in his chair? he keeps pacing around the room because he is on stimulants..

[ewaneneollav]

likable in a china shop

[jerseyclown]

and a little more fucking the wound for my friend here please

[maxxie-or-smth]

yeah i'm into petplay run me over with your car