When I've got 2827 thoughts in my head, I always find it quite therapeutic to write on tumblr. I'm absolutely determined to not go back on anti-depressants. They made my judgement so cloudy and I hated the fact I couldn't focus on my studies. I applied for therapy at my university too, but I applied almost 5 weeks ago... And no response.
So here's a list of things that are bugging me today. I'm hoping that by writing them out, it won't seem that detrimental in the wider perspective, and at the very least, I can get a few things off my chest:
1) I feel stuck in a rut. Back in my sugar days or even earlier, I would never say no to spontaneity. I once had a first date with an older guy that ended up with his driver dropping me home at 5AM just so I can pick up a few clothes and go to Paris with him at 8AM. Now? I need everything to be so regimented otherwise I feel out of control. A guy I went on a few dates with invited me to Cape Town. Old me would have been SO down for that. New me? I didn't go because I felt guilty of not doing work.
2) Studies. That's the biggest worry in my life. Last year, I got a 2.2 which is basically... Not great. I spent a decade of my life working to be at this university. To graduate with a 2.2 would be a huge personal disappointment. Most graduate work schemes require a 2.1 for you to apply and I'm genuinely trying my hardest... But I don't think it's good enough. Honestly, I've lost passion for my subject and now it's a matter of just trying to leave this place with something to show for it. I'm also petrified of the future. Everyone is settling in to a graduate scheme while I haven't even got a part time job lined up. It's fine, I know I'll figure it out once I graduate, but it's still daunting all the same.
3) I feel lonely. I know, I know, in this day and age you're not allowed to admit you feel alone. You have to constantly be 'busy' but it's true. I have no good friends at this university, no one to really talk to and it's just horrible seeing all the photos on facebook of the fun everyone is having. I have a few incredible friends back home and my family and I are on good terms but I miss a meaningful relationship with a guy. I miss the morning texts, having someone to complain to and so on. I promised myself I wouldn't get into a relationship for that exact reason- because I make it my primary focus. But I do miss it. Casually dating is fun but being able to feel truly comfortable around a guy... I haven't had that for a while.
So in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing major I guess. I just have to remind myself it's 4 months of intensity, restriction and rules and then I can (hopefully) have a crazy summer, do spontaneous stuff, meet the man of my dreams, graduate with a 2.1 and live happy ever after. Hopefully.