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Fuckkk I ate my entire salt and straw single scoop when I was only supposed to eat 1/4. Mind u NO ONE was forcing me or watching me im such a fat chud bruh. At least I skipped lunch and worked out secretly. If my parents let me go on a walk I’ll try running instead and hopefully skip dinner. I feel so sick and full and it’s only 3:00.

bro im so fucking mad my doctor said my vitals are unstable AGAIN even though i didn't lose that muchw eight since last time (like less than an lb). my bpm was 91 and my heartrate was 50ish and my orthostats were 30ish too so its not amazing but its not like bad enoguh to be a concern. they're overreacting sm and want me to gain even more and stop my limited exercise completely. like im not doing that lmfao.

i was trying so hard to not lose weight and keep my vitals ok so i don't need to go back but ig it didn't make a difference. while i could have been working out properly and getting skinny i've been getting fatter for no reason so idc anymore. i'm done w hs finally and am done pretending for my doctor and family. if none of my efforts make a difference im js doing what i want and st4rving bc im not tryna gain forever.

I love baking and giving it away. like personally I would never let myself eat that but u can get fat if u want!!

Idt I’ll ever be happy w my body again. When I lose I feel good at first but then I start to feel like a child next to my friends. When I gain I feel fat and lazy and gross and average. I’d rather be skinny and admired by people so it’s my best option.

I graduate in a week so I just need to float and pretend to recover until then and then I’ll be free to lock in again.

fuckkk im going to see my doctor on wednesday and i think i've gained since last time. thats what she wants so hopefully she'll relax but i feel so guilty and embarrassed. like im supposed to be 4na thats why im evnen there, im actually a disgrace.

i hate when i can feel the fat on my body even when im not moving. i feel like im melting if that makes sense.

goodbyehele

Every taste adds to the waist 🪽

I wish it was winter all the time 😞

My friends pmo so bad like when I was forced to recover and was being stuffed w food all the time they randomly decide to lock in and eat nothing. Now I’ve relapsed and they’re planning so many food related events. Idc abt the temptation of food bc that won’t work on me, but idk how im gonna avoid eating without them getting worried.

How can I stop when l0sing w3ight is the only thing im good at?

Everyone always says u don’t need to lose weight ur not fat, but I don’t want to be not fat I need to be perfect. I want ppl to look at me and see my dedication.

bandagedthoughtsblog

I need to be so skinny people pray to achieve what I have and forever wonder how I do it. And they’ll never know or have the discipline to get where I am. It isn’t even all about looks, I need to exude willpower and strength. Those who complain about their body without trying to change anything just don’t want it bad enough.

I’ve been gone for a while but I wanted to share my journey with doctors and the hospital so you lovely angels know what NOT to do.

When I went for my annual checkup the doctor noticed I lost over 20 lb in a short period of time and was underweight. I also told her about my period loss for 4 months (dumb ik but I was scared). The worst part was my mom was with me and she started venting to the doctor about how how I don’t eat and do intense workouts and stuff. I tried to minimize what she was saying but it didn’t work and the doctor said I might have an ed.

Obviously I denied this but my mom was convinced. They made me do an ekg to see my heart rate and bp which were unstable but not by much. Yk how we get dizzy and lightheaded? Apparently that is an effect of your heart slowing down and mine was 5-10 under the correct amount.

My doctor told me to go home and monitor my hr for a week and also try and gain some weight. So I was like ok wtv I’ll gain an lb or two and get cleared and lose it again right after. It worked I gained like 4 lb just for the fucking doctor to say I was still unstable and I had to either talk to an ed therapist who was booked for a good three months or get admitted to the ed clinic so they can monitor me overnight to make sure my hr isn’t getting too low and nutritionists and psychologists could help me.

So I brought my stuff to the hospital and they hooked me up to the monitor and stay overnight. I had my laptop so I just did hw and watched tv and stuff. I wasn’t allowed to get out of bed or move much but the worst part was the eating. My regular diet is 300-500 cal per day so this was really hard. This is what I ate day 1:

Breakfast: 8:30

Two big blueberry pancakes

Butter and maple syrup packed

Oikos yogurt

Orange juice

Lunch: 12:30

Pbj sandwich (HUGE)

10 baby carrots

Ranch

Apple juice

Snack:

Chobani yogurt

5 walnuts

Dinner: 5:30

Salmon

Quinoa

Vegetables

Snack: 8:30

1 banana

1/2 pint milk

This was supposed to be an easier day but I felt so bloated and disgusting after every meal. I almost always didn’t finish something like the maple syrup or ranch and they replaced it with ensure cal for cal. It was so bad and the nurses monitor you every meal to make sure you eat. Usually I would try to sneak throw stuff away or something but I really wanted to get out asap so I could go to senior skip day so I just complied. I was literally eating back to back and it completely messed my mindset up now. They increased my food after day 1 and I stayed for 4 days (I did miss skip day). Eventually when I was off bedrest I got to walk around on my floor and participate in groups with other patients who were a lot more sick and less talkative.

Basically I just complied so I could get out and get back to normal after bc my vitals were barely unstable and got better after like 2 days but that was not the case.

everyone around me is locking in for summer but i've already done that all year so its messing with me. i feel so competitive even though i know i don't need to do as much as my friends, but i can't stand seeing them workout more than me or eat healthier than me. like thats my thing, go eat your fucking fatass food like you've been doing all year, you don't care as much as me and if you did you wouldn't be starting so late. like they deadass go to the gym and get froyo after. ik i shouldn't care but ughhhh.

ana makes me feel like i accomplished something. at the end of the day even when i haven't done anything important i feel better because i did good eating-wise, and if i stop doing this then i have nothing to feel good about. i know i need to stop at some point but i literally can't or i feel like i'll fall into depression.

losing weight is fun until you need to go out and you have a closet full of clothes that don't fit

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