l'éveil

[viveveil]

where are you

the one who gets me

the one who is attracted to my vulnerability 

the one who apologizes when they upset me

the one who wants to learn me inside out and map me so they never forget

who wants to add to the map as i develop

as we develop, together

the one who wants to make the world a better place with me

the one who wants to share showers, meals, errands, friends, healthy boundaries, open communication

who agrees with all of the cheese yet also finds it repulsive, just like me

the one who can handle my sass; nay, enjoys it

the one who appreciates all of the fucking endless efforts that i contribute to the lives of those whom i care about

the one who is willing and excited to unlearn all of these atrocious patterns with me

who will make music with me

on instruments, on inanimate objects, on each other’s bodies,

who isn’t afraid to show me off

who is so fucking proud to show me off, who is so proud to be with me, spend time with me, cultivate better everything with me

the one who thinks about me when they wake up and before they go to bed and intermittently throughout the day

and doesn’t hesitate to tell me 

the one who knows how i like to be kissed, bit, touched, fucked

and wants to find higher heights of pleasure together

every day

until we’re grey 

and beyond

and our children are grossed out by how in love we still are

i fucking hate how brainwashed i am.

[viveveil]

toys

my head is like a spinning top - the speed may be too much and i could ask for it to stop or to at least slow down, as such - but then my inner toddler would get bored.

[viveveil]

armour amour

wish there was something to wrap my heart in to make it stronger keep it together filter the feelings which do not serve me bury it down, grow something new

[viveveil]

stole my soul

somebody came and stole my soul or did i leave it in a house somewhere? could i steal it back from the person who took it? or go back to the place where i left it? can i wake it back from the dead can i resurrect it? i wrote a lot of music on robie street i did a lot of yoga on pepperell what were the links connecting these?

[viveveil]

july 19

when will i stop asking for certainty and begin finding inspiration in not knowing? keep asking, keep leaning against it; begging for it to budge. when will the sysyphian wall of questions finally manifest as the door unhinge itself, and the foundation of my worrying crack and crumble and become rubble.

[viveveil]

~

why am I so lonely? it's like I'm fucking incompetent if I don't have company. where did this come from? I used to be fine. I feel pathetic. so disappointed in most people. the most disappointed in myself, though. I need to start smoking weed again.

[viveveil]

backturn

got so much practice, I'm practically a master; adapted to outlasting being ignored and holding faster to the silence. my shoulder's so frozen cold that it's violent. the best at pretending, I'm bending - not breaking, defending my faking with shaking hands. my attempt to rest just lends itself to pressure against my chest as opposed to vision questing with eyes closed 'cause my heart knows i'm phoney and so scared of being exposed. i DO care. it's ended. although, refuse to show it 'cause it's not beneficial to confess. I'm sorry that you couldn't love me the way I needed you to.

[viveveil]

older lyrics [unused]

it seems i’ve been trading sleep for dreams alone again as it’s nearing dawn my heart never grows out of stupid but shadows are the only evidence of sun my heart only breaks like the day, like the waves my stomach just turns  like the earth, like a page lessons revisited like learning this, is as if to exist in a permanent threshold but i know it will end and the door will open eventually, but until then my heart only breaks like the day, like the waves my stomach just turns like the earth, like a page

[viveveil]

coward

“i don’t feel the same way about you anymore.” “but, why?”

“...because you get upset about stuff that i do and you challenge me on things and i don’t like it because you’re supposed to feed my ego, not shake it.’ - getting dumped by fuckboys

[rupikaur-deactivated20170926]

excerpt from page 140 🌻 preorder: rupikaur.com/milkandhoney

[viveveil]

in an ideal world..

..he would miss the shit out of you.

in an ideal world he would miss the shit out of you and beg for you back, realizing how amazing you are and how unparalleled your love was and how much you gave to him and how nobody else would do it as well as you did.  how nobody else would put up with as much of his shit as you did.

but, it’s a sick, sad, and cruel fucking world and he is going to move on and be happy and find another girl pretty soon and you are the one who is still sad, still holding on, still not letting go, still fucking missing him every hellforsaken day you have to wake up and go to sleep thinking about him.  that fucking prick who took you for granted and took advantage of your kindness, your love, and your affection and twisted it all up until it looked like interruption, clinginess, inconvenience.

oh. my. fucking. god. i’m so fucking inconvenient for loving you.

why does this keep happening?  why do they think my love so goddamned smothering?  why don’t they see it for what it is and that it’s BEAUTIFUL AND POWERFUL and THOROUGH?  i will love you fucking thoroughly.  it is not an interruption or a burden.  it will enhance your life.  but you fucking swindlers out there with your ulterior motives and your impure intentions; you energy vampires seeking to suck me dry of my strength and positivity so that you make it your own.  you roll around in me and get warm and sticky in my ripeness and then you run away with my fragrance, my nectar, my nourishment.  you buzz off, you get bored when i am always at your disposal.  when i am too available, you are turned off.

you’re disgusting.

[viveveil]

proof/truth

i’m snooping. fuck,  ew. i think i might puke - the blood pumping so hard in my head i might lose it. i’ve only got a few minutes before he’s back in the room, & i’ve had this looming feeling that there’s something to look for. look more. shallow breaths. every time i hear his steps, i’m frantic - exiting apps and pretend that i’ve been resting. but, he’s gone again and i go on again; checking messages and  getting restless and the anxiety is methodic the stress gets me robotic as i read my worst fears in the texts. fuck. i knew it.   i fucking knew it. throw down the phone - quick - your stomach is turning, it’s churning, lurching for the bathroom the back of your throat gets to burning with bile. “Hey gorgeous, what are you up to this weekend? Great smile.” i’m gagging - it can’t be real, “Wow, you’re stunning, want to come over and work on some music sometime?” that wretch.  nothing’s coming out because i haven’t been eating much lately. “Skate date?  Loser buys coffee!” i’m heaving.  too shocked to cry, even. losing my mind with the truth.  the proof. i knew it.   i fucking knew it. how to confront it? how to admit i was snooping? but i knew there was something to look for. i knew i’d find the truth.

[viveveil]

noncoping

can’t make breakfast.

made breakfast with them, so now making breakfast reminds you of them.

can’t make breakfast.

hunger makes the body too distracted to think about them anyway.

[rupikaur-deactivated20170926]

[viveveil]

we will not be lovers

in this lifetime we will not be lovers,

for you are not brave enough.

you are not brave enough to  reject the ideals that you were taught, the standards that oppress me, from every angle, every curve. you, who covets my form yet, rejects the philosophy which promises my freedom from abuse, from rape, from “bullying”. you, who tells me that my underarms are disgusting, not even with your words, but with your rejection. you, who is attracted to me, but not to all of me because my patch of effeminate fuzz,  neighbor to my breasts, which bounce with pride that one day, i can feed tiny, innocent humans. because, women aren’t supposed to have body hair, they told you. because, feminism is a bad word, synonymous for man-hating, they told you. because, that is disgusting, because, a woman’s worth is in her kemptness & her grooming & her image, they told you. they told you and, you listened. you believed that, and despite being intrigued by my strength and my health and my finesse - you cannot love me. for you are not brave enough. for you are not willing to rewrite your beliefs in, what makes a woman, “womanly”. and as for me - i will be over here dancing, sweating, embracing my hair under my arms, neighbor to my breasts defining the lines, sculpted from loving myself with stretching, with work, with play. because my femininity is not defined by a razor, or baldness. my femininity is defined by nature, and by my relationship to it. and, in this lifetime, we will not be lovers. for you are not brave enough.

[viveveil]

detritus

his love for me faded slowly --

died like the autumn,

dried up slowly like an aquifer, abused;

i watched it like the sinking sun.

i thought i’d see the coming of tomorrow

i’d thought our spring would come.

i couldn’t have thought more wrong.

[viveveil]

how i wish {runon}

how i wish i were wrong how i wish just for once you'd show up out of the blue just because you were thinking about me and crawl over me and squeeze me and tell me not to worry, that everything is going to be alright and that you love me and that you want to be there for me and to protect me from the bad things or that you would wake up and call me to say you were thinking about me and wanted to have coffee and make love before we start the day i wish i didn't have this romantic imagination or the capacity to love another