bawled my fucking eyes out listening to REM how are y'all doing today

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bawled my fucking eyes out listening to REM how are y'all doing today
"yeah i don't foresee myself tiering wl3 lol. tiering wl is kinda ass and i kind of just don't feel like doing it"
— me, moments before getting hit with middle school rui lore from the left and my dream akito producer from the right in back to back wls
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Animation by @ bloocheaz on twt / insta!
you know as i'm thinking about it i have mixed feelings on the translation of one of sakaki's lines in rui5:
つまらないもの作るねえ——『カミシロくん』
You make some boring things, don't you, Kamishiro-kun?
in case you don't know, this was translated as follows in this English translation:
You've shown us something quite insipid, Kamishiro.
i feel like these kind of say the same thing and do actually convey a very similar tone—hell, my initial reaction to the latter was actually being MORE angry but i think that's because him using the word "insipid" makes him sound like such a smarmy, pretentious fucking BASTARD. but there's one thing that it takes away for me that i find mildly unfortunate: the shame.
what i mean is, when Sakaki says "You've shown us something quite insipid", that speaks more to the quality of the work. in retrospect, it's such an unhelpful fucking non-criticism because it doesn't really give Rui any direction on what to do, but I guess Sakaki was right when he said he shouldn't be teaching anyone, huh? anyway, you can still see how, in its vagueness, it led to his obsession and poor(er) self-care so it wasn't exactly a nicer thing to say than the original by ANY means and that's not what i intend to say.
but the original text—"You make some boring things, don't you, Kamishiro-kun?"—is an indictment on him as a creator. it says that beyond what Rui made being "boring" (blegh), Rui himself is categorically someone who makes "boring things". and yeah, the exercise was a 3 minute scene to get to know YOU as a director but for "you" to be someone who is in the category of "making boring things"? to say the least, that's a heavy weight. it goes beyond "the thing i made was a poor showing" (which it really fucking wasn't, given Tom Gray's reaction) into "i make things that are consistently poor showings" and that's such a gross thing to put in someone's head.
and speaking of Tom Gray, i love this guy even though he really needs to get some better fucking director friends >_> anyway it's because he actually SEES Rui's potential but gets the sense that he's holding himself back somehow. he cuts through Rui's shame—he isn't "someone who makes boring things", he's someone who makes wonderful things yet is held back from his fullest potential. and in fact i think if Rui had the wherewithal to ask Tom for advice sooner he wouldn't have spent most of this part of the workshop grinding himself into dust as he struggled for answers because of some vague-ass "you make boring things" """critique""".
that's all i have to say about that part of the translation but actually my final note is that the way Sakaki continues to say カミシロ in katakana even AFTER Backlight Lens Flare (Rui4) AND AFTER HE DEFINITELY RECOGNIZES RUI tells me that Rui was being mocked here. and then when Rui had finally, again, grinded himself near to dust and produced something incredible, THAT earned this fuckass POS's respect enough for him to use kanji. not worth it
randomly getting intensely interested in some bullshit like
"I'm sure the ending will be a good one."
the monster who was given a chance.
Lets all kill sakaki asap
mm finished the beat sheet for my fic... augh my brain hurts but i wanna write but my brain is not. doing the thing
ok i need to actually unironically talk about the blood pool thing because the blood pool is INSANELY funny but the point of it isn't that rui is going "i did this and now people think i'm weird! what the hell is up with that?!" in fact in like the next few seconds after mizuki talks about it he literally says "yeah when i was doing shit like that it's no wonder people thought i was weird lol that was crazy as hell". in fact the reason he even had mizuki give the anecdote in the first place is so he could go "yeah that guy was wild'n out lmfao".
edit: the blood pool incident is rui dyeing a pool red and floating an anatomical model in it sorry i forgot to give context lmfao
but like...rui did try to just be as polite and normal as he could possibly manage. for years. and when he did do weird things his thought process was "i am sharing my interest with others and being as safe as i possibly can about it. surely it will be fine" and then it wasn't and people actively started thinking that he wanted to hurt others with malicious intent and he STILL got ostracized.
the blood pool incident was, in essence, "alright you know what fine. i give. it's either suppress who i am harder or just do what i want as i damn well please. and i'm going to do as i damn well please because everyone thinks i'm a freak anyway so what's the point in hiding it". do you honestly think rui doesn't know that the blood pool thing was a weird thing to do? of course he did. and he could've definitely Not Done It because it's weird and crazy and would scare people...
...but he defaults to the assumption that he'll scare people or push them away no matter what he does, and people will assume malicious intent regardless, so who cares?
like yes the blood pool thing is objectively funny and i love him for doing it and also it is an incredibly important bit of characterization that supports what else we learn about him, which is that he put on a brave face about the idea that he was better off doing things alone in order to protect his heart, even when someone offered him an out. it is part of his way of telling himself "i don't care anymore" when it is so clearly not true. yes even something as batshit insane as rui DYEING A POOL RED AND PUTTING AN ANATOMICAL MODEL IN IT BECAUSE HE WAS LIKE "i like this idea let's fucking do it" is worth analyzing sorry chat
shipping is fun but unfortunately it does become amatonormativity simulator sometimes. yes it IS fun to think about that interaction in a romantic context! reinterpreting existing material in a new context is fun! no there is not simply "no platonic explanation" for this. and the thing is that it's incredibly difficult to tell when someone is being silly and when someone genuinely thinks that there is only a certain amount you can care for someone before it crosses into a threshold where it has to be romantic. that amount is limitless. the threshold does not exist. it is arbitrary. the line between "platonic" and "romantic" is a social construct and i am not kidding it is shaped purely by cultural norms. get less normal about meaningful platonic dynamics Now. if for NOTHING else then because it is not romance that makes them meaningful, it's the platonic relationships' inherent meaning that makes the possibility of romance interesting. but also just generally platonic relationships are not worth less than romantic ones please stop acting like they are
sincerely your friendly local aroace multishipper
embrace relationship anarchy btw
shipping is fun but unfortunately it does become amatonormativity simulator sometimes. yes it IS fun to think about that interaction in a romantic context! reinterpreting existing material in a new context is fun! no there is not simply "no platonic explanation" for this. and the thing is that it's incredibly difficult to tell when someone is being silly and when someone genuinely thinks that there is only a certain amount you can care for someone before it crosses into a threshold where it has to be romantic. that amount is limitless. the threshold does not exist. it is arbitrary. the line between "platonic" and "romantic" is a social construct and i am not kidding it is shaped purely by cultural norms. get less normal about meaningful platonic dynamics Now. if for NOTHING else then because it is not romance that makes them meaningful, it's the platonic relationships' inherent meaning that makes the possibility of romance interesting. but also just generally platonic relationships are not worth less than romantic ones please stop acting like they are
sincerely your friendly local aroace multishipper
see and they really had me giggling about the blood pool incident beforehand. like listen i know that it would be literally harrowing for anyone to come across but actually he was funny as fuck for that. what do you mean he dyed the pool bright red and put an anatomical model in it just bc the idea popped into his head and he had to try it. bro made an art installation at his school. i love him. does he know that. does he understand the degree to which i adore him. no bc he is not real but oh my god
he makes me ill. literally that one comic of the pink blob coming out of its box and getting punched and reinforcing its walls after btw.
he wouldn't even let the drama club president in after he tried to offer rui a way back in. and it's not that he didn't want to. he acknowledges that he did in the present day, because he wanted to make shows with others. but the director and scriptwriter's reactions reinforced his belief that he cannot be understood by "humans" as a "monster", and even when a "human" does genuinely care for him he can't let them back in after he's already been otherwise hurt. because eventually it'll sour. that's just how it goes for him. better to pull away and rely on things that can't reject you than to open yourself up and give someone all of you only for them to realize that all of you isn't what they wanted.
and of course he knows now that that was maladaptive and not in line with his true feelings. he was just scared and hurt and fucking exhausted and did what felt safest. and then in high school wonderlands×showtime took his hands as he took this massive risk, started his journey in a story that even now he isn't sure has a happily ending yet, and has remained steadfast the whole way. and he loves w×s. so so so dearly. not least of all because they pulled him out of a deeply lonely place that he didn't want or ask to be in but was terrified to hold out a hand to get out of.
god i fucking love kamishiro rui don't look at me
ok pinned is unpinned until i think of something to pin. in the meantime i made a rudimentary about me + a page to share some of my rui hcs that inform how i view and write him lol
need to update my pinned now but i'm lazyyyyyy and also it's like 1 am that's probably not helping the laziness actually
he is so fucking femmasc to me here for some reason (no this is not leaks)
genderfucked kamishiro rui means so much to me you don't understand. you cannot look me specifically in the eyes and tell me that his gender exists strictly within the binary in a way that will make me believe it
he is so fucking femmasc to me here for some reason (no this is not leaks)