There are a lot of lists on Tumblr for spotting a bad Dom (some of whom likely are narcs) and those lists are amazing! Follow them! This isn’t to replace those, but rather to add to them. This is what I’ve learned from my own experience and research. Please feel free to add to it. The more info out there the better. (FYI, while statistically there are more male narcs than female… there are PLENTY of female narcs. While I may use the male pronoun it should NOT imply that these things shouldn’t be looked for in women also)
1. The first thing I watch for are unwarranted compliments. A narc knows the right thing to say to draw someone in. However they don’t put thoughts into those words. So if a man says “You’re so intelligent.” and he hasn’t known you long enough or well enough to make a legitimate judgement on your intelligence… beware. If you’re uncertain still, ask why he thinks that. Listen to your body and your instincts as much as you do his answer. “I can just tell.” is not an acceptable answer. RUN!! If he has a good answer, but you feel on edge… run. Analyze it later, but trust your instincts in the moment. What you’re looking for is a real life example. Maybe you didn’t think he could know how smart you are, but his answer is something about your vocabulary or a topic you briefly mentioned. That is warranted and so far so good.
2. When a man calls his ex crazy, it should be a red flag. Sometimes.. there really is a legitimate crazy ex, but pay attention. If every ex was crazy and or cheated, or if his parents are also crazy… a narc declares just about everyone who doesn’t fall in line for them, crazy. A narc rarely has anyone that they are very close to. If all his friends seem to be more acquaintances that can be a red flag. However you should also be aware of the flying monkeys. These are people currently being fooled by the narc. They often will do their bidding. Spreading their lies, (Often without realizing they are lies) boosting their ego, catering to their whims. Narcs are often very charming and people often want to do things for them. So there will likely be people in their life. It’s the claim that everyone they seem to have had a falling out with is crazy, and the fallout was entirely the other person’s fault. (Saying all his ex’s have cheated is another version of this that should be noted)
3. Blame shifting. When everything is someone else’s fault.. huge red flag. Sometimes a person really can fall on hard times. Sometimes things happen to us that are legitimately out of our control. But if he didn’t finish college because of his parents, and he didn’t get that last promotion because Joe is a brown noser, and he would be a millionaire if he had sued the one guy who had done him wrong, and he doesn’t have credit because of his parents, and he would own his own home if his grandma didn’t screw him out of his inheritance… (I’ve heard most of these verbatim… from the same person) Any one or 2 of these can be legit. (some more so than others) It’s when there is an overwhelming amount that you should turn tail and run. When he has given a list like this and not accepted any real responsibility for any of it, run fast and far.
4. Arrogance. There is a difference between being confident and being conceited. This, or lack of this, should be viewed carefully though. Not all narcs are the same. There is the Hollywood version (which while a tad extreme is very real) which is overt, but there are also covert narcs. Those 2 categories have sub categories and it does tend to be a spectrum. So while arrogance can be easy to spot and set off warning bells, also look for the extreme opposite. Again.. look for the extreme. Someone so incredibly humble it seems unbelievable. These are things to look for in the early stages of getting to know someone, but it is possible to still miss this one, since it is a spectrum thing. It falls back to trust your gut and look for any other red flag to go with it.
5. How they treat others. Again this can go both ways. Look for the intention behind the action. A guy who treats the waitress like dirt should be obvious. That is on lots of lists out there. The covert narc will treat her amazing though. A huge tip, offers to help her if he can, go out of his way to be nice… seems great right. If he is doing this because that’s the kind of guy he is.. that’s amazing and awesome. All kinds of wonderful. If he is doing this because he wants the brownie points and gets all giddy at the attention you give over it. Warning bell. If you think about it, you’ll realize he’s trying a little too hard to come across as sincere and genuine.
6. Say no to something and see how he responds. Don’t give a reason, don’t be timid or overly bold.. just a simple no. Narcs typically do not like no and will often posture. If he seems to either go on the defensive or offensive beware. A common tactic they use in this case is manipulation. They may say something to tug at your heart strings, or make you feel guilty or wrong for the no. If you say no and it is anything but honored… RUN!!!! Not even kidding.. RUN!
7. If they seem to have a long stream of short term jobs, this can be a red flag. You’ll have to make a judgement call depending on the career and what else you’re seeing, but if he can’t stay anywhere longer than a year, it’s a sign there could be a problem. Listen to the reason why he is job hopping. What you don’t want to hear is everyone is crazy and did them wrong. A better answer was, I intended to stay at this job, but then had an amazing offer elsewhere. Took the job not realizing what a nightmare the commute would be. I wouldn’t have left, but Mom was sick and I needed to relocate so I could help her after her heart attack. If there is a crazy person at a job or 2 interweaved in there it isn’t a big deal. We’ve all had crazy co-workers.
8. Entitlement. There are things we all deserve. We are all entitled to be treated as human beings. We are entitled to have our boundaries respected. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness right? We are not entitled to cars, homes, money, a certain lifestyle etc. Those things are earned. You go out, you work hard and there is a payoff for the hard work you do. Life can hammer us sometimes, but no one is entitled to a boat or a motorcycle. You’re parents don’t owe you a car. If they bought your brother one, it may be unfair, but that still doesn’t equal entitlement. If it seems like everyone owes him something.. big red flag.
9. Excuses. This goes hand in hand with a few of the others, but I thought it should be separate. A narc has an excuse for EVERYTHING. No amount of fact or proof will deter them from their version of reality. Some of the excuses I heard from my ex husband would make your head spin. If you try to offer a little advice and no matter how you try to problem solve with them, there is an excuse that won’t work. Be very leery. Some things in our lives can’t be helped, but if you’re giving solid advice and it feels like nothing you say matters… look for the other signs to go with it.
10. How you feel when in their presence. If you find yourself feeling insecure and unsure of yourself, those aren’t butterflies. That’s your gut instinct saying something isn’t right. If it feels like, he is so smart, and you wonder if you can keep up with his intelligence, that is a bad sign. Some people legitimately are smarter than others, so look for other ways you’re questioning yourself. Also, people who are intelligent, don’t need to make others feel less intelligent. It’s easy to think that issue must be with us. But pay attention to what exactly is giving you that feeling. They can be very subtle in tearing others down. Narcs have a way of making others feel in awe of them. Not every inspiring person is a narc, but again.. go with your gut.
11. Emotional vampire. Have you ever been around someone and as soon as they are gone you always feel exhausted? Narcs are exhausting. They soak up the energy in a room. If you’ve been in someone’s presence 3 times, and all 3 times you’ve left feeling drained. That’s a bad sign.
12. The conversation always winds up back on them and what they want. You’ll see on many lists to look for someone who always steers the conversation back to sex. That is a red flag, but I’m going to take it a little further. If they only seem to allow you an opportunity to talk because that’s expected, but quickly turn back to themselves. Even if it isn’t about sex, that is a red flag. We all share our experiences when getting to know someone. Others can’t learn about us if we aren’t talking about ourselves. Most people will also ask questions about others though. What things do you like? Why are you passionate about that? How did you get into that? There should be normal give and take in a conversation.
I could probably write more, this is an important topic to me and something I think should be discussed at great length. The more awareness, the easier it is to stay safe. Not every narc is violent, but they are all abusive.
This is something ongoing for me. I am continuing to learn and grow. I am by no means an expert, and I still struggle at times with applying this. Mostly I struggle with second guessing myself, but I have learned to go with my gut in the moment. It’s important to analyze later, it will help you strengthen the skills, and typing out this list is another tool I’m using. If you are currently in a relationship with a narc.. there is no changing him. Things will not get better. There is no pill he can take that is going to make him want to not be an asshole. By whatever means necessary leave. If that means a homeless shelter and government assistance, do it and don’t think twice. You are precious and deserve to be treated like a human being. You are not crazy. (If you are it’s reaction based) It is not in your head, you are stronger than you realize and you will never regret the peace you find when it is finally over. (I know you are stronger than you realize, because you have survived)
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