smol update on my life, im not sure why.. been so long since here, but sometimes i sit worried wondering how ppl i love but lost contact with are doing, always have this fear one day i’ll just never hear from some people again....
aaaanyway. Update. So i have been called several things several more times than expected, ppl say i have a mom like personality, and wow the amount of kinky i could get into surprised even me, specially with how much love and care is in it.
Had gone through some pretty fucking awful times, me and two people i loved dearly and a friend spent months, maybe an year, in a sort of codependent hurricane of bad, we all suffered from really bad suicidal ideation, depression... it was a shitshow, but, still there was good moments, reasons why i loved them so much, and i knew they could get past it.... i used to not try to hope i would, id say id be happy enough if the two of them ended up happy, even if i died. Of course they said the same thing to themselves... At some point i scared ppl too much and i was put into suicide watch. Psych obviously saw i was codependent, and it was either limiting my time being able to interact with them severely, or being put on the psychiatric hospital against my will. That time was not good. Had kinda put all the responsibility of their betterment onto me, but during a little bit i was actually in more immediate danger, so they were the ones worried over me... And, well, more complicated things happened, lots of them, i’m so glad we’ve all survived that....
It’d be a while before i learned something i had always seen wrong about empathy. i always valued it a lot... several times id try to define myself through it, and in some ways that hasn’t changed. But.. i had to learn that i could be there for others, help them, sympathize with them, but i shouldn’t forget that they’re them, and i’m me. Ever heard of vicarious trauma? i wouldn’t believe it was a thing a lot... i’d think it was me being selfish, trying to turn others’ traumas about me... But, had same symptoms as trauma, having a word or a situation reminding me of certain things, id feel it immediately, at best a headache, somethings id be scared and panicked, and also things going over and over in my head, unable to leave, showing up in nightmares, also drive to retraumatisation, etc etc. It.. really sucked. It came from, when learning and attempting to help those i love, who had suffered from some really bad things, i didn’t allow myself to feel better than them, in my head id have to be just as miserable, since they didn’t deserve to be miserable, why should i get something better? So yeah, it was some kind of martyr complex, depression telling me i was an awful person often, and me trying to prove it wrong but the bar was beyond what my brain could withstand. i had to learn to put the O2 mask on myself before the next, i can’t help people if i harm myself while doing it.
Ok that was a bit much... but.. good news!! We’ve met some amazing ppl lately, and our family is bigger. There’s.. this person who i feel about what id never expect id feel about anyone. Not at first though, it was real cliche how a misunderstanding, (and admittedly me not being the best, or smartest) caused me to kinda hate his guts really fucking hard for a bit. But like, i really dunno how id describe it, person i believe understands what i truly care about the most, and cared just as much if not more. We’re very oddly similar in some things, very very opposed in others, but even when i just can’t agree with him, we say arguments, debate points, and it’s just never destructive, it’s constructive. Of course, i had to learn a bit to get to there though, since, although ive always longed for being able to talk like that, he was some steps ahead of me when it came to having a personal method to do so. Oh, yeah, he is also a lot more intelligent than me, which really pushes me to become more intelligent myself every single day. My drive for self betterment has been better than ever in my life, i always did see i got better at things when there was someone who i wanted to see me succeed, but.. well, will just say it has been incredibly good for me
Oh and he’s so kinky!! It’s interesting, he doesn't even get horny that much, but he believes sex should be something way wayyyyy less taboo than it is in our society. Which, yes i totally agree with. Honestly though, some of the vicarious trauma stuff i said earlier, i thought there was somethings id never be able to see untainted again, some ways to express sexuality that would always remind me of certain horrible feelings, and im so happy i was proven wrong.
Think i got ahead of myself a bit. I was saying how our family had gotten bigger. Well, the person i was just kinda fangirling about? He’s kinda the reason it did. Him and one of the people i loved met, and then both of them, and them they both were kinda into him a lot (that scared the shit outta me ngl XD), and there were people who already had met him, and people who both groups met mutually in this videogame modding community. My guess is that he has seen how so many servers you can end up meeting awesome ppl but also there are those who kinda try and play politics within, and how it was hard to actually keep these friendships along the time, and so he made a server for those friendships, and it slowly became a family. Gosh.. i could fangirl over each person in the castle for a long time...( oh yeah, server we call castle cuz he is into some medieval fantasy shit, which if you know me you’ll know that shit is my jam (like, fuck being called princess is still something that will get to my heart (although, usually nowadays i get more ‘slut’ or ‘queen’, not much in between XD ))) but one of the things ive learned is how to be more productive with my day, and like, i see now how long i’ve spent on what was supposed to be a very quick update. Seriously, that ‘smol’ up there was a liar. i’ll just say i love them a fucking hell of a lot, they’re snuggly, kind, smart, lovely people. And we all go through some shitty times still, being stronger doesn’t make us invulnerable, but we will support each other, and always get better at doing so. Sometimes it’s overwhelming.. and i get scared First time in a long time... actually, since ever, except when i was too young to understand anything, where i can actually see any future i can be a part of.
It’s funny, when i was actually a kid, what id imagine wasn’t too far from this, just well, i believed it was too fantastical to be real. (Although, id never foreseen, for several reasons, that it’d include me being a part of a harem XD which yes we lovingly call some of what we have a harem since most ppl are subby and he’s dommy, even when it’s not sexual CX)
TL;DR: i’m determined and more happy with where i am in life than i thought id get to be! Through good and bad waves, i may cry and fear, but as long as i carry with me the people i love in my heart, and i try to improve at every step, i know i can keep walking. And.. i do try to keep in my heart everyone who’s been important to me, even if i dont see them anymore.
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