Vote Guy: CCB Women's Worker 2014

Women be precious, complex and totes confusing sometimes which is why churches be employing people to deal with them. Like gardeners or lion tamers. Although it's not a democracy, Guy wants your vote to turn the CCB ladies from Proverbs 21 women to Proverbs 31 women. So vote for Guy because he's got mad respect for all of the womens.

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

When Suits Become a Stumbling Block: A Plea to My Brothers in Christ

"I struggle with lusting after men in suits. I want to be brutally honest about this struggle."

This article speaks so much truth into a world of untruths and kind-of truths and it’s important for men everywhere to understand how difficult it is for women to remain pure and righteous and encourage them in that battle.

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

THE TIME IS NOW

LOYAL FOLLOWERS AND FANS AND SOCIAL-JUSTICE WARRIORS, CCB IS NOW HIRING A NEW WOMEN’S WORKER:

NOW IS THE TIME TO VOTE 4 GUY (I THINK).

BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE, LET YOUR VOICE BE HEARD. HERE ARE ALL THE STEPS YOU CAN FOLLOW TO MAKE A LITTLE BOY’S DREAM A REALITY OF BEING THE GREATEST WOMEN’S WORKER THE CHURCH HAS EVER SEEN.

THIS IS WHY GUY’S RUNNING AND THIS IS WHAT OTHER WOMEN’S WORKERS THINK OF GUY (HINT: EVERYBODY LOVES HIM, OBVS) AND THIS IS HOW TO ASK GUY A QUESTION*.

* REQUIRES A TUMBLR ACCOUNT AND A FIRST EDITION COPY OF GUY LOGAN: THE AUDACITY OF HOPE, AVAILABLE AT AMAZON OR FREE WITH YOUR FIRST PURCHASE OF HELLO FRESH, PROUD SPONSOR OF BALHAM HOUSEWIVES. 

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

If a Lady of CCB is approached by an unknown gentleman at the bar at #pubchurch and he offers to pay for her Diet Coke, how should she respond?

Thanks for your question, backstothewall! Here's what the top candidate had to say about all that!

Arguably the most important aspect of this conundrum is whether or not the unknown gentleman knows it's Diet Coke.

If he does, all bets are off. He knows that you're self-conscious and worried about your looks but still a sweet-tooth who lacks will-power or self-control. And he will judge you because of that, especially as you've now made him an accomplice in your sin.

But if he just thinks it's a Coke, that's fine. Take his money - you only earn 77p to his £1. If he's part of the establishment then he's part of the problem.

Just be sure to pray for him afterwards. "Love your oppressor" or something.

#feminism #freedrinks

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

#sotrue

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

London Women's Convention - Three Weeks to Go!

I know, I'm excited too. 

Despite a wholesale ban on male women's workers, there's still a lot to look forward to with this year's women's convention.

Take a look at the trailer:

~~~

First off, I love wedding dresses, so this trailer has me hooked from the get go.

Then somebody throws some paint at the dress and we're all like, "Bangarang!".

Then more people throw paint at the dress and it's hilarious and then all the paint comes off but then someone squirts a bit more paint on them at the end and that's the trailer.

I'm not great at symbolism so muting the trailer to listen to the Mockingjay soundtrack was probably a bad idea, but I'm pretty sure there's going to be a painting expo or experimental art piece at the convention this year. And everyone knows chicks dig painting and feelings and stuff.

Plus if you're a fan of women then they'll be there too.

Plus talks from experts on singleness and teenagers and sex (lol).

All in all, I wish I wasn't banned from the LWC2014. Please print out my flyer and distribute it when you attend the conference and help get me back in there for 2015.

[just-girlythingss]

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

#sotrue

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

CCB People's Breakfast? Are we Communists now or something?

Thanks for your question! Here’s your answer from the boss man himself:

"I, too, was shocked to hear of the recent changes to scrap the biannual Women’s Breakfast and Men’s Breakfast, merging them into a hodgepodge of confusion and hormones.

This was clearly a victory for the PC crowd and Cornish secessionists everywhere. It pains me to the very core. #thanksobama

Being 110% male, I can say with all confidence that women’s breakfasts are wholly better without men. This is because:

Women love fruit and yoghurt and muesli. Men love bacon and fried bread.

Women love to apply the Bible to feminine issues like Country Living subscriptions and hating Robin Thicke. Men love to apply the Bible to bacon and fried bread.

So I vow that as CCB’s women’s worker in 2015, I will fight to ban men from Co-Gender Breakfasts. Then women will be free to ask questions about idolosing Taylor Swift, and whether that’s such a bad thing, without fear of bullying.”

Do you have a question for the candidate? Submit one today!

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

#changeiscoming

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

The Pantomime Horse: An Under-appreciated Metaphor

I've often said that the Pantomime Horse is a perfect metaphor for marriage. And also the friendship between bride and bridesmaid. And probably politics too. 

And now I've discovered there's a long article from some Welsh chap about Pantomime Horses. I've not read beyond the title, but I'm 90% sure he's agreeing with me.

So without further adieu ado:

Skinning the Pantomime Horse: Two Cases on Limited Liability by Dafydd Jenkins, Reader in Law, University College of Wales, Aberystwyth

Next time you vote for a women's worker at your church, think carefully - would I trust them in a pantomime horse costume?

[just-girlythingss]

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

Schedule for Sunday 7th September

Prayer breakfast with fruit salad (served in bacon bowls because I’m a man)

Morning tea to gain endorsement from the Queen. Hopefully she notices me outside the gates or this could backfire and I’ll look desperate.

Lunch with staffers to discuss polling numbers with women and old people.

Afternoon tea with the Archbishop of Canterbury (clothing company, not to be confused with small English city), to get his endorsement.

Church at The Bedford Pub. Encourage the women not to stare at the gentlemen who were part of the wrestling expo on next door (no, seriously)

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

Stop Obsessing About the Proverbs 31 Woman

Click here to read story

If you can't read, click here to have it read to you 

#helpfulthingsforthewomen

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.

Barack Obama

[just-girlythingss]

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

#changeiscoming 

[reneetjeeeeee]

[voteguy4ccbwomensworker]

How good are you at killing mice?

Thanks for your question, backstothewall! Here’s your answer from the top dog himself:

I want to be clear how indebted I am to courageous fans like backstothewall. Her passion for bravery and integrity are values hugely appreciated by women everywhere. Because they’re women.

Although I’ve never actually seen a mouse up close, I can assure you that as CCB women’s worker I would spend no more than four minutes freaking out about what food items it has walked on before acting ethically and humanely to remove the mouse with a shovel.