What the hell is Water?

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has." Hi! I'm Viev. This is my blog. 

[vvievv]

honestly, i wish i had never met you. our relationship gave me a screwed up view of love and commitment at an incredibly young age. you cheated on me and treated me like i had to earn your attention and compete with other people, and then played it off like it was healthy and expected. i have suffered in toxic relationships with disloyal partners for years because of what you taught me was normal, and am only just now starting to undo the damage, at 24. fuck you. i deserved better.

Yeah. You did.

I’m sorry.

It’s strange. My dad always told me that it’s best to make mistakes when you’re young. The consequences aren’t usually as large as they are when you get older. But when we’re teenagers, we’re prone to making the worst kind of mistakes, and a lot of the people we affect are going through their formative years. Some of those mistakes become permanent carvings; trauma, neuroses, misguided thoughts that become deeply held beliefs. Some shitty kid’s fuck-ups become the reason we go through hell. 

I’m sorry I was that shitty kid. Shitty person, actually. I don’t think I should divorce my adult self from the things I did at that age. This apology gives you nothing and probably means nothing to you, but if I could do it all again, I wouldn’t hurt you that way. 

Actually, if I could do it all again, I’d probably do you the favor of never meeting me. You’re probably right. You were better off without me. 

I deeply hope you’re able to move past it. Not because it would absolve me, it wouldn’t, but because I believe you deserve to be happy despite all of that shit you went through. It’s hard to work through pain that way, unwind ourselves so we stop perpetuating unhealthy patterns, but if you’re here, it means you’ve made progress. You can do it. Don’t ever think for a moment you can’t. 

I’m sorry. 

[vvievv]

I haven’t checked your twitter in a little while

Wish I could just get over you, but that’s not my style

Makes me feel like a quitter, cuz I’m just in denial

Fucking nine months later and I still want to dial

I just, I thought, I must, I sought, I’m too...caught up in my feelings to do any real dealings in this spieling

I can’t talk about how much I believed we’d be forever

I can’t admit how much i broke when i realized we’d never

Be together again, not ever lovers, not even friends

I can’t talk about all the messages I want to send

I didn’t have it in me to imagine how we’d end

So when it happened, my whole life seemed to upend

I lost a lot that day, but you were all that mattered

I know it was the same for you, but my heart was shattered

Knowing doesn’t help. Actually, it almost makes it worse

Feelings never on the shelf. It still makes me feel like dirt

Because it was my fault, right? All those arguments, all those fights

I think I was wrong on every one. Ain’t that a sight

But I was so stubborn, battling, late nights

I desperately wish I could go back in time

Probably not to fix it. Just to experience when you were mine

I believe for one reason or another, I’d have to leave it all behind

Even if I didn’t make the same mistakes. Even if I wasn’t unkind

I guess I think that nothing that good ever lasts.

Stuff like that ends up being a chapter of my past.

Something to look back on fondly. Living free, dying fast

I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry I want to die

And I know that’s more of my bullshit, I don’t mean to tie

My own issues to this apology, or whatever this is

Nah, let’s admit it, it’s for me, not for any hers or any his

Normally with my poetry, i just keep writing till I feel I can stop

But with this, the feeling never goes away, so I end up writing a lot

Fuck, when will this feeling go away, when’ll it be over?

I’m still reeling from the events of those days, like time has been stole or

Like time hasn’t passed, like it was just yesterday

Like it’s happening all over again and I ain’t got shit to say

Like my fuck ups are all that I am, and I’ve got hell to pay

Certainly feels like I’m there, in an empty, void of gray

I just don’t know how to deal, with my emotions, with any of this

I’m stuck, for real, slow motion, and I can’t do shit

There’s no process, no coping, no closure

Despite all this, despite us knowing things, despite the overt

Request not to have contact.

Yeah, I’ll follow it, like a pact.

But holy shit, I am dying

I honestly wish I could be crying

At least that way there’d be no denying

How hurt I am, still am, that you stopped trying

I don’t blame you. I’m just...hurt. *sighing*

Anyway, I hope you’re happy

No, I’m not just saying it to be snappy

I genuinely wish you happiness.

At least one of us can find it, unless

This feeling goes away. We’ll see.

I’m still waiting. Waiting, for the day I’ll feel free.

[vvievv]

Just once, I’d like to be real

No smoke and mirrors, no deception, no fake feels

A stroke of perfection, a beautiful exception,

Exactly what it says on the tin

I want someone to open me up and find more than a thin, slim, finished collection of sins

Find more than a blank, empty stare

Find more than rank, tempting wisps of air

Find more to thank than the nothingness that’s there

I want to be real.

I want tears and love, searing pain and a touch above,

I want to hear that I’m enough.

More than enough, more than tough stuff, more than off the cuff, fuck, I want to make someone else feel awestruck

To be a rock, to be a soothing presence

A safety lock, I want my essence to be

Something good, for somebody else

Something more than these feelings I’ve felt

Something present, someone there

Something consistent, like I’ll always care

I want to be real.

But a wish isn’t reality

I’m finished pretending at sanity

This all might be vanity,

But fuck, I hope that’s not all there is to see

Within me.

[vvievv]

your face glows with the light of the moon

your heartbeat goes with the plight of the truth

your beauty destroys your foes when they get sight of you

your acuity knows the fight within what you do

I admire you, too

this letter is from someone you knew

someone with too few courage to speak to you

but please know, your existence brings strength to the many and the few.

[vvievv]

This what I get for trusting you, I guess

The primary suspect for fermenting a sect of myself that’s blessed, and yet

You shed what you said and fled from me,

Snipped the thread, it’s dead to me

I can’t even blame you for fleeing the scene, because I’m obscene, yeah frightening

My self-loathing supports that story, yeah, I’m shitty, yeah, I’m boring

So, you’re flooring it, dipping, slamming the door and shit, flipping, gone from adoring to slitting

Ugh, i’m sorry, I don’t mean to make it about none of this fitting, nothing but sitting on couch, laying in bed, stand in my head, can’t help but fall in my self, failing myself, lacking emotional health, skating the rails, I’m barely safe from the hail, hurt and in jail, enlarging my shell, and well, stopping this hell, blocking my mail, put up the wall, stay in my stall, see you in fall, i’m gone from it all, and one last thing: yeah, Fuck Y’all  

Be still, my beating heart

Nono, it’s panic, don’t you even start

This shit not copacetic, it’s septic, poisoned, infected

This stress this, this depression this, this expression of lessons for intrapersonal freshman this, excession of sessions of hatred, obsession it’s

Consuming my soul, subsuming the heavy life toll, a malignant troll, it’s

cold.

[vvievv]

Regret.

That’s what I truly feel.

Usually I don’t. Usually, I can remember the good things. Laughing together, talking, connecting. The whole thing being a pleasant surprise. No, I can still remember the good things. I just don’t think that it was worth it, anymore.

This is the worst. Being lied to, being lied about, feeling suicidal and like a whole structure has collapsed from the apparent vindictiveness of just a few people. It wasn’t worth this. It was good, amazing even, but it wasn’t worth this.

[vvievv]

In response to your (latest?) post: You do matter. It is imortant that you exist and I believe you can change the world, friend.

Thank you. This means a lot to me.

[vvievv]

This has to be amongst the worst I’ve ever felt.

Something my psychiatrist told me was that I’m emotionally underdeveloped in certain ways, but I use my head in order to compensate for it and almost smoothly work around it.

I think I took it as a compliment at the time, although it worried me that I didn’t quite get at what he was saying. I thought I understood people just fine.

Too often, when i’m making decisions, i see it as picking options and weighing odds. Playing with dice. Seeing chances. Even when I’m talking or interacting with people.

I never seem to consider the worst case scenario for the other person. Well, not never. I consider it in situations when they’re given a choice, but not for situations when they’re not. When the initial action or sentence might bother them or make them uncomfortable. I think it “probably” won’t. I’ll “likely” be fine. The risks get greater, the odds of hurting someone get larger still, over and over, especially if I’m “feeling lucky” It’s because I’m totally removed from that discomfort. It’s for a lot of reasons, but a lot of it has to do with the dissociation. I can’t imagine feeling that way because I don’t feel it, nearly ever. I want x so person must also want x. it’s the oldest human misconception in the book, a sort of projection, a sort of lack of imagination.

A sort of lack of consideration. 

I just want to go more slowly. It’s possible that I’m missing some innate thing. The thought of that makes me want to cry, I think I’ve come to largely accept the many disadvantages that life has decided to hand me with its ever many playing cards, but discovering new ones, hidden ones that have always been there, undercutting, making things harder, allowing me to hurt people and myself, it’s never pretty.

I’m hurting a lot. I just want to be better.

A better person, not feel better. Although, feeling better would be kinda nice, too.

[vvievv]

I decide what matters.

[vvievv]

So I don’t forget.

I need to orient my psyche properly to my circumstances and how much control I actually do have over them. I need to make better choices about who I do and do not allow to be close to me in my life, who I reach out to and who I help, and for what. I just need to be more careful. All of this, xxxx, xxxxx, the shitty things I did while partying, it was borne from recklessness and ignoring my own well founded, valid anxieties. I should listen to myself when I sense that I shouldn't do something. I can get to those places, eventually. But it's a lot of change. I've been reckless since I was a teenager. Maybe even since I was a little kid. More than anything else, I have to make choices that come from valuing myself. At least as much as I value my ideas and how I value the way I want to live my life. There needs to be balance. I don't think it's healthy to put one wholly above another.

[vvievv]

I’m back.

Hopefully not for long.

I just have to write down some thoughts I’ve been having, I guess.

My beliefs are running into my limits as a human being.

And make no mistake, I do have limits.

(I’m talking to myself, not you.)

I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to change my beliefs, but accepting that I am human and have flaws and limits and things i’m not able to do in the face of what i believe in is difficult for me to accept. It makes me feel wrong. Like a fraud or like i’m inauthentic. 

Obviously, I’m not very fair to myself.

But then again, neither is the rest of the world.

I think all that is important is that is I try.

But for right now, I’m done trying.

I’m tired. I need to rest.

[vvievv]

I think I’ve figured out my own problem.

Essentially, I’ve given up on my own life. 

For a long time now, I’ve been concerned significantly more with the idea of saving the world, not even in my own generation but in the next, than I have with the idea of living. 

A lot of my life up to this point has been rejection: Rejection of the monetary and resource system, rejection of nesting, rejection of cultural norms and constructs, including that of the mind, that of gender, relationships, etc.  It’s just perpetual disagreement. Counterculture, acts against authority, contrarianism, etc.  But if you keep doing that forever, what are you left with?

Sometimes, I replace it with something. Genderfluidity, polyamory, stuff I feel infinitely comfortable in or comfortable exploring. But there are other things, the existence of society as it stands, the long term implications of the direction of my relationship(s), my actual long term goals... Sure, I don’t want a house and two point five kids and a picket fence, but what do I want? I want to save the world. I’ve never thought about what a life for me might look like after i succeeded in saving it. I’ve never thought about what success would look like. 

So participation is impossible. I force myself to watch what is an increasing crescendo of what amounts to a slow moving trainwreck, surely speeding up in its own implosion, and tell myself that one day, maybe not soon but one day, I will do something. Meanwhile, I do nothing for myself. I don’t matter. I might as well not exist. 

[vvievv]

I am quietly distressed.

Stressed Rarely do I feel oppressed By my own mental duress And yet, I can press Against the depression fest  that is my exisence

[vvievv]

Why do I play Smash?

For fun.

I should play smash when it’s fun.

I don’t think I need it to know I can do other things. I know I can do it. I just have to believe. 

but you know, I wanna be good, too. I wanna do the research and improve and see that payoff. That stuff is fun, too. So I’ll do it. I won’t be afraid of being bad or not liking it or whatever. I’ll just do it. 

And I’ll do it with a smile :) 

[vvievv]

Btw

Spent about 6 minutes on tumblr before I remembered why I don’t go on tumblr anymore. Assuming I keep using this website as a blog, I’ll probably unfollow literally everyone and start over, or follow no one. 

I’m pretty over trying to be right on the internet. I don’t think that’s a good type of creation.

[vvievv]

Why am I doing the things that I am doing?

What drives me? What motivates me? 

For some time now, I’ve lived in perpetual fear of these questions, for I had not an answer to them. 

I shall attempt to answer them, tonight.

Bear with me.

I am Viev. As I’m sure any human being my age could and probably would say, a lot of time and hard work has been put into putting myself where I am today. In short, I’ve become a person who believes they can do anything. However, at some point, all of the things I believed I could do, I believed I could do at a price. A sacrifice, in a way of energy or effort, faith or time, things I became not willing to expend or give up.

So I did nothing.

Little did I know that doing nothing is infinitely worse than doing something badly. A lot of things led me down this path. Fear of doing things badly, fear of believing myself worthless because of my inability to do things well. Little did I know that I’d come to the conclusion of worthlessness from doing nothing as well. 

Better a life lived terribly than not lived at all. I do believe that, even if i haven’t been living it.

So it’s time for a change. 

I’d like to do things again.

What would I like to do? 

Let me think about that.

...

The way I see it, there are two ways to spend my time on this earth. Consumption and creation. These two things are simple and don’t need explaining, but what may need explaining is that both of these things are valuable. Consuming something worthwhile is an experience that brings fulfillment in life, and creating something, even if it isn’t worthwhile, can still bring fulfillment in life. Both are not permanent or immortal. Not necessarily sacred, although it can be seen as such. They are transient, such is life. That doesn’t mean they are to be avoided. It’s life. Music, food, people, relationships, videos, video games, all of it is life. Ideas most of all. Ideas. Ideas. Ideas. 

I want to do both of these things. I daresay that the details don’t matter. So long as I’m living. I want to live.

I want to live. 

I want to live.

[vvievv]

What kind of person do I want to be.

....I think I already know. I just have to do it.