BREAKING: IT’S A NEW DAY. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR MINIONS ARE?
Hooligans, ne’er-do-wells and malcontents across Eorzea gathered in Limsa Lominsa - go figure - to make a scene both unforgettable and completely asinine. Dying their hair outlandish colors, wearing childish masks and referring to themselves as “Bone Team”, they gathered a crowd with their absurd antics.
The crowd, however, learned all too late the truth: this gang of charlatans’ true goal is nothing less than the theft of every minion in all Eorzea. The cutpurses carried off cactuar cuttings, assaulted ahrimanes, and even waylaid wind-up Nanamos! These dastardly fiends cannot be allowed to continue their reign of terror!
…Is what we would be telling you, if Limsa Lominsa weren’t already a lawless nightmare. However, they threaten to come to Ul’dah if left unchecked. Ul’dah’s very own criminology expert, the oft-lauded Professor Caelum, is an expert often called in by the Brass Blades to solve the most difficult of crimes, and the good professor has offered an unorthodox solution that the Blades are currently pursuing. The Brass Blades are now seeking, at this very moment, prime candidates to bring down this gang of miscreants and thieves. Specifically, the call to arms is for young men or women between the ages of nine and twelve who are decked out with their own armies of minions. The authorities assure us it will only take one, and are establishing training camps in settlements across Eorzea to ensure whichever youth makes it through is ready to defeat the gang.
May the Twelve preserve us, else we are all left bereft of minions to call our own.
Written by minion enthusiast Mountain Dew
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