The Crucible

The official site for Ul'dah's most-beloved, respected and honest tabloid: The Crucible. To contact us directly, you can use any of the methods below this description (Twitter, Tumblr or Email). http://www.thecrucibleffxiv.com/

[sasha-rochester]

LF RP - Sasha Rochester

The Basics ––– –

Age: 29

Race: Midlander Hyur

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Bisexual, clear preference for men due to some experiences.

Marital Status: Single

Physical Appearance ––– –

Hair: Brown, slowly fades to white.

Eyes: Green

Height: 5′7″

Build: Currently slightly underweight and physically weak.

Distinguishing Marks: A white aetherial marking on her left temple, hair always has white ends.

Personal ––– –

Profession: Independent Researcher

Hobbies: Drinking, Reading, Finding new forms of magic to incorporate into her daily lfe, travelling.

Residence: Ul'dah, but travels very often.

Birthplace: Ul'dah

Religion: The Twelve, albeit extremely loosely and only to fullfill her own ends.

Patron Deity: Azeyma

Fears: Never meeting her own standards, commitment, boredom Character Alignment: Neutral Evil/True Neutral depending on DnD system.

Character Traits

Traits ––– -

* Bold your character’s answer.

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between / Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal/ In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

Additional information ––– –

Smoking Habit: N/A Drugs: Yes. Alcohol: Yes. 

RP Hooks ––– –

This character was in prision for around five years over a "fallacious, asinine" charge (According to her). Those years were spent in a "correction facility" for more promising researchers in Sharlayan.

Her grandmother (and late father) are Sharlayan natives. Her grandmother is a former forum member, desperately clinging to her glory in the past.

This character is based in Ul'dah, but due to her conditional release, she is often found travelling to fuel her own research on aetherial constructs.

This character was formerly involved in the criminal underground, often hiring people to do her dirty work. While she claims she "no longer involves herself in such activities", she very much does, and generally bounces off other criminals quite well.

This character used to be heavily involved in high society, and while her time spent in prision a correctional facility heavily put a damper on that, she certainly will try to get back to 'her old life'.

Fellow researchers on aetherial phenomena are welcome, especially if their research pertrains to more... Divisive forms of magic.

Contact Information  ––– –

Discord: Sashazaurus Tumblr: sasha-rochester In game: Sasha Rochester, Balmung Server, Crystal Datacenter

I'm trying to find RP linkshells/communities since I've been back, so any pointers would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for your time!

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Additional hooks: Vampire.

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Black Rose: A Scent to Die For.

a gif by @kazexvoss

An ad for this article.

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BLACK ROSE: THE SCENT OF CHANGE!

Ladies, do you suck? Not in the good way, like a miqo’te, but in the bad way, like a lalafell? Tired of losing all the good ass and dick to those viera skanks at the Quicksand? Well get off your knees and jump for joy because your prayers have been answered. It’s the latest in high fashion, the light and airy scent sweeping the realm: behold the Black Rose!

Let’s face it: your life is a sad joke. Nobody really likes you, they’re just saying they do. Your family, those that aren’t dead yet, view you as a pathetic dead weight no matter how hard you try or how much you contribute. Isn’t it time you changed that? With our highest-quality scented vapors, which exceed manufacturing standards, Black Rose is just the solution for you.

Of course, we can’t make you buy it. We can’t force you into the purchase, any more than we can throw the realm into a months-long riot. That’s illegal, and we’re not here to break laws. The Crucible would never advocate breaking laws to afford premium-priced premium-quality scents. Just remember, you get what you pay for, and Black Rose comes at an as-of-yet-unheard-of price. Which may mean that for your pathetic life to be better, you may have to do as-of-yet-unheard-of things. No cost is too great when it comes to Black Rose.

Black Rose is perfect for you - but it’s even better for those you’ve had a falling out with. Does your ex-husband try to get involved in your life? Give his hot new girlfriend Black Rose. She’ll find out what it’s like to take life in your own hands the Black Rose way, and it’s sure to cause a calamitous fallout in their relationship. Now you can finally be free of the problem forever. We guarantee that cold-hearted bastard will never come bothering you again! And his girlfriend will be yours for the taking.

Don’t make the mistake so many others will. When the Black Rose hits the market with all the force of a falling star, and floods out the competition, don’t be caught standing in line like an Ala Mhigan refugee hoping to get a handout. This will be an earth-shattering event, so order your Black Rose in advance!

Edel Geraldine wrote this four moons ago and is so, so so sorry. But article quotas are article quotas.

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Some Assembly Required: A Stage Reborn brings live theater to Final Fantasy XIV | Massively Overpowered

The Crucible is extremely grateful for this shoutout from massivelyop! From the bottoms of our shriveled, corrupt hearts, we thank you, MJ Guthrie!

-Saferoth

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WE AREN’T LION: FIVE TIPS FOR CATCHING THE PERFECT FURRY FOR ALL YOUR DEGENERATE NEEDS!

The world is huge. Way bigger than most people realize. And through this whole world, there are a ton of things that are big, brawny, and will grab you by the head and feet and pull until something falls off. If that’s your thing, you awful degenerate, you’re probably looking to get with a Hrothgar! And if that’s your goal, you’re probably pathetic and weird enough that you’re never gonna be able to get with one. Not without help.

My help.

Hrothgar, if you don’t know, are like if a miqo’te was manly. Ever looked at the fifteenth Tia of the day and gone “man, it sure is convenient you can tell they’re pathetic sacks of crap by their name alone, but I wish there were some that weren’t trash”? Boom. Hrothgar. Ever had to listen to a Tia drone on and on about how girls don’t like him and tried to get away, but he keeps begging you not to leave, and you end up sleeping with him out of pity and immediately realizing that this is definitely your rock bottom? Boom. Hrothgar.

They’re basically all men, and they’re basically all gay, and that means it’s a treasure trove. So here’s The Crucible’s tips on how to nail one, so you can nail one.

TIP #1: JINGLE JANGLE

Hrothgar like noise that isn’t natural. Metal clinking is a great way to pull that off. You know those fish dudes from the far east? Steal one of their bells and put that around your neck, and before long you’ll have a whole train of Hrothgar following you everywhere you go.

TIP #2: BOXING DAY

No, not like punches. Like boxes. Wooden boxes. Hrothgar *love* boxes. They’ll sit in them all day. If that doesn’t work, you can make a circle with some rope, and they’ll sit in that, too. Then you’ve got ‘em, and you can just talk to them until they fuck you out of pity. It’s a win-win! You get laid, and they get box time.

TIP #3: STRING THEM ALONG

No, not play “hard to get”. Literally string. They can’t get enough of that shit. Why do you think Hrothgar are always fishing? You haven’t seen one fish? Just wait. You will. They’re awful at it because they keep clawing at the string. Just dangle some string in front of them and lure them away from anyone who can tell them that they’re making a bad decision. Easiest lay you’ll ever get.

TIP #4: FILL THAT DARK SOUL WITH LIGHT

Light attracts the eyes, and you can get a Hrothgar to pounce the instant you whip out a small mirror. If you hide well, and catch sunlight on the mirror, you can lead them around. They’re compelled to follow and try to catch the light. It’s true. My cousin knows a guy whose sister tried it, and it worked for her, so it’ll work for you.

TIP #5: HAIRBALLS

All else failed? You’re desperate and don’t know what else to do? Drink enough shitty booze to get sick all over, but eat, like, a lot of hair first. Find a barber, they’ll let you take it for a cool fistful of gil. Hrothgar go nuts at the sight of a hairball.

WARNING: I’M NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU FOLLOW UP WITH THE LINE “WOW, IS THIS WHAT A GAG REFLEX IS LIKE? I WOULDN’T KNOW, BECAUSE I’VE NEVER HAD ONE, EVER.”

Anthony Hawke is not answering any further questions about how much Hrothgar dick he’s gotten this month.

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LIFE ISN’T ALL BUN AND GAMES - BUT IT COULD BE!

There’s a place out in the middle of nowhere, in a region nobody cares about, called Dalmasca. In Dalmasca, there’s a boring forest. In the boring forest, there’s a secretive race called the Viera. There are rumors that male viera exist. These rumors are, frankly, ludicrous. Viera are all rabbit-looking women, much like miqo’te look like cats. And in my time in Eorzea, if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that you horny bastards will fuck anything on two legs and most things with more.

However, I’m also the only one here who’s even a little competent, and between this and the fact that I have been cursed for my former pride to be tormented for all eternity, I got tasked with helping you all get one of these Viera hopping in your bed. And so, in no interest but aiding you with fulfilling your own disgusting desires, I have compiled this guide for you. I am certain that if you follow it, your chances with these rabbits will not worsen. You can follow the carrot of my advice or feel the stick of one of these women slapping you so hard you get thrown into another dimension.

POINT THE FIRST: GET STRIPPING

Viera come from a society where clothes are like icing on a cake - sure, it’s there, but it’s mostly tradition and nobody actually cares whether or not you have any because nobody you invited came to your party again, every friend you try to make abandons you and you’re going to eat it all anyway just like last time, you fucking idiot.

So since Viera don’t wear clothes, neither should you. Show them what you’re working with. Or aren’t. Honesty is an important part of a relationship.

POINT THE SECOND: APPROACH WITH CAUTION

Ever try to pet a rabbit in the wild? It ran away. Just like everyone else. Viera are like rabbits. That means if you try to pet one, they’ll run away. They’re skittish like that. So maybe don’t get too close to them. Thirty fulms or so is a good range to keep as an absolute minimum. They’ll appreciate that, as long as you’re not upwind of them, you filthy monster.

POINT THE THIRD: BEAT THE MEAT

Much like the animal they are so clearly an offshoot of, Viera are pretty much entirely vegetarians, despite being gifted at hunting. Why would this be the case when it makes more sense that they’d either eat meat or be meek? Beats me. I’m not a mind reader. But there’s two things I can tell you: that sometimes I wish a tall huntress would kick my head off (killing me instantly), and that if you keep their diet in mind you’ll be the only meat they’re eating.

POINT THE FINAL: DON’T BE YOURSELF

I’m dead serious. If you’re reading this trash rag of a paper, you’re a vile person and you enjoying the touch of another soul a crime against decency in this hell-ridden world of darkness and despair. If you want to feel the touch of a viera, then take every instinct, every thought, every feeling and every reflex and shove it in the trash. And keep it there.

Forever.

Yomiko Kusanagi has accepted that the touch of a Viera won’t bring her happiness. Nothing could.

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THE FIRST’S LAST FOOD YOU’LL NEED!

The Crystal Tower. If you’ve ever been to Mor Dhona, then you’ve seen it. Standing there, smug, all high and mighty smack dab in the middle of the place. I know you’re probably a loser who’s never left the city once in your life, but take my word for it, as someone who knows what he’s talking about: it’s there. Taking up the skyline. A sore for sighted eyes. 

There’s just a giant crystal stretching into the sky? How do I even draw that?

Have you ever wondered what that dumb thing is for? I know most people aren’t smart enough to think critically, and aren’t as awesome at traveling as I am. And I’m damned sure you don’t have the smarts to know that the best crystal comes from Mor Dhona. But there’s a bunch of nerd-ass nerds hanging around Mor Dhona, call themselves “HOAN”. ‘Historical Onward Anarchist Nerds”, or something like that. Whatever, it’s not important. What is important is that they made it their lives’ missions to discover the reason all this Allagan shit everywhere is still here. It’s like when a dumbass kid spends his allowance on a model kit instead of cool shit like pipes and piercings, except it’s their entire life. But hey, at least they proved themselves sort of useful, finally.

I think he looks like a cool guy.

See, the “official” report that they don’t want you to know the truth behind says that the Crystal Tower worked in tandem with Dalamud, to absorb some aether bullshit and make a bunch of power and some void shit. Immortality, demons, blah blah. You probably bought that story because you’re stupid enough to trust whatever you read, instead of reading what I’m telling you. And what I’m telling you is that The Crucible has dug up the real truth. The true truth. We waded through the water of bullshit and lies and we grabbed that shit like the last donut in the box. Except not like assholes, Steinarr, because we share with everyone. So here it is. The real reason for the Crystal Tower? Dimensional travel. Boom.

I don’t know where Hawke buys his sunglasses, and he refuses to tell me. :(

“Dimensional travel?” You ask. “What’s that even mean?” It means going to different worlds, but like, not in the ‘pub crawl off the star’ way, in the ‘rip a hole open in reality like it’s a birthday gift and shove your dick into the reality glory hole’ way. “How’s that possible? That’s even dumber than the official story.” You’re right! It’s pretty dumb, but it’s real, baby. Allagans.

I love my job at the funny fiction magazine. Sometimes I get to draw faerie tales!

So their scientists, right? They were all “Hey, how about immortality and voidsent and interdimensional hookers and fashion?” And their Emperor, Zant, was like, “Hell yeah. Throw in some gambling too.” So the Crystal Tower did a little of everything. Made cool clothes, ran numbers games, called in Voidsent for sexual favors, but then one day the dude in charge of it all, Amen, got super SUPER drunk and woke up in another dimension. A whole other world past the void called “The First”! Really dickish thing to name yourselves, and honestly I’d say we should dickpunch them all just for that, but there’s actually like, a good reason not to. That’s right.

Hamburgers.

Looks delicious to me!

So this “First” place is a “parallel” world. Like lines that cross each other. Things are kind of familiar, a little, but definitely not the same, and the past is super way different too. Allag were all, “score!” and stole a whole lot from that place, and left it dead and empty until those nerds broke in and found out about the greatest thing to ever be. I say again: Hamburgers. Don’t know what that is? Don’t worry. This time, you being an ignorant dumbass is forgivable. Because these ENOH guys are super secretive and keep shoving people down pits or seeing that they have ‘accidents’ whenever they try to leak the news about Hamburgers. But not me. I’m too cool to fall.

Warning: hamburgers may cause acute onset heart failure, chronic organ failure, brain damage, weight gain, weight loss, parasitic infection, flu-like symptoms, internal hemorrhaging, greenish blood, vomiting or murderous compulsions. Do not shoot and burg. 

So what is a burger? Simple. You take the meat of a beast called a “cow” from the First. Then you grind that shit up into tiny little bits and smash it together. The fat makes it sticky. Once that’s done, you grill that shit, and get a loaf of bread you cut clean in half. Slap on some la noscean lettuce, some olive oil, maybe a bit of mustard if you can swing it, some garlic, too. Once you’ve got all that together, slap the meat on.

These nerds can’t stop the truth forever. They’ve been eating burgers for moons, now, and my investigative journalism took like eight to conclude. Trust me, though. Totally worth it. If we all band together, we can get the burgers for ourselves. Let’s swarm Mor Dhona and get some cow!

Anthony Hawke is not responsible for any damages caused to the Sons of Saint Coinach or their associated branches of researchers.

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All Saint’s Wake Screenshot Contest! Enter to win a Crucible T-Shirt!

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Remember to post your screenshots by October 31st! #CrucibleHalloween2018

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All Saint’s Wake Screenshot Contest! Enter to win a Crucible T-Shirt!

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Welcome to The Crucible.

You can probably tell by how we act, but we’re 2 years old now! Celebrate our anniversary with us as we present our new website!

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THE SHORT, UNHAPPY LIFE OF CAPTAIN NECKBEARD

Unlike many ship figureheads, apparently these pirates opted for a pillow tied to the stern.

It has been exactly one sennight since the sinking of the Lady M’lady, and with it the loss of Limsa Lominsa’s most pathetic crew of pirates. Unsurprisingly, while others make a show of mourning the loss of the crew out of politeness, The Crucible is the only publication which dares to write the full story.

Picture: one of the most pathetic ‘ships’ in the city of Limsa Lominsa.

The Lady M’lady was first constructed shortly after the commencement of the Seventh Astral Era. The ship itself started with the intent of being a place for the outcasts of Lominsan society (and I implore you to imagine someone so pathetic they’re not even good enough for that shithole) to find a home, led by their pathetic captain. While The Crucible has discovered his birthname to be “Klindiskriba”, to all others he was known by the moniker Captain Neckbeard, on account of his tendency to so frequently lose fights that he was constantly either bruised or bloody and complain about this fact while simultaneously never doing anything to better himself in any way, instead wanting the world to change around him to accommodate his strange and oftentimes pathetic ideas.

Look at him. Look at his neckbeard. Does he dye it?  Indeed, Neckbeard created a cesspit of like-minded individuals. Despite their constant bemoaning of their failures (and the clear fact many became pirates out of a misguided and frankly childish hope it would earn them attention), Neckbeard’s crew failed to set sail for multiple consecutive summers. Growing so insular, and leaving their ship less and less, they adopted their own bizarre dialect of Lominsan “speech” which somehow makes even less sense than the norm. Indeed, those who had the displeasure of speaking with them reported that if one were able to penetrate their tendency to start most nouns with a tacked-on and halfhearted “Arrrr”, the only thing to be gleaned from anything the crew had to say was that they blamed everyone else but themselves for their myriad problems.

All of Limsa knows he’s a loser.

Eventually, considering them an eyesore (in a city in which the locals routinely shit in the street and allow beastmen to walk about), Limsa Lominsa’s Admiral Merlwyb Bloefhiswyn (who they referred to as “ArrrrBitchy Mum” and “ArrrrFemoid”, a term which is particularly baffling and childish) had enough of their freeloading. Indeed, she declared Neckbeard’s crew to be a nuisance, and declared them outside the protection of the law, as well as that giving them charity (as opposed to wages) was now a crime.

This, at least, got Neckbeard moving. Faced with a choice of either departure or annihilation, the crew of the Lady M’lady set sail for a place they called the “Chad Islands.” Before you ask, no, there is no such place. Indeed, it seems in their insular nature, they completely invented the concept of the island.

Behold: the saddest sack of ‘pirates’.

Within a handful of nights, the Lady M’lady ran aground on a tiny island so small it had yet to be officially named. For reasons unbeknownst to anyone but themselves, they named the place their first and final voyage ended “Arrrrincel Island”, and there they all starved to death. The most keenly ironic part of their demise is that, had they been willing to merely swim to an island which on a clear day is entirely in sight of the place they died, they would have found themselves on the pleasure beach of Costa Del Sol at the same time as Gegeruju’s pre-Moonfire open-call orgy.

What a tragedy.

Yomiko Kusanagi finds this every bit as tragic as if someone came to her house and shot her in the face while simultaneously adopting her cat and giving him the best home imaginable.

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This article’s screenshots were provided by Maru, who is super cool and you should follow on Twitter. Thanks, Maru! If you see Phoebe Dylorn in-game, make sure to say hello!

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ABOUT MAELSTROM RADIO, TO BE THERE AT LEAST IT’S NOT

Um. What?

Maelstrom Radio is that ok with you guys and then the next day I will have to get. Thanks for your help me with this place he is the one that is the only way. Thanks. I'm not going. Established in Limsa Lominsa, I have Maelstrom Radio am not sure going to be. I'm not sure if I can make it to the meeting tonight but I will be there. Maelstrom Radio. The awful worst pirate radio tonight will you please let me just check it out when you start the new job? Thanks so much for all you do for the kids and I are going to go to the gym in the morning things are going good for you guys to come over for dinner?

Hey, has anyone seen Hawke lately?

Help me with the kids and I are going to the movies with me and I will be in touch soon to get a few things. Stroke clot in my life and I am not going to be able to make a payment on the check and the other two. Anthony Hawke is too cool to see the new Star is Born to be there at all.

I don’t know why he wanted me to ‘throw dice on a dodecahedron’. I don’t think he knows what that is?

I'm not sure if I can make it to the meeting tonight but I will be there at the same time as the next guy who is this please. I'm not sure how you feel better knowing you were able to make the trip and I'm going to try running without you in my life. HELPHELPHELPHELP.

I think some people came by the office looking for Hawke? I mean. That’s probably what the red paint was for.

We will see how much I can get Lee. Thanks again is a w w to get the eeewwww. Maelstrom Radio to be there by an elephant and I'm going to try.

Money in the grave and I don't.

I’m gonna go look for Hawke.

Sunglass hair.

Anthony Hawke listened to episode 97 of Maelstrom Radio, featuring The Crucible. Have you? If so, this whole thing might make more sense to you.

Don’t forget The Crucible has a Merchandise store now! Show all your friends that you enjoy reputable news! Support the UNBIASED press!

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The Crucible FFXIV | Featuring custom t-shirts, prints, and more

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We now have a store! Get your Crucible gear here!

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THE CRUCIBLE ISSUE #25: OCTOBER 2018