The last words he (Kurt Cobain)Ā spoke arenāt known, but he did leave a suicide note, addressed to his imaginary childhood friend āBoddahā:
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, the ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I havenāt felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things. For example when weāre backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesnāt affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seem to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd, which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I canāt fool you, any one of you. It simply isnāt fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if Iām having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. Iāve tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God believe me I do, but itās not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when theyāre gone. Iām too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last 3 tours, Iāve had a much better appreciation for all the people Iāve known personally and as fans of our music, but I still canāt get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. Thereās good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why donāt you just enjoy it? I donāt know! I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point where I can barely function. I canāt stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that Iāve become. I have it good, very good, and Iām grateful, but since the age of seven, Iāve become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. Iām too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I donāt have the passion anymore, and so remember, itās better to burn out then to fade away.
Frances and Courtney, Iāll be at your altar. Please keep going Courtney, for Frances. for her life will be so much happier without me. I LOVE YOU. I LOVE YOU
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