The obsessive reader @waitingonthesidelines - Tumblr Blog

boy: do you have any fantasies ;)

me: haha yeah so it's the 1300s and i'm a scribe who has discovered copies of ancient texts that are lost to us today,

I love it when I click on a recipe link because it sounds yummy and instead of a recipe I get a several page dissertation on a food blogger’s boredom with her marriage and lies she was told in childhood

benepla-deactivated20180521

this ending in a recipe literally changed my fucking life i thought i was being spread some fucking truisms abt the ugliness of marriage but it was literally a preamble to creme brulee brownies. writing is fake

glumshoe

my uncle

-is allergic to chocolate -is physically incapable of laughter (it comes out as a hiss, like steam escaping a pipe) -has weird long vampire teeth -once led a chemical attack on some college students who had bullied his high school chemistry class -named his bicycle Tom Bombadil -got hired twice for the same job as himself and his fake identical twin because his boss wouldn’t hire him full time -is the only member of my family to have shown me open and unconditional support -is a clean-cut nerd… who used to be a psychedelic Deadhead and follow them around on tour -enjoys snacking on an exercise formula called “goo”; his favorite flavor is “plain”. Plain goo. He gave me a box of it for Christmas once and it’s as gross as it sounds. -cannot touch mangos -teaches meditation seminars at his Buddhist temple -has begun studying magic -used to be obsessed with cults, especially Scientology, and would just… spy on their temples -is so fucking weird -used to drive a car that he’d covered entirely in plastic lizards, until someone stole it -is terrified of the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and still has nightmares about them

glumshoe

-is sending me on a roadtrip to the National Radio Quiet Zone for fun and education

glumshoe

-showed up to a family outing downtown this morning, wearing nylon shorts and expensive leather Oxford formal shoes -cried himself to sleep as a child because he desperately wanted a pet alligator -has experimented with god knows how many psychoactive substances…. For Science -is a literal masochist, as discovered this afternoon, when he told me all about how he’s addicted to the “excruciating pain and unexpected pleasure” of physical therapy -has feet so long he has to get shoes custom made for him - they have, in the past, been mistaken for clown shoes -once took his girlfriend on a date to lick the St. Louis Arch, in winter, and later revealed that he only framed it as a date ‘cause he was afraid of going alone in case his tongue got stuck to the metal -told me that he loved how bananas made his whole throat feel tingly, was surprised to find out that bananas are not supposed to have this effect -was disappointed that I did not bring a book on demon conjugation to the family reunion, because he wanted to compare it to his own translation -got banned from going down a slide today because he was dripping wet and had clearly been swimming…. he was just really sweaty from climbing the stairs

glumshoe

-sent me a check but forgot my legal name and put my nickname on it instead (it can’t be deposited and he hasn’t sent another)

glumshoe

this is what he wore to a family outing downtown