i am going to shoot that poem like a lame horse the title is horrible and last minute and doesnt even fit that well cringe cringe cringe. i am cringe but free i am cringe but free i am cringe but free
In a piece for The New Inquiry from back in 2017, George Dust states that when queer people complain about there being a top shortage, what they really mean is “nobody is fucking me the way I want, and I have no agency in that.” Alongside co-authors Billy-Ray Belcourt and Kay Gabriel, Dust suggests that many queer people align themselves with a passive or “bottom” position because they believe that role will absolve them of the guilt of really wanting things. They present themselves as what they believe to be the sexual party with zero power; the receiver, the accepter of action rather than its cause.
This position is drawn in contrast to the bottom-identified person’s idea of a top: the one who approaches, the person with hungers and desires, the person who decides which sexual activities will happen and how intense they will get. The top, from this perspective, is the stronger, more capable, more dangerous person. They’re the only one who can ever be guilty of intruding or harming somebody else. This power is scary, but it’s also compelling.
Dust calls this fantastical version of a top a “brute” — and they are the most cartoonish stereotype of what it means in society to be a man. Because it’s a cartoonish stereotype, no human actually lives up to it — and we’d probably revile a person even if they could.
Though queer people know we are harmed by the gender binary and heteronormativity and all the social scripts those things force upon us, its biases are still embossed on our brains. Without meaning to, we reproduce tired gender stereotypes in our relationships. And so we see expressing a sexual want as masculine, and being masculine as being more capable of violence and coercive control, and thus bad. We see failing to communicate one’s desires openly as desirably feminine, as well as a sign of blamelessness and purity — because on some level we still feel it is wrong to have desires.
But this entire worldview is a complete lie. Desire is not evil. Expressing attraction is not a violation. Failing to express oneself can be just as dangerous as not listening to someone else’s limits. Women can be abusive. Bottoms can sexually assault. No matter our gender, presentation, or sexual role, we are each capable of harm. And the only way to make a safe, mutually pleasurable sexual encounter happen is by going after it, actively, and communicating from a position of inner strength.
So how do you do that, if society’s been telling you all your life that you’re meant to date by acting like a deer passively snapping twigs in the woods, waiting for some hunter to hear you, and pursue you? (That really is dating advice that Evangelical Christian counselors give to women, if you can believe it).
By not fixating so much on what you’re doing or not doing to draw other people toward you, and instead thinking in terms of what you want and what you observe beyond yourself.
#ooooh boy. yeah..#i definitely was like this whne i was first coming out. this is really good writing#it's hard to unlearn. it's hard to change. but havigg that agency is so so important#for yourself. for not making your partner do all the emotional work#for owning your sexuality/queerness without guilt#anyways. genuinely sorry to every butch/masc i had a crush on when i was a baby gay. hope y'all are doing well
Love when people add these. Thanks for sharing about your growth!
#long post#both articles are really really good#especially the second one#and everyone should read them
#as a black person i'm expected to do all the heavy lifting of pursuing/flirting/initiating/fucking#and this makes it incredibly difficult for me to date#because i KNOW that#and i don't want to be in that role#i resent it#and i've come to resent dating because everyone i've dated in this area (vancouver is very very white)#has been suuuuuper passive/uncommunicative and it drove me insane#the second article uses “brutishness” and i think this encompasses the experience#of what you're expected to be while dating other queers
#it's not just forwardness that's desired it's rawness they perceive as animalistic#which is extremely dehumanizing obviously!#which makes the whole experience extremely fraught#because ultimately it's all about that other person and how they feel and what they want#without them ever having to overtly express it#which allows them to wallow in passivity and sexual shame while still getting their needs met (but only partially)#(hence the whining about a top shortage)
#it's part and parcel of a narcissism i've noticed in most white queers#where they position themselves at the center of the universe#they see themselves as The Most Oppressed and also The Most Desired#and they forcibly make you a part of this narrative#it's extremely insidious#it's also not just white people tbh nonblack poc are guilty of this too#but i won't even touch that rn#anyway great stuff and i need to show it to some people lmao#find later
i really need to schedule some time to read. had so much fun reading on the train but i just dont if i dont plan it. tomorrow i need to go out for some hygiene products and maybe groceries but after that!!!! me and my name is red....
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