Wanders and Wonders

no one to talk to about how I feel, so why not put it here

[wanderingcaaat]

Picking up the pieces

I am finally starting again. Trying to pick up all the pieces left of me and build a better me.

I finally got into a job that I have never dreamed of. A job with more responsibilities. Although I fear that I might fail, I want this to really really work for me. I want to be good at this. I don't want to fail. Ito nalang ang pinanghahawakan ko. Na masasabi ko may silbi ako. Kaya sana, Lord, tulungan mo ako.

[wanderingcaaat]

Offers

I hope that this is the start of everything falling into place now. Of me finally being able to redeem myself and get back up again.

I am so excited. I hope I will be able to go back to my second home.

[wanderingcaaat]

Saw this post on Facebook. And this is exactly me, lately.

I guess watching Kpop has been a coping mechanism for me not to feel alone.

I feel that the "me" that I am in now has no place in this world. The weak me, hopeless me, useless me. I cannot show anyone else that this is me. I cannot say when this version of me will end. Or will it ever end? They always say there is a light at the end of the tunnel. But how come my tunnel is just getting darker and darker, the light getting dimmer.

[wanderingcaaat]

Last night, a few friends messaged me, checking up on me, asking how am I. All I could answer was "Still alive"

[thoughtkick]

“Why didn’t I learn to treat everything like it was the last time. My greatest regret was how much I believed in the future.”

— Jonathan Safran Foer

[wanderingcaaat]

Kailan ba magiging mapayapa ang buhay?

[perfectfeelings]

“In any given moment we have two options: To step forward into growth or to step back into safety.”

— Abraham Maslow

[wanderingcaaat]

Haha and here I am jobless, a future that is as dark as the night. All because I chose to step back into safety.

Napaweak mo kasi. Bakit mo piniling magpadala sa taong akala mo ikamamatay mo dahil sinira niya ang akala mong future niyong dalawa.

[wanderingcaaat]

Kaya pa ba natin today?

[wanderingcaaat]

No one can replace you, my bias 😍😍😍

[wanderingcaaat]

Why you so cuuuute Jihoon-aaaaaaah 😍😍😍😍😍

[thoughtkick]

“Time doesn’t heal anything, it just teaches you how to live with the pain.”

— Unknown

[wanderingcaaat]

Up until now, time did not help me heal nor has taught me to live with it yet. The truth is I still cannot stand it. Today I might be okay and then relapse happens. I want to go back and redo things for me to avoid the pain I am feeling, to avoid myself from going downward spiral.

[thoughtkick]

“Imagine being with someone where it’s enough safe to just talk for hours about your fears and the things you’re ashamed of … Hours of pure vulnerability. And when you look up again and expect the worst, you get kissed instead. imagine …”

— A.K. mentor

[wanderingcaaat]

For now it's hard to trust someone but I don't believe that somewhere out there is someone who will accept and support me. I know that someday, I will meet someone out there who will be my safe space.

[wanderingcaaat]

On days like today when I feel hopeless and about to give up, you remind me again. Thank you for being the light in my dark road. Happy Carat Day.

[wanderingcaaat]

[mymoonjunhui-deactivated2023061]

My home ❤️

[wanderingcaaat]

my light, my home

[wanderingcaaat]

Carat

Just last night I felt hopelessness. The pressure I cannot bear. The feeling of just giving up. Last night since I couldn’t sleep, I continued watching Going Seventeen episodes and I slept happy again. Now I am crying my heart out again, in the bathroom listening to the songs of Seventeen. Today is Carat Day. Seventeen has reminded me that it may be a dark, lonely, tough road, but they are there to light it up. Through my sleepless nights, it’s them I have been watching. 

I hope someday, when I am out of this winding road, I will be able to meet them. Thank you Seventeen for being here during these moments. 

[wanderingcaaat]

Am I Not Good Enough?

Many things have happened for the past few months. From break up to turning unemployed because I was too weak and too scared to go on with life knowing that the reason I relocated was to follow someone. But then I ended up broken. I had to quit my job because I was too weak to face what happened to me. I thought going home was the only way for me to heal and to get back on my feet again. But how come that I feel I am suffering even more? I am the one in deep mud, I cannot pull myself back up. I have been trying to find work for me to be able to start again, however it’s been months and I haven’t found one. Am I not good enough? Was I way too over myself? Was I too confident of my capabilities and the truth of the matter is I am nothing?

I didn’t think I would feel this. But is my life right too unfair that it’s too much for me to handle? Why do I have to suffer even more when I was already lied to. I didn’t get anything good from everything that has happened to me.

The immense pressure I have right now, the truth is I cannot handle it anymore. I have to find work not only for me to be able to start again but because I am a burden to my family. To my sister who is actually making me feel I am a burden to her family since I am living with her. To my mother who literally is the one paying for everything. And to think she is unemployed too.

I cannot tell anyone about how I feel. I could not sleep. I want to blame my ex for all of this. I blame myself for going through this. I want it to stop. I want everything to stop.