Writing Blog @wanderinggwolfwriting-blog - Tumblr Blog

Posts

I feel so hurt. So invalidated. Its like my biggest insecurity has been put on a display shelf.

That’s it. I’m done.

You keep lying to me.

And I no longer will sit here and let you.

You either give yourself to me entirely

Or I will start giving myself to others.

Just as you are doing now.

In fact, I miss the choices.

I seem to come up with a new "worst type of pain" too often. And I'm not sure if each type of pain is actually progressively worse, or if its just that the current type of pain I experience is hurting so powerfully that for a moment, it feels worse than any other pain I have previously experienced.

#pain

part-0f-my-nightmare

The trust of the innocent is the liar’s most useful tool.

- Stephen King (via escapethematrixx)

#and this is what currently haunts me.#how could I possibly know that you're not lying to me while I sit here in painful restraint of myself..

One Last Note

When the idea of relationship counseling came up, we automatically ruled out that option because of our current lack of money. But I thought of something. If we can randomly buy fish, and afford to feed another feline mouth every so often, could we not cut back somewhere else and invest in our wonderful selves? And moreover, in our love and relationship? If you think we need it, I'm willing to spend some money, if you are. I believe we are worth it. I believe investing in US is worth it. I mean, we are spending the rest of our lives together. Food for thought.

It is 5 AM and I Have Been Studying the Inner Workings of Relationships All Night

And I've come to a conclusion.

Its a conclusion that will bring some relief to you (at least I hope it does):

It is going to end up being you, as we've always predicted.

You are the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And although we want to kill each other sometimes, I know that we will get through this.

I'm learning about the stages of relationships. And how and why they go wrong and what we can do to prevent the bullshit, or at least work through it.

And I'm really happy that we have not given up on each other and this love that we share. And I am sorry that I have come close to saying "fuck it." Sometimes it is hard for me and I want to give up. I know that you are familiar with this feeling. And I'm sure its hard for you too. I know I can be a mean bastard.

But I understand what Is happening now. And I know how we can work through this. And I just Know that we Will.

I love you. And I am so sure that it is you I am ultimately going to marry and grow old with. Well... I shouldn't necessarily say "grow old" with, since you, in my opinion, will never age.

But I need you to know that it is You I am going to marry and we are going to live a long and happy life together. I wish I could fast-forward in time to prove it to you so that you can believe me, so that you can know that everything we have gone through will all be worth it. I just wish I could assure you that this is what I firmly believe.

Lately I've been saying, "I would marry you now if I could" (if there were no legality issues) thinking that, that would solve our problems. As if a marriage certificate would prove that my undying love for you is still there and very much alive. But I realize something now. We are not ready. Our relationship is still growing and we are experimenting with its parameters. Do you understand? We have to create commitment--which marriage requires a whole lot of. There are still aspects of our relationship that are not yet fully developed and need time to do so. And a lot of work on our part, also.

Our relationship is something we have created together, as two separate spiritual beings, and at first, at the very beginning it was lovely, because we were literally HIGH off of each other. And now that the drug-like state has died down, we have entered what is called a "power struggle." Where we are both seeking independence of each other while at the same time trying to maintain this relationship because of our preexisting love. At this point, many relationships fail. But also at this point, many people in struggling relationships reconstruct their relationship and then prosper.

Think about what would happen if we were to actually break up right now. Right now. If you left me. Or if I left you. What do you think would happen? I can tell you. Either way, if I left you or you me, I would come back to you. I would come RUNNING back (like I always have in the past) because I know with everything that I am that there is nobody else I want to be with, but you. My point being, breaking up, would be a complete waste of time and distress simply because it would kill you, and kill me, and then we'd end up back at square one. So you will no longer hear me speak of leaving. Or at least not seriously. And if I do slip up and mention it, I will never do it. Never again. I promise you this.

So instead of leaving, I'm going to offer you what I have learned. Currently, I have noticed, we keep trying to revert each other to how we "used to be." I keep telling you, " you used to be like this or like that and you aren't anymore, wtf." And you keep telling me, "you used to do x, y, z, how come you don't do that anymore etc, etc." And what we are not realizing is that we are Both Trying To Change Each Other INSTEAD OF Accepting Each Other As We Are.

There's a second part to this. Are you still with me? I know this one is rather long, I'm sorry, but I take our relationship rather seriously. Ok as I was saying. Here's the most important part, so if you take anything from this, please remember this part:

We are different. We are SO different. And you have started to resent me for it. And I, you. But you know what? I will Never be like you. In the same way that you will Never be like me. But I offer you something different. Something that we can try: Instead of seeing me as the most incompatible person in the world to who You are, start to see me as the most qualified person to help you grow as a person BECAUSE I am so different from you. This is how I am trying/starting to see you. You are so different from me and I have so much to learn from you. Because you are so different from me, you have so much to teach me, and you can help me grow in ways I would have never been able to do by myself, or with anyone else's help. You are my soul mate. And I need you.

If we keep this idea in mind, perhaps this will allow us to evolve as human beings, together. Together, I know we can accomplish great things. And I know we have similar visions for the future, and I am eager to make our dreams a reality. I hope you will take this into consideration, because I refuse to let us grow apart. And I also refuse to let you die (emotionally/mentally) in my arms because you are unhappy. I want us connected, in tune and In Love feverishly as we once were. You are my soul mate and I wish to give you eternal happiness and lifetime full of LOVE and the most amazing, heart-warming memories.

Again, I need you to know, I need you to rest assured: It always has been, and always will be, you. And I'm sorry its been so long since I've said it. But I am still here. And I still love you.

#Lindz

I can feel it

I can feel it slowly build. As my words and images reach more people, and as my fan base slowly continues to grow, I can literally feel myself expanding. I love that I am able to help people. I love that I am being someone who is there for other people, like so many others have been there for me. Its almost like a "paying it forward" gesture.

By putting their personal lives out in public for the whole world to see, they risked so much; their safety, their privacy, and so much more. But they did it anyway, and in turn, gave answers to people with questions. If I never watched all these YouTube videos of guys during their transition, I would have NEVER been able to start mine. In fact, I probably would have never even found my true self, I would have never figured out that I am trans. I couldn't have done that myself. I am so grateful to these brave guys on YouTube for all that they have done for me.

And I love that guys continue to pay it forward, and do the same for the next generation.

Now its my turn. And I sincerely hope to bring answers to those with questions, and I hope that I help people find themselves. The time spent filming, organizing topics, and hours of editing, are beginning to pay off. I love this.

My first real male bonding experience (as a male myself) was an unexpected one. I walked in the barbershop just like any other time I needed a haircut. I always leave it up to the barbers to decide who is going to cut my hair. Until today, I had no preference towards who I got. Today, there was a group of guys on the couches waiting to be called up for a cut; there were three others besides me. Normally, it goes in order by who got there first. I was the last one to get there, so I was expecting to wait a while. But to my surprise, I was picked out first by an older gentleman who had cut my hair twice before in the past—about the same amount of times all the other barbers have cut my hair at this particular shop.

But this time was different. This time was nice. Not that the other two times weren’t nice. They just weren’t as nice as this time. Maybe it was the sleepiness I was experiencing (it was early morning) or maybe it was the fact that I was his first job of the day, but whatever happened, it happened just right. Throughout the entire haircutting process, I had my eyes closed and felt perfectly at ease. His hold on my head was gentle and his hands were steady. I felt that I was being catered to. I felt like he was taking care of me. And somewhere in between the tapering and buzzing, his scent wandered up my nose. And it was then when my thoughts were consumed by his scent. I began to analyze it.

I could smell him: his hair product, his deodorant mixed with a lack thereof, his coffee breath, and the overall overpowering man-scent. It’s something I haven’t smelled since my father left me when I was a kid. And maybe it was just the nostalgic, sensitive side of me kicking in.. but I had felt something in that moment.

He smelled the way he smelled, and he was fixing my hair for me. He was cutting my hair swiftly but gently, and he smelled like a man. And in that moment I felt that I had a father figure.

Maybe I am just That deprived of an older male role model in my life… but I am so glad that I experienced that. It brought me a deep comfort that I cannot describe. I feel like it’s a feeling I’ve been missing my entire life. This barber, had no idea I was ever female. When he had met me, he had no doubt in his mind that I was Ever female. And because he has always viewed me as male, and he is cis male himself, I was able to experience this male bonding feeling. It was something I have never experienced before and now I crave it. I must find this feeling again.

When he finished styling my hair, I paid him, tipped him well, and asked for his name. Jim gave me his card. I had no preference to which barber cut my hair, until today.

#barber

wolveswolves

Remember the extreme close-up pictures from human eyes by Armenian photographer Suren Manvelyan? He did a follow-up collection, showing eyes of animals, birds and reptiles.

Above a close-up from a wolf’s eye. Make sure to check out the rest of the series - click here

wanderinggwolfwriting-blog

sunflower in his eye.

There in the shadows, exists a wolf. This wolf is recovering, this wolf has scars. In the shade, his scars are almost imperceptible. They heal, in the shade.

Because of these scars, it’s best for Wolf to stay out of the sun. The bright, harsh, burning sun harms the wolf’s scars. The sun hurts the Wolf.

But Wolf loves the sun. He wishes he could run freely under its warm rays. But the sun hurts his scars, and because it burns so badly, he chooses to stay in the shade, until his scars are healed.

Luckily, Wolf has a friend; the most wonderful friend in the world. She accompanies him in the shadows. She loves Wolf and Wolf loves her. She understands that his scars burn in the sun. And she pretends she doesn't see his scars while they sit together in the shadows.

He loves her so much; he wishes she would never leave his side. But inevitably, there are moments when She leaves Wolf. She needs to be in the sun, where Wolf cannot yet be. Wolf does not mind being by himself. But without her, Wolf is the loneliest and saddest wolf.

But She needs to be in the sun.

#writing

And I hope you know that you are loved. And that it doesn't matter if no one ever shouts it at the top of their lungs or whispers it in secret. Even if no one glances your way Even though it gets worse every day Regardless of all the neglect All the times they lacked respect All that really matters... The only thing that matters is that I Love You.

and I will never forget that conversation. I don't even remember what was said, to be honest. I just remember how it felt, the enlightening atmosphere and the energy bouncing between us. you were finally in a place that you have needed to be for so long a place I never thought you would get to. and you surprised us all. but I am so glad that you were able to get there. and it led to us having a real conversation. led us to really communicate. I loved it. you were you. and i was me, for the most part. and we were sharing thoughts and ideas and I swear we could come up with webs of ideas that could create an empire our ideas could change the world. as long as we branch off (as usual) and build a forest of thoughts. I'm thinking of you tonight, and I miss your mind. I miss you, but not the you that intentionally hurts me.

I wish it were overnight. I don't want to go through hours of therapy. I don't want to wait for a recommendation letter. I don't want to wait for the doctor to put me on the prescription. I don't want to wait months to start seeing my body change and my voice drop. I don't want to have to go through surgery just so that I can walk outside without a shirt on. I wish it could just happen overnight. In fact, I wish I never had to go through all this in the first place and was simply born male.

Scribbles On Nostalgia

Its been a while since it has hit me with this amount of force. Lately I have been focusing on the future. Tomorrow, tomorrow's tomorrow, and the tomorrow after that. I guess my mind needed a break and forced my eyes to look to the past. What I found astounded me.

I have changed, drastically. And although I love where my life is leading, I miss where I used to be. I remember being younger. Feeling the very components of youth coursing through me, body and soul, in a momentous rhythm.

I miss my friends. I have found that I have destroyed almost all of my friendships. Either that or let them disintegrate. Old pictures brought old memories to linger in my mind. Remembering brought tears to my eyes. I remember the feeling of being adventurous... not knowing what was going to happen... and not necessarily caring whether or not it was a bad thing. I remember the feeling of having a friend. A real friend.

I remember running around town aimlessly. The only goal of the night: have fun and don't get caught. The thrills. The excitement. It set my soul on fire. It lit my world up in a light that shone so brightly... yet briefly.

How could I have let those people out of my life?

How could I have ruined my relationships with some them...

Now I am seen as deceitful, untrustworthy, or uncaring.

Or they have been promised too much.

And never received.

But am I really at fault here?

People change. They move. They have their own lives, and ours cease to intertwine. But that doesn't stop me from missing them.

Missing her. and her. and him. and him.

and her.

Yes, it is possible to miss someone who sits beside you day by day.

There have to be millions of ways to miss someone.

I believe I have felt almost every way. Almost.

And as I look around... I come back.

I am here.

It is now.

And now is good.

I have the most beautiful young lady at arms length and I plan to marry the fuck out of her.

I have my health and my sanity. Although both are fading rapidly, its not too late to save myself. I have all the time in the world.

And best of all I have complete control of my life and I will go wherever I decide.

What if...

I had installed a camera when I first moved in... not a video camera... but a simple one. A simple camera hung up on the wall in the living room... that was programmed to take a picture every few days at random parts of the day. And now... if I went back to look at the slideshow of collected photographs.. what would I see?

Maybe the very first day there would be bare walls, barely any furniture... a happy, smiling couple.

And then... a few pictures down... more stuff... posters on the wall... a new cat or two...and more stuff... and more stuff... and clutter... and a big mess. A sink full of unwashed dishes, piles of dirty laundry, stacks of forgotten papers and worst of all... an unhappy, fighting couple. Stress about money. Stress about life. Frustrated faces. Hurt feelings. Raised voices. Raised fists.

Like the happiness slowly dwindled over time... but it did so in a matter that was so slow... that we took no notice. We didn't notice until we compared. We didn't notice until we looked back at the first picture.

#thinking

imtheboywho-blog

I'm starving for some good things in my life.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Writing Blog