Song: “La Carretera” – Prince Royce
In the end of the month of June 2017, here I am. Aboard a plane, direction Russia. More precisely, direction Frankfurt, our stop on the way to St-Petersburg. 3 or so hours into the flight, at an altitude of 34943 feet, a sudden wave of sadness hits. More like nostalgia… Nostalgia over a life that I haven’t lived yet, but is passing by at the speed of light. This whole year, spent in preparation, in waiting, in studies, hoping to pass, hoping to create an amazing summer camp for scouts, hoping to live an incredible summer. Then two months of research that passed by like 2 seconds, and a summer camp that I can barely remember, because of so much time spent preparing material and games, and so little time spent with the children I’m supposed to make happy. I do not think I enjoyed the camp as much as I should’ve. That is my regret for this weekend and the year spent in preparation for it.
Although, I do remember one moment clearly. A beautiful night sky, filled to the brim with bright stars, a few of them shooting across the sky, leaving trails of silver in their path. I remember water so calm that I could watch the stars quietly dance on its surface. With twinkles all around me, I almost felt myself lift off to the middle of space. The Milky Way surrounded me, a whole galaxy in my reach. Only the shadows of mountains and hills over the water, and the feeling of cool sand beneath my body, kept me grounded.
However, today, I can’t help but think about my life. My thoughts drift from place to place, moment to moment, in my mind and my heart. 47 days until I am 20 years old. 1/3rd of the average age for humans. How quickly these years have passed. And how they pass by quicker and faster. I once heard that as you grow up, you feel like each year is shorter than the previous one, because each new year is a smaller portion of the totality of your life. At 20, my 20th year of life is only 5% of it. And it felt like it passed by as quickly as the battery of an iPhone goes down 5%. In four years, I’ll be in my last medical year, ready to start residency, and just floating along as life passes by. Following my path.
It kills me to think about the future, but it is all I think about. Always hoping and waiting for the weekend, summer, the next trip. Am I really living, or just taking a train from one stop to another in life, and the rest of the time on the train, just getting on with the basics of life, with what I must do. Not really enjoying it as fully and as deeply as I want to, but holding on to promises that I would be enjoying it soon.
I have a tendency of projecting myself in future moments, and knowing what I would think: “Wow, I’ve been waiting for so long, and now this is happening. And now it is over.” What next?
It’s tough to think about how we are born, we grow up, we die, and everything is over. It’s hard to find a purpose in such a short life. It’s difficult thinking back to everything that has happened in the past, and knowing that it is impossible to relive it, to return to those moments, that age, that fleeting feeling. It is even harder regretting having done, or not having done something. It’ll kill me if I wake up one day and realize that I did not live my life the way I wanted to live it, or that I regret not having “lived” enough. I can’t say that I have my whole life in front of me, because I feel every second of it pass by, like a ticking clock in the back of my mind, constant and relentless. Sometimes it is drowned out by the sounds and the cluster of my worries and habits and work and studies and wastes of my time. But when I find myself alone with that ticking clock, I’m afraid. I’m terrified. I don’t want to stay on the bench of life and watch the game pass me by. I don’t want to miss it. I want to be fully part of every moment of the life that I want to live.
I don’t have a good memory and I know it. I gather information in a “big picture” kind of way, and I don’t remember details. However, I do remember feelings and the impression of a moment in my mind and my heart. And some feelings are incredible, and I want to return to those moments and relive those feelings.
The feeling of a sunset on a beach in Punta Cana, with the music of a soft bachata in the background, in all the right tonalities to suit the sound of the ocean waves washing over the shore.
The feeling of absolute insignificance in front of an incredible night sky, full of a gazillion planets and stars and galaxies that are quadrillions of times bigger than me. And an even vaster emptiness. An infinity in which I am smaller than a point.
The feeling of happiness when twirling around in the arms of the boy I love, to the sound of music in our minds.
The feeling of a camping trip, an accomplishment, an adventure unfolding before me. The memories of a canoe and fire, a pierced rock and bikes. A long road, and a huge amount of water ahead of me.
The feeling of a loss of breath at the top of a mountain, looking out into the world, and feeling as tall as the sky. Turquoise lakes and winding rivers to trace with my eyes for hours.
The feeling of awe in front of beautiful architecture, culture and life in every city of the world.
¿Dónde estarás, dónde estarás?
Where will I be next in my life? Hopefully everywhere. I want to gather those feelings and memories as much as I can. I want to learn to find them in the simplest moments of my life, as well as on the biggest adventures. I want to live in every second, and find a way to enjoy it and make it memorable. I will not let my life pass me by. At almost 20, I will live the next years of my life as deeply as I can.
titsay
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