Henlo there :)

poems, stories and other things

[wanderingsofanomad]

Too Much Coffee

I think I drank too much coffee for today. Had UCC in the morning, CBTL this afternoon and Bob's later this evening. I honestly want to sleep right now. I've been rolling on the bed for hours but still cannot fall asleep. I'v been doom scrolling on tiktok and even on youtube. I kinda wanna go downstairs and prepare breakfast instead. I am in dire need of sleep.

Lately I've been stressing out. Well ever since forever. I can't seem to figure out my direction in life. I'm always trying to wear a happy face and greet everyone. It's too tiring. How long can I put up with this charade and people pleasing tendencies. I just wanna be left alone in my corner. Maybe in an alternate universe I'm happier. Contented with who I am and possibly a very succesful man. But in the meantime, I exist in this world. My sad world. I hope anytime soon I'll just slowly doze off to dreamland.

[wanderingsofanomad]

I hope in the end of everything, we will truly get what we want. The struggles, the rejections and the failures will always be there. But as long as we are alive, it could all change for the better. So just hang on there. You'll survive this.

[wanderingsofanomad]

Finally went back to the place we met. Memories were vivid. Thoughts of you clouded my mind. Everything and everywhere reminded me of you. I had to stop myself. From feeling sorry for myself. You left. You chose to leave me when all I needed was just a little bit of your time. I woke up. Woke up from a nightmare. I will no longer be enslaved by your memory. I am taking back my worth, my pride and my love that you have stolen from me. I am and will be better than this and come out strong. You'll see.

[wanderingsofanomad]

Always find your peace in the center of chaos. Everything might seem difficult but you know yourself better than anyone. Just hang on.

[wanderingsofanomad]

why is everything so substandard nowadays, even people?!

[wanderingsofanomad]

I am not myself today, but hopefully tomorrow I'll find myself.

[wanderingsofanomad]

It's About Time

Lately I've been living my life one foot backwards and one foot forward. I feel like I'm stuck in between moving on and have new experiences in life and at the same time I don't want to leave my past life.

From time to time I would've often reminisce the times when I was still in medschool. Like no matter how hard my life was living far from home and juggling academics, love life, friendships and my daily struggles, I would often survive it.

Being an adult sucks, you can't make any mistakes and wrong choices. Everybody seems to think I have figured out my life. I would often wake up tired and stressed and grumpy. To live my daily life preparing for my boards and devouring unlimited cups of coffee to make me awake. It's a struggle waking up early in the morning but I have no choice. This is is the life I chose and this I will live. Which kinda brings me the reason to write this post.

I am tired of feeling tired and feeling sorry for myself. I am so done just sitting by the sidelines, keeping my head down and studying. I will live my life knowing that I will pass my boards and finally become a doctor. I will romanticize my struggles and prove to myself that I can do it.

[wanderingsofanomad]

you will always be worthy

[wanderingsofanomad]

Probably this is the right time to leave. To forget, to move on and to redeem myself. I have spent along time trying to control things. My feelings, my thoughts and my relationships with people. But now, I’ll do things for my own sake. For my future and for those who love me genuinely.

[wanderingsofanomad]

some nights it really gets lonely

when you are drowned in thoughts and swimming on a endless ocean

i would often try to remember what have i done wrong

i’ve always been cautious and careful with everything that i do

being reckless is not my thing

maybe this time

i will

[wanderingsofanomad]

d i s t a n t

I noticed that I’ve been growing very distant with the things I mostly spend my time on. Whether it’s hanging out with my friends or just staying on social media. There’s a vast array of reasons why it has led to this. For starters, I may have not been very in tune with reality but to sum it all up, life sucks. And the weird thing about it is that I’m used to it. Maybe I’m just trying to escape responsibilities or even life itself. Can you just teleport me to another world were I can be a less anxious, handsome and more confident version of myself? I’ve been waking up with this heavy feeling and I have to drag myself and continue on. Being a an emotionless, walking, sleep deprived zombie. Would things be different if I didn’t go to Med? would my life be better if I passed my PLE on my first take? (oopsy I bet you didn’t know about that). 

These questions often come up when I wake up or I go to bed. Personally, maybe I’m still hurting with these circumstances. I can’t call it regret, maybe if I’m too focused on myself, these things just pop in my head and make think.

Regardless, staying away from social media for a while is therapy. No notifications, no doom scrolling or whatever and you know the most fun part of that is? I don’t have any idea what’s going on with people in their lives. Ignorance is truly a bliss. it’s liberating. And I don’t plan on coming back yet. I’m just gonna enjoy this for a while.

The other thing that I’ve been distance about is my friends. I know we all live very busy lives and I just think that hanging out with them to share my problems wouldn’t really help me. I don’t want to bother them and as far as I*m concerned, I’m okay. 

Okay, so this is just a random update and I didn’t expect this to be a long post. But anyways, one thing I really miss is writing. To see my thoughts put into words, it’s funny, weird (sometimes), and real. I could type all day if I wanted to but we have to wear our adult pants and go on living. I believe better days are coming for me, and you guys too. Just keep moving forward. 

[wanderingsofanomad]

i just woke up in the middle night yearning to write something. life lately has become very routine and plain (?). i just don’t know exactly how to describe it but the more the days go longer i find myself stuck and in between of things.

for the past couple of weeks i’ve been having emotional rollercoasters. you know the feeling of uncertainty and random mood swings. i know i can keep it together but sometimes there are just days when you just can’t. 

food makes everything better. i’ve been craving cheeseburgers since i’ve watched the movie the menu. the movie was okay, not something i would watch again but it was interesting

ah movies, i used to be a film buff. i used to watch different genres of movies every night and i would screenshot my favorite scenes and upload it on my socials, but now I can barely finish one

i think as i grow older and hopefully wiser (lol), i can’t help but notice the drastic changes of things i care about. slowly but surely i hope everything will make sense in the latter :)

okbye

[wanderingsofanomad]

Belated Happy Valentines Day everyone. Treat every day as special with your loved ones. Time is fleeting, feelings are fading and days are swiftly going by. Tell them you love them before its too late.

[wanderingsofanomad]

i look at myself in the mirror everyday

thinking of what i could change about myself

is it my hair?

my nose?

my chubby cheeks?

life hasn’t been good to me lately

and the thought of changing how i look won’t help me get out of this situation

but i still look at myself in the mirror

and starting from now on

i will appreciate what i see

i will love myself and grow internally

as it should

and life will be just there

waiting, longing, and hoping

for things to be good again

[wanderingsofanomad]

Never regret failing. You’ll learn alot from it. Life is a teacher. And you will forever be its student.

[wanderingsofanomad]

Kinda sick of this life

[wanderingsofanomad]

hey world

I don't know. I just feel so tired about everything to be honest. You know that feeling when you gave it your all and it is still not enough. I am not blaming life or the world. I'm just freakin exhausted to care. Right now I'm just gonna go with the flow. I hope I'll be okay soon.