Wandering Towards Being Okay Again

A wandering path of self discovery, contemplation, and introspection. A whimsical account of the winding streets, dead end alleys, and bridges to nowhere that make up my journey towards being okay again. It's non-linear- convoluted and opaque at the best of times, plummeting and self-destructive at the worst. But it's me, deconstructed to my most human self.

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

A mother carries a burden heavier than any one person should bear. Her spine holds the weight of her children’s lives sat delicately above her own aspirations and livelihood. And somehow, under all of that weight, her spine still holds straight, and her legs still carry us forth.

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

I want to meet me. I want to meet the version of me that exists separate from the pressure of the world around me. Let me shake hands with the girl that never stared in the mirror wondering what others saw. Let me gaze upon the curves that never new starvation or guilt. Give me the pleasure of speaking to the woman who engages the world around her without hesitation or second thought. I want to meet the woman that grew up unafraid of the world around her.

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

Darkness creeps around the hazy edges of my vision and dances rituals it the periphery. They dance and chant- pleading with gods to ferry sleep into the mortal realm. For only a deity could manage to calm these blistering thoughts. Bring Zeus to smite down my flittering worries with lighting lined with gold. Bring Hera to comfort my womanhood traumatized by an unkind world. Bring Hermès to courier away the criticisms lining each inch of my body. Bring Hades to burn it all- to let fall to ruin my self. Let nothing be left except darkness- and then, finally, sleep.

-insomnia

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

The rain has long passed, clouds blown forwards by caressing wind murmuring- its time to move on friend, the flowers cannot bloom while you linger overhead. Sunlight blanketing the soaked ground, planting life into the soil beneath her. Gentle coaxing- come forth, show the world your grace. The rain has passed and sunlight come- and life spurs on dragging my soul forward into living.

-Spring

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

Today I sat and broke bread with you. We looked at each other from across the table surrounded by our friends , and I wondered. Did my smile seem real? Did my eyes betray my grief? Did my makeup smear from tears shone in bathroom mirrors? I wonder how I can be hurting so much because of you, and you know nothing of it.

-did you even know me?

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

When does it get better? When do I cross the finish line and finally get to stop running? Someone tell me when the hurt stops making it hard to breath; tell me when my thoughts finally stop choking the life from my body. I’m yelling-telling my mind to stop, to quit this horrible cycle before we lose everything we built. But my voice only comes out as air and takes even more from my lungs. It’s suffocating my my mind my body my soul, and every breath feels like my last.

-my thoughts on repeat

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

Would I rather know what you said, or remain ignorant? Which will hurt less, which will speak truth, which will speak truth to my mind? To be perfectly honest, I would rather you have never fucking spoken at all. But you did, and now I must live with it.

-wasting time on options I don’t have

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

They told you not to keep me around- to keep me at a distance. What did I do to make the opinion of me so low? What sin was committed to earn your houses disdain? What sin was so grievous that our family turned into yours and not mine.

-show me how I earned this

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

First comes the disbelief. The shock, the wonder, the disbelief. Then comes the anger- not a burning anger, mind you, just a simmering anger that burns under your skin and itches for a way out. The anger lingers- it’s easier to be angry, easier to process rage and violent thoughts. But eventually, when you’re alone and introspective the hurt comes. And it flows into you like waves, ebbs and flows like the tide bringing tears and sobs in its wake to drown you. The hurt stays for a long while. Sometimes the hurt never leaves.

-

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

You’ve torn me to shreds. Ripped open my wounds and left me to bleed. How am I supposed to look at you the same?

-a wolf in sheep’s clothing is still a wolf

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

A betrayal of trust from a close person is crushing. It’s violating and intrusive and feels like your insides have been pulled out to put on display. And when it’s over you have to look and the world around you and come to terms with this fact- it happened. It happened and you have to find a way to live with it.

-Be kind to yourself

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

Blue

Today I was sad. I could not tell you why I was sad- no singular event being the cause. But it was the kind of sad the seeps into your being- saturates your body until it sleeps heavily in you marrow. Blue and dull and heavy and persistent. It leaves you underwater, the world above muted and blurry, watching life exist. Today was blue. And tomorrow might very well be blue as well...But thats okay. 

[wanderingtowardsbeingokayagain]

Acknowledging the path ahead

The path that lies ahead: winding, treacherous, extensive. 

The end: unknown. 

The journey: winding streets, dead end alleys, forks in the road, bridges to nowhere.