Windigo

I am just trying to become a real person. "Model" Acrobat "Artist" Leo Scorpio Metal Horse

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Remember to accept yourself, you are your toughest critic and the most important person you could impress. You are a cirque performer, you're supposed to be an odd novelty.

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I found a very tragic two and a half page love letter on the ground, I have made it to the back of the first, it is very sad because I already understand that the letter was obviously tossed on the ground before she got through the first page. I am not sure what I intend to do with it when I have finished reading this debotury of the english language, but I imagine to find something beautiful and poetic to "do" with it. Like place it in a bottle on a shrine or, copying it to parchment, recreating the arrows point to "what's up or down" and each scribbled out mistake. Then present it to a museum as if I were holding an original scripture of Shakespeare or the Bible, just to memorialize the reaction on the historian-slash-deskmen's face. Or I could write an entire novel based on the information that I have been allowed to read about these two people's lives. A very tragic novel about drugs, strip clubs, and lies about adultery and heartbreak. I guess only the unraveling of the tides or this life will reveal the truth, that I will not do anything with this desperate proclamation of one man's undying affections, I will but put it in a box until it is quietly filled under junk and tossed into a black bag and discarded on a Thursday evening. This is the true tragedy of a love letter tossed out, found by one person who could breathe into it a new life, a true meaning, but just happens to be too lazy to give it the chance.

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Preparing for my show tonight, I have one last stunt to learn to create my choreography perfect. I am going to be antsy and fidgety all day. and mostly I wanted to post this GIF.

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Marking Slavery

I constantly feel the battle of trying to reject and distance myself from the social propaganda and marketing techniques being shoved down my throat on a daily basis. Television adds using  binaural techniques and subliminal messaging disguised as satire. There was an add, I don't even know what it was about but it literally frightened me, the movement patterns mixed with the sparkly eyes technique. It really made me feel like I was being controlled  like I was not allowed to look away from the screen. Much like the the nine foot women on the sides of clothing stores, assuring you that their clothes will make you into an eight foot amazon woman as well and that that is who you are supposed to be. I constantly go through a roller coaster ride of months spent collecting designer and highly marketed items, then months spent rejecting consumerism as much as possible. I am constantly second-guessing who I am and what my morals are. When I look into my closet I see Hollister, Abercrobie, and Victoria's Secret. Dooney & Bourke and bebe. Mac products and Minnetonka . What are the values of all this shit? Are these things going to last a life time because they are "name brand"? No, they are going to last a life time because I take care of the things I care about. And that is just it, I do care about these things. I enjoy my logos and soft fabrics. So I ask myself, what is wrong with that?  Absolutely nothing. Enjoying named brands and highly marketed products doesn't make me a drone. It doesn't mean that I close my mind and let the media control me and what I choose to purchase. It doesn't mean anything. I don't have to boycott the world of consumerism to prove that I am a real person with my own thoughts and ideas. I don't have to reject the mainstream to prove that I am a person of depth and understanding. Because I understand that we take the good with the bad, and that I have no need to prove myself to anyone, including my own ego. Because I know that there is much more to me than what I own or what I actively or inadvertently support. I don't need to be absent of the cultural world around me to know that it does not define me, because if I actively rejected and withdraw myself, I would be allowing it to define me in a polar way. It is time for me to step off of the roller coaster and free myself from this Marketing Slavery, I am defined by no object or purchase. I am only all the things that I want to be.

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Remember to be colorful, even if others do not speak with lovely manurisms.

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Relationships

Everything is so fake. I’m tired of repeating observations and conversing about relevant discussions and bullshit that everyone discusses. Its awful to watch each other(myself included) reenact our experiences like movie reels. I don’t enjoy being alone but I don’t enjoy putting on a show either. When I look into a room filled with people, I see a bunch of people individually trying to distract each other, when it is not even working, they’re all just waiting for their chance to act out their own bullshit. Relevant conversations about politics, pop culture, sports, and events are the worst. Gay rights, abortions, presidential debates its all a buch of bullshit created to distract you from real life. Pop culture tells you that sex is love and only women fall in love. The purpose of celebrity spot lighting is to distort your views on what a real person is and what a real relationship with someone should be like. Sports and music events are designed to give you a quick gate into alliance with someone that lasts for hours. You can talk about all these things for days and feel like you’ve made a connection, but really you haven’t. There is much more to being a human being than what you observe, the data you collect, the opinions that you form, and the skills you’ve acquired. I am going to find out what that is and I am going to share it with someone.

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Don't Lose Me

Please don't lose faith in the power of connecting with people. I know it hurts right now, and I know you really wanted him to be something real in your life, but not everyone you let in is meant to be there. Maybe we should reevaluate what it means to be "best friends". Yes you were compatible in many ways, and yes you had wonderful times and memories that there is nothing wrong with keeping cherished. No it is not a good idea to let him back into your life, but you don't have to block out the past or erase the good times. I don't even think that that would be healthy. Let it hurt, it will heal. Its a good thing, you decided to cut him off for a reason, and we both know it has nothing to do with how angry it makes you. I'm sure you relied on him too much anyway. I don't think its healthy for you to spend every single night with one person and and you don't need to keep him around as a safe goat when you go to parties. Maybe you could be my "best friend" and we could make some real friends. There is no need to punish yourself, he made his own choices.

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[0riginal]

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Friends.

You are constantly trying to fool yourself into believing that things will work out and things will fall into place. You somehow believe that if you try hard enough you could convince him the same. You should probably stop that and quit wasting your time going out with "safe" people. Waiting around for him isn't going to get you anywhere except lonely and hurt. Maybe if you stopped putting so much into it you wont feel so put out. Lock your door, don't text good night, and whatever you do don't fall for it again.

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hoop with feeling. be who you are every second that you change.

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remember to practice more illusions and relax while hooping. The point of dancing is enjoyment.