I don’t know how many people have read the early scripts for Twilight, but they got a guy named Mark V. Lord to write one draft, and I can only assume he took one look at this sparking vampire bullshit and decided “fuck it, I’m making a Blade movie.”
I know no one cares, but they dropped a ton of useless characters, so the vampires are just Edward, Esme, Laurent, and Carlisle. Laurent goes rogue because the Thirst always wins, and the bodies start hitting the floor. Bella’s mom? Dies of cancer in the first five. And she’s one of the lucky ones. Bella’s BFF? Outie.
THEN she becomes a vampire monster.
Plus badass shit like Grand Theft Auto.
Bella ain’t so awkward when she’s rocking a shotty.
Carlisle gets rocked.
Mustache Dad? Taken hostage and then fucking rocked.
Bella turns into fucking Sarah Connor and wrecks shit.
Edward nearly gets his shit pushed in before Bella takes Laurent out with a fucking bear trap.
Five fucking movies before Bella becomes a vampire? Fuck it, she gets vamped at the end of the first damn movie.
Where would this fuck’n awesomeness go from there? Vampire T-rexes? Frankenstein pirates? A Chow Yun-Fat werewolf duel-wielding Berettas? All I know is that here on Earth Bullshit, we got stiffed with vampire movies where the only thing getting bitten was Kristen Stewart’s lip.
Makes you very grateful for the Twilight film that we got. The win is with almost all the Cullen’s cut from the story only Esme and Carlisle make it into the film with Edward; the bad news is that Carlisle doesn’t survive and neither does Charlie. The gun battles, the bear trap, Laurent as the villain, and Bella becomes a vampire at the end also make for a screenplay for a film we are glad was never produced called “Twilight.”
















