and watch how i talk

a therapeutic outlet for ex-jehovah’s witness rambling

[watchhowiwalk]

hello !

this is a new blog and i have approx zero followers but this is my space to vent and laugh and cry about my time as an jehovah’s witness and all the ways that it has impacted me into the adult i am today.

if you’re reading this, thank u for being interested in me and i hope you’ll consider following me and joining in on this journey of healing.

have a great day !!

[watchhowiwalk]

another thing i have been thinking about recently is how much i miss the community i grew up in. obviously i don’t miss being a jw, but i miss the frequent gatherings, the picnics, the barbecues in the park, the friends i would see multiple times a week. i miss having that automatic sense of belonging.

i’ve found sense of belonging in a group of friends i trust but i have to be honest with myself that i’m envious of those who have a large community like that.

i think i’ll always quietly be desiring that.

[watchhowiwalk]

i often think about how much time was spent eating the “christianly food”. 6 hours per week at meetings, 3 hours family study a week, 1 hour personal study a week, 15 minute daily text reading with breakfast, prayers at every meal, prayers before bed, 5 hours of ministry a week, assemblies, conventions, even just discussions with other jw’s that centred around the jw world.

it’s astonishing to think about how much we had to sacrifice to get all of this done.

i think about how many films we didn’t have time to watch, the board games that never got played, the cakes that never got made. the time that could have spent playing with school friends, making up imaginary stories. hell, even just the time that could’ve been spent doing homework or chores.

these are the things i grieve as i get older and understand the magnitude of a childhood lost. it’s not just the birthdays and the christmases - it’s all the moments in between. an unfathomable loss.

[creature-wizard]

Contempt for nonbelievers is a red flag in any form of spirituality.

[watchhowiwalk]

i left the cult over 13 years ago and i still struggle with halloween.

every time october comes around i tell my friends that i’m “not really a halloween person” and it seems to suffice. a handful of people know that the truth is that the ghosts and the skeletons and the demons and the angels and the graves put me immediately into fight or flight.

my heart races and my palms get sweaty. i start to think my heart is going to suddenly stop, that my lungs just don’t have enough air in them anymore. that the headache in the side of my temple is an aneurysm. i can’t relax and i have to go home.

i thought that after 13 years, i would be able to look at a fucking pumpkin or a decorative spiderweb and not panic. but the deep wound of fear-based obedience that is inflicted on a young child in a cult is not one that is easily cauterised.

but then again, it’s november now and i can breathe again. i’ll be okay.

[tower-fall-deactivated20230202]

[watchhowiwalk]

did anyone else have a kingdom melody that you just thought went hard as fuck.

mine were life without end at last, and keep your eyes on the prize. bangers !

[watchhowiwalk]

when you’re a kid in a cult, you grow up fast and slow at the same time.

i grew up fast. i was knocking on doors since i could speak, giving presentations in front of 600 people from age 10, engaging with literature well above my age level, having discussions with adults about what happens when we die since age 6.

but i grew up slow. i didn’t have a friend who showed me unconditional love until i went to high school, i didn’t know what my own body parts were called until i was well into puberty, i didnt know how to talk or connect to people my own age at all.

you grow up fast and slow under a cult, and it feels impossible to accept that both can be true at the same time.