Watching Every Jeff Goldblum Movie

...and rating them on Goldblum Presence, Goldblum Hotness, and the all-important Goldbluminess.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Twisted Obsession: 7/10 Goldblums

Twisted Obsession (1989)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

Jeff Goldblum has a series of ill-advised liaisons in this deeply unerotic thriller.

Goldblum presence: 10/10

As if being in every scene weren’t enough, he also supplies an unwieldy narration.

Goldblum hotness: 3/10

Points deducted for terrible hair, casual ableism, dubious consent, and unfortunately prolific use of the word “suck” in a sexual context.

Goldbluminess: 8/10

There are apparently no pianos in Paris, but at least he’s a full foot taller than everyone else in this film.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Hotel Artemis: 5/10 Goldblums

Hotel Artemis (2018)

Total Goldblum Rating: 5/10

Jeff Goldblum, the “Wolf King,” seeks medical attention at the Hotel Artemis, a secret cyberpunk hospital for hot assassins, rueful gangsters, and Charlie Day.

Goldblum presence: 2/10

The movie is already halfway over when he shows up, and he’s in all of two scenes before a sheet is thrown over his face and he is never seen again.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

A little bloody and a little creepy--he calls Jodie Foster “baby doll” and believes he must drown, or “return to the ocean,” anyone who steals from him--yet still, ultimately, seductive.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

One can only be so tall while lying on a gurney, but he manages.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom: 4/10 Goldblums

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018)

Total Goldblum Rating: 4/10

Jeff Goldblum spends one day on set for a movie that stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as it could and before it even knew what it had, it patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now it’s SELLING it, it wants to SELL it.

Goldblum presence: 1/10

Please.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

Eh.

Goldbluminess: 5/10

Ugh.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Well, 10/10 for Goldblum presence.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

The Sentinel: 4/10 Goldblums

The Sentinel (1977)

Total Goldblum Rating: 4/10

Jeff Goldblum appears briefly as a photographer in this 1970s film about the horrors of Catholicism, lesbians, and Brooklyn.

Goldblum presence: 2/10

He takes some pictures; he eats some snacks; he carries around a woman beset by demons.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

Photograph me like one of your French girls.

Goldbluminess: 1/10

Yes, he’s tall. Yes, he gesticulates wildly. However: He is DUBBED OVER with SOMEONE ELSE’S VOICE THROUGHOUT THE FILM. What happened here? Did the director just go, “Whoa, whoa, stop playback. What’s going on with the kid playing the photographer? Is that his real voice? It’s too weird, Bernie. Get the ADR guy on this pronto. Make him sound more normal, and less like a hesitant yet seductive philosophy major.”

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Isle of Dogs: 3/10 Goldblums

Isle of Dogs (2018)

Total Goldblum Rating: 3/10

Jeff Goldblum, member of Wes Anderson’s pack of oddball actors, is Duke, member of Trash Island’s pack of oddball dogs.

Goldblum presence: 3/10

He’s only present for roughly a third of the film, but Duke’s love of gossip helps him stand out among his brethren.

Goldblum hotness: 1/10

He’s a dog.

Goldbluminess: 4/10

Why a Husky? Why not a Great Dane, or a Borzoi?

BONUS ROUND: +2 to Goldbluminess

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Jeff Goldblum Trivia Night: 10/10 Goldblums

The Gold Standard: Jeff Goldblum Tribute and Trivia (2018)

Total Goldblum Rating: 10/10

Attendees answered questions about Jeff Goldblum’s career, identified obscure film clips, and played “pin the glasses on the Jeff" in this extremely Brooklyn event, which I won.

Goldblum presence: 10/10

Did I Tyler Durden this event?

Goldblum hotness: 10/10

There was a very excellent video montage set to “I’m Too Sexy.”

Goldbluminess: 10/10

What a great evening. I brought home three St. Jeff candles and a creepy shower curtain.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

"Host Wendy Mays will be your Goldblum guide, as you watch favorite clips and montages (Jeff Goldblum jazz night, anyone?), team up with your friends and other fans through 3 rounds of Goldblum trivia, and participate in a series of Goldblum games! The night will be capped off with an impression contest (costumes encouraged,) where the winner will walk away with a Jeff Goldblum shower curtain. (Other prizes and giveaways will be rewarded throughout the night.)"

I’ve been training for this for eight years.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

So I won

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

"Host Wendy Mays will be your Goldblum guide, as you watch favorite clips and montages (Jeff Goldblum jazz night, anyone?), team up with your friends and other fans through 3 rounds of Goldblum trivia, and participate in a series of Goldblum games! The night will be capped off with an impression contest (costumes encouraged,) where the winner will walk away with a Jeff Goldblum shower curtain. (Other prizes and giveaways will be rewarded throughout the night.)"

I’ve been training for this for eight years.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

A Bonus Clip

From The Three Little Pigs, presented free of context

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

The Three Little Pigs: 4/10 Goldblums

Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre: The Three Little Pigs (1985)

Total Goldblum Rating: 4/10

Jeff Goldblum huffs, puffs, and blows houses down in this deeply unwatchable live-action fairy tale.

Goldblum presence: 3/10

Despite being the most (only?) entertaining part of this 52-minute episode, the Big Bad Wolf has far less screen time than the grotesque pigs do.

Goldblum hotness: 2/10

They gave him a snout.

Goldbluminess: 6/10

Wolf: Hello? Pig?

Pig: Come back later, I’m busy!

Wolf: No, this is it, let’s go, open up.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Zambezia: 1/10 Goldblums

Zambezia (2012)

Total Goldblum Rating: 1/10

Jeff Goldblum phones it in as the mustachioed leader of the elite military corps of the Bird City of Zambezia.

Goldblum presence: 1/10

He is neither physically in this nor essential to the plot.

Goldblum hotness: 1/10

He’s a bird.

Goldbluminess: 1/10

Who cast Jeff Goldblum as General Shouty McFatbird?

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Thor: Ragnarok Press Circuit: 10/10 Goldblums

Thor: Ragnarok Press Circuit (2017)

Jeff Goldblum spoons Taika Waititi and leads countless interviewers on astonishing tangents during his press tour for Thor: Ragnarok. 

Goldblum presence: 10/10

Goldblum hotness: 10/10

Goldbluminess: 10/10

From: IBT, GQ, Yahoo

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Thor: Ragnarok: 8 of 10 Goldblums

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

Total Goldblum Rating: 8 of 10

You are now about to meet the Grandmaster. Congratulations. Prepare yourself.

Goldblum presence: 5/10

His role is small in duration but large in impact, and also in the size of his giant hologram.

Goldblum hotness: 8/10

He’s a little murdery, but he has a whole spaceship just for orgies.

Goldbluminess: 10/10

Does he... have a hologram of himself playing keyboards and singing, “It’s my birthday!” on his orgy ship?

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

A Bonus Photo

From Nashville, Presented Free of Context

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

Nashville: 6 of 10 Goldblums

Nashville (1975)

Total Goldblum Rating: 6/10

“Jeff Goldblum is the cycle freak who’s everywhere the action is” in this Robert Altman masterpiece featuring an Oscar-winning original song and also a song by Gary Busey.

Goldblum presence: 4/10

He appears throughout the film, but very briefly and completely silently.

Goldblum hotness: 7/10

21-year-old Jeff Goldblum spends the entire movie wearing an explorer hat and a sparkly blazer with a silver snake on it.

Goldbluminess: 10/10

...just kidding. It’s a film about the music industry and he never comes anywhere near a piano. 8/10.

[watchingeveryjeffgoldblummovie]

The Right Stuff: 7 of 10 Goldblums

The Right Stuff (1983)

Total Goldblum Rating: 7/10

After recruiting test pilots as NASA’s first astronauts, Jeff Goldblum repeatedly runs down a darkened hallway to inform LBJ what the Russians are doing.

Goldblum presence: 3/10

His scenes were memorable, but they were a drop in the bucket of this THREE HOUR AND TWELVE MINUTE FILM.

Goldblum hotness: 9/10

30-year-old Jeff Goldblum looks truly excellent in the ‘60s suits. One point docked for an extended “nerds barfing on an aircraft carrier” scene.

Goldbluminess: 9/10

Nobody wears Harry Shearer’s too-short jacket, runs down a long hallway, or tries to frantically pitch circus performers as the first astronauts like baby Jeff Goldblum.