never wanted to post anything anime/manga related on this blog but i need to let it out (even if no one gonna read this ever.)
I stumbled on mha in middle school, as I started getting interested in anime (I never was before.) I think it was the first anime I watched, that made the thought came to my mind: 'Is this the kind of anime about boys falling in love?' I didn't knew it was called yaoi back then, but because of how chronically online I was, I knew something like that existed. I had no idea then, that I gonna turn out gay. I never thought about that as a kid or at the beginning of my teenage years. Like I never thought, am I straight? Am I gay or what I am, I had other shit on my mind.
But anyway, I googled 'are Bakugo and Midoriya in love?' And so, I saw, what was happening in the MHA fandom and it… I don’t even know how to call, what it did to my not fully developed brain. I saw video of people in cosplay of mha's characters, pretending to gave birth, very questionable fan arts and I, as a teenage boy was like, 'nah, this is some crazy, insane shit, this is why kids a few years older than me makes fun of weebs'. After seeing that, I decided to block everything related to this anime, all related hashtags and so on. I mean, I don't remember if there even was blocking hashtags option back then on tumblr and twitter at all, but if I saw something related to mha, I blocked the profile that posted it and clicked the option that I wasn't interested in it, so that the algorithm wouldn't show it to me. Like, I hated what I saw that one time, and maybe I was worry, some shit like that gonna pop out, when I gonna watch youtube with my friends and, always being the overthinker, I put this idea in my mind, my friends gonna assume I watch shit similar to this.
But despite all this, the thought remained in my head, that the green one and the blond one would actually be cute together. Teenage boy, with this little thought in his head, 'well those two male characters would actually be cute together.' Like, I knew something was off with me, since I cried my eyes out as a nine-year-old, because I heard some fat politician in TV saying, gay people are less then humans. For a long time I tried to figure out, why I felt so sad every time I heard something homophobic. I felt the same with all kinds of xenophobia, and no, my parents weren’t and aren’t some kind of 'love all' hippies or 'everyone’s equal' leftists, I would call them centrist. I’m never was and am not one. Still, I’m pretty grateful my mom didn’t plant some hatred in my head. My old man, it’s hard to say really, like my parents were/are married, my old man lived with me and my mother in one small apartment, we spent weekends together when he was off work sometimes but he didn’t really raise me. I don’t know what is wrong with him, I spent way too much of my life wondering about that, but let’s just say he never left but was never present either. I'm writing all this, because I actually don't know if he has any opinions about anything at all. Like, I have no idea what he thinks about gay people. But he comes from such a background, that taught him homophobic/racist language and I have no idea, if he even knows that there are other words, and that the ones he uses are extremely homophobic and racist (I don’t have a contact with him no more, but those are my reflections on my teenage self and he was a part of my life then.) When I graduated to middle school, my sadness at xenophobia turned to anger, as it goes for boys around this age, all my "sorrows" turned into anger. And then I began wonder, why homophobia and racism pissed me off so much. It wasn’t something my parents passed at me. No one around me had similar worldview, I didn't knew a single openly gay person. By that time, I spoke with only two non-white kids I meet randomly playing outside with my friends once. They didn’t speak my mother tongue, only English and me and my friends were eight at the time. We had English at school but we knew only how to say a few words. We played and had fun anyway. But all my classmates, kids my age from my neighborhood didn't have the same views as me, obviously we were older then eight, when we began discuss such topics. They either said they never really thought about it or they repeated their parents' words, which were the opposite of what I believed/believe. So I started thinking, whether the reason, I feel this anger towards xenophobia, was because I am part of the LGBTQ+ community. And then I thought I also feel this anger when someone is racist and I'm white so it can't be that.
After bkdk came different male characters from fiction that I shipped. Entire first year of middle school I wondered the fuck was it about. Why gay relationships invested me so much. And in the second grade of middle school I developed this huge crush on my male classmates and suddenly I knew, I’m gay, I’m totally fucked. Anyway, this post is about bkdk, let’s go back to that topic.
My every interest, like show/topic/book/whatever last usually from 2 to 6 months and then I forget, unless something new comes out like new season / next book or something like that. Then I come back to that topic but if something ended, there never gonna be new material of that topic, I forget. Same goes for ships. Lately I checked my note app and I don’t remember anything about half ships I wrote about ( because I started writing fanfics in the middle school and I write them to this day.) So, since I saw mha this first time and then was like 'I don’t wanna see anything from this anime ever again,' every few months I went to a book store that also had manga and I checked, what was going on in mha, and I ate all bkdk's interactions up. I don’t know when exactly but a few years later, I already knew they won’t make them canon but I was like 'does the author write them so gay on purpose? is it a queer-baiting?'
I think about a month ago I saw the ending of the manga (translated by fans I guess.) And the green one and blond one… let me tell you. I don’t know if author did it on purpose, but he couldn’t write them more gay in my opinion. I don’t know how to phrase it properly but even by not making them canon, he made them even more canon??? like love is so obviously there. I am an adult now, been for some good time now. I can read just fine and I dare to say, I can even understand what I read pretty well. THE LOVE IS SO OBVIOUSLY THERE. And before someone says 'yeah brotherly love' just stfu. You don’t need to be gay to understand the difference. The yearning, the longing, god. As a gay person I can only say, I don’t think the author could write them more gay then, making one of them "not so bluntly" confess his feelings to the other, and other going to the woman, because that seems like right thing to do.
After writing all this, I'm starting to think that the author must have done it on purpose. because of the woman Midoriya went to. Her having those dreams about another woman since high school to… I don’t remember how old they were at the end. Twenty something (25?). Like, this is a lesbian, Midoriya. What a lavender marriage set up is this?
Anyway that’s a story of the first ever gay ship I was hooked on.
titsay
kianamaiart
baratheonpilled
pixelskylines
izzy806
origamiaround
