fantasies. @watchmefadeintoblack - Tumblr Blog

I was thinking of you this morning. Hope you are well.

Unfortunately I am very much not :/

#personal #ask #but thank you #I haven’t really been on tumblr in so long I forgot my usual tags for stuff lol

Sometimes I feel too anxious to be alive

#I never did an update sorry #I just have been super very unwell :/#and last night was really bad ://#I do think my dreams make it worse

watchmefadeintoblack

Sometimes I feel too anxious to be alive

#I know I have been gone a bit #Sorry about that :/#I plan to make a sort of updateish post… sometime soon lol

watchmefadeintoblack

If you’ve ever sent me a nice message in my asks (anon or not) and I didn’t post it, it’s because I keep them in my inbox to read for when I feel bad ♥️

watchmefadeintoblack

Sometimes I feel too anxious to be alive

highvictoriana-blog

Duvelleroy lace fan, c. 1885.

honeydewdrops333

what doesn’t kill you makes your nervous system more sensitive for the rest of your life

ymutate

Charles Vickery (American, 1913–1998)

"Waves Crashing on the Coast", 1980.

Oil on Canvas, 75.2 × 58.4 cm.

Private Collection.

I had a dream I had a nice cute boyfriend (even though we were in the fucking mall area scenario) and when I woke up I got really sad because I realized that the only kind of romance or physical affection I’ll get is just in my dreams. So it’s like even when I do finally have a sort of nice dream, I just get so sad when I wake up after, because it makes me feel even more lonely.

I’ve just been trying to not let myself think things will work out for me in that way, because honestly, it feels more like insanity than hope at this point that things would work out.

#personal #i am pathetically horrifically painfully lonely for physical companionship #and not even for sex or kissing (although those would be nice)#just being held would break me #I don’t know the last time I had an actual hug #And I’m tired of having dreams of friends I had in fucking high school I don’t talk to anymore or haven’t seen in years #It’s truly like I have no escape anymore because sleep/my dreams didn’t use to be like this #plus also I don’t believe I deserve the love/relationship I want so there’s that too #I feel stupid because I never wanted to be alive but I always thought it would be nice to at least have a person before I died #Like to experience happiness and romance with someone I mean #But I don’t think I’m a person who’s meant for that #It’s unfortunate and makes me sad and I cry pretty much every day about it but it is what it is

watchmefadeintoblack

If you’ve ever sent me a nice message in my asks (anon or not) and I didn’t post it, it’s because I keep them in my inbox to read for when I feel bad ♥️

#thank you a lot ♥️

:(

I just wish I didn’t have to be me.

#personal #sometimes I think I could have been really successful or done great things if I wasn’t how/who I am #if I wasn’t mentally ill and physically ill all my life what kind of person would I have been or life would I have had #It doesn’t matter because it can’t be changed and is too late #It’s just unfortunate that I had to be me / how I am #I feel like I’ve just disappointed everyone #I feel that’s all I ever do

I feel pretty decided that I want to end my life after my cat passes away. I have no idea when that will be, and as much as I want to end it now, I decided I will wait for her passing first.

#personal #so now I’m in this weird waiting zone feeling #because I want her to have a nice happy long life #but also every moment I am conscious I wish I was not alive #I genuinely do not want to experience life anymore and am just waiting to kill myself basically #I’ve accepted that’s what my life is lol and it’s absolutely excruciating #she will be 11 in September but I know indoor cats can live pretty long and last vet check last year they said she was in very good health #every time I think about doing it now I just think of the ending of ‘jurassic bark’ and seymour #except my cat is waiting in my room after my death and there is no way for her to see me again #and thinking of her just spending the rest of her years waiting hurts me more than my physical & other emotional & mental pain #So I can’t yet even though I really really want to #I do believe it’s too late for me and the life I had was just…. the life I had #I think about it all and just think ‘huh so that was my life’#I really do love my parents and I am so lucky and grateful for them honestly truly I am #but lately I find myself constantly thinking/feeling ‘why did you have to make me be alive? Why did you do this to me?’#I mean I know they didn’t know I’d be all fucked up & how life would be for me so I’m not actually upset at them or anything at all #I just…. wish I never had to exist at all #literally my entire life I have had physical and mental health problems that have only gotten horrifically worse #And it seems there are no cures or betterments for me physically or for my brain bullshit #every day I just struggle to get through the day & then at night whenever I do manage to get sleep my dreams aren’t very pleasant #Or if they are pleasant I wake up feeling so sad because it wasn’t real and I’m still so lonely and alone

watchmefadeintoblack

Sometimes I feel too anxious to be alive

#I really really hate it

martysimone

Kiki de Montparnasse | Lace Inset • blue silk + black eyelash lace

pathologising

one thing about me is that I am going to cry

th0rns

silence

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