Harry Struggles with OCD (mild angst)
AN: please note ocd is very complex and everyone who has it could show different characteristics of the disorder. everyone's ocd can present differently. i don't have ocd, well i'm diagnosed with ocd as of yet, so i'm not an expert on the type of ocd i wrote harry having. so please keep that in mind when reading. i normally don't write things about medical disorders because i feel i'm not knowledgeable enough but i got inspired. hope you enjoy and please leave your feedback. xoxo
This story contains: mentions of mental health, struggling with mental health and ocd, panic attack, comfort, fluff, mild angst
{ boyfriend!harry - soft!harry - any harry era - AU!harry }
word count- 2,845
After his blind date with you goes so well, he continues seeing you while trying to hide his OCD, until he can't anymore.
Harry is about to have a women over to his house for the first time in over a year. Following the breakup with his last girlfriend, who left him because of his compulsive nature, he'd been wary of dating for a while. However, after being single for more than a year, he decided to confront his fears and dive back into the dating world. A close friend of his told him about a very nice girl he worked with who was also single. So, his friend set up a blind date for them.
The date was successful. Harry was quite nervous during most of it, but he hoped you didn't pick up on that. You enjoyed a meal at a small cafe and then made your way to a large pond in the center of London to watch the swans and ducks swim. It was a beautiful and simple setting for a first date.
In the week after your first date, you'd been texting each other on and off. The texts were casual, asking about each others days and including the occasional goodnight message. Since you got along so well, Harry was eager to set up a second date, and you immediately agreed. You found Harry to be quite charming and handsome. He was not only incredibly attractive, but also very kind and respectful. You could sense that he was nervous during your first date, but you were also feeling nervous, which helped to calm you, knowing that you were both in the same situation.
After thinking long and hard, Harry decided to invite you to his home for a second date. He was filled with various anxieties. One of his worries was whether the invitation to his house was too forward, possibly implying that he was looking for sex. In reality, it was more about wanting a laid-back second date where he could prepare a meal and enjoy your company. He hoped you'd view it as the latter, though he wouldn't be opposed to sex on the second date, especially considering how well you both connected during your first date and through your text conversations.
The main worry for Harry though was how he'd act. He's been diagnosed with OCD (obsessive convulsive disorder). This condition can manifest in various ways and may appear differently for each individual. In Harry's case, his OCD drives him to desire neatness and order. His home is exceptionally tidy, and he prefers to maintain control over the placement of all items.
For instance, his shoes must be perfectly aligned by the front entrance, as he never wears outdoor shoes inside his home. Or how he always keeps two decorative pillows on his couch. No more, no less. When he's out in public settings, he can hide his OCD pretty well, but at his home, its where his OCD is most present.
A lot of his compulsive ways are things even Harry himself can't explain. He genuinely does not understand why he feels compelled to arrange things in a specific manner, or do things a certain way. When he was younger, he was aware of these compulsions, but it was only after college that he received a formal diagnosis of OCD.
As a result of his OCD, the majority of his relationships have failed, because few were willing to tolerate his ways. Harry often tried to have a more relaxed attitude and not be concerned about the placement of the cups in the dishwasher, yet the anxiety he experienced when he didn't fix the cup placement his previous girlfriends did when washing up after dinner, would make him physically ill.
So Harry made a promise to himself; that if he brought a new girl over, he'd try his best to not let his OCD get in the way. He'd hate to scare you off on the second date.
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When you get to Harry's house, you can't help but notice how lovely the outside appears. It's a white townhouse with a black door and a small garden located beneath the front window. Very simple, yet endearing. You parallel park in front of his house and walk along the pathway that leads to his door. After taking a deep breath to calm your nerves, you knock on the door three times. Just as your fist departs from the door after the third knock, the door swings open, and Harry greets you.
"Hi Y/n, so glad you could make it." he speaks carefully, trying not to show his nerves, just like on the first date. He steps right outside the doorstep to reach in for a hug, which you accept.
Once he pulls back, you reply, "Hi Harry, and thank you. I'm excited for tonight. I really enjoyed our first date."
When Harry notices that you're still positioned in his doorway, he shyly invites you in. Before you enter however, he shares his number one rule. This rule is quite standard in many people's homes, so he doesn't expect it to scare you off. "Come in, come in. Just, if you wouldn't mind, could you please leave your shoes by the wall at the entrance? I generally don't like outside shoes in my house."
You offer a polite smile and follow his directions without a second thought. Given the amount of filth you've probably encountered today in the city, you don't blame him for wanting to avoid having your shoes track that into his home. After removing your shoes and looking around, you notice that his home is exceptionally tidy and smells lovely.
"You can have a seat at the table over there. I've just finished the food. Hope you like pasta." Harry nods to his small dinning room table. As you walk over, you see two plates of what looks like spaghetti bolognese with two glasses of red wine.
"Oh it looks lovely, Harry. And yes, I do love pasta." you state as you approach the table to take a seat. Perhaps you should have asked which seat was yours, but since both plates looked the same, you didn't think it was necessary. Harry on the other hand wants to correct you. He wishes to tell you that you are in his seat—the one he always chooses.
He holds back the urge to correct you, remembering that this is a second date and he wants to make a good impression on you. He doesn't want to scare you off with his OCD. So, he takes a deep breath and sits across from you. His body feels slightly uneasy in the chair that's so unfamiliar to him, but a small part of his brain, which acts as his voice of reason, reassures him that this is such a non-issue.
You enjoy the delicious pasta and sip wine as you chat about random topics. By the middle of the dinner, Harry has entirely forgotten that he's not seated in his usual chair. Your conversations have calmed his mind. After finishing your meal, Harry collects your plates and places them in the dishwasher, while inviting you to sit on his sofa in the living room. You move to the living room while you wait for his return.
The rest of the evening was spent talking on his couch, drinking more wine, and having a short make-out session towards the end of the night. All in all, the second date was a success. Harry's OCD was triggered only once, and it wasn't really your fault. You weren't even aware that you had done anything wrong.
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After a month of seeing each other, you both made your relationship official. You were now officially girlfriend and boyfriend. While this scared Harry because of the trauma from his previous relationship, he senses that you're different. You're not even aware of his OCD, yet you treat him with kindness and understanding.
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You first realized something was up when Harry had a panic attack after you washed his bed sheets without his consent. The night before, you had some amazing sex and fell asleep before changing the bedding. When you woke up the next morning and Harry wasn't next to you, you decided to remove all the bedding and carry it to his laundry room, thinking it was the polite thing to do since you're the one who got the most bodily fluids on the sheets the night before.
Harry wrote you a note to let you know that he'd gone out to get some fresh croissants from a nearby bakery and would be back shortly. As he quietly unlocked the front door after arriving back home, thinking you were still asleep, he instantly heard it. Harry heard the sounds of his washing machine running. Panic filled him. He doesn't like anyone using his washing machine. Only he knows the right settings to select and the exact amount of soap to apply. He also knows which items can be washed together and which should be washed separately.
He places the croissants on the kitchen counter and rushes to the laundry room. As he steps in, he sees his comforter bunched up on the floor next to the washing machine, which is currently running, likely with his sheets inside. The idea of you taking care of his dirty bedding is sweet in retrospect, but his brain is not thinking clearly at this moment.
He quickly leaves the laundry room and rushes up the stairs to find you. When Harry opens his bedroom door, he sees you making his bed with a spare set of sheets he had in his hall closet. Little did you know, Harry doesn't often change his sheets. He just washes the same pair until they become holey. This was likely due to a comfort preference. The familiarity of settling into the same sheets each night provided him with a sense of peace.
"Oh my God Y/n, what've you done?" Harry says way too harshly, but his chest is getting tighter and he feels seconds away from not being able to breath.
At first, you didn't notice his irritated tone. While still turned away from him, tucking the corner of the sheets in, you reply, "Thought I would help wash your bedding. I made quite the mess on them last night, thanks to you." A grin begins to form on your face as you recalled the previous night's events, but it quickly faded when you turned to face Harry. His expression shows anger, yet his body language seems to be asking for help.
"You, you.... didn't a....ask. Oh my God, you.... what have you....." he cuts himself off with a wheeze, and that's when you notice he's having a panic attack. You carefully walk up to him, frowning from his words, but your actions shows that you're there to help him.
Harry begins hyperventilating and points to his mouth and throat, barley muttering, "I... I can't b-reath."
You collect his sweaty hands into yours and lead him over to the edge of the bed. Once he's sat, you kneel in front of him and softly speak, "Hey, it's okay, follow me. Deep breath in, and deep breath out. Deep breath in, and deep breath out. Good, keep going. Deep breath in, deep breath out." Harry follows your breathing exercise, and after a minute he finally feels like he can somewhat breath again.
Before he has a chance to apologize, you begin apologizing, for not realizing you changing his sheets would trigger him this much. "Harry, I am so sorry. I, I should have asked first. I wasn't thinking. I thought I was doing you a favor but if I - "
Harry cuts you off with a harsh tone, but this time he doesn't mean for it to come out so harshly. He's more mad at himself than anything. "No, don't apologize. It's.......... it's... fuck, I have somethin' I've been keepin' from you and I guess now is the perfect time to tell you. Just been nervous with how you'll react because m'past girlfriends never understood and never tried to help me and.... and I want to get better, I do. It's just hard."
"What is it, Harry? You can tell me. I won't judge you or be mad." Now you were getting impatient. What kind of secret has he been hiding from you?
Taking a deep breath, Harry spits out with teary eyes, "I've got OCD. Diagnosed OCD. Was diagnosed right after college. It's different for everyone, but mine makes me feel a need to do things a certain way, have things organized in a certain way. I like to be in control a lot. I hate being this way. I've been tryin' to suppress these OCD triggers since we started seeing each other because I didn't want to scare you away. Like I apparently did with my last girlfriend. It's just so hard." A sob escapes him after speaking.
You frown with sympathy. You knew Harry definitely had a type A personality, with how clean and organized he kept his house, but you never realized the reason behind it or to what extreme he took it to. "Shhh, it's okay, Harry. No need to get worked up. Thank you for telling me." You lace your fingers with his and get up off the floor to sit beside him on the bed. "Now, so I can understand, can you share with me what about me changing your sheets triggered you? Was it because you normally like doing it yourself? Or did I do it all wrong?"
You're being so kind and understanding, and it almost makes Harry even more emotional. "Um, you're gonna think m'crazy."
You let out a soft laugh and reply, "No I won't, silly. I just want to understand so I don't trigger you anymore. I would like to learn your triggers so I can prevent them."
"Well, it's just, I use a very specific amount of soap and a very specific setting on my machine. Then I sorta never use other sheets. The pair in the washer right now is the only pair I use. They're just the perfect amount of soft and I like the way they feel."
"But you have a whole shelf of folded sheets in the hall closet."
Shaking his head, Harry explains, "Don't use them for my bed. Only spare rooms if I have guest over. Or if I absolutely have to, I will use them on my bed, but that's rare."
You give a soft smile in understanding before asking, "Can you share more of your OCD triggers. Or things your OCD makes you do?"
Finally having calmed down from his crying, Harry takes a shuddered breath and answers, "Well, I don't allow outside shoes in m'house. That's why I ask you to line your shoes up by the front door. I keep a certain amount of pillows on m'couch at all times. I have to organize the dishwasher a certain way. And um, I didn't want to bring it up, but on our second date when I cooked for you, you sort of sat in my normal chair at the table. But that wasn't your fault for not knowing."
"Okay, those are good things to know. And sorry about taking your seat. You should have spoke up. I would have moved if I'd known."
"Baby, it's really okay. Honestly, it was great exposure therapy for me."
"Speaking of therapy," you hesitantly speak before continuing, "have you ever been to therapy? Or tried to get medicine that would help your OCD?" Harry shakes his head no, almost embarrassed to admit he's never sought out professional help. Maybe if he had sought out help earlier, his last relationship would have worked out. "Hey, that's okay. I can help you. If you want. Help you set up a doctors appointment and we can look into therapy for you. I'll also help you at home. Just gotta let me know what to do and what not to do."
"You don't realize how much this means to me, Y/n. I've struggled with this for so long, and to know I could get help makes me feel a little lighter inside." Harry's shoulders sag for the first time this morning, finally letting some of the tension in his body go. Unfortunately his muscles will always hold some amount of unwanted tension.
"Glad I could help." you answer and reach in for a hug. Harry gladly hugs you back and you stay embraced for quite a few minutes before breaking to say, "So, about your sheets....."
Taking a calming breath, Harry replies back to what he knows you're asking. "Honestly, you can finish washin' my sheets and comforter. Gonna let that be exposure therapy. But unfortunately, I don't think I can bare exposure therapy by sleeping on these sheets. Sorry."
You smile, happy he's at least compromising by allowing you to finish washing his precious sheets. You don't mind having to re-strip the bed if that means Harry will feel more comfortable having his original sheets back on before tonight's sleep.
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