of the ordinary

© WaxLyrical Can be found in the sunshine on frosty days, with coffee in one hand and a book in the other

[waxlyrical-blog]

It’s 10:27 on a Monday morning. I’m sat in your office trying to stutter out words I can barely say to myself. I start with a disclaimer, just like every other time, so that if you were to say these things it won’t hurt as much - I’ll have said it first, beat you to it. “So this was really fucking stupid of me, but I thought if I forced myself into having sex, I would be able to fix myself…” You listen, whilst I take an awfully long time to say only a couple of sentences. And at the end of it, you say to me, “you don’t need fixing. You don’t need fixing because you’re. not. broken. You’re not.” I bite my tongue, I hold it in, but really all I want to do is scream. You don’t get it, I AM BROKEN. I am broken into a thousand little pieces, and please, please, can’t you help me put them back together? I need someone to let me be broken. I need someone to fix me. I’ve been trying for years, and I just can’t fix myself.

@waxlyrical ‘you’re not broken…’

[waxlyrical-blog]

Every time, as we lay together, legs intertwined, your arms protectively curled around my waist, pulling me into you. I feel the cruelty in me. The way you care and protect, offer love without ever demanding it in return, whilst I, damaged and broken, can never repay you. My inability to love you back, to give rather than take. It’s cruel. You say it’s okay, You don’t mind. But the small amount of love that I can give, knows, the most loving thing I can do is save you from me. And I never thought I’d love enough.

WaxLyrical, did I tell you that I love you?

[waxlyrical-blog]

She stands up, Shaking hands balled into fists. Don’t pick a fight with me, fear. You’ll come off worse, I’ll make sure of it. She’s up, they’re looking, anticipating speech. Talk, girl. Let it out, let it flow. You can do it, You can do it. You can’t do it, can you? Just start, once you start you won’t be able to stop. Not stop? Never stop. Once it’s out, it’s all out, Every. Goddamn. Part. She sits back down, Defeated. Fear controls her. Doesn’t matter how hard she wants to let it out, Doesn’t matter how much she needs to. Fear controls her. And you just can’t fight that.

WaxLyrical