WayLateBloomer

                              Almost PhD. Wanna be MD. Older than I look.                                Will follow from I Like Her Best of All.

[waylatebloomer]

Merry Christmas to everyone celebrating today.  Take the day if you can.  Stay safe and tell people you love them.

[waylatebloomer]

24 December, 2020

Working steadily on my full 2021 list.  I ordered a 2 volume goals/daytimer thingy with paper made from stone - which, of course I forgot it’s 2020, may or may not get here on time to start the year.  Makes me itchy when the timing for things is not just so.  That’s a future Her problem.

Today’s MUST DO - start the organization of course shells for the courses I’m teaching this semester.  Since the term was postponed due to COVID lockdowns, I have an extra week, which I am not going to waste.  I’m getting as much up, running, written, and sorted as possible to be able to work a solid 3-4 hours per day on PhD despite teaching.  If I can front load this work now, I think I can dissertate pretty regularly (with breaks during marking periods probably - because of the SOUL DESTROYING nature of poor thinking, writing, and the incessant grade grubbing require A LOT of energy).

So - today, make all the module headings and sections - course docs, weeks, supplementary stuff etc.  Won’t take long, but it’s a good thing for my brain.  Then poker.  Oh yeah, I play poker - more on that later.

Have a lovely evening, anyone who is celebrating tonight.  Merry Christmas to Christians. I wish everyone a full belly, and a peaceful heart.

[ilikeherbestofall]

My 10 Favourite Books of the Year.

Stay home and enjoy.

What are your favourites this year?

Love,

Her

[waylatebloomer]

23 December, 2020

Today’s MUST DO:  flesh out this list and set up 2021 in Notion.

Hope you are having a good day, whatever that means for you.  Baby steps.

[waylatebloomer]

Ok, done. Did it. That feels better.

Also, anyone want to buy this couch?

[waylatebloomer]

Actually let’s start tonight: this pile of laundry has been here for weeks. That shit has to go TONIGHT. That is today’s must do item. Stay tuned.

[waylatebloomer]

I’ve been working, but not diligently.  I have been MEANING to update, but it always feels like such a lot of work in the moment (accompanied by the chorus of part self defeating and part lazy justifying voices):  Why am I even doing this?  Why am I bothering?  Does this help?  Me or anyone?  I don’t know. (I’m not sliding into depression, my mood isn’t bad, I’m steady on my Prozac (all hail Prozac), etc., I’m good.  I’m just not really in love with myself at the moment.  And I want to like me again.  I want to DO SHIT.

I WANT to be accountable.  To myself first and foremost, but really to ANYONE, if that’s what it takes until I get in a good swing.  To tell the truth, I’m honestly not sure if I’ve ever been in one.  I’ve always been smart - super smart - the quick kind that hides a LOT of sins, BUT never super high achieving because I take the smartness for granted.  Since I was a kid, I could coast and pull it out at the end.  I think this is still my default.  My brain is still 10 years old some days.  I’m no different than I was as a teenager that never learned any good habits in the first place (which is where being smart is a fucking pisser BECAUSE I SEE WHAT WOULD WORK!).  I never learned to be an adulty adult.

BUT I WANT TO BE! 

I turn 50 this year. GOLDEN BIRTHDAY. I want this to be my GOLDEN YEAR.  I want to get unstuck and finish my PhD, I want to SHED THIS FUCKING WEIGHT and be healthy and fit.  I want to be unflappable, unfuckwithable, kind, and strong.  The kind of strong that glows from the inside.  I want to accomplish things,  FINISH them.  Succeed. I want the people I love to know they can count on me.

ALL OF IT starts with, surprise surprise, HABITS, namely, me ditching old habits and picking up new ones - setting up good systems. (See above - I CAN SEE IT.  Read the books. Understand the neuroscience). But what are the actual habits I want/want to ditch?  They change from time to time but I realize the habit itself is less important to me to than the ability to control myself; to be able to take or leave the habits BY CHOICE - not laziness, not fear.  I want to not squander the years and opportunities left.

So this is my intention.  Over the next couple of days, I’m writing it all down. Making a list.  I have to know what’s coming up this year already (teaching), what I want to finish (thesis, purging my house of shit I don’t want and need), how I want my days to look (up early, work out, brain productivity, connections with my people), and where I have my eye on being in 1, 5, and 10 years.

I’m obviously not at the 100 Days of Productivity place yet, so I’m letting that go for now.  Maybe I’ll circle back. What I am going to commit to is this:  I will check in here every day in the morning.  I will share the ONE THING that MUST get done that day.  I will do this for every day of the rest of this year - which I realize is one more week, but apparently I have to start small.  In the medium term, my friend has offered to be my thesis-sit-on-my-neck-er and I’m going to take him up on it (we’ve agreed on 4 January to start, because why doom myself from the beginning during holidays). 

One of the things I want to make a go of is this.  Some writing, maybe some pics, maybe some videos.  Maybe share with the rest of you who can’t quite get their shit together either.  I’d like to make age just one variable in my life, second to my will, my systems, my plans, and my ambitions. I work best working things out out loud, I think.  At least at some point in my process - there needs to be some outside work.  I hope you join me.  I would love to hear from you.  What are you working on? How are you working on it? 

See you tomorrow.

[car-one-responding-deactivated2]

I'm not gonna lie to you all.

I am so tired. I am so scared.

My nurse friends, my fellow EMTs, my girlfriend. Me. We have all dealt with this since March.

We have seen what this virus, this disease can do.

I have been told stories. First hand accounts. The ventilators. The cannulas. The faces with skin compromised from wearing PPE too long.

The bedside prayers and breakdowns in hallways. Trailers in driveways and FaceTime bedtime stories.

The mobile morgues outside the hospitals, waiting for the slaughter of the day to enter its walls.

Tagged, bagged, moving on.

Except its not.

And they won't.

...

I have heard the cries of the uninformed and the ignorant. I have seen their lies spread far and wide, through every medium known to us as humans.

"Its just a flu."

"We need to live."

"Fuck the government."

"Don't be scared of COVID."

"I want to feel normal again."

Except we're not. And we won't be.

But to them, we always are. And always have been.

Schrödinger's pandemic.

I have seen first-hand the stupidity of the human race and it makes me simultaneously want to vomit, cry, and light this place on fire.

I have heard and seen people struggle to breathe, struggle to speak, loved ones terrified and scared for their own safety as well as the person they care about, eyes wild with concern and anxiety.

Hospitals full of people, doors closed, a silent chaos that echoes like church bells.

The signs...pink, green, purple, plastered on the doors.

'STOP - Airborne precautions".

Doctors and nurses running ragged. Their eyes so tired but so focused at the same time. Wearing the same mask and the same gown since they walked in the doors.

I have listened as people, time and time again, have told me they were positive or around someone who was. Nothing happened. They waited. Nothing still happened.

And they were fine.

And they were fine.

And they were fine.

...

And then they weren't.

...

I'm done being nice about this.

We all are.

Applause means nothing if our words fall on deaf ears.

The embers turn to flames, to blazes, to an inferno.

And the audience is still watching the circus play on.

The smoke is all part of the act.

The burning flesh is just part of the show.

Isn't it?

Isn't it?

...

Fuck your feelings. Stay home. Wear a mask.

-C1

[waylatebloomer]

Put. On. Your goddam. Mask.

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

a gentle reminder that you just need to make things a tiny bit better for your future self. reading one page, writing one sentence, getting half of a task done, it’s still good.

[waylatebloomer]

ALL THE YES

[waylatebloomer]

DO NOT SNEER AT YOUR SLIGHT IMPROVEMENTS!

Days of Productivity are (more or less) going ok.  Not great.  Not the perfect aspirational version of what they should be, in my head, but ....

Day 4/100 - 4 POMOs, Day 5/100 - 3 POMOs, Day 6/100 - NO POMOs (Saturday - cleaning, and pre new lockdown grocery shopping), Day 7/100 - 3 POMOs, Day 8/100 - 2.5 POMOs (see below), Day 9/100 - 3 POMOs, Day 10/100 (Hey, 10% in, BOOYA) - 3.5 POMOs, Day 11/100 - 3 VERY HARD AND WAAAAAHHHHHH INDUCING POMOs, 

Day 12/100 - 1 x 45/15 POMO then (because of the INCESSANT AND FUCKING ANNOYING leaf blowing in my neighbourhood that is resulting in me breaking pencils and rage sighing) switched to 25/5 POMOs because my brain has NO FUCKS LEFT this week.  I’ve just finished 1, and need to do 3 more.  I’d normally say fingers crossed, but screw that, head down and Rachel Southard in the back ground, like a study-buddy.  I’m going to RAGE PUSH THROUGH.

I can honestly say, I’m working harder AT working hard and consistently than I ever have in my life.  That’s a legit win.  Not a fluffer win.  I HAVE to remind myself of that.  Berating and insulting myself for however many decades DOES NOT WORK.  Sneering at a slight improvements instead of celebrating them, has also NEVER WORKED.  So, I can say that with the exception of Saturday, I consistently put it 3 x 45/15 Pomodoros (at least) everyday.  Almost - on Monday, I did 2.5 with FULL SQUIRREL BRAIN, but I finished an entire STATS objective and went in to my lab to train a Master’s student.

I’ve stayed off social media (largely) because I’m in a distractable mindset the last little bit.

I’m taking the win.  I’m reflecting on it and trying to integrate it into my perception of myself ‘I am a person who does what she sets out to do.’  I’m taking that win, and pushing it in to the next week.  AND I AM GOING TO HAVE GIANT GLASS OF WINE AND ORDER IN after 3 more short pomodoro sessions.

Do you have a win?  Let me know and I’ll celebrate it.  For real, give yourself a pat on the back, integrate it into your thoughts about yourself, and then add another little thing.  Baby steps, buddies, THEY COUNT.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

[fsdfsfsfs]

56, 57, & 58 / 100 days of productivity

It has been messy these past few days. A lot going on globally and personally and it's been very hard to focus on anything. Despite the constant refreshing of maps to see what happens and [redacted], I've managed to:

Finish grading batch 2 of short papers

Start grading batch 3

Send so many fucking emails

Catch up on most of the background work of teaching

Work on a monthly schedule with everything happening between now and finishing the PhD in two and half or three years (which is really hard!)

The usual RA stuff

I hope everything calms down because I am falling behind on everything again. Every time I think I'm going to catch up I fall behind and it is so frustrating.

[waylatebloomer]

I absolutely FEEL THIS IN MY BONES.

[waylatebloomer]

Day 3/100

I’m a little bit seriously concerned about jinxing myself. It’s like a self sabotage program that runs automatically if I’ve done something I said I was going to do BEFORE it can fully turn into a good habit.

For instance, I have been trying to wake up early my whole life. You know that romance of the accomplished person? Gets up at 5, works out, puts herself together elegantly, kicks ass all day, blahbiddy blah blah...... Well, I could almost never do it. Until this summer, my best friend and I did it for 6 straight weeks - the get up early and work out part. Then, in true rest on my laurels form, I had to go away for a week and we left it up int air about how to continue when I got back, and gues what? NEVER HAPPENED AGAIN!

All of this is to say I DID 5 POMOs AGAIN today. Stats and viruses. And I did it despite interruptions for a meeting about a course I’m teaching and a student consult for a reference letter, and making dinner (usually making dinner was my brain’s DAY IS OVER signal). Well, not yesterday and not today. And to make sure I don’t shoot myself in the foot, I am setting my intention for tomorrow. 3 POMOs of STATS. (I’ll up the daily intention number once I successfully do 3/day for 2 weeks.). I’m telling you to keep me honest.

Anybody else have this problem? Being on the cusp of a good habit you want and then getting a bit too self congratulatory and thinking you’ve broken through, no need to worry anymore, you’re now THAT person? Then BOOM, back to old habits. What trips you up?

[neurosciencestuff]

Revving Habits Up and Down, New Insight into How the Brain Forms Habits

Each day, humans and animals rely on habits to complete routine tasks such as eating and sleeping. As new habits are formed, this enables us to do things automatically without thinking. As the brain starts to develop a new habit, in as little as a half a second, one region of the brain, the dorsolateral striatum, experiences a short burst in activity. This activity burst increases as the habit becomes stronger. A Dartmouth study demonstrates how habits can be controlled depending on how active the dorsolateral striatum is. The results are published in the Journal of Neuroscience.

In prior research at MIT, the senior author found that this burst in brain activity in the dorsolateral striatum correlated with how habitual a running maze task was for rats. The activity was found to be accentuated at the beginning and end of the maze run.

For this study, the researchers sought to manipulate this burst in brain activity in rats using a method called optogenetics. With this method, the neurons (brain cells) in the dorsolateral striatum, which have been found to be associated with forming habits, can be excited or inhibited using light. Optogenetics enables the brain cells to express a receptor that is sensitive to light, and is painless. A flashing blue light excites the brain cells while a flashing yellow light inhibits the cells and shuts them down.

Using maze running tasks, rats were trained to run in a cross-shaped maze. (There was only one rat in a maze at a time). The rats began in one of two starting arms and ran from one end of the cross and ran to the center decision point. They were trained to turn either left of right and run to the end, where a sugar pellet reward was waiting; only one arm of the cross was baited with the reward. As soon as the animals started the maze run and turned in the correct direction of where the reward was located, they received a sugar pellet reward. 

After the rats had learned the maze training runs, the optogenetics component of using the flashing color lights to manipulate the dorsolateral striatum activity, was incorporated. When the cells in the dorsolateral striatum were excited for just a half a second as the rats initiated their runs, the rats would run more vigorously and habitually on the entire maze. The habit had been formed, once the rats ran to the center of the cross-shaped maze and turned immediately towards the direction of where the reward was located. The animals would no longer stop at the center to look around, once they knew where to go. 

In contrast, when the cells where inhibited, the rats were slow and appeared to lose their habit altogether. Once they reached the center of the cross-shaped maze, they paused and would turn around a lot as though deliberating, before ultimately making their choice. Even more striking, the researchers also tested how habitual the animals were by changing the tasty reward to something not tasty. In this case, the excitation made the rats continue running by habit for the now unpleasant outcome, while the inhibition made the rats essentially refuse to run when there was no reward to gain from it.

When the researchers applied the light manipulations during the middle of the runs on another day, there was little effect. Once the rats had already set in motion the full sequence of behavior - run, turn and stop sequence -this habit appeared to dictate their actions, as if they were on auto-pilot.

“Our findings illustrate how habits can be controlled in a tiny time window when they are first set in motion. The strength of the brain activity in this window determines whether the full behavior becomes a habit or not,” explained senior author, Kyle S. Smith, an associate professor and director of graduate studies in the department of psychological and brain sciences at Dartmouth, whose lab focuses on the neuroscience of reward and action. “The results demonstrate how activity in the dorsolateral striatum when habits are formed really does control how habitual animals are, providing evidence of a causal relationship,” he added.

Gaining a better understanding of the specific role that the dorsolateral striatum plays in habit memory and other behaviors is critical. Damage to this brain area has been found to be associated with Parkinson’s disease, a neurodegenerative disorder that often affects body movement. In the study, the researchers explain how targeting the time window as to when habits are formed could be leveraged in “designing intervention strategies for humans with otherwise treatment-resistant compulsive behaviors.”

[waylatebloomer]

Day 2/100

I. DID. 5 POMODOROS!!! (Instead of the 3 I planned).

Didn’t do stats, which was my original plan. Instead, I studied (caught up on neglected) MCAT materials - a large proportion of which are also helpful review for the courses I’m teaching in January (two birds woohoo!!). PSST - your profs have to review stuff too!!!

I’m not sure what the secret was today, but the lack of pressure on myself was noticeable - I actually remembered, understood, and retained information. Rather than all my energy being siphoned by anxiety, procrastination paralysis, fear, whatever you want to call it, I was FOCUSED. WHO FUCKING KNEW??? Pipe down, well adjusted people.

It’s taken me 49 years, Prozac, and therapy, but I FINALLY understand the key to focus is a peaceful mind. That doesn’t mean stress is eliminated, or deadlines aren’t real; I just finally understand that divided attention - fear and focus - is BULLSHIT. And that a calm mind needs cultivation, and rest (even five minutes). Although I remember taking all of these classes in my undergrad, I remember also NONE of it sinking in. Wanting to CRY because I didn’t get it. Because I couldn’t. Because all the fear and self loathing sucked all the oxygen out of my brain.

Goddamit, I wish I knew this when I was 20, or even 30. My 40s have been so uneven because I ONLY JUST STARTED to get it. It took the fucking DISASTER of my early PhD, and a bunch of personal heartache, to get me to here.

Better late than never.

I’m calling it a night. Even though I have some STATS energy left, I am heeding all the advice, all the CRAWL-WALK-RUN advice, lest I end up right back in Rest On My Laurels Land right after a small victory. Anyone else familiar with that place? I want to have the energy for it tomorrow. I want to feel good again tomorrow.

So, dinner, some Bob’s Burgers, maybe some Forensic Files, and bed.

I genuinely hope you all had a victory today too. Sleep tight.

Tomorrow’s plan: 3 POMOs of stats (hopefully 2 chapters). Oh, and the NOTION update.

[waylatebloomer]

Did it. Did my 3 Pomodoros of relearning STATS. Day 1/100 a success. Well, compared to the last few weeks.

I’m also working on shutting up that little voice that keeps passive aggressively pointing out a REAL adult does more but, ‘Celebrate if you think you deserve it.’

But I’m not there yet.

In the meantime, wash, rinse, and repeat tomorrow. Adding one item - spend Pomodoro #4 working out Notion. I’m going to start listing out all the tasks that form the metric shit tonne of things I both need and want to do around the house.

Hope you had a good day. Relax and have a good night.

[waylatebloomer]

DO OVER

So, that 100 days of productivity peetered out before it even got started.  My last two months have been SUPER low energy.  I was wondering if I’m sliding down depression again.  I don’t think I am, I think I have a habit of procrastination.  A REALLY BAD habit (I don’t mean I’m judging procrastination, I mean I HAVE IT BAD). Either way, or both ways most likely, I have to get ahold of myself.  I have plans, I have things I want to accomplish, marks I want to leave on the world.  They all require my work and attention.

I’m going to come at this sideways-ish instead.  Productivity everyday for the next 100 days is daily SLIGHT improvement.  It’s what the literature says works effectively.  It’s what my therapist always brings me back to.  And I bet if I had kept up a steady journal practice, it’s what my own words would have confirmed.  

SO.  DAY 1/100 - 3 pomodoros of 45 work/15 min rest on STATISTICS.  Today.  That’s today.  Going to crank up some rain sounds, and hit it.

And I’ll check in with you later.

What’s your baby step plan for today?

[waylatebloomer]

Day 2 of 100

Slow and steady.

Yesterday, I did 4 x 45/15 Pomodoros, and I didn’t clean my bathroom, but I did do laundry.

So, since I managed 4 yesterday, today my plan is to do:

1. 4 x45/15 Pomodoros of anything on my ‘brain’ list

2. ONE item off the ‘house’ list.

3. Continue to clear out the freezer instead of overshopping, and use ONLY what we have to make a nice dinner.

4. Take a walk after dinner instead of beaching myself on the couch.

How’s your 100 Days of Progress Journey going?  Do you have any tips?  Any overall goals for your 100 days?  

Have a great day!