â this is what forever feels like x mathew barzal
strangers to lovers. sfw angst and fluff. winter on long island.
I wonder what it's like, how it feels to be loved by someone who will never leave.
Your life is a time loop of people leaving, of disappointment after disappointmentâuntil you meet the one who shows you that an ending means a better beginning is on the way.
Prologue: burn it all down
Chapter 1: to start something new
Chapter 2: crash landing (onto you)
Chapter 3: blue and orange skies
Chapter 4: you, too
Chapter 5: without the part where we give up
Chapter 6: slow down time
Chapter 7: gloves off
Chapter 8: broken circle
Chapter 9: this is what falling in love feels like
Chapter 10: happy beginning
Hi! Could I request prompt "what? you want to fuck here?" With mat barzal please
The music was loud, the bass thrumming through the club like a second heartbeat, and the air smelled like a mixture of expensive cologne, sweat, and alcohol. You had barely been able to move all night, wedged between the bar and a sea of bodies, the sticky press of heat making your skin feel electric. But none of it matteredânot when Mat was standing right in front of you, his fingers tracing the curve of your waist like he couldnât keep his hands off you.
He leaned in, his lips ghosting over the shell of your ear, voice low enough to send shivers down your spine. âYouâre driving me fucking insane, you know that?â
You smirked, pretending to sip at the drink in your hand, though your focus was entirely on him. âOh, am I?â
Matâs fingers tightened on your waist, tugging you flush against him. He was warm, solid, and way too confident for his own good. âYouâve been teasing me all night.â
You tilted your head, your fingers toying with the chain around his neck, feeling the rapid pulse beneath his skin. âMaybe I like seeing you squirm.â
His laugh was breathy, his pupils blown wide under the dim club lights. âCareful, sweetheart.â
You werenât sure who moved firstâmaybe it was you, maybe it was himâbut within seconds, his lips crashed against yours. The kiss was messy, desperate, his hands roaming your body like he needed to feel every inch of you. It didnât matter that you were in the middle of a packed club, surrounded by people who could easily turn and see you tangled up in him. All you could think about was the way his mouth moved against yours, the way his fingers gripped your hips possessively, like he was seconds away from losing control.
When he finally pulled back, his breathing was ragged, and his hands had somehow slid beneath the hem of your dress, fingers tracing the sensitive skin of your thighs. âWe need to get out of here,â he murmured against your lips.
You barely registered what he said, too caught up in the way he was touching you, but then his fingers pressed higher, and you sucked in a sharp breath. Instead of stopping, you rolled your hips slightly, pressing against his hand, daring him to keep going.
Mat stiffened slightly, his brows pulling together. âWhat? You want to fuck here?â His voice was still low, but there was a genuine note of surprise, maybe even disbelief, threading through it. He glanced around, as if suddenly aware of just how public this was, but then his gaze snapped back to you, dark and hungry. âYouâre serious?â
You swallowed hard, your nails digging into his arms. âMatââ
His lips curled into a smirk as he ducked his head, pressing a teasing kiss to your throat. âYou started this, baby. Donât act so innocent now.â
Your brain was screaming at you that this was reckless, that you should at least wait until you made it back to his place. But your body? Your body was already melting against him, your resolve hanging on by a thread.
He mustâve seen the hesitation in your eyes because he grabbed your hand, squeezing it gently. âTell me what you want,â he murmured, his lips brushing against your jaw. âIâll take you home right now if thatâs what you want. But if you tell me you need me now, I wonât be able to stop.â
You exhaled shakily, your fingers curling around his wrist. You shouldâve been thinking rationally. But with the way Mat was looking at youâlike he was seconds away from ruining youâyou knew there was no way you were walking out of here untouched.
âFuck it,â you whispered. âDonât stop.â
Matâs groan was guttural, his hands immediately gripping your hips as he guided you backward. The world blurred around you as he manoeuvred you through the club, past the crowd, and toward a secluded hallway near the VIP section. It was dimly lit, the music still loud enough to cover any noise, and before you could even process what was happening, Mat had you pinned against the wall, his body caging yours in completely.
âJesus,â he muttered, running a hand through his hair before leaning in, his mouth hot against your ear. âYouâre gonna kill me.â
You grinned, tilting your head to capture his lips again, your hands sliding beneath the hem of his shirt, feeling the heat of his skin. âThen die happy.â And with that, all sense of restraint snapped.
Matâs hands were everywhere at onceâgripping your hips, sliding down to the backs of your thighs, pressing you further against the cool wall. His kisses were hot and messy, a stark contrast to the coolness of the dimly lit hallway. The music pulsed in the background, distant and unimportant compared to the way his body pressed against yours, solid and demanding.
âYouâre insane,â he breathed against your lips, his hands flexing against your skin as he hoisted you up slightly, making you gasp as your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist. âAnyone could walk back here.â
âThen be quiet,â you teased, nipping at his bottom lip.
His laugh was breathless, and then his lips were on your neck, his teeth grazing over your pulse before he kissed the same spot, soothing it. âOh, sweetheart,â he murmured against your skin. âYou think Iâm the problem here?â
A shiver ran down your spine as his fingers trailed up your thigh, his touch teasing. You could feel how tense he was, how much restraint it was taking him to keep things slow despite the way his breathing had gone ragged.
The distant sound of laughter echoed through the club, someone passing by just a few feet away from where you were pressed against the wall. Mat went still for a second, eyes flicking toward the main room before they snapped back to you, his grip tightening. His pupils were blown, his expression a mix of frustration and amusement. âThis is such a bad idea,â he whispered, but there was no real protest in his voice.
You smirked, your nails raking gently down his arms. âThen why do you still have me pinned here?â
Mat exhaled sharply, his forehead dropping against yours for a second before he let out a low chuckle. âYou really are gonna kill me.â
You opened your mouth to respond, but before you could, he kissed you againâhard, desperate, full of unspoken promises that made your stomach flip. Whatever hesitation he had was gone now, replaced by something much more dangerous.
Hi! Could I request prompt "what? you want to fuck here?" With mat barzal please
The music was loud, the bass thrumming through the club like a second heartbeat, and the air smelled like a mixture of expensive cologne, sweat, and alcohol. You had barely been able to move all night, wedged between the bar and a sea of bodies, the sticky press of heat making your skin feel electric. But none of it matteredânot when Mat was standing right in front of you, his fingers tracing the curve of your waist like he couldnât keep his hands off you.
He leaned in, his lips ghosting over the shell of your ear, voice low enough to send shivers down your spine. âYouâre driving me fucking insane, you know that?â
You smirked, pretending to sip at the drink in your hand, though your focus was entirely on him. âOh, am I?â
Matâs fingers tightened on your waist, tugging you flush against him. He was warm, solid, and way too confident for his own good. âYouâve been teasing me all night.â
You tilted your head, your fingers toying with the chain around his neck, feeling the rapid pulse beneath his skin. âMaybe I like seeing you squirm.â
His laugh was breathy, his pupils blown wide under the dim club lights. âCareful, sweetheart.â
You werenât sure who moved firstâmaybe it was you, maybe it was himâbut within seconds, his lips crashed against yours. The kiss was messy, desperate, his hands roaming your body like he needed to feel every inch of you. It didnât matter that you were in the middle of a packed club, surrounded by people who could easily turn and see you tangled up in him. All you could think about was the way his mouth moved against yours, the way his fingers gripped your hips possessively, like he was seconds away from losing control.
When he finally pulled back, his breathing was ragged, and his hands had somehow slid beneath the hem of your dress, fingers tracing the sensitive skin of your thighs. âWe need to get out of here,â he murmured against your lips.
You barely registered what he said, too caught up in the way he was touching you, but then his fingers pressed higher, and you sucked in a sharp breath. Instead of stopping, you rolled your hips slightly, pressing against his hand, daring him to keep going.
Mat stiffened slightly, his brows pulling together. âWhat? You want to fuck here?â His voice was still low, but there was a genuine note of surprise, maybe even disbelief, threading through it. He glanced around, as if suddenly aware of just how public this was, but then his gaze snapped back to you, dark and hungry. âYouâre serious?â
You swallowed hard, your nails digging into his arms. âMatââ
His lips curled into a smirk as he ducked his head, pressing a teasing kiss to your throat. âYou started this, baby. Donât act so innocent now.â
Your brain was screaming at you that this was reckless, that you should at least wait until you made it back to his place. But your body? Your body was already melting against him, your resolve hanging on by a thread.
He mustâve seen the hesitation in your eyes because he grabbed your hand, squeezing it gently. âTell me what you want,â he murmured, his lips brushing against your jaw. âIâll take you home right now if thatâs what you want. But if you tell me you need me now, I wonât be able to stop.â
You exhaled shakily, your fingers curling around his wrist. You shouldâve been thinking rationally. But with the way Mat was looking at youâlike he was seconds away from ruining youâyou knew there was no way you were walking out of here untouched.
âFuck it,â you whispered. âDonât stop.â
Matâs groan was guttural, his hands immediately gripping your hips as he guided you backward. The world blurred around you as he manoeuvred you through the club, past the crowd, and toward a secluded hallway near the VIP section. It was dimly lit, the music still loud enough to cover any noise, and before you could even process what was happening, Mat had you pinned against the wall, his body caging yours in completely.
âJesus,â he muttered, running a hand through his hair before leaning in, his mouth hot against your ear. âYouâre gonna kill me.â
You grinned, tilting your head to capture his lips again, your hands sliding beneath the hem of his shirt, feeling the heat of his skin. âThen die happy.â And with that, all sense of restraint snapped.
Matâs hands were everywhere at onceâgripping your hips, sliding down to the backs of your thighs, pressing you further against the cool wall. His kisses were hot and messy, a stark contrast to the coolness of the dimly lit hallway. The music pulsed in the background, distant and unimportant compared to the way his body pressed against yours, solid and demanding.
âYouâre insane,â he breathed against your lips, his hands flexing against your skin as he hoisted you up slightly, making you gasp as your legs instinctively wrapped around his waist. âAnyone could walk back here.â
âThen be quiet,â you teased, nipping at his bottom lip.
His laugh was breathless, and then his lips were on your neck, his teeth grazing over your pulse before he kissed the same spot, soothing it. âOh, sweetheart,â he murmured against your skin. âYou think Iâm the problem here?â
A shiver ran down your spine as his fingers trailed up your thigh, his touch teasing. You could feel how tense he was, how much restraint it was taking him to keep things slow despite the way his breathing had gone ragged.
The distant sound of laughter echoed through the club, someone passing by just a few feet away from where you were pressed against the wall. Mat went still for a second, eyes flicking toward the main room before they snapped back to you, his grip tightening. His pupils were blown, his expression a mix of frustration and amusement. âThis is such a bad idea,â he whispered, but there was no real protest in his voice.
You smirked, your nails raking gently down his arms. âThen why do you still have me pinned here?â
Mat exhaled sharply, his forehead dropping against yours for a second before he let out a low chuckle. âYou really are gonna kill me.â
You opened your mouth to respond, but before you could, he kissed you againâhard, desperate, full of unspoken promises that made your stomach flip. Whatever hesitation he had was gone now, replaced by something much more dangerous.
I would like to order a Vodka Cranberry neat please, with a salt rim and add a lime if thatâs allowed please đđđŤśđź
if thatâs allowed? honey we all know by now i will ride the angst train until the wheels fall offđŤĄ
[ âwhy do you even care?â âbecause i doâ + smut/angst + az ]
-> BLURB BAR <-
âWill youâwill you just stop for a second and listen to me?â
âThatâs all I ever do, Az.â The words wobble, a combination of anger and sadness ruining its stability. Tears stream down your face, staining the silk of your dress and smearing makeup that took you entirely too long to perfect. âListen to you and all your bullshit promises that you never fucking keep.â
His stealth is frustrating but not more than the pure self-hatred that brews when you canât fight the desire to glance over your shoulder; foolishly allowing your chest to bloom with heat when you realize he was following you.
It wasnât supposed to be like this anymore.
He promised to stay away.
Too dangerous, he said. Worried for your safety, he insisted.
Refused to be responsible for the guilt that would ensue if something horrid ever happened to you; a truth he canât confess but youâre well versed in reading between the lines.
âI know, Iâm sorryâjust please hear me out. Put me out of my fucking misery because I canât keep watching you go out with males who donât even deserve to share your air.â
If you werenât so hurt, maybe your mind wouldâve latched onto the last part of his sentence rather than the first. âPut you out of your misery?â The harsh click of your heels on cobblestone halts so abruptly it makes Azriel bump into you a little. Bare arms brush against the sturdy material of his leathers as they cross over your chest, goosebumps staved off by the steady warmth he radiates and you pretend thatâs why you donât create more distance. âWhy do you even care?â
Youâre not sure to really even want the answer.
Certain, it wonât be good enough.
After everything Azriel had put you through, this never ending game of tug of war. Giving you an inch only for him to rear back and snatch a mile. Your expectations are unrealistic; a soldier hanging up his sword just for you.
âBecause, I do.â
And yet, you still amuse the possibility.
Dusting off your hands and re-familiarizing yourself with the burn of rope in your grasp before taking a sharp, experimental tug.
Bodies gravitate closer like magnets, attempting to resist until the pull becomes too much.
Your heart hammers in your chest, silence filling the air for one, two, three whole seconds before the collision happens. Your lips against his own; a frenzy of a kiss where you canât really tell if your hands are running through his hair or tracing down the strong line of his neck and shoulders just to feel him or just to remember.
All hard lines and harsh breaths as tongues grow reacquainted. The pathetic little whimper he lets out when nails scratch along the back of his neck, a bite that toes the line of too much. âShouldnât matter to you who I date.â
It only makes him hold you tighter, tugging your hips in closer. âI know it shouldn't.â His words muffle against your mouth, too stubborn or too selfish to pull away for even a secondânot when he's finally gotten you close. âBut, it still does." Shadows stretch forward, cloaking you in darkness; shielding you from the hopeless male you'd left back at the restaurant, as if they feared he'd come stumbling out in search of you.
They make it clear that you're already taken; trapped even, by a male too greedy to allow even a drop of you be spilled. Azriel's tongue trails down the length of your neck, nose nuzzling in the inviting scent of your body oils. Memorizing parts of you heâd thought long forgotten.
A mole here. Scars there. Soft pudge that warms him down to the marrow when pressed against his hardness. âYou canât just keep following me around.â
Following was a light way of putting itâstalking was more right.
His figure looming in your blind spots, lingering around corners and watching like a hawk thatâs locked onto its prey. Your routine is committed to memory from the moment your fire tokes in the morning to the bakery you stop by in the middle of the week for a slice of fresh key lime pie. A reward for refraining from replying to his letters or pointedly ignoring the stunning floral display that arrives on your porch every week like clockwork. âCanât stop even if I wanted to. Not when I know youâre out with someone who canât even make you laugh.â
âAt least they donât make me cry.â Damn you for leaning in closer, basking in that familiar brood and the masculine musk that sends all five senses into a fritz. A defeated sigh escapes you when you melt to mush under his palms; too vulnerable to lie. âItâs easier with them.â
âEasyâs overrated.â Heâs kneading at the swell of your hips until bravery grows or restraint snaps and heâs pawing at handfuls of your ass. Guiding you back until you can feel rough brick catching on strands of your hair. âBoring tooâbet he wouldnât have been able to make you cum. Even if he actually tried.â
Takes everything in you not to bite back. Especially because Azrielâs sort of right but admitting that out loud is more humiliating than your body just giving it away. By now, he has to feel the frantic pulse of your jugular under his tongue. âMaybe I should go back and find out.â
If his warning growl doesnât send shivers down your spine, the nip of his teeth on such sensitive flesh does. âI dare you to try.â
A challenge that comes with stipulations.
Skillful hands work their way under your dress, teasing at soft thighs until his knuckles are bumping against laceâit locks you in place. Azriel lets out a mean chuckle when you hike one leg up on his hip, spreading yourself wide; presenting yourself instead of running away like you should.
It just feels so good.
Lower lips are spread wide, dripping with slick as two thick fingers glide through with ease. Azriel knows his way around, just barely dipping into a greedy hole before retreating only to tap at an achy bundle of nerves so he can see the desperate jolt of your hips. âNo,â He speaks more so for himself than you, too occupied with prying you open and feeling your arousal pool in his palm. âYou wouldnât do that. Probably havenât had a cock in this cunt since that last time I filled itâfeels just as tight as I left it.â
If the nights chill wasnât nipping at bared skin, you know your blush wouldâve burned all the way down your chest. âTrust me, itâs not for lack of trying.â
You shouldnât have said that. Probably wouldnât have if Azrielâs thumb wasnât working perfectly against your clit, calloused fingers rubbing against slick inner walls, abusing nooks and crannyâs that leave your knees buckling. âDonât you know that you canât give away a pussy that doesnât belong to you?â Salacious sounds squelch between your thighs, head thrown back and eyes rolling in your skull as Az takes and takes; unlocking the doors to your sex and greeting it with a warm welcome. âNot if I still own it.â
azriel's cock is pretty, like very pretty. now, this might sound weird.
you never thought a cock could be pretty, you never thought something like that could even come out of your lips. but that's simply the truth.
the first time you saw it, you nearly drooled all over it like a common whore. the sight alone made you drip between your legs, your mouth salivated. you wanted it deep in your throat.
now, azriel had no objection, of course. he finds it almost funny how addicted you are to sucking his cock, but you just can't help it. his tip is the prettiest shade of pink, his veins a deep mix between red and purple, after all it's not your fault that it's so perfect!
"you just love this cock too much, huh, baby?" his tone is mocking, but you're to focused between his legs to care. you suck on his tip like your life depends on it, the salty taste of precum makes your eyes roll back. you can't get enough. "yeah... don't fucking stop, love."
where you can't reach with your mouth, you use a hand to give him pleasure. his cock is so girthy that you almost can't hold it all, your fingertips barely touching. the sight makes azriel feral.
usually, it doesn't take long before he takes control. his hands hold your hair, guiding you. or more like fucking into you, using you as toy for his pleasure. "you're such a perfect little whore, babe. look at how good you take this cock..."
tears stream down your eyes, you moan with your mouth full, incapable of doing anything else. the vibrations only add to his pleasure, his thrusts hit deeper and deeper each time, the back of your throat hurts, but you couldn't care less. "you like when i use you as a fleshlight, huh? yeah... you sure do, love. look at how you're drooling."
his chuckle is dark, his rhythm unforgiving as some shadows swirl around your little bundle of nerves. you can't breathe, too overwhelmed by the stimulation and the lack of oxygen. "don't worry, love, just a little more..." his voice is sinful, and the scene is just too erotic for you. you can feel your own orgasm grow, a quick knot forming at the base of your belly. "you want my cum down your throat, don't you? dirty little thing."
you nod, at least you try. shadows swirl around your body, gifting you little caress on the most sensitive parts. you clench around nothing, and you almost complain about your little hole being empty but azriel is quicker, he takes control of your actions, his hands hold your hair so tight that it hurts, but it only adds to the pleasure your feeling.
"just a little more... just a little more, love."
and seconds after, strings of cum paint your throat white and you drink from his cock, sucking him with the little energy you have left and milking him until he begs you to stop, and suddenly his hands try to push you away, but you can't help it, especially when he tastes so good<3
A/N: Tis the season to clear out my draft folder and what better way to do it than with a good olâ sap fest. Bear with me, it's very poorly proof-read
Warnings: fluff of the teeth-rotting kind, language
Word count: 1724
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Not once in his life had Azrielâs body been this shaken with nerves. It crawled up his spine to settle in the nape of his neck and had the walls of his stomach flutter. At times, it felt harder to breathe, simply because his heart could not seem to slow down.
And of course, his brother noticed.
He always noticed.
A broad palm came down on Azrielâs shoulder as he stared at himself in the mirror.
âAre you alright?â Cassian asked with a light-hearted tone.
Azriel lowered his eyes to adjust the cuffs of his tunic. Not that they needed it. He had adjusted them at least half a dozen times by now.
He forced himself to nod, but Cassian sounded hesitant when he spoke.
âReally? Because you havenât said a word in a solid twenty minutes.â
Azriel hesitated, trying to drown out the thoughts that had occupied his mind since he entered this room and kept him from taking any part in what was happening around him since.
âIâm good,â he said, rolling back his shoulders as he met Cassianâs eye in the mirror.
It was silent for a long moment, and Azriel knew that Cassian didnât believe him. He could tell from the spark in his eyes as a thought seemed to enter his mind.
âI know something that will help.â
Before Azriel could protest an idea that would no doubt end in embarrassment for everyone involved, Cassian was already storming towards the door.
The shadowsinger loosened a sigh, gaze darting back to his figure in the mirrorâto tall wings and the tunic that reached to the top of his thighs. The black pants tucked into boots adorned with silver. The claws of his wings were capped with it too. Traditional. Illyrian.
A knock on the door.
Azriel sighted through his nose as the doorknob began to twist.
âCassian, I donât needââ
Then, silence.
As his eyes locked onto his visitor, Azriel felt every thought in his mind quieten to a distant hum. His muscles loosened, his shoulders sinking from the tightness with which heâd held them.
His heartbeat finally slowed down.
Only to start back up with twice the speed.
âI heard someoneâs having some pre-ceremony jitters?â Her smile lit up the room, her tone gentle as she spoke.
Azriel wanted to strangle Cassian, and judging by the amusement on her face, she could tell.
âDonât be too harsh on him,â she spoke as she gently closed the door behind her. âHe didnât say much. He doesnât have to, remember?â
At the soft tug on his innermost soul, a new sense of peace filled Azriel right down to his core.
Turning to face her, he took in her floor-length dress. It glittered like the night sky, flowing fabric hugging her body in a way that made her look like a goddess. Like the Mother herself. No, like something even the Mother would worship.
âMy love,â he heard himself breathe, though there was a sudden lump in his throat that only worsened when she extended her hand to run a gentle thumb beneath his eye.
Azrielâs hand came up for his palm to cover hers, holding her hand to his cheek as he closed his eyes. He could feel her warmth seeping into his skin, her calm taking over his body, her scent soothing his nerves.
When he opened his eyes, her gaze still rested on him, and when he turned his face for his lips to graze her palm, her lips twisted into a smile.
âYou are breathtaking.â
She beamed at that, the skin in the corners of her eyes creasing in the way he loved.
âYou like the dress?â
Azriel could only nod as he once again trailed his eyes down her body, past a plunging neckline, and flowing sheer fabric to make up the train.
âIâm glad,â she breathed. âI was nervous you wouldnât like it.â
Azriel snorted softly, pulling her closer for his other palm to find rest at the very base of her spine.
âYou could walk down the aisle covered in worm dung and youâd still be the most beautiful thing Iâve ever had the honour to lay eyes on.â
âA charming picture,â she scoffed, though he could tell that her cheeks were warming beneath his gaze. He could feel the flutter of the bond.
âSo, why are you holed up in here?â she asked after a while, her eyes softening in the face of Azrielâs troubles, her expression open; willing to listen. âAre you having doubts?â
At that, Azriel all but recoiled physically.
âWhat?â
Tilting her head, she moved her hand into the nape of his neck, combing her nails through his hair as though she knew it would soothe him.
âYou wouldnât be the first one. A mating ceremony is a big step.â
He looked at her for a long while thenâat the understanding, the calm sense of reassurance. She knew he wouldnât bail, knew that it had nothing to do with her. She seemed utterly confident in Azrielâs dedication to her, and that knowledge calmed something within him.
âI love you,â Azriel spoke quietly, to which she offered another intoxicating smile. She opened her mouth, and Azriel knew that it was to proclaim her own love for him.
He interrupted her before she could form the words.
âNo, wait,â he muttered, his fingertips pressing a little firmer into her body. âI love you. Like I have never loved anyone before. Like I have never thought possible. It is âŚÂ all-consuming.â
Her smile had shrunk as heâd spoken the words, as though she expected his confession to take a turn. As though she expected a catch.
Azrielâs brows twitched closer together. This was coming out all wrong.
He took a step closer, felt her warmth through his shirt now. Tilting his head down towards her, he could feel her breath fanning his face.
âI have been waiting all my life for this,â he said quietly. âAnd this âŚâ
She waited patiently.
âThis âŚÂ you are more than I could have ever hoped for. I want you to be incandescently happy.â
She blinked at that, a confused smile forming on her lips. âBut I am.â
Azriel swallowed. âAre you sure?â
It seemed then that something dawned on her, and her expression took on a sad note, though her eyes still swam with love as her palm returned to gently cup his cheek.
âOh Azriel,â she breathed so quiet that he wasnât sure sheâd really said it. âHave I not made it clear in the centuries weâve known each other? Have I not made it clear with the very first kiss?â
The heaviness on his chest eased a bit when Azriel thought back to the first time heâd kissed the love of his life. Theyâd both been children stillâher father an important ambassador between the High Fae and Illyria. It was what had brought her to Windhaven.
An innocent childhood infatuation. Lips pressed together in a hastened peck behind the cabin of Rhysâ mother.
Her eyes had been wide after, as though she didnât know what had come over her. Sheâd turned around and run away, and Azriel had been left stunned for the first time in his thus far short life. Heâd thought of wiping the back of his hand over his lips as heâd seen Cassian do in a similar situation, but heâd liked the thought of carrying that first kiss with him for a while. It made him remember the warming of his cheeks as sheâd leaned closer, the rapid beating of his heart as her scent had filled his nose. Sheâd tasted like the cherry tarts Rhysâ mother had baked for them.
As he looked at her now, he marvelled at how similarly his body reacted to her even after all those years and all the kisses theyâd shared since.
âI love you,â she spoke quietly. âI have loved you since the moment we met. I have loved you through centuries, and wars, and distances, and when that bond finally snapped a few weeks ago, you best believe it turned me into the happiest woman in existence.â
Azriel offered a small smile, thumbs drawing circles into her fabric-covered skin where his hands rested on her hips.
âI just donât want you to feel trapped, or rushed, orââ
A laugh clear as a bell filled the room then, and Azriel breathed a little lighter.
âRushed, he says,â she grinned. âI have been waiting for this fucking bond to snap since we were both eleven years old, shadowsinger. If anything, the Cauldron really took its sweet time.â
Finally, Azriel joined in on her mirth, pulling her closer for his arms to wrap tighter around her waist.
âThatâs probably a good thing,â he said quietly. âCan you imagine if it had snapped for us then?â
The grimace on her face spoke more than any words could have expressed, and Azriel suppressed a laugh.
He remembered his nerves all too wellâCassianâs and Rhysâ immature scraps of advice still fresh in his mind. He remembered rapidly beating hearts and hasty kissesâremembered shaky hands and inexperienced, clumsy touches as childhood infatuation grew into adolescent love.
If he thought now of the possibility of a fresh mating bond adding to the teenage nerves of first times ⌠it seemed almost like pouring oil into a fire.
âYouâre right,â she said. âItâs a good thing it snapped now. It gave us time to practice,â she added with the flash of a grin.
Azriel fought a smile of his own as he leaned closer for his nose to touch the tip of hers. âI dare say we got rather good at it.â
Her chuckle hit his face in a warm puff of air to daze his mind, and when after a moment of silence she spoke again, it was with a gentle tone.
âI love you more than you think, shadowsinger.â
Azriel smiled at her, lifting his fingers to brush a single strand of hair from her face. âThen letâs go out there and make it official.â
And in the calm of the room, with his eyes locked on the beaming smile of his love, Azriel could have sworn he heard a quiet exclamation of triumph coming from someone standing right behind the door.
summary: When you falls alseep on his shoulder, Azriel does not know what to do, and everyone are being so damn loud
word count: 2.2K
warnings: this is pure fluff and azzie being utterly smitten and fussing shadows
a/n: hiii! this is the first fanfic i've written for acotar, i've fallen down the rabbit hole lately and made this blog. and i just had this idea and had to write it, thought i might as well post it. hopefully someone will enjoy it<3
Azriel thought he had learned how to master his cool mask. Beyond everything he had experienced as The Night Courtâs spymaster, nothing had tested him more than his family â a bunch of busybodies who drove him insane most of the time. He had played the role of chaperone between Cassian and Nesta, had been the one to drag Cassianâs ass out of The Summer Court when he wrecked that building and, for the third year in a row now, he had to re-decorate after Cassian and Feyre decorated the living room drunk.
Actually, the more Azriel thought about it, Cassian was usually the one who tested his control and threatened to ruin his cool composure.Â
And yet, despite years of practice, he forgot how to breathe when your head fell onto his shoulder. He had to force himself to remain nonchalant as your luscious scent overtook his senses. The river house was still loud and full of life, and the rowdy Winter Solstice party had not yet reached its peak. It was long past midnight and his family showed no signs of slowing down. The faelights above cast a golden light over their drunk faces as Mor continued to pour wine into all their glasses, declaring, âNo one is allowed to go to bed until dawn!âÂ
Which was why, an hour ago, Azriel had found himself slipping away to the couch in the corner of the room. Varian had joined him shortly after, the two of them chatting quietly while watching everyone else continue their quest to get as drunk as possible. Azriel didnât know if it had been wishful thinking, or just pure naivety, that had made him believe Winter Solstice would be calmer after Nyx was born, but he had been wrong. After Feyre and Rhys had put him to bed earlier -- Rhys had been the one to pull out the fancy bottles.Â
While it warmed him to know that nothing had really changed, that his family was still the same after everything they had been through, Azriel was also the same; he still preferred to wake up the next day and remember what had happened the night before.Â
Although, he doubted he would ever be able to forget anything that involved you. You had joined him and Varian in the corner a while ago, stumbling and falling next to him on the couch in a drunken mess. His shadows danced around you as you giggled to yourself, and Azriel thought that the sound of your laughter was the best Solstice gift he had ever received.Â
The knitted gloves you had made and given to him earlier were a close second.Â
âSo your hands wonât get so dry from the cold,â you had told him shyly, your cheeks flushed, and his heart had nearly burst out of his chest. Two days prior you had spotted him coating his hands in a thick layer of the salve Madja made for him, his scarred skin tended to get tight and uncomfortable, and even worse so when the temperatures dropped and the air became crisp and dry.Â
He most likely would not get the chance to wear them very often, the soft silky yarn was not made to withstand any fighting or training, and he could not bear the thought of ever losing or ruining them.
But it had still not stopped him from blushing as he opened the gift -- Cauldron, he blushed just thinking about them. The image of you rushing home and knitting him a pair of gloves after he told you how dry his hands became during winter... yeah, Azriel would never forget anything when it came to you.  Â
And when you sat so close, your body pressing tightly up against his, warm and inviting, there was just no way to overlook the emotions that sparked in his chest. Your words were slurred as you talked about an elderly female you had met at the market earlier that day.
Though, it did not matter that the story you were drunkenly telling him was so ridiculously incoherent, your soft voice still enthralled him. Because if you wanted to talk to him, well, he would listen to whatever you had to say. Always.Â
But when your voice had faltered and your head fell to his shoulder, Azriel did not know what to do.
Varian was quick to join the others again when he noticed you leaning on him, leaving him alone with you in the corner. Despite Cassianâs and Rhysâs loud voices booming through the room, arguing about something that had happened during the snowball fight that morning, you had fallen asleep right there on his shoulder. Your lips set in a small pout and your dark lashes resting delicately against your cheeks.Â
Azriel could not move, could still not breathe, in fear of waking you. A single shadow brushed against your cheek, soothing and gentle, and you let out a content sigh. It took everything not to wrap his arms and wings around you and winnow away; the urge to tuck you in under a heap of blankets and hold your body close overwhelmed him.Â
And you were not even doing anything more than leaning on his shoulder. But it was all it took for Azriel to lose his cool completely.Â
âSo beautifulâ his shadows whispered around him. It had been a year since you had first walked into the training ring, into his life, and the shadows had not stopped whispering about your beauty since.Â
As you had introduced yourself as the new healer, employed specifically to help Madja with the Valkyries and their injuries from training, Azriel had struggled to restrain the shadows. He had never felt them be so curious before, swirling eagerly around him before darting off toward you. He had managed to call them back just before they reached you, but they had still caught your attention, and when he tried to apologize -- you had ignored him.Â
Instead, you had focused on the fresh wound on his chest and scolded him for not having it looked at. He had been too stunned to say or do anything else.Â
But the shadows had not lied; you were the most beautiful female he had ever seen. Your hair flowed around you in effortless waves, eyes shining with compassion, and you had not looked at him in fear or reluctance like most did. No, you had reprimanded him and forced him to sit down while you tended to his wound.Â
You had owned his heart from that very first day, even if he had not told you that yet.Â
âFeyre, look!â Cassianâs voice made him snap back into reality. âThereâs your new painting!â Azriel glanced up only to discover that his family had turned their attention to the corner, looking at him and you with knowing smirks.
âOhh yeah, I can see it,â Nesta mused and bit the inside of her cheek to stop the grin on her face from growing. â'The love-sick Spymaster and his dreamy Angel.'âÂ
Feyre could not stop her giggles even as she tried to end his suffering, âCâmon guys, donât tease him. I think itâs sweet. They are taking things slow and at their own pace, leave them alone.âÂ
Azriel's face grew hotter, and yet, he remained as still as possible, afraid that any sudden movement would make you stir and wake up.
Though, he would have to agree; you were an angel. The kindest, most loving, and charmingly stubborn angel to exist in the world. In any world. Â
âSweet?â Amren rolled her eyes. âYou need to grow a pair and tell her already, boy. We are all sick of watching you two dance around the fact that both of you want to devour each other whole. Itâs nauseating.âÂ
Cassian let a loud howl thunder through the room but quickly smacked a hand over his mouth to stifle it as Azriel sent a icy glare in his direction.Â
âShut up,â he hissed, trying to keep his voice low. He let his gaze fall to you again, hoping the annoying chatter had not disturbed you. âYou are going to wake her.âÂ
âI think you just proved our point, Azzie,â Cassian sniggered and shared a mischievous look with Rhysand, no doubt contriving more ways to get under his skin.
And the only response Azriel could think of was, âShut up.âÂ
Thankfully, they seemed to take some pity on him as they returned to whatever conversation had kept them busy earlier.
Or perhaps, they noticed how his shadows had moved across the room, swirling along the walls in annoyance, ready to strike at any moment if anyone disturbed you. Azriel released a heavy sigh of exasperation, reminding himself that they were just a bunch of idiots and that he loved them dearly.Â
âYou know, your voice is far more comfortable to listen to than theirs,â you murmured suddenly, your voice full of sleep and still slightly slurred. Azriel couldnât stop the shiver running down his spine, his shadows quickly drew themselves back and danced across your smooth skin, checking to see if you had been bothered or needed any assistance.
When he looked down your eyes were still closed, but a playful smile flickered across your face.Â
Azrielâs mouth ran dry, âIâm sorry-- I tried to tell them.âÂ
âI know,â you told him and opened one eye to peek up at him, clearly amused. âI heard you.â You made no attempt to move away from him, and, for that reason, he did not attempt to move either. When you closed your eyes again he couldâve sworn you pressed yourself into his side a little bit closer and, Gods, had it always been so difficult to breathe? Azriel wasnât sure anyone's presence had ever made him feel so utterly captivated.Â
And, he just really, really, fucking adored you.Â
Before he could think of a proper reply though, you spoke again, âWe should do this more often. You make a good pillow.âÂ
When your lips twitched into a small smirk, Azriel knew you could hear how fast and hard his heart was beating, and his ears burned from his own awkwardness. So all he said was, âI think itâs time to get you to a real bed.â He shifted his body to get up, lifting his arm to wrap around you. âCâmon, Iâve got you,â he kept his voice low; only for you to hear. Your slender hand stopped him, pressing into his thigh dangerously high, forcing him to remain on the couch.Â
âNoo,â you pouted. âPlease donât make me move yet... canât we stay here like this for a couple more minutes?â It did not help his poor racing heart slow down. â...Or maybe even an hour?âÂ
And how could he deny you that when you looked at him with those beautiful eyes? How could he ever deny you anything?Â
âFine... here,â he mumbled and reached for an actual pillow, placing it in his lap. âAt least lay down so you wonât strain your neck.âÂ
The smile that broke out over your face; it needed to be Feyreâs new painting. Perhaps he would have to let her into his head, let his High Lady see your joyful eyes and glowing face, to make sure your smile could be captured forever for everyone to see.Â
As you settled down, your head now resting in his lap, Azriel could not help himself. He let his hand fall to your head, threading his fingers through your soft hair. His shadows settled on his shoulders, peering down at you as well, and he could not focus on anything else. The world could be on fire and he would not have been able to tear his eyes away from you.Â
âAzzie, stop looking like that.âÂ
You glanced up at him again, brows knitted together in a small frown, and Azriel couldnât stop himself from laughing, âStop looking like what?âÂ
There was a moment of silence, the hollering of his family a distant background noise, as your eyes met his. The sparkle in his chest became more intense, impossible to control, and even as you tried to look annoyed with him, the smile twitching at the corner of your mouth gave you away.Â
Eventually you huffed and curled into him a little more, â... youâre lucky you're so beautiful.âÂ
And as you pulled his hand away from your hair and laced your smaller fingers through his, Azriel knew there was no turning back -- knew that there was no one else.Â
He raised your hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to the back of it before whispering, âYou are beautiful.âÂ
Azriel thought he had learned how to master his cool mask, but when a golden thread weaved itself between his soul and yours, Azriel realized he was more than willing to let his mask slip for you.
ps, english is not my native language, so if there was any spelling or grammar issues; sorry! Thank you for reading <3
SUMMARY:Â A child of light and dark, you are the Night Courtâs best kept secret. After decades spent in hiding, you yearn to stretch your wings. But you quickly learn that freedom comes with a price, as you find yourself trying to outfox the fox himself in his own den.
