We ain't no hooligans

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Psyched-up fans go all Galatasaray at an under 8s game. Match gets abandoned.

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Lovingly narrated by John Sitton, here's a great coaching video for AVB to use in preparation for Chelsea's visit to the Hawthorns this weekend.

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Chelsea players acting all Sunday league.

AVB: juxtapositioning.

Within the largely dog-eared world of amateur football if there’s such a thing as a journeyman, I’d have no shame in claiming to be one. Over the course of an un-illustrious 2 decade period during which I admit to donning a pair of white Nike Mercurial Vapours, I’ve been a promiscuous member of my local Sunday and Saturday league scene. And through that time I’d testify to seeing the lot. I’ve witnessed our keeper shit in a Spar bag on the way to a game, seen a lad turn up to training with Kvarme on the back of his Liverpool shirt, and worryingly, I’ve heard the word ‘bants’ being increasingly used around the dressing room.  

In an attempt to deftly steer into the oncoming path of the current hot topic, I too can conjure tales of player power. The issue is, when compared to the stories currently being hawked from the gates of Stamford Bridge and the calls for it to be outlawed, in the amateur game it’s a prerequisite.

You see the typical, amateur league outfit is made up of a squad of around 15, the manager and a fella named Kenneth who fills the water bottles. The club will have no real infrastructure to speak of and therefore no outlook, stability or security. The whole thing is haphazardly stitched together purely by the commitment of the aforementioned. And the upshot is that the manager has no real authority, with the players afforded all the elbow room they want. Thems be the rules.

That’s why players give team talks, defenders persuade the manager to start them up top, and star players sub themselves off after an hour because of a stag do. It happens at every amateur club each weekend, and always will. The likes of Terry, Lampard and Cech would fit right in at a club like ours.

Before signing off, I must add that I no longer wear white Nike Mercurial Vapours.

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A post about not posting so much lately.

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If he weren’t a footballer…

And ACTION...

Steven Taylor : Movie extra

‘Born to perform’ were the very words of Steven Taylor’s Year 6 drama teacher, Mrs Drury, the day he first strode into class at Tyne and Wear elementary school. And nearly 20 years on, those immortalised words are still being regularly recited in and around Gateshead.

A commanding on screen presence and proven versatility, Taylor has the tools for a walk-on part in an independent  period drama, as well as being a member of a fleeing crowd in a big budget disaster movie. A popular fella in movie extra circles, his career highlight is starring as the third villager in M. N. Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender.

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The finest* / darkest* hour of footballing commentary.

*Delete where applicable.

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Wayne Rooney first to break with Wayne Rooney exclusive.

Journo Wazza provides behind the scenes access to himself.

Without doing them a disservice, I think it’s fair to say that the emergence of twitter over the past couple of years has made a journalist's day to day pretty hunky dory. Rather than sifting through bins in the dead of night, enduring late night stake-outs by Chinawhites, or flipping ‘a close source’ for a half cooked story to glamorise, journalists can nowadays just sit in front of their laptops and wait for twitter to do all the hard graft.

Notable examples of twitter doing its thang include, this, this and of course, this.

But this weekend, after it was reported on twitter that Wayne Rooney had been spotted leaving a hair transplant joint on Harley Street, rather than leave the carcass to tabloid journalist to fight over, Rooney decided to piss on their chips beat them to the punch, by reporting on his own story.

An excellent read Wayne.

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Player exit strategies.

Carlos Tevez (left)

With the dust still yet to settle after Carlos Tevez had made his bi-monthly plea of wanting to jail break the Eastlands, it once again highlighted the range of excuses footballers use in order to earn themselves a move away.

In addition to his emotive declarations of being homesick and wanting to be closer to his children, Kia Joorabchian’s favourite little glove puppet on this latest occasion, conjured that he was ready for a change of scenery. In our footballing wisdom however, we’re all too aware that Carlito is engaging in a bit of old school leg pulling, and is in actual fact angling a move to a marquee club.

You see instead of running their mouths off and giving loyal supporters, football writers and under pressure managers the opportunity to get up in their grill, footballers have learnt to pussy foot around the real reasons of wanting to jump ship, in order to keep everyone sweet.

So for the players I suspect will be planning exit strategies this summer, if honesty was the best policy, here’s what they’d actually say.

Cesc Fabregas

“The decision to leave Barca for Arsenal has completely blown up in my face.”

Ashley Young

“My stock is up, and now’s my chance for a big pay day.”

Didier Drogba

“If I can’t get in the side ahead of Torres, it’s a f#cking disgrace”

David N’Gog

“I’ve blagged my time at Liverpool for as long as I can.”

Joey Barton

“I’m good enough for Barcelona. In fact, I’m too good for them”

Heurelho Gomes

“My back four don’t acknowledge me anymore.”

Shaun Wright-Phillips

“My dad told me to leave.”

David Bentley

“I don’t do Championship football.”

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Top 10 footballer soundtracks

Djibril Cisse. In the process of listening to something dope.

  10) Carlos Tevez

Should I Stay Or Should I Go - The Clash

  9) Tim Cahill

The Boxer - Simon & Garfunkel

  8) Obafemi Martins

What’s My Age Again – Blink 182

  7) Sol Campbell

Playing With The Boys - Kenny Loggins

  6) Fernando Torres

Everyday Struggle - Notorious B.I.G.

  5) Steve Kean

I Can't Drive - Sammy Hagar

  4) Carlo Cudicini

The Motorcycle Song - Manic Street Preachers

  3) John Terry

Bump ‘n’ Grind - R Kelly

  2) Wayne Bridge

Caught Out There - Kelis

  1) Heurelho Gomes

The Laurel & Hardy Theme Tune

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If you listen carefully, you can hear Ronnie Rosenthal breath a huge sigh of relief.

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A year on. Still uncomfortable with Champion’s League Saturday.

Gattuso and Jordan. Discussing the matter.

Ask any long-suffering partner of a football fan and they’ll agree that followers of the game are very much creatures of habit. On match days we of the armchair variety earmark a specific seat to slouch into, we turn the volume up to unnecessarily levels, we comfort our tallywackers by putting our hands down our pants, and we badger loved ones for a range of salted snacks, in exchange for running them up to Laura Ashley afterwards.

Personally I also like the religious practice of watching the F.A. Cup final on Saturday and the League Cup counterpart on Sunday. We don’t need to discuss the time or the day, it’s just automatic. And up until last year, when the powers that be decided to tamper with tradition, it was the same case for Wednesday evenings and the Champion’s League showdown.

Kindly, Didier Drogba has offered to say a few words on my behalf: http://bit.ly/kS36hF

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When players don't do exactly what it says on the tin.

Andy Shevchenko. He definitely shamed his family.

An apology.

By taking the subject of high profile footballers that have proved to be a disappointment, and then craftily rephrasing the title, I aim to get even more mileage out of a topic that’s already been flogged to within an inch of its life. Previous incarnations of this subject may have been labelled ‘Worst big money buys’, ‘Premiership disasters’, ‘Football’s scream team’ and ‘Top of the football flops’, but I can assure you, the money-shot remains the same.

In a desperate eleventh-hour attempt to readdress the unoriginality of this post, I’ve been badgering Google to source me some players that may have miraculously fallen under the radar, and escaped the clutches of seasoned football writers. Regrettably, and unsurprisingly, my last-ditch efforts have been in vain.

I hope you can find it in your hearts to accept my apology.

  Fernando Morientes: Liverpool

In a previous life the cultured Fernando Morientes had been an absolute class act. After impressing for Zaragoza in the late 90s, Morientes Mont Blanced his signature onto the dotted line at Real Madrid, where for the next few years, he and Raul would make beautiful love. But after signing for Liverpool in 2005 it all came crashing down when he stooped down to the dreadful levels of Igor Biscan, Djimi Traore and Florent Sinama Pongolle.

Juan Sebastian Veron: Manchester United

I know me and Sir Alex are gonna fall out on this one but Seba Veron repeatedly folded under questioning, throughout his time at Manchester United. And not even against A list opposition. This, despite showing he had the skills to pay the bills while at Sampdoria, Parma and Lazio, and not to mention his national side, where he still orchestrates.

Sergei Rebrov: Tottenham Hotspurs

A revelation for Dynamo Kyiv back in the day, Sergei today stands alone as the all-time top scorer in the Ukrainian Premier League. He first got himself noticed in the late 90s when, along with his bestest buddy Andrei Shevchenko, he had led a fearless Kyiv side all the way to the Champion’s League semi-final. After joint top scoring in the same competition the year after, little Sergei was bundled into a plane by his agent to sign for Tottenham, where he consequently did sod all.

Marco Materazzi: Everton

While not quite the finished article, Marco arrived at Goodison with all the raw ingredients to make it as a top centre half. In his one and only season on Merseyside however Marco mega failed and picked up 4 red cards in just 27 appearances.  He was shipped back to Italy by special delivery the year after, where he would go on to win 5 Serie A titles and the Champion’s League. Oh and a big shiny World Cup too.

Winston Bogarde: Chelsea

Back in the day Winston was a key member of the epic Ajax side that won the European and Intercontinental Cup before deciding to jump ship to Barca, where he continued to put away the silverware. Keen to bring a proven centre half to the ranks, in 2000 Chelsea shoved an astronomical £40k a week contract under his hooter. But just a few weeks after signing, Winston got on the wrong side of Ranieri and was consequently cold-shouldered.  But while most would’ve headed for the exit, Winston decided to stay put, citing that there’d be no chance of earning that sort of cash elsewhere. He went on to make 9 appearances over 4 years, costing Chelsea 15 million quid.

Right, I’m off to buy Wikipedia a pint.

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Footballer pre-match meals.

Davey Becks, a fish finger man

Footballer fuel. This is how I see it playing out:

Aaron Lennon: Coco Pops

Wayne Rooney: Iceland own-brand turkey twizzlers

David Dunn: Beef Stroganoff

Andrei Arshavin: Eggy bread

Lee Cattermole: Pistachio nuts (shells unremoved)

Gary Taylor-Fletcher: Cheese and marmite toastie

Matty Taylor: Braised lamb shank with roasted carrots and baby onions

Tony Hibbert: Cous cous

Theo Walcott: Jam sandwiches (crusts removed)

Paul Scharner: Lentil dhal with roti

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Rooney Junior misses an absolute sitter.

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The weekend that football turns into University Challenge.

Obligatory image of University Challenge to support title of post

  “Football’s a simple game” is a phrase my youth team coach regularly liked to use. I however, had to disagree. He also liked to say “test the keeper”, “bring him down” and “stop dicking about with it”, but that’s beside the point.

See, for the managers and fans connected with those clubs whose Premiership futures are hanging in the balance, and not to mention the poor media souls covering the games, the final fixture of the season brings with it a bitch load of chaos, confusion and disorder.

At 3pm on the supposed day of rest, Wigan, Blackburn, Wolves, Birmingham and Blackpool will play a glorified game of pass the parcel with the two remaining relegation positions. And with such a shitstorm of possible outcomes based on points and goals scored, the world’s greatest minds will need to be put on day release from the Hadron Collider facility, to aid with the number crunching. I’d say it was football’s equivalent of trying to make sense of Vanilla Sky - minus the cryonics, Ferrari GTO and facial disfigurement. So not really like Vanilla Sky, but you see the picture I’m so haphazardly painting.

For the reasons outlined above, I’m not stupid enough to predict Sunday’s results and consequent outcome. You’ll have to go meither Lawro for that.

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5 players that are punching above their weight.

Nicky Bendtner. Without whom this post would not have been possible.

As a country, it’s fair to say that we love nothing more than to back the underdog. Across the sporting spectrum it would seem that the more inept the individual, the closer we hold them to our bosoms. Even in my early years I can vividly recall the fuss we made over the ski jumper Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards, who in the 1988 Calgary Olympics brought absolute hysteria to the entire nation by finishing a respectable last in both the 70m and 90m events. In the delirium, families poured onto the streets in celebration, fully grown men broke down in tears, and gunmen fired AK47s into the night sky. Not only did we all accept Eddie, we rejoiced in his spectacular lack of ability.

Football however, is a very different animal.

With the bigger, more successful club sides, whenever a player isn’t deemed fit enough to wear the shirt, supporters will show no mercy in telling them how toilet they are. In football, acceptance is based on ability and there’s no hiding place should they come to the table empty-handed.

Here are the top 5 players that clock-in at bigger clubs than their abilities deserve.

Nicklas Bentdner.

Being retro I like to think shirt numbers still correlate to a player’s squad position. Which is why Nicklas Bendtner rightfully wears the number 52 jersey.

Darron Gibson.

Every time Darron with an ‘o’ turns out for United I struggle to see what he offers. Apparently has a great shot though. Can someone just let me know when they see it?

David N’Gog.

Has 1 good game in every 16, and that’s being kind to the Frenchman. N’Gog has been routinely dominated by every defender he’s ever faced.

Salomon Kalou.

When you’re entering the closing stages of a key game and you’re chasing a goal, what you need is an impact sub, not Salomon Kalou.

Roman Pavlyuchenko

Pavlychenko is the type of player that would benefit from dropping down to a lower club. I hear Kettering Town are in the market for a striker.

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When football imitates the big screen.

Starring Roberto Mancini in...

…Brewster’s Millions.

In the much anticipated remake of the 1985 comedy caper Brewster’s Millions, we follow the trials and tribulations of Montgomerie Brewster (played by Roberto Mancini) as he blows a fortune in order to bring the greater riches of Champion’s League football and also a long-awaited trophy, to Manchester City’s Eastlands. Challenged by the oil-tycoon billionaire Sheikh Mansour, Brewster sets out by spending astronomical sums of money on assets such as Mario Balotelli, Yaya Toure and the Spanish World Cup winner David Silva. With support from the loyal yet misguided Spike Nolan (played by Brian Kidd), Brewster’s investments eventually turn Manchester City’s fortunes around.

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