A Walk in the Woods

19, American. Just another girl struggling to find the purspose of all of this. Music is my life, I really don't know where I'd be without it. Movies keep me going, tea keeps me awake. Obsessed with quiet adventures to tucked away placed, my torn up white high tops, and taking every opportunity handed my way

[weallstartasstangers]

Little Red Converse

You are so oblivious to how I feel.

How could you. How could you look me in the eye and tell me these excuses I’ve heard so many times.

Oh wait, you couldn’t. A text message is all that stands between us. 

I don’t know what you want from me? Do you want me to wait for you like some second rate princess waiting for her prince in castle?

This limbo we are in is tearing me apart. 

But to you maybe it is nothing at all. Maybe to you we are fine. 

Do you not see me looking at you? The subtle things I say, my text messages asking you to hang out. The way my hugs feel just a little warmer than a friends should.

I want to pretend you do the same. I want to catch you looking; I want to see your lips part in a smile when I act like an idiot or when I walk out of bed my hair a mess. 

I want to feel something in your hugs or hear something in your words of comfort.

But last night those little red shoes told a different story. 

They screamed at me, sitting in my hallway, next to yours. 

I felt like someone had struck me with an iron hammer, slamming into my chest and tearing my sternumin two. 

Those little red shoes told me you didn’t care. 

The were a sign that we weren’t in the limbo I thought we were.

And I had nowhere to go, no where to escape to.

 I wanted to run, far far away. To walk out the door and never come back. 

My mind was screaming at me, telling me what an idiot I am for thinking you would ever like me the way I liked you. 

I’m an idiot for believing you when you said she was just a friend.

And the fucked up thing is I can’t be jealous because I have no hold or claim to you.

 You aren’t mine, and now I realize you never will be

[weallstartasstangers]

Everything is Going to be okay

“Everything is going to be okay”, I whisper to myself.

You’ve been here before, watched someone you trusted pick their own agenda over you so shamelessly unapologetic you can’t help but feel betrayed. 

Watched with stoic eyes as they explained, less to you and more to themselves why. Why it had to be this way. Their resolve only as pronounced as the accusations deflected onto you.

And yet I whisper, everything is going to be okay.

My eyes drift past his shoulder, a place set just behind him and yet so far away. His muted excuses meaning nothing more than the wind blowing my loose hair from my neck. 

He pauses his monologue, looking for my reaction, searching for tears, for anger, for denial.

But I am all out of tokens to give, out of energy to reason, to beg. 

The moment he opened his mouth I knew the words that would fall from it, like a deja vous I can’t escape. 

He waits, eyes deflected, hair unkempt, he waits, for me, like he has been for years. And one last time I would disappoint him.

“I don’t know what you want me to say”, my tone steady, unaffected. 

everything is going to be okay

“I don’t know, I didn’t think that far.”, he mutters back. 

I know he’s lying. I know he’s spent hours, days, gauging what my reaction could be. I stare at him wondering what outcome he wanted. Wondering what could be going through that mind of his, one that I too often tried to prod at.  His eyes shift under my idle scrutiny. 

My composer cracks as he attempts to shift the attention, words unwisely spoken. 

“Don’t paint me as the bad guy,” I bite.

“I’m not”, he corrects hesitantly, “I..., I just can’t keep doing this.”

The words are long and drawn out, pulled from somewhere inside him he hoped I didn’t know existed, but I’m not a fool.

“So you’re just going to throw it all away. Like none of it means anything to you”

He’s eyes meet my ever narrowing ones. He looks lost for words. Lost in his thoughts, his own delusions of who he is in that moment and who he thinks I am always.

It’s at that second I realize that the man sitting in front of me is no longer a person I recognize. 

His usual smile has fallen from his cheeks, his eyes shifting and uncertain, and the compassion that used to drive me to be a better person replaced with a self preservation that I have for too long denied the existence of. 

I realize that I don’t him. That the years we have spent together mean nothing in the face of this one action. That this is who he is. 

The floor screeches as I push my chair back, my arm reaching to tuck stray hairs behind my ear. The air now still, the world on pause.

My voice has calmed, “I think I should go” 

The words leave my mouth as I’ve already taken a step away. Away from the table, but more so away from us; who we were together.

That no longer exists. Each step a closing reminder that life is a continual movement forward. 

I don’t look back. I don’t pause for a response or to check the expression on his face as I walk silently away from him. I don’t need to. 

I wonder what it truly means to trust someone.

Fumbling with my keys, the drivers side door clicks open and I slide into the leather seats of my honda. The car door shutting out the world quietly behind me.

I rest my head on the steering wheel, my hands flanking either side of my temples. 

Reaching over I put the car in reverse. 

I take a deep breath

everything is going to be okay

[weallstartasstangers]

Till We Meet Again

To those wondering where the time has gone,

It was spent whispering I love you’s to someone whose soul complimented mine in a way every girl hopes to find.

He was my first love, my first addiction, and my first time losing myself so completely.

Now he’s gone, and I’m faced with the reality of our last moments together.

Our last night spent dancing in the warm summer air under the casting light  of a street lamp, alcohol coursing through our systems, feet bare and  breath baiting.

To the intertwined legs, and wandering fingers gently grazing over cheeks, memorizing every detail as his eye drifted shut into a sleep that turned the most closed off, beautiful man, into a child yet again. 

Goodmorning spoken over messy sheets and laugher, our fading last hours of light-hearted banter, and white waved flags of tickle monsters that left us breathless and our ribs aching.

A parting with ‘see you tomorrow’, a ping to the day that lay just around the setting sun, unwanted and coyly chiding. An unsaid acknowledgement of a closing chapter.

The next morning bringing a last meal of quiet coffee and carefully concealed tears, where moments of the best times were shared in hushed reminders that our time together was running to an end.

From a car ride of gentle smiles, and the remnants of laughter that kept in check the wave of emotion neither wanted to have the other see.

Minutes of silence as I watched for the last time as you smoked your damned cigarette, our knees touching, and small pieces of my soul dripping down my cheeks to land on clenched, reddened hands. 

A hug that stirred me in ways I only thought books could describe, but never bet felt. A crashing of all composer, a loss of understanding for the things I wanted to say, a hole in world that could only ever be filled by him.

And finally the searching eyes as we parted ways for the last time at the airport, and the held breath as my body screamed at me to kiss him one last time, because there was no other way to express the gratitude, or the love filling my every fiber.

And as I looked back one last time, watching his dark, curly hair escape out of my sight and into my past, the realization that love has an odd way of getting all mixed up.

Where the line blurs to an unrecognizable stand point of lover or best friend. 

Where to love so deeply is to only want the others happiness,                           and nothing more...

[weallstartasstangers]

What should I expect when volunteering at warped tour?? Anything that I should prepare in advanced? What should I bring with me? Sorry for bothering you again with so many questions. Thanks !!

It really depends on which organization you are volunteering for. I would suggest to bring what you would for any warped tour. For one - it. Will. Be. Hot.- dress really comfortably and bring sunscreen unless you want a gross backpack tan line for the rest of summer, I would know. Make sure your shoes are comfortable, you'll be standing all day as well as doing quite a bit of walking around. A extra phone charger is a good idea too.Bring an empty* water bottle that you can fill at the stations. STAY HYDRATED, last thing you want is to pass out, or feel icky. Remember water is your friend. Your sunscreen can't be spray either I'm fairly sure. Also bring snacks, I was vegan when I went last year and completely forgot to bring something to eat, I was starving. Thankfully, the kind souls at the peta booth gave me a box of triskets. Which I ended up giving half of them away to people asking, but it was a gift to me, so I gave to others. Everyone is insanely nice at warped tour. Put everything in a comfortable strap backpack or drawstring bag. Don't forget a sharpie and any thing you want signed by the bands. If you want to purchase anything while you're there, bring some cash. I'd avoid bringing anything super valuable just in case you lose your bag, or it gets ruined. Also don't be afraid to say no, POLITELY!, to people who try to sell you stuff if you don't want it. Don't feel bad, they'll ask thousands of people, someone will be interested. On the other hand, don't turn done some 'nobody band' offering a five dollar mixtape just because they aren't big. You never know they could be really good! If you're of drinking age, I'd probably try to keep the intoxication level to a minimum if the venue is serving. For one, heat and alcohol don't mix well, and ending up sick will ruin your entire day. I guess being smart about it is really the key. Also no one likes a loud obnoxiously drunk person, so moderations a good idea.First thing to do is to find the master time schedule when you get into the venue and snap a picture. Figure out the bands you want to see most. If you want a spot close to the stage, plan accordingly to be early for that set. Maybe even get there 2 or 3 shows before and work your way up as it goes. Don't be upset if you can't see everyone you want! Maybe look and see if that band has a meet up that you can make! Don't let one thing ruin your day!****If crowds makes you uncomfortable, be wary. I'm not claustrophobic, but last summer my friend and I ended up leaving because there were to many people smashing to get closer to the stage to see the last shows. The last show was Black Veil brides, and 3 sets before was already crazy. We had a hard time even getting out from the crowd where we were. It's much better to leave the main area before the show starts to void getting stuck, and disturbing people who are trying to watch. But if you think you can stick it out, or don't mind, go for it! It's a really cool experience to be in a sea of people all singing the same lyrics, jumping to the same beat, and genuinely having the time of their lives, just a little to cozy for comfort sometimes.Go in with a good mind set and you'll have a great, memorable day! Don't be afraid to talk to people! I have so many friends from concerts. If they are there it probably means they have similar interests to you, so strike up a conversation!*****But most importantly MAKE SURE YOU HAVE AN OPEN MIND TO EVERYONE THERE. Even if something stands out as odd to you, or you don't necessarily agree with the opinion, just remember that everyone is there to have a good time, and not be berated and belittled. Just think of it as a safe zone.If however you see someone harassing someone else, feel free to step and say not cool. Otherwise, I hope you have great time! Congrats on the volunteering!!! Hope this helps! Let me know if you need anything else!

[weallstartasstangers]

This weekend was spent with a camera in hand and a destination unknown.

[weallstartasstangers]

What was it like volunteering at warped tour?

It was absolutely amazing! I got free admission and a backstage pass to any show other then the big bands at the end. I got to see mod sun backstage which was awesome! I wouldn’t suggest it if you’re shy though! I took surveys of people waiting in line, and some where nicer then others! But definitely a cool way to make friends and get involved if you’re into the music industry!

[weallstartasstangers]

To whom it may concern, Go fuck yourself, Regards, R

[weallstartasstangers]

Tell Me

Is it too much to ask for you to just tell me how you feel? I know you said you were done explaining But I can't stop thinking you've changed. That's nothing you said those months ago when you Tore my world to pieces Is true anymore. That you've withdrawn so far into your Circle of self preservation, You don't know how to feel. And I can tell myself over and over again that you do still love me. That when you said we had to end it now because you couldn't take the pain of later, All of it is still true. I want to believe so badly you feel the same. So I dissect every look, every touch, Every damn interaction we have, Looking for a sign that you still care. I need you to, because even after all this time, I still love you. I know you're leaving, It's only a few months away now. We both know that you might get on that plane and we'll never see each other again. It's why you did it, isn't it? The fear of being so far away. But the question is if that pain is still as agonizing a thought now, as it was when you broke my heart. So do you still look at me the way you used? Are the moments are hands touch for longer then necessary making your heart beat as fast as mine does? And do you smile at me in way that shows how your souls feels? I've looked for it all, I want to see it. I want to ask you if it's what I think it is. But a part of me knows even if you say yes and that you want what we had back. We would be doomed. We always were. How can two people with such impossibly different lives, fall so impossibly in love? It's almost unfair isn't it. That life brings you to a person who finishes your soul In a way no one else can Only to rip you apart for circumstances. I can want you with all my being, But I know we will never be more then friends, And even that has an expiration date.

[teenagehipst3r]

[weallstartasstangers]

Normality is a word created to describe people other then ourselves. Because everyone wants to be different.

Me

[weallstartasstangers]

Let me take a moment to remind myself that at one point you were all I ever wanted.

Me

[weallstartasstangers]

Confused

I don’t have the energy to be decisive anymore. I’m tired of laying awake a night with thoughts of you in my head. Because I want nothing more then to be rid of you. But at the same time, I don’t want to exist in a world without you. You have confused me past the point of sanity, My mind endlessly wandering in a cycle of preposterous proportion, Wanting you, and then not. But I don’t know anymore if I want to forget about you when I’m exhausted of being upset, or if the days I wish I’d get over you are now the ones where I’ve learned to care about myself more then I care about you. But that’s the something that’s overwhelmingly aggravating about being in love. I can’t help but think it’s the biggest curse and biggest blessing a person can ever have. I’ve caught myself in this dizzying haze of wanting you and not. A daily game of keeping you out of my thoughts. And as odd as it seems, Thinking of you brings both my happiest and saddest thoughts. Because weather I want to admit it or not, I’ll always want you in a way I can never have again.

[teenagehipst3r]

[weallstartasstangers]

Jealous of her locks 😭

[teenagehipst3r]

[teenagehipst3r]

[weallstartasstangers]

I'm leaving

I’m overwhelmingly excited to say my study abroad to Seoul, South Korea just got its final approval! I leave in August and will spend 11 months in Seoul studying international relations and politics.

[weallstartasstangers]

Even though it's over and done, do you still find yourself thinking of me when the sun has fallen and your world seems like it could use a little light.

Me