Sedated Reality

Pretend you don't know me

[weallwritealong]

I swirl the words “I love you” around in my mouth like a cough drop, syrupy and bitter, I bite down hard on them until they crack up the sides, slice into my tongue and sting long after they’ve fully dissolved, I love you—I think, in my bedroom with the low hum of the AC, at the last stop on the subway, in the park behind my apartment with the dogs and the baseball field, in the restaurant with the breakfast burritos, while sitting on the floor of the bathroom as you take a shower, there are so many places I want you to know so many moments I want to wrap the words around, but I keep them to myself, for now.

7.30

[housestyles]

“What’s in a bad boy that makes you want to throw away all of the pretty things you are just to match his dirty, just to be all of the things you think that he wants, you change yourself to ignite the fire that he is because you’re afraid otherwise you’d put out the flames, you’re afraid he’ll like it, you’re afraid he will be soft for you, and you’re afraid you won’t feel anything anymore, you won’t feel the way you felt when you met him and he was spitting on the side walk while drinking Jack Daniels from a coke bottle, you’ll miss the adrenaline, the late nights, the fast drives, and you’re afraid he might love you the way you’re scared to be loved.”

— (via weallwritealong)

[weallwritealong]

No one could ever possibly love me more than I could love myself, so why can’t I love myself more?

[weallwritealong]

“You look different than the last time I saw you, Shorter hair, Darker circles around your eyes, I look older, More worried, Thinner, I missed you, I missed you, I spent weeks wishing we’d end up at the same gas station, In the same mall parking garage, And you’d see me, All tan skin and mini-skirts, The memories would come flooding back and maybe you’d miss me too, But we are here, a passing glance in a crowded diner, You half-smile at me and disappear, & I never stop wishing”

—

[weallwritealong]

In the wake of his absence there was pain, he wanted it to hurt, more than emotionally, he wanted me to feel it, the places he touched still stinging, blooming purple, flowering over my chest, I could still feel him every time I took a breath

[weallwritealong]

“The earth will always push back on the soles of your feet, that’s the nature of gravity, it won’t let you float away even when you want to, and it won’t let you fall down too deep when you feel like you should be.”

—

[weallwritealong]

We are drunk on lake water and whiskey / sitting barefoot at the edge / pink cheeked and smiling // the air here is thick and unravels cool around our heads / relief from the heat / comes in shade trees and skinny dipping // you have dove eyes / and my voice echoes over the water / here we are laughing / here we pay attention / here we remember // tangled in each other / light drips between the spaces / where our skin does not touch / the clouds / are a cradle for the sun / the sky / is smeared with dusk // there is nowhere left to go // the blood rush of fall never comes / we are not miles and months apart / I do not need to leave / you do not need to learn // your knuckles are not broken / open like pitted cherries / my hands do not ache for you / we do not gut each other / like the fish / with hooks still in our mouths // you swallow all of your teeth / so you can not lie through them / I soak up / the beautiful truth //

The way we fall

[weallwritealong]

“i mean i love you, i mean i like you but its complicated, i mean dont stop, i mean stay, i mean im sorry for everything i never got the chance to say to you, i mean i wish you were here, i mean this bed feels so empty without you, i mean the sky is a different kind of blue when youre gone, i mean your mouth tastes so sweet when its pressed up against mine, i mean i hate you for this, i mean i miss you, i mean please just come home.”

— you tell me i never mean what i say 

[weallwritealong]

I just met someone and I’m pretty sure he’s going to ruin my life

[weallwritealong]

She bites down on the thick inside of her arm / tries not to scream when the sun is setting / it’s not panic just / trying to breath just / another day / or / the end of something / or / just the light finally reaching earth 8 minutes too late / something about the milky orange coming through the window / him there / body slick and heavy / something about the smell /  cigars and sweat and swollen and / the words pool up but none of them spill out / just soft / just sunlight / or / moonlight / or / some combination of the two / the low hum of the television / it’s been months now / maybe years / who is he / not an alter / this is not on faith / just two bodies ripe / two days ending in the same light /

[weallwritealong]

I point out Jupiter in the sky tonight / it is almost unnoticeable in the wash of stars / no single one standing out more among the others  / looking up /  is better / than looking at you / and your eyes / blank and bitter / these are the only words I have said for hours / the noiselessness / echoing between us / our breath fogging up the windshield / I want to say / remember the first night / in this parking lot / the car sipping cool air / in through cracked windows / midsummer thighs bare against the leather / you held my hand for the first time / fingers promise-laced / like so many nights following / instead / I chew the inside of my lip / ask unsteady questions / repent for my lack of understanding / listen to you plead guilty to everything / curl in on myself / your fists bawled and pressed into your knees / I notice / the scar on your eyebrow / furrowed down / a part of our story forever / faded into your face / I’ve never seen you this soft before /  I don’t want to forget / I hate the way it feels / like negative space / like a vacuum inside / my hallow chest / the little details / slipping away quickly / I try to catch them / before they are mostly gone /

[weallwritealong]

Whiskey sex and trying to forget how your voice sounds against the air, winter felt so cold that year.

(via weallwritealong)

[weallwritealong]

it’s the first time ive seen him in months without jack daniels and crying, the air is so cold it can split your lip if you let it, he is shaving his head in the bathroom mirror, the shards of hair falling around the sink, his body feels different now, his arms stronger but just as gentle as I remember, he slips his tongue into my mouth and i choke on it, i can’t do this, not here, not with all of the lights on, it feels to similar to the first day, in the sticky burn of june, his hands tangled up in my hair and some song we both liked up loud, i want to miss him like that, i want to miss him when things were good, not in this dead winter haze

new years day

[weallwritealong]

he’s the type of boy that makes sure you have no plans waiting on him, he’s the type of boy who calls you when he knows you need it but ignores you when he knows he can, he’s always keeping you hanging, giving you just enough so he knows you’ll be there when he needs you but not enough to ever let you in.

(via weallwritealong)

[weallwritealong]

January, The feeling of your sheets against my skin is the only thing that gets me out of my bed anymore. February, My birthday passes, the little Pisces girl with too much love in her heart, you don’t call me. March, They say spring is coming but it snowed today, I’m losing hope.  April, The word therapy comes up a lot in conversation but I never go. May, I walk into the woods a lot and try to lose myself, I know it too well, I decide to get high instead. June, The men that drink at the bar squeeze my ass when I give them their bourbons, I let them, they tip better than anyone.  July, I love my tan skin and the feeling of the sun against it, I’m happy until the night gets dark. August, I see you at the gas station filling up your Jeep, you smile, I buy myself a pack of cigarettes. September,  I quit smoking because he says I’m too pretty to die young, I disagree. October,  It’s getting cold again and he is not you, but sometimes I can still pretend he is when he’s pulling my hair. November,  I don’t remember much but the taste of liquor, and the sound of the door slamming when I leave him.  December,  I forgot what your voice sounded like until I answered your call. You ask if I’m okay, I ask what you mean by that.

A year spent missing you (via weallwritealong)

[weallwritealong]

When you’re home for 30 seconds and both of your ex’s are already texting you

[weallwritealong]

So I guess this is it, I guess I don’t know you anymore, I guess I never will, you’ll just become a distant memory someday, a story in which I can only clearly remember the ending, all of the other parts will become blurred between you and everyone else that I use to know, and you’ll have a future that I’m not apart of, one that I’ll never get to see, just the same as you had your past, and I guess I have to get use to the idea that we will never speak again, never share another story, never share another memory, and I guess I will have to be okay with that because this is the decision that you made for the both of us.

Blocked (via weallwritealong)