It's 2008 and Dean has been dead for almost four months. If he knew that Sam was drinking your blood and tearing demons out of people he would be rolling in his grave. But Dean is back with no explanation other than the destruction that the name Castiel brings and your bizarre dreams that appear with startling frequency and accuracy.
The apocalypse is coming and your fate is impossible to outrun. The invisible hands of the universe are pulling strings and all signs point to something inevitable that you have no desire to confront: your love for Sam will alter the future, for better or for worse.
Summary: For four months it was just you and Sam. But now Dean is back and there is something cosmic at work. He can't know about what happened while he was dead, he won't understand.
wc: 1.4k
https://archiveofourown.org/works/56409223
Series Masterlist
September 24th, 2002
Jo, if you are reading this, I will throttle you.
I don’t have an explanation yet. All I know is that whatever I experienced was definitely not a normal dream. I am also not sure why I feel compelled to do this, to write it all down, but nothing else feels right. Nothing else makes sense. I assume that Freud would suggest this is some lingering subconscious effect of the repressed feelings I have for him or some shit. But this was never part of the fucking fantasy.
I have normal dreams, although I’ve never had a great sleep schedule, which has only gotten worse since I graduated. Dad has now dropped all pretense of a normal childhood. But that doesn't mean I'm particularly special. Sure, I know monsters exist, but everyone else I know does too. I’m nothing special.
The dream (although who really knows what it was) disagrees. Since there is little chance anybody will ever read this I'll state things clearly: I had a fucking sex dream that Sam was the king of hell.
He was tall, I have already forgotten the sheer size of him. But his head wasn’t dipped, and his hand’s were not fidgeting. No, he was confident and assured. His hair was long, almost at his shoulders. His cheeks had lost their roundness but not their dimples. He was older. We both were.
But something tells me it was not the contents of the dream that were abnormal. It felt real in a way I know explicitly but can never explain. It was real. I’m sure of it. I don't know what to do, or who to tell since he is the only one I can think of now.
I have an email from him waiting to be answered in my inbox but I can’t even get myself to open it. I know what it will contain. It will be real, not a dream. But when I picture him now, at Stanford, all I can see are those black demon eyes.
Do other teenagers have dreams of their crush as the king of hell?
December 1st, 2002
I had the dream again. It ended differently. I’m still struggling to blink the image away. I’m a virgin. My dreams do not agree.
Of course I have thought about Sam this way before, it's hard not to. But I have no explanation for the rest of it.
It happened, or it will happen. It has to. I know in my gut that there is no other way.
Maybe Dad’s books have some explanation.
December 5th, 2002
I was caught.
He keeps his books in stupid, disorganised stacks and lo and behold the book I was trying to get out was buried deep. He found me just before the whole pile fell down on me.
But he knows someone who might help. I’m going to Illinois after Christmas.
February 21st, 2003
I’m not sure Pamela knows what to do. Dream premonitions are real, but mine don’t fit the usual pattern. I’m dreaming of things that are so outside the realm of possibility it's absurd. Psychic dreams have a time limit, they don’t conjure up fantasies set ten years in the future.
I know this because Pamala knows everything. She managed to squeeze every last detail out of me with a bottle of top shelf tequila and some very well aimed questions. I need to get dirt on her in case she ever decides to blackmail me. Maybe this thing with Jessie will end badly. She just got a new tattoo with his name on it.
August 21st, 2004
The feeling is back but the contents are different:
Sam and a blonde woman, maybe the Jess he mentioned in his last email (I think he said she was tall and blonde?) were at a party. There was some guy - super drunk - trying to make a move on her. Sam was trying not to let it escalate into a fight but it did. It felt so real because I know all Sam’s moves - the way his jaw twitches when he's lining up for the lethal blow, the way his shoulders shake from the sting to his knuckles, the unconscious move to push his hair off his face.
He leaves the man just shy of bloody. Jess leaves with friends, calling a cab looking shocked. Sam is left with the stares of the other partiers. He feels alone like he always feels. Then he reaches for his phone and my name is on his screen, but he never actually calls.
What do I make of this? How do I know this?
He hasn’t called in months. All I get are emails, and those are losing detail and consistency. I hope this means he is happy at Stanford. But the reminder of him when I sleep is making it harder to accept that he has moved on.
November 29th, 2005
The first dream since he is back, which dismisses the hypothesis that it stems from his absence. I thought they were over. Looks like that theory is also out.
It was the same as the first two. I couldn’t look at him today. He tried to confront me about it. I lied; I doubt he believed me. I feel sick.
May 5th, 2006
I think the dreams lie. They didn’t die. John did, but the boys are alive.
When I woke up I had ten missed calls and a string of messages. They got into a car crash. They were in the hospital. Everything I had dreamed happened but not in the way I had dreamt it. I saw Dean die only to get a call from Sam saying he is alive and recovering.
Can I see the future, but only the wrong future? Pamela isn’t answering her phone.
October 12th, 2007
The first dream came back. I woke up sweating beside him in bed. I made some excuse to go home to the salvage yard despite us having leads on a case. The dream felt so real. Now it ia always one blink away. I have a shiver up my back that won't leave.
Maybe some space away from him will help. Maybe it will make it worse. Either way, I don’t have to see his dimples and know that I’ve seen them between my legs.
February 7th, 2008
Dad’s in a coma. He’ll survive. He has to. My dream said he would die. I have to believe that they will never come true.
February 8th, 2008
It didn’t come true.
September 25th, 2008
I have been thinking and I have more theories. They happen once or twice a year. The one about Hell must be important because it keeps repeating. And I think it’s connected to the one last night. Or at least it reminds me of it.
We were in a church. Ruby was there, as well as some blonde woman - a demon. She was taunting Sam, provoking him. Was she Lilith? And when he killed her and the blood rushed out of her wounds, they formed a circle in the cobblestones. Dream logic told me it was a portal and that it had been opened. Ruby was happy but I knew to be scared. This is the first dream that has been hazy in its ending, and it makes me nervous.
The boys know about the dreams now, I could tell them, but I have the keen sense that I need to play things close to my chest. If I bring up Ruby again I’m not sure what will happen.
October 11th, 2008
This is weird for many reasons. It’s been only a few weeks since I had my last one and yet already I wake up to the delirious throb that affirms my suspicions that what I was in was a dream. They feel so real while I'm in them.
But it was so weird. First off, Dean was strapped to a board (in a dungeon? A torture chamber?) while some guy dressed up like the silent movie Dracula (someone obviously hasn’t read the book) threatens him. Okay, weird, but I’ve seen worse. But there is no way Dean is dressing like a German peasant - not even for all the money in the world. A cowboy, sure; Elvis, probably; but this… no. The dream ends with Sam rescuing him, teasing and calling him ‘Hansel’ as he undoes the restraints. Usually they end catastrophically. Does this mean that real life will be worse?
I wanted to tell them this morning, but then I thought of the questions. Now I just wait until this gets close to actually happening. It is Halloween soon, maybe that has something to do with it.?
i saw god in donna tartt's 1992 novel the secret history and now idk what to do, im trying to read new books but i'm just like ummm... where's henry???
