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people r poison

[trauma-blog]

all that i wanted was to be wanted

[wearedriftedstars]

if someone is really into you, i cannot stress enough how important communication is. if they really like you, they won’t leave you confused about anything. you’ll never be stuck awake at night wondering if you’ve done something wrong, or how long they’ll ignore you for the next day. you’ll never wake up sad that he didn’t text you in the morning - because if he likes you he will. you’ll never question whether you’ve said the wrong things, or if you’re talking too much because if he’s interested, he won’t be able to get enough of you. if someone is truly down for you, they will reciprocate all of your energy all of the time. don’t settle for someone who is only a “sometimes”.

i had high hopes for you. you never reciprocated the love i gave, and that’s okay. maybe it really was you and not me.

[4am-reflections]

what does heartbreak look like to you?

heartbreak is always “you’re the one i want to end up with but i’m not ready for that right now” for me.

[wearedriftedstars]

for me it’s “i love you, but not enough to stay”.

[wearedriftedstars]

a letter i wrote on my ex boyfriends birthday, five months ago.

here’s the thing. to everyone else, this will sound absurd. but to me- it makes my heart stop. your birthdays tomorrow and right now i’m trying frantically to figure out a reason why i should stay home from school because apparently a broken heart isn’t good enough. i cried all last night when i saw the new girl on your arm and wondered if i was ever, or will ever be good enough. when tomorrow comes and i wake up with tears still stained on my cheeks i wonder if then, i’ll finally be okay. because no amount of time, or tears will make this pain go away. i’m gonna see you tomorrow, first period. and i’m gonna have to sit next to you. doesn’t mean i’ll have to speak really - but i want to everytime. i’m scared because i know when i see you i’m gonna wanna wish you a happy birthday and say “ have good day!” so you know i still care. but i don’t want to see the satisfaction on your face when you know you’ve got me  in a trance and i never really stopped. it’s crazy how much power one boy can hold over my head and how much control he can have over every. single. thing. i feel. i think the day you broke up with me, it was the day i lost everything. because you didn’t understand that that day my sister was brought to the hospital again and you don’t understand that she didn’t get to come home. not for long at least. she felt dead to me. everything did. because as soon as you left everything around me shattered and you weren’t there anymore to pick up the pieces of my scattered heart. you told me you would still be here for me and we would always be friends but you forgot to mention that youd sto checking up on me, you only cared for you. and you cared that you weren’t the reason i was sad. because the only time you really gave a shit for how i felt - was if you knew you did something that affected me. a couple weeks passed. i found out you were talking to someone else and i wrote you a letter of 6 pages of how i felt so used and damaged by you i didn’t feel like i could keep going. i asked if you would take it and read it and do whatever and you told me no. because you wanted to move forward and you couldn’t do that when i was so stuck in the past. “stuck in the past” as if you didn’t tell me you were in love with me, the day before you broke up with me. you only loved me when i was with you, and you let our match burn out if i wasn’t there phsyically. because all i was to you was another body, another person you could use for your own advantage and when you couldn’t get what you wanted you stopped trying. maybe that’s not how you feel maybe you didn’t intend for things to fall out the way they did - maybe it was just bad timing. but your bad timing lit something off inside of me that’s beyond my own repair and the only person i want to go to, is you. but you don’t care anymore and sometimes it feels like you never did. you ended things because you couldn’t handle a relationship right then and i wish you were honest and said you couldn’t handle a relationship with ME because it wouldve been better than finding that out on my own when i see you with someone else less than a month later. may 6th , i cried during my math class because i got an overwhelming feeling of missing you. i couldn’t stop the tears bursting so i never went back. i went to english next period to take a test but i was so choked up she let me take it somewhere else and come back to class when i could stop feeling so sad. the rest of the day, i acted like none of it even happened, and like you didn’t even exist. here’s the funny thing about a broken heart- some days i feel ready to take on the world and like seeing you will be a breeze, but other days i feel like i would rather break my own wrist than even be in the same classroom as you. that sounds dramatic and hilarious but what’s hilarious is how i feel like if every bone in my body was broken - the emptiness in my heart would hurt the most. you ignited something in me that i didn’t even know i had. something everyone thinks that 16 year olds are too young to feel. i care so much, for everything. and these days i feel like nobody cares about me. i hold so much anger and sadness within me now. i no longer know what to do with. but this was all my fault. because i’m never enough? because i’m too much?  

in a world where love is so cherished 

why is it so fucked up.

[wearedriftedstars]

i’m still learning to love myself again. learning that my body’s not my enemy, but a wonderful constellation of star dust and atoms, that one day someone else will love too. one day my breaths will be easy, and i’ll be self assured.

 one day i”ll stop seeking revenge on this body that disappoints me and i’ll remember who i am. someone that has value and is worth more than empty thoughts and promises. 

Sam Johnson said that the chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too strong to be broken, and that reminded me that as silly as it is to have a hard time moving forward in this life, everyone handles the weight of the world differently, and for now im just fine on my own, and that is okay. 

- don’t rush healing, you deserve better than forced recovery. 

[wearedriftedstars]

 i used to think oceans could heal me, but no amount of time at the beach could suffice for the emptiness i feel in my heart. because even with the hundreds of people surrounding me, im reminded of how alone i am, and the fact that i wish i had someone there with me. 

- a day in my life that i wish was different

[wearedriftedstars]

the only loser in this game called love is me. because they say heartbreak heals after three months, but here i am at 2am, 5 months later with shaky hands and panicked breaths.

 it sucks that its you, that it will always be you. you have this way of haunting me like a ghost and i wish i could hide under my covers until you go away, but youre in my dreams too. 

no amount of people i have talked to, no amount of crushes and flings ive had will come close to you. when johnny cash sang that love would burn, i shouldve took notes. instead i listened to love story by taylor swift and scribbled away about being someones princess and sneaking into gardens to escape home. i wanted a love story with you, im so naive. i forgot that all love, could be tested and broken. with one healing days later, leaving the other to grieve. 

i dont think you intended to hurt me as much as you did, but you do know about it. no texts, no calls... no apologies. sometimes i wanna text you first to say i’m sorry too. i know ive done things wrong- but i dont wanna say it anymore because i know youre over it. im the only one so stuck in the past. 

[wearedriftedstars]

june 16th, it’s a full moon today. my favourite. i sit outside my house for hours just watching the stars and the moon collide. but i have this sinking feeling that if things between us were any different, maybe you’d be watching it with me.

one day i’ll have someone new to watch the moon with. until then, i’m haunted by the thought of you. - j.m wearedriftedstars