Sarah. She/her. Coffee enthusiast and exclamation point over-user. I really love Taylor Swift and Our Flag Means Death. I salute you if you're much too much to handle. Taylor followed me at 2 a.m.!
Hi my friends! I know so, so many people are struggling right now, and I am so, so sorry to ask for help when I know so many of us need it. Between recent medical issues, car trouble, and how expensive things have quickly become, I am unfortunately in a really bad financial situation. I have managed to pay my rent this month, and am hopeful that what I make for the rest of the month will allow me to pay my taxes. However, as of right now I am not going to be able to afford to buy food for a while, and I'm worried about being able to afford gas the rest of the repairs my car needs. I'm still planning on selling some of my Taylor merch! I will start posting those items this weekend, but in the meantime, if there is any Taylor merch you have been wanting, dm me, and if I have it I will let you know! It breaks my heart to have to do this, but I'm not sure what else I can do. (Please don't think I have stopped being a Taylor fan! I love her so much, but unfortunately I will have to part with some of these things to stay alive right now.)
I also want to offer my services for proofing and editing! If you have anything for work or school you would like proofed/edited, I would be happy to help with that!
If anyone has anything they are able to spare at all, my ko-fi is https://ko-fi.com/wecanbepirates. I am so, so, so truly sorry to ask, especially when I know this is such a hard time for so many of us. If you would be at all able to help or willing to share, it would mean so much to me. I am so sorry to have to ask, and I appreciate you so much for taking the time to read this.
Also advice very appreciated from anyone willing to give some!
So! We begin our tale when I was in college. The first class of my junior year was American Lit at 9 am, and in this class, on the first day, I met someone who I have previously referred to as The Guitar Player, and who I suppose could also be referred to by the Taylor Swift song this person most made/makes me think of. At this current juncture I am torn between Everything Has Changed/Delicate/Cruel Summer (then) and loml/TSMWEL/Chloe et al, but for the time being, let's just keep calling this person the Guitar Player. At the time, her gender identity was male, but she has since transitioned, so although she was masc presenting at the time we met, I will be using she/her pronouns to refer to her from here on out.
We had American Lit together at 9 am, but we had multiple other classes together, too. We had Environmental Biology right after Lit, and Shakespeare later in the day. She sat across the room from me in Lit class, and one row behind me in Bio. After a month, she moved to sit next to me in Bio; the first time she did, I smiled at her, and every day after that, I saved her a seat.
There's a quote from a book that I have long since equated with how I feel about New Orleans: "It was...not love at first sight exactly, but - familiarity. Like: oh, hello, it's you. It's going to be you. Game over." That was how I felt the moment I first flew into New Orleans; the plane dipped lower and lower over the bayou, and some part of my heart came alive and lit up in a way it never had before. It was recognition: I saw the expanse of land become more and more visible beneath the plane and realized I was returning home to a place I had never been before. The closest I have ever felt to that with another person is with her. That's an important part of the story; she wasn't just a pretty girl who moved to sit next to me in our Bio class. We watched a movie in our Lit class, one I can't remember the name of now, but in black and white someone said, "I feel like I'm in love with her, but I've never been close enough to hold her hand." I was so intrigued by her, her thoughts on the things we were reading, her analysis, the questions she would ask in class. It sounds so strange, but in those moments I just felt like I was supposed to meet her and get to know her.
The last day of the fall semester, we ran into each other in the cafeteria. We had talked a dozen times by then; we had made eye contact in class over the most random things, and there was this unbelievable sense of understanding between us.
She found me on ig during winter break. I was sitting on my best friends couch and I got a dm saying she kept wishing she offered to buy me a coffee that last day we saw each other. We talked about our schedules for the next semester and we had a class together again. We spent time together before and after class; we sat by each other right away. We partnered up for a project, and met in the library to work on it together. We talked for an entire day, and after the library closed, we sat outside of the art studio and talked some more. Eventually she said that she really wanted to kiss me. I really wanted to kiss her, too. We did. My heart felt like it was going to fly out of my chest.
We were inseparable until June. We sat in the parking lot talking for hours. We could kiss for hours. I've never felt anything like it before.
She disappeared over the summer. Ghosted me, completely.
We got back in touch last fall. That was when she came out to me. She told me that the last time we were in touch, she had felt the same connection I had, and had felt, in that moment, like she knew she was going to marry me, but that meant that she was going to have to live as a man her entire life, and that realization made her panic. In her panic, she pushed me away, and she was sorry. I understood, I empathized; I couldn't imagine what that would be like. I accepted her apology.
We started growing closer and closer again. That same connection was still there; some spark that had never fully died out even under years of snow and ice. It sputtered back to life the moment we started talking again. It was like no time had passed.
We hung out more and more; we texted all the time. We talked on the phone for hours.
I was starting to feel the same way I once did for her again. It didn't seem like a bad idea this time. I felt like we were being honest with each other again, and this time, whatever was between us could develop naturally and in a way that was comfortable for both of us.
On Wednesday this week, she sent me a screenshot of an Eras Tour Drag Brunch in the city and asked if I wanted to go, which, OF COURSE I did. I tapped the screenshot to look at the dates. There, at the top, was a dating app notif.
"Looks like you have a match lol" I texted back. I was feeling a little stunned, but it wasn't like I had any right to be actually upset. We hadn't defined anything between us. Maybe I liked her but she didn't like me back; it sucks but it happens. Oh well. It would hurt, a sting to my pride and a sad situation, but we've all been there a few times.
"It's not what it looks like! Can I call you?" She texted me. Again and again. I was at work. I said she could when I got home.
That's when everything fell apart.
She called it a paper mansion burning down. That's what it felt like to me, too.
She told me she was in love with me. That she never saw us as just friends, that she saw me as her soulmate, that she loved me. But she'd been on dating apps. On OF. Sexting and meeting up with people. She said she saw no conflict in those statements. I said I did, so I didn't want to hang out anymore.
That opened the floodgates.
She said it didn't count because she didn't feel the way for those people the way she did for me, which, all emotions aside, it's not like an std is going to be like, "Oh wait, you're in love with someone else? I won't enter your body then!" Like, come on. She sent me text after text. Easily 100 in a night. Over and over saying she hated herself, that there was something wrong with her, that she loved me and only me. The texts veered into deeply alarming territory. She told me she broke a chair in her apartment and drove 110 mph on the highway. The next morning she told me she didn't see it as the same because she didn't see me as a sexual object like she did those other people, that she loved me; that she was thinking about shooting herself in the heart.
I panicked. I still am. I have a camera set up at my door. I have her blocked, but I'm so scared she'll show up at my apartment or my job. I don't want her to hurt herself. I don't want her to talk to me anymore. She told me she doesn't know what she wants, but as soon as I said I don't want us to be anything anymore, she melted down; the texts were nonstop and alarming. I reiterated over and over that I think everyone should do what they want, should embrace who they are; something may not be for me but that doesn't mean anything bad. She twisted my words.
I don't want her to talk to me anymore. I don't want her to come to my work or house. I don't know what to do.
I really did love her, once. I see the things she sees, the soulmates. The love. But the fact that she refused to accept my saying I don't want to be involved, that she tried tactic after tactic, each more alarming than the last...saying she was going to kill herself, yelling at me, all of it is not something I want. I want to find a way to safely disengage without triggering any strong reaction. So if anyone has any advice it would be very appreciated.
I have also reached out to make an emergency appointment with my therapist and set up a meeting with the head of my department tomorrow to discuss a plan in case she shows up at my work. I am only working one job over the summer, but that is unfortunately the one where it would be very easy to find me. My best friend also suggested I get screenshots of all of the texts in case I need to use them as evidence. I initially thought I should send one last "please leave me alone" message, but I think that would trigger a bigger reaction, since the main thing she seems to want is for me not to leave her. So I think the best course of action is to just say nothing and hope she gets bored of me when I don't give a reaction.
Thank you so much to everyone who supported me/validated me/gave me advice I truly appreciate you SO MUCH!
Also advice very appreciated from anyone willing to give some!
So! We begin our tale when I was in college. The first class of my junior year was American Lit at 9 am, and in this class, on the first day, I met someone who I have previously referred to as The Guitar Player, and who I suppose could also be referred to by the Taylor Swift song this person most made/makes me think of. At this current juncture I am torn between Everything Has Changed/Delicate/Cruel Summer (then) and loml/TSMWEL/Chloe et al, but for the time being, let's just keep calling this person the Guitar Player. At the time, her gender identity was male, but she has since transitioned, so although she was masc presenting at the time we met, I will be using she/her pronouns to refer to her from here on out.
We had American Lit together at 9 am, but we had multiple other classes together, too. We had Environmental Biology right after Lit, and Shakespeare later in the day. She sat across the room from me in Lit class, and one row behind me in Bio. After a month, she moved to sit next to me in Bio; the first time she did, I smiled at her, and every day after that, I saved her a seat.
There's a quote from a book that I have long since equated with how I feel about New Orleans: "It was...not love at first sight exactly, but - familiarity. Like: oh, hello, it's you. It's going to be you. Game over." That was how I felt the moment I first flew into New Orleans; the plane dipped lower and lower over the bayou, and some part of my heart came alive and lit up in a way it never had before. It was recognition: I saw the expanse of land become more and more visible beneath the plane and realized I was returning home to a place I had never been before. The closest I have ever felt to that with another person is with her. That's an important part of the story; she wasn't just a pretty girl who moved to sit next to me in our Bio class. We watched a movie in our Lit class, one I can't remember the name of now, but in black and white someone said, "I feel like I'm in love with her, but I've never been close enough to hold her hand." I was so intrigued by her, her thoughts on the things we were reading, her analysis, the questions she would ask in class. It sounds so strange, but in those moments I just felt like I was supposed to meet her and get to know her.
The last day of the fall semester, we ran into each other in the cafeteria. We had talked a dozen times by then; we had made eye contact in class over the most random things, and there was this unbelievable sense of understanding between us.
She found me on ig during winter break. I was sitting on my best friends couch and I got a dm saying she kept wishing she offered to buy me a coffee that last day we saw each other. We talked about our schedules for the next semester and we had a class together again. We spent time together before and after class; we sat by each other right away. We partnered up for a project, and met in the library to work on it together. We talked for an entire day, and after the library closed, we sat outside of the art studio and talked some more. Eventually she said that she really wanted to kiss me. I really wanted to kiss her, too. We did. My heart felt like it was going to fly out of my chest.
We were inseparable until June. We sat in the parking lot talking for hours. We could kiss for hours. I've never felt anything like it before.
She disappeared over the summer. Ghosted me, completely.
We got back in touch last fall. That was when she came out to me. She told me that the last time we were in touch, she had felt the same connection I had, and had felt, in that moment, like she knew she was going to marry me, but that meant that she was going to have to live as a man her entire life, and that realization made her panic. In her panic, she pushed me away, and she was sorry. I understood, I empathized; I couldn't imagine what that would be like. I accepted her apology.
We started growing closer and closer again. That same connection was still there; some spark that had never fully died out even under years of snow and ice. It sputtered back to life the moment we started talking again. It was like no time had passed.
We hung out more and more; we texted all the time. We talked on the phone for hours.
I was starting to feel the same way I once did for her again. It didn't seem like a bad idea this time. I felt like we were being honest with each other again, and this time, whatever was between us could develop naturally and in a way that was comfortable for both of us.
On Wednesday this week, she sent me a screenshot of an Eras Tour Drag Brunch in the city and asked if I wanted to go, which, OF COURSE I did. I tapped the screenshot to look at the dates. There, at the top, was a dating app notif.
"Looks like you have a match lol" I texted back. I was feeling a little stunned, but it wasn't like I had any right to be actually upset. We hadn't defined anything between us. Maybe I liked her but she didn't like me back; it sucks but it happens. Oh well. It would hurt, a sting to my pride and a sad situation, but we've all been there a few times.
"It's not what it looks like! Can I call you?" She texted me. Again and again. I was at work. I said she could when I got home.
That's when everything fell apart.
She called it a paper mansion burning down. That's what it felt like to me, too.
She told me she was in love with me. That she never saw us as just friends, that she saw me as her soulmate, that she loved me. But she'd been on dating apps. On OF. Sexting and meeting up with people. She said she saw no conflict in those statements. I said I did, so I didn't want to hang out anymore.
That opened the floodgates.
She said it didn't count because she didn't feel the way for those people the way she did for me, which, all emotions aside, it's not like an std is going to be like, "Oh wait, you're in love with someone else? I won't enter your body then!" Like, come on. She sent me text after text. Easily 100 in a night. Over and over saying she hated herself, that there was something wrong with her, that she loved me and only me. The texts veered into deeply alarming territory. She told me she broke a chair in her apartment and drove 110 mph on the highway. The next morning she told me she didn't see it as the same because she didn't see me as a sexual object like she did those other people, that she loved me; that she was thinking about shooting herself in the heart.
I panicked. I still am. I have a camera set up at my door. I have her blocked, but I'm so scared she'll show up at my apartment or my job. I don't want her to hurt herself. I don't want her to talk to me anymore. She told me she doesn't know what she wants, but as soon as I said I don't want us to be anything anymore, she melted down; the texts were nonstop and alarming. I reiterated over and over that I think everyone should do what they want, should embrace who they are; something may not be for me but that doesn't mean anything bad. She twisted my words.
I don't want her to talk to me anymore. I don't want her to come to my work or house. I don't know what to do.
I really did love her, once. I see the things she sees, the soulmates. The love. But the fact that she refused to accept my saying I don't want to be involved, that she tried tactic after tactic, each more alarming than the last...saying she was going to kill herself, yelling at me, all of it is not something I want. I want to find a way to safely disengage without triggering any strong reaction. So if anyone has any advice it would be very appreciated.
I realize this is maybe not the healthiest take (?), BUT. I have also realized that a) there are no amount of benefits that could come from a relationship that would ever make me think it was worth putting up with the amount of venom in her voice, the mind games, or the way she made me feel and b) the city of New Orleans is my actual true love and she would never treat me like this.
Tears STREAMING down face because I went to my friend's house and I was telling her all about everything that is going on and her mom came in and stood there listening for a minute and then was like "how do you girls get yourselves into these situations?!" I WISH I KNEW MARY
If there is one major thing I have taken away from this past week and especially the past 48 hours is how great it is and how helpful it is to talk to people. Being honest about stuff can be scary, especially if you're embarrassed or you know you didn't do some things right, but please learn from me and don't let sunk cost fallacy keep you from turning around. Other people can provide amazing insight and help you see things in a different way. But ALSO if you're ever in a specific situation like mine and you're having a lot of manipulation tactics thrown at you it can be so disorienting and dizzying and make YOU feel like you are overreacting or wrong or losing your mind, and HOLY SHIT is it so fucking helpful to talk to people and have them validate you and support you and help you realize that you DON'T deserve to be spoken to or treated a certain way and that you can't be responsible for things way above your paygrade. I love you community I love you connection I love you my friends. And an especially huge thank you to Kait @after-the-end-times and Beau @spohkh.
