MICAH @weekendgrime - Tumblr Blog

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After not hearing from you in 2 weeks, I allowed you back in my life. Was I stupid for that? Of course. After I did, I lost a 2 year friendship over how you treated me and him the night you both met. And again, I still stayed. I found out you were a chronic ghoster and that you used the same lines and tactics on other people . I still stayed. You ended up choosing him. yes I still stayed. I allowed myself to look stupid and be a shitty friend towards people that cared about me. I allowed you to break the boundaries you had set to use me as a distraction, something you can pretend was a real relationship until you go up to see him, all because it was so comforting feeling like I was the one you were down bad for. I allowed it so I can taste an ounce of what it could be like if you chose me.

You constantly cry to me over the one you chose, and show so much affection and say these sweet things like “I wish I met you sooner so I wouldn’t have these complicated feelings towards him”, treat me like I was the one u chose, just for you to retract that and still give him the benefit of the doubt at the end of the night.

The last day I saw you, it’s almost like we both knew this was our last weekend being in what we are now. That after you come back from seeing him and making it exclusive, we won’t ever be this way again. I won’t be able to feel comfort from the warmth of your body. Wake up tangled in your arms. Wipe your tears away the way I usually do. Kiss and giggle while staring at each other. Joke around and act like we’re married or a divorced couple. I’ll miss how comfortable we were together. Cause I know once you come back from seeing him. We can’t do that anymore.

But what now? How can we still be friends if all that we already did is how we really only know how to be? How do I let myself care less in that way for you? How do I not feel like I’m melting every time I look at you or hear your voice? Can we even be just friends after? Will you even have a use for me after?

Just know, that even though I shouldn’t have let you back into my life, and that you did treat me like shit and a back up, I’ll always have a special place for you in my heart. I wish I was more stone cold, so I could get over this and throw the thought of you away and be fine. But once I grow such a big amount of care for someone, it’ll never go away. I hate that it’s happening for you. Because I know I should not be in this. But it’s so hard to even think of letting you go.

Please teach me how you fully forgot and let go of all the men you ghosted before, so I can do the same and hopefully be at peace in life again and not have to feel this heavy emotionally about you.

I hope he treats you well, and that he’ll make you the happiest you’ve ever been with someone. Take care.

The amount of times i gave you the benefit of the doubt, excuse your shitty behavior towards me and all the fucked up abusive shit you’ve done.. and having someone come forward to tell me that all of what you said and did was nothing special at all, everything you said to me was the same script he uses for every guy he’s talked to and hurt. I wasn’t really “the most beautiful person in the world” and I wasn’t the only one “who could do better”. Like why tell me that I was the first guy to be invited over and sleep on ur bed, why tell me that you haven’t done this in more than a year then hearing stories that you’ve been doing this back to back? You knowing how I feel about you and all the efforts I put in and u still played me and led me on, you still played around with me maybe to fill that high of being with someone when the one you wanted wasn’t around. Were u planning on ghosting me like you did to the rest when YOU get bored? Are you also gonna do that to him as well? I’ve cried to you many times about how hurt and how much I felt toward you did that get you off? I thought u were a such a good person. You cried thinking about all the shitty men that hurt me ur exactly like them if not worse. You made me feel special, but seeing that you do and say the same things to other people, manipulating and using them broke me so much. I’ve never been so embarrassed and lied to. It all makes so much sense now, u never cared for me. I wish I knew about the “be careful about that C.K. Guy” people talked about so I could’ve saved myself from all this hurt and manipulation.

Why is the train like a fucking vibe like heyyyy choo choooo

I actually had so much fun on my birthday do I dare cry? :’)

clonepa

Good morning LGBT,

I’ve got a feeling that it’s gonna be a wonderful day,

The sun in the sky has a smile on he/him face,

And they/them’s shining a salute to the LGBT,

Oh boy it’s swell to say, Good morning LGBT!

Posting here to delete on phone:

I know it was only for less than a month, but spending time with u made such a big impact In my life for some reason. I liked myself around you, I felt comfortable which is pretty rare for me to feel. I’m sorry for being so overwhelming. I know seeing my social media presence may seem like I do this often, but I don’t. I rarely allow myself to step out and meet people or get comfortable especially in a more romantic setting. I always stress if what if they don’t like how I am in person or what if I’m not what they wanted? Yes I did think those things at first, but u broke those fears surprisingly quick. You were respectful, fun to be around, and a sweet and caring person. I feel so guilty that it took me 3 years to realize all those things about you. I’m so sorry that I ghosted you. I’m sorry that it still brings u to tears whenever I bring it up. You might be ghosting me right now, and that’s okay, cause I deserve it. I’ve been realizing how much stress and how much of a liability I can be as a friend. For some reason it still hurts even tho It shouldn’t. Normally this wouldn’t affect me. But u made me feel so comfortable in myself. Thank you.

Questions and thoughts that keep lingering in my mind that I know aren’t true (maybe idk):

I wish I could talk to you one last time to ask why? what was all this for? Why weren’t you honest when I asked u if u were talking to other people multiple times? Cause it would’ve been okay. But I still feel so stupid and embarrassed. Was all that affection u gave me something u do to ur other friends? I never understood that. What was all this jealousy coming from if u didn’t like me? In my perspective, even tho I was always unsure, I thought that and what it seemed like u were focusing on getting to know me and me only. deleting apps, jealousy, affection.. it made me more comfortable to do the same. I dropped that “roster” and cleared the apps. I wanted to focus on getting to know you cause the interest grew the more I learned about u. But you have been talking to someone else this whole time, which is fine. But why hide that? I went about this whole thing a totally different way cause that’s how u set the scene, you knew my motive and you went along with it. I felt so stupid for doing so, I know I didn’t know, but all my efforts and time driving up and down, all the time for you felt like it was just for nothing only cause you lied. I question myself all the time if I was just a practice round, if I was just something for you to do until the one u were really interested in finally came around. Was he just busy the first week we talked? Was that why you had so much time to respond and call all the time? During our very first call, I expressed how I hate how the community dates here, how I can’t just let these romantic and sexual stuff just be that and not have any kind of attachment after, you agreed. U knew all the complications and strain that I had about this place and dating, you knew how hesitant and scared I was to even believe I could get into anything here. Did u play around with that? Was this all to get ur lick back? Just cause I ghosted u after 2 days of talking 3 years ago? U spent 3 weekends with me just to do all that? Do u like the fact that u broke me even more and the little trust I had for anyone else? Are u satisfied now? I may seem super crazy for feeling this much for some 1 month thing, but that’s because u made me feel so stupid in the end. That all this reassurance, all the affection you gave was for nothing. You had no plans for that. Why give me all of that if u had no intentions of wanting to do that long term. Why do all that if u didn’t actually feel that way. Why’d u make me believe all that. Why break me even more.

I know most of these things aren’t true, and I’ll choose not to believe the thoughts in my head, only cause u made me feel for some reason the best I’ve felt around someone and even myself in so long. Do I regret finally opening up and allowing myself to take this chance on letting somebody else see all of me? Idk yet. It’s hard cause I had such a fun time with you, even if it was only for a little. I hope u take care of yourself, don’t overwork yourself pls. Rest as much as you can and keep eating a lot. And please for the love of god clean ur place up regularly. Jeez. I’m not gonna be there anymore to micro clean :’). I hope that guy is always making you smile the way u made me smile. Make sure he doesn’t play u or makes u overthink about yourself. I really do hope he makes u happy, cause the person I got to know for a month deserves so much. It was really such a pleasure to know you.

Take care, and thank you. Bye bye now.

3 years in California (5/27)

I’ve listened to this audio whenever I felt like giving up, whenever I thought that I made the most stupidest decision moving here. This audio has always pushed me to move forward and to remember why I moved here.

There are people in this video who I no longer talk to anymore, but they were still a big part of my life. Even tho some might have caused hurt, they still helped me get to where I am today. If it wasn’t for them, idk where I’d be.

Making this video made me cry, seeing all the fun and happy memories and even ones I didn’t include, made me realize how much I’ve experienced and how much love and support I’ve had from people who are still here now, and people who were here for a limited time.

I still question sometimes, if it was worth moving here considering I still feel stagnant 3 years later. But I’m glad I moved out of such a shitty and depressing state. I knew that staying would’ve just put me in a more depressive state surrounded by hateful people. I may be stagnant and maybe depressed now, but I’m glad that I’m that way here.

Thank you to everyone who has walked with me in this journey. Listened to all my problems, my cries, my endless heart breaks even if it was repetitive, always pushed me to never give up. I’m so thankful to have the most patient and forgiving people in my life.

This year doesn’t seem to be any better, but I’ll still push to be where I want to be in life mentally and physically, even if I don’t know what that may be in the moment. FIGHTING!!

babysook

need to jerk off a cute sleepy boy until he’s a needy mess thrusting into my hand

Maybe Seattle is the move :0

The urge to text him RAAAAW

I’ve been so entertained by Toronto slang cause wtf

Never really wanted to go back home but now I’m for sure wont ever cause I guess word on the street is I’m a pornstar? 🫠

no YOU fumbled 😤

IT SHOULDNT BE SO REFRESHING WHENEVER SOMEONE WHO IVE BEEN VENTING TO ABOUT MY MOM AND MY FAMILY FINALLY MEETS THEM AND THEN TELLING ME THEY NOW UNDERSTAND WHY IM ALWAYS STRESSING LIKE YEAHHHHH

WV: birthdays

I’m usually fine with being alone, not having the urge to always be next to someone at all times, idk if it’s actually just that or some depression, But for the most part, I’m content. My birthday is coming up and every year around this time, it really hits me how alone I am. The thought of planning something makes me tear up cause who would actually go? Who do I even know or feel comfortable with? I hate my birthday. It’s never really important to me cause it doesn’t seem important to others. I wish I could just skip through the week so I don’t got to feel the pain of knowing that I’m alone on a day that’s supposed to celebrate me.

I can’t seem to take my mom’s words out of my head. “There’s nothing to like about you”. Cause day by day it’s starts to feel true.

Celebrating with family just feels the same as celebrating alone, since they’re all just drinking outside and all my cousins are busy as well. And it would mainly just be a throwing shade contest and a lot of “ur so and so now, and ur not doing anything? U need to start getting serious about your life” also Just another excuse for them to post on their socials and that’s it. “Ur too old for birthdays”

Maybe one year I won’t have to buy just a slice of cake for myself and eat it alone. Maybe I’ll have others sing me happy birthday instead of me just singing it to myself. Maybe one day I’ll genuinely smile with others on my special day.

Happy 24th to me soon.